The wind blew across the field making the tree branches whistle and sing. Rose listened, and smiled, her light eyes shining, her brownish red hair swishing around her face. Andy's eyes were closed, his breathing deep and rhythmic, his light golden hair was being tossed gently in the wind. 1
Rose moved a little closer to him, enjoying the feel of their bodies touching, of Andy's arm around her shoulders, of the blanket draped over them that captured their warmth and shared it out. There was something so amazingly safe about the feeling, like drifting in a hot tub, that Rose couldn't tare herself away. 2
The field was quiet this time of day. The birds, usually so vocal, were hiding from the wind, and the clouds were racing around the sky. They'd come here to watch the clouds, and have a picnic, but somehow they'd both just fallen asleep. Rose had woken when a leaf fell on her face, tickling her nose and now that she was awake the realization that she needed to go home soon resurfaced in her mind. 3
She rolled over and looked at Andy. He smiled in his sleep, and she found her lips working their way up just from watching him. Her smile turned sad as she leaned over and looked at his watch. 4
4:30, she should have left half an hour ago. The fact was, she didn't want to leave. She knew in her head that leaving was the sensible thing to do, the thing she was supposed to do, but she didn't want to. It was unfair that she should have to tare herself away from Andy. 5
"Baby......." She said sadly, poking Andy gentle on the shoulder.6
"Hhhmmmm?" He answered, his lids slowly lifting to reveal eyes the most perfect of blue, like ice crystals in Alaska.7
"I have to GO, babe." Rose said, laying her chin on his shoulder. "Its 4:30 already."8
"Oh........" Andy reached his hand up and rubbed the sleep out of his eyes, looking down at Rose. "You need to go..... right. Guess we better pack up."9
"But I don't wanna go...." Rose wined, hugging Andy tighter to herself. "I wanna stay with you......." 10
Andy nodded, and leaned over to kiss Rose. It was amazing the things he could do with his lips, the way their warmth filled her coldness. Rose didn't want the kiss to end, but finally it did. For a few minutes they lay there, holding each others hands and just looking into each others eyes. Then slowly Andy sat up, and looked down at Rose.11
"Come on babe. Its time to get up... I know you don't wanna, but your going to be really late as it is." Rose made a groaning, protesting sound and reached up to try to pull Andy back down, but he caught her arms in his much stronger ones and easily, and gently, lifted her to a sitting position. 12
"I know babe," He soothed, running his hand threw her hair, "but you really do have to go." With a sigh Rose nodded and pulled the blanket off herself. The air felt cold threw her Jeans, and she started to shiver a little bit from the sudden change in temperature. It took but a few minutes to pack things into her car, and then she sat in it, watching as Andy got in his truck. They pulled unto the road, went from there to the freeway. He went West, she went South and soon Andy was lost from Rose's sight. 13
Her chest hurt, like it always did when they parted. She wanted him to be near her. She missed him already, and felt guilty for being so needy. It couldn't be easy for him. She hoped he missed her too. 14
Tomorrow she would not see him all day, and she was not looking forward to that separation. She'd be thinking of him all day. 15
And in her heart she prayed that he would miss her, and think of her and never grow tired of her. She knew she could be a pain to live with, and needy and unrealistic. For some reason he seemed to look past that and see a worthwhile person. She had no idea how he'd come to that particular delusion, but she also hoped more than anything that he kept it.
Author notes
Please tell me what you think of this start, and what you think the title should be. Thanks.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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"coldness" - perhaps there's a better word. Also might be one of those things better left unsaid
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This sounds like a very nice story & I would love to read more of it to find out where she had to go & why she couldn't see her boyfriend. I do also agree with the other reviewer though that it seemed one sided when she had to go the boyfriend didn't seem to torn up about them having to part other than that I think that it sounds like a wonderful story.
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A very nice story. there are some descriptions and phrases you used that made the whole story fit together like a big jigsaw puzzle.
Well Done and Keep Writing!
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No connection between the two.
The plot took too long in the begining to hook the reader. I don't know why or how they got there in the first place. What was special about this place?
You didn't tie her having to be home @ 4pm with the opening line to relate to later in the story.
Her boyfriend didn't seem too torn up about her having to leave "You need to go..... right. Guess we better pack up."
You didn't state his emotional feelings about her. He went on to say "but you really do have to go." She seemed to be the one in love, not him.
No romance connection was established between the two of them. In a romance story two people are in love, not one.
Hope this helps. -
I think you need to continue in order to give this story a title it can relate too. There seems to be a lot of run on sentences. It seems like each sentence is coma after coma after coma. You might want to break that up a little. The description is pretty good. Keep working on it!
*Frozen Angel* -
In paragraph 2, tare should be tear (I assume)
Paragraph 8, I don't think 'go' should be capitalised.
Other than that good. Nice imagry, although some of the descriptions were a little jumpy. I liked it. Although the all too common name 'babe' gets on my nerves
lol.
The characters seemed real enough, but you can always improve.
Happy 08 and keep writing!!
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Tare is spelt t-e-a-r, at leat in Canada. Please write a second part! I want to know where she has to go, why she can't see him all day tomorrow. I love them both already, Rose for being imperfect and admitting it, and Andy for loving her beyond her imperfection. I wish I knew people like them instead of some of the cretins that I know!
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Need to know more!
I just loved Rose in this piece; it reminded me of a past girlfriend whom was so terribly loved and needed me with her almost 24/7 and I loved it. I loved her the more for it. Love like that hurts so badly. The nuances in this work are so delightful.
“I have to GO, babe,” Rose said, laying her chin on his shoulder.
This is a good line: laying her chin on his shoulder – wonderful! So showing in respect, need, and love. Brilliant, but I can’t help getting the feeling that he’s going to dump her; or, am I wrong?
As for a title: think back on your theme for this piece. Then take a proverb that hints of this, and put a slant to that proverb which describes your intended theme.
For example: STACKS OF EVIDENCE was an article of mine about carbon monoxide poisoning occurring from badly ventilated chimneys and flues, etc.
In order of importance: Title, first sentence, first paragraph and last paragraph.
Thank you for sharing this piece.
I hope this is helpful.
All best wishes,
Dom
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