I walked, ran, moved. My steps didn’t meet the ground and I had no idea how fast I was going — if I was even going at all. Everywhere I looked I saw the same thing: encompassing and never-ending white. I could’ve been floating. My breaths came as if stolen from my lungs and every single wisp of air came with labor and unpaid concentration. I couldn’t breathe and I began to fall, spiraling down, past nothing and yet everything. It could have taken hours or minutes, seconds or millennia. I couldn’t tell.1
And then I stopped, floating just a foot above a clear surface; transparent like glass and hard like titanium. Reaching down with my finger, I stroked its gossamer finish. Then suddenly, I landed back-breakingly hard. If there was any air in my being, it would have been forced from me. Exhausted, I lay there for a few moments trying to collect my energy. I appeared as a spec on the vast plane; like a piece of lint on a gothic shirt.2
After resting, my spine popped as I rolled over and squinted at the colorless abyss I had fallen from. My heart slowly convulsed beneath my sternum, and I tested its beat with my left hand, sensing its vibration in my palm. Was I dying? Was this place a transport? Turning, I put my knees under me and raised myself up, inspecting my body. I hadn’t realized until then that I had no clothes on, nor could I even see myself. My body blended in with the surroundings, or lack thereof. Shimmering speckles of light fell from my invisible eyes; tears didn’t exist in this emptiness.3
Immediately, it seemed, the light speckles began expanding, jumping about in the whiteness. They began to darken. Every nothing they touched took shape in a whimsical form, complete with every type of angle and curve. The ground became a large, massive checkerboard and my body, too, appeared in black and white. There was no gray anywhere, just white and black. Opposites. On and on.4
I came to stand on a bridge where the colorless liquid below was streaming with speckled currents of blackness, the only way I could tell it was moving. Everything about it was so calm and placid. All I wanted in that moment was to swim in it, to let the cool white soak my dark hand. Sighing, I left the bridge’s edge and turned away. What I didn't know then, is that the water turned completely black - responsive to my own wanting emotions.5
A few yards beyond me, a tree stood magnificent and elaborate. Its branches reached up and down, twisted like corkscrews, and every leaf on it was one of the opposite colors. I reached into the thicket of wood and pulled out what appeared to be a large, ebony orange. Lifting it up to my nose, I tried to sense its citrus-adorned scent. I couldn’t, and I began to wonder.6
My fingernails ripped into the orange’s skin, tearing at the tough cells, exposing the flesh underneath. I didn’t stop until the whole of the skin was removed. And then, I bit into it. Juice filled my mouth — juice that had it been normal, would have quenched a thirst. But it was tasteless, worse than the flavor of water. Revolted, I gagged and spit it out. The liquid cascaded to the floor and began to spread, covering the squares. Everything it touched took a specific color, not like those expected of Earth, but seemingly natural to this land. The trees turned into violet hues, and the random shapes were painted into unrecognizable but wondrous pastels. The world transformed into astonishing tints… And I began to grin as I, myself, took color.7
Further shades shot forth from my smile, even more astounding than the ones before. Joyous colors. Uplifting. They were full of yellows and oranges, reds and light blues. Engulfing everything, the world finally came alive.8
Then I started to sink.9
Jerking my head down, I gaped in panic at where my feet should’ve been, but the ground had consumed them. I tried furiously to pull them out only to find myself deeper. Soon my knees, thighs, and waist were all dangling beneath the surface. I called out in desperation for anyone, something to help me, but it was too late! And I began to fall again... Down and down.10
Though, this time, to my happiness and horror, I could see an ending. A huge pool shimmered in the lessening miles below. I envisioned myself crashing into it, hearing the cracking of every bone. I saw the blood swirling in the water, my body floating on top of it.11
I hit it immediately, but I did not die. Instead, I kept falling, my descent slowed by the liquid. Bubbles flew out of my mouth and nostrils. There was air! In the murky distance, a fish, large and powerful, oriental and unknown, swam in my direction. Long tentacles squirmed away from its mouth and bushy eyebrows gave it a perception of wisdom. It touched my forehead and I shut my eyes. Sustained in place, the world fell from me.12
I heard it; I sensed it. Everything whistled through the air, leaving me once again in the white abyss. Taking one last free breath, I awoke.
Author notes
No, this is not an actual dream of mine. Tell me what you think, please.
A contest entry
- The Pot Of Stew: A Mixture of Here and There by Miss Hanako Cullen.
