It was a cool and cloudless September morning. The breezes brushed against the frail autumn leaves, sweeping them through the chilly atmosphere. It was a beautiful sight, she had to admit, but it was a sight that she would never again see. Well, perhaps she would see the same place, the same sky, even the same atmosphere, but she could never come back to this precise day. It was a day to be wasted on work, yet again. When was it not, for her? Wasn’t that all she ever did? What a waste of life she led. And yet, she led it. She led a life of plainness, and the misery of the plainness was so painstaking that it hurt her heart to admit it. Why lead it? Perhaps in hope to change it for the better? Not even she knew the true reason. Walking along the cracked and beaten sidewalks of the city, she wondered how she ever before had been able to stand it.1
Her boss was uptight and self-centered, but he served his purpose well. Her co-workers seemed, overall, either in a constant display of joy or depression as they worked amongst one another in their close-spaced cubicles. The ones with joy were always cheerful, mostly because they had to be. They had to be there for the others who couldn’t find it within themselves to be happy, but inside it was more of an act than anything. It was an act caused by hope, the hope that one day their joy would be more, more than just the fake smiles it cheered others on with. For, one day, they hoped, it would be true. One day, perhaps it could be their real smile. It would be their first smile in a cold world, where, for just one moment, they were truly happy. That is why she was not one of these people. They lead such fake lives. And, even though hers was plain, at least she wasn’t pretending. She wasn’t depressed, either. She was just… neutral. She was used to the plainness she lived in and for.2
She worked, as she had, the same for years, from eight in the morning until five in the afternoon. The way to it was always bright, and the way back always dark, but inside was only the fake light of lamps and other lights in the workplace. She wasn’t a very social being. Unless spoken to, or needed to be, she never spoke to anyone. One day, though, she did meet someone who actually cared to speak with her. He tried to start a conversation, and, in the end, did. She wondered so much when he asked her on a date. Why her, the one who was so plain, so boring? He didn’t seem to think so, for some odd reason which he never stated. The date was as normal as any other date could possibly hope to be. They ate at a nice restaurant, talked casually, and things did go rather smoothly. It went smoothly as could possibly be, in fact. He had walked her home, as they had come, since, for some reason, he didn’t have a car. He excused this by saying his old one died a month ago and was saving up for a new one. This seemed to be very plausible. As they turned into the next sidewalk, he asked her if she wanted more to her life. Did she want a new one? She said that it was a nice thought, but such things couldn’t be done.3
She doesn’t remember anything other than that.
Author notes
I'm interested in what you all think. Please let me know if I should continue. I'm not so sure...
- The Awesomely Awesome Group For Hypera group list • next in list
Should I write more to it?
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
-
I would like to see more of this story ...
if you havent already written more to it than this... THis definatley would express your writing style. And I like this style whith a descriptive beginning... It makes everything better to understand
christa -
ok, you have piqued my interest
just promise me this isnt going to end up another vampire story.
as for the critique, the players are like carboard cutouts, saving a place until the real characters come alone.
The narrator comes across ok as the jane everyman figure, and co-workers can sometimes feel like namless extras, but there is zero chemistry between "her" and "him", you really need to show the date, or them interacting in some way.Were they just flirting, or talking about future aspirations, does she want to settle down and marry this guy or just jump his bones?
-
I've spoken briefly with you about this, but here are a few more thoughts. This is unfinished - you've noted - so some of the questions raised are yet to be answered. The biggest one is "what is it that happens to her at the end of the prologue?" I think, too, the narrative voice throws me (even after you mention that it's her talking about her former life in the third person). I think it has potential, though, and I would definitely tell you to pursue this story avidly.
-
noice
-
awesome
I love it..I am too curious what she did for a living....I love the words they are sooo complex and iteresting and it is one of the best i have ever read...I am not that smart so some of the words were confusing...but thats just me so...EXCELLENT!! What is a cubical?? I would like to know sounds funny! LOL sorry if i offended you in anyway by this comment but ut is really good and I think you should keep writing...
-
Woh? what did she do for living yep
that made me a bit curious
hehe overall i think you have a very interesting plot and story
Try to continue it and I'll see where this is going hehe^_^! No mistakes for now which is a good news^_^
-
I really liked it so far! I'm curious what this girl do for a living that's so boring that you have to fake your life. Lemme guess, does she do a cubical job? You have me intrigued. The only grammar mistake that I could find was:
"But inside it was more than an act than anything."
It should read (unless the above is what you were going for):
"But inside it was more of an act than anything."
Other than that, I like it a lot so far. I hope you continue, and if you do, I want to read it.
Well done,
-Deuce
-
-
Her co-workers seemed, overall, either in a constant display of joy or depression as they worked amongst one another in their close-spaced cubicles.
^
|
I believe that answers your question about the cubicle job. ^-^
Yes, I'll have to fix that. Some of this I wrote too quickly when my mind was on a creative spree.
Thank you for commenting!
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 8 of 8