294 points, ended February 22, 2008, 37 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Descriptions Only by Jouven.
525 points, ended February 5, 2008, 16 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - My First Contest Ever( Options!!) by SparklingMoonlight.
200 points, ended February 17, 2008, 15 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - MAKE ME FALL IN LOVE! by J.R. Coleman.
220 points, ended February 29, 2008, 18 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - 500 Points for Imagery! by beezy92.
750 points, ended March 18, 2008, 35 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Mind play by Thedamned77.
375 points, ended March 21, 2008, 20 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Give me Gold by Ayesha Raees.
370 points, ended April 20, 2008, 28 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Trophy Theif! by Rose Hathaway.
300 points, ended July 22, 11 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 44 of 44
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Great Read
Amazing imagery, interesting plot in general. The theme was interesting. I like how you change around the perspective of colors etc. It's an intrest grabbing topic. -
Great! You kept me enticed with your rich imagery of the strange and beautiful world. It was obvious that this was a dream so the ending was not a suprise, yet you wrote it well. Instead of the classic 'I woke up and everything was a dream' you ended this with a well rounded storng sentence. An enticing read. Thanks for entering 'Trophy Thief!'
~~Rose
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Really amazing...you're one of the really good writers in here.
I don't know if my interpretation is correct...but seems like you have depicted a human life. The black and white judgement of a child...the colors of adult life...and the grim situation people tend to find themselves and call mid-life crisis.
Can't say anything other than amazing about your writing technique though. Keep up the good word man.
Cheers
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This story does have to do with life and growth, and, though your interpretation isn't quite what I was getting at, it IS pretty much correct. In this story I tried to show how experiences and observances can alter our perceptions of life--change our outlooks.
So, basically, you're correct.
Thank you for your comment.
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AMAZING!
This story was absolutely amazing! It's breathtakingly beautiful, and extremely discriptive. I could envision this world vividly through your words. It all made sense, like it was an actual place, and then again it seemed like a fairytail. You have deserved every award you have recieved! I'm really glad I got the chance to read this piece. Never stop writing, because you're going somewhere with it.
- KitKat159468
P.S. I hope you'll read my stories one day( not that they're as good as yours!)
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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All I can say is that was the most imaginary and descriptive story i have ever read... It deserves all those trophies... Magnificent and uniquly beautiful...
I have definitly fallen in love,
Chey-Bear -
Wow... I'm completely speechless. You completely drew me into the world you created, as it is totally and completely dream-like. Good luck, keep writing, and thanks for entering!
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man
this was beautiful!
i love the descriptions and there is this special kind of feeling hat i feel in the end. Its very awesome. I can never write something like that even if i tried!
i would probably sleep on this piece in order to think. I do that a lot
awesome piece again.
good job!
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???
The word in p2, 'brakingly'....
Did you mean braking or bracingly? Either way the construction of this story was just a pure delight to read
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Very good job thanks for entering my contest
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P.S. Have you seen the 3rd Pirates of the Caribbean (At World's End)? This reminds me of the part with Johnny Depp in Davy Jones' locker. Random, but that's what i thought of. Again, very well done
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Whoa. I think my life just changed. That was like a Alice in Wonderland trip down the rabbit hole. Everything was so...real...but not. That makes no sense. I mean that I could almost reach out and touch it, but it was so fantastical it was out of reach. I told you to make me think, and you did that times ten. Wow. Thank you so much for entering my contest! Wow.
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Stunning
Wow this was really awesome. The setting the colors and everything were just trippy and imaginative. A wonderful experience to share, even if it wasn't a real dream.
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Great imagery! Good luck in my contest!
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That was amazing, I could picture it slowly unfolding as I read. The imagery, the colors, the lack of colors, it was all wonderfully constructed. I almost lost touch with what was going on around me, and just sunk into that strange, pastel colored, world...
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WHOOT! This story kicks! Great job and good luck in the contests! WHOOT! -Liz
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VERY COOL!! I love this whole new world. It's so original. It's like Alice in Wonderland but so so much cooler! I love it...the description, the words. You're so creative. I love how even in the midst of this fantatical tale, I don't second-guess anything. You committd to the character and it's surroundings and it was believable an dunrealistic at the same time. I loved it!
There were a few spelling/grammar things I noticed though.
“Then suddenly and unexpected, I landed back-brakingly hard.” could be “Then, suddenly and unexpectedly, I landed with back breaking force.”
“If there WAS any air in my being, it would have been forced from me.”
“I LOOKED LIKE a SPECK on A vast plane; like an unnoticed smudge.” Maybe you should consider doing this in the third person…just a thought.
“I couldn’t, and I began to wonder.” The second “I” isn’t particularly necessary.
“Everything it touched took a SPECIFIC color”
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And a Good Time was had by ALL!
Hi Andy,
Interesting bit of writing...and had I known from the start it was the recounting of a dream, I would have approached it from a different perspective. As it is I don't know if you are interested in taking some of this and transplanting it to a short story...if so,it certainly is rich in imagery, but there are elements to be considered. For example, after par 1 and perhaps 2...SOMETHING has got to happen. You just can't go on and on with a blow by blow of where you are and running...running...etc.
You know?
I would also lose some of the vague and contradictory descriptions which serve, if not to merely confuse the reader, but to leave him or her with a vague sense of what's going on. Like: falling past "nothing...yet everything!" You "appeared" as a spec...yet you were like an "unnoticed" smudge! (there's some conflicting imagery here!)another mix: "heart SLOWLY CONVULSED!" These are all kind of oxymorons!
"Body blended in with the surroundings OR LACK thereof!" Reader wants to know WHICH IS IT?! (lol!)
Speckles in WHITENESS began to DARKEN!...Shapes of ANGLES and CURVES! "Ground became a CHECKERBOARD..."body appeared in BLACK and WHITE. Then...Every leaf was of OPPOSITE colors!You also have "cool, SATISFYING juice...but then "TASTELESS...WORSE than water!" "to my HAPPINESS and HORROR!" Hey! There's an idea!Perhaps this is a study in CONTRASTS!
You say "suddenly AND unexpected"...do you need both? "if there WERE any air..." = if there WAS any air!" The line in par 3 is off: "Nor could I even see me." If anything, Andy, it should be "nor could i even see MYSELF!"
Anyway, there's lots of good stuff in this bag...sort it out...add some people...a situation and a conflict...a theme...and VOILA!
Meanwhile, Freud would have a ball!
Best,
GA
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there isn't much to say of this story, the english vocabulary cant begin to describe the amazing of this story. Dude, ive got to hand it to you, this story has amazing descriptions, and i loved it. I agree you need to put the meaning in the other notes. Amazing!
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Very suspenseful and well written. Descriptive and imaginative. No bad comments, good luck in the contest.
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O.O that was awesome man! some dream....
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wow
I am speechless, I don't know how old you are, but this was amazing! Wonderful, wonderful descriptions! ( I would add 100 wonderfuls if I could) this was incredible! Thanks for entering my contest and good luck!
~Lil~ -
clappies aren't working, hold on
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This was truly magnificent, you have a gift my friend.
Incredible imagery, where did you get such a great idea?
Amazing, I am in awe of your writing!
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This is a GREAT story for my contest. It is purely descriptions and that makes it perfect for what I was looking for. Some of your choice of words were very excellent. Thanks for the entry.
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Wow! It takes the words right out of my mouth. Increidible. I enjoyed reading it. Keep it up.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Amazing. You lay it out in such a dreamy yet fluent manner, and I can almost see the dreamscape in my mind's eye. I like how symbolic you made everything, and this piece is simply outstanding. Bravo.
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Uh...
How much acid did you have to take to write this? *laughs* Your descriptions were phenominal, and the piece was amazing--even thought I STILL have no friggin' idea what it was actually about.
Nice write!
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I just put the meaning in the Author's Notes.
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this is a great story luv it
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This was amazing!
I loved the description, especially of the tree 'Its branches reached up and down, twisted like corkscrews,'
I liked the way that it flowed loike a real dream does and was realistic for a dream in a totally unrealistic way!
I also liked the different sentance lengths that you used.
Wish I could write more but I have to go now!
Pippy
xxx
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good
that was very beautiful. A very visual experience, tbh -
I love the way you described the fish for some reason, especially how the eyebrows give it a wise look. Very strange, not something that I would like to be dreaming I don't think. Wonderfully written and very imaginative.
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WHOa very eccentric dreaming there fellow... very intruiguing and capupturing have you condisered using pointers for a story ?
good work
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nice imagination
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Good imagery
Nice descriptions. I think you could use this to actually make a story. Add a character or two and come up with a plot. I think it would be very interesting.
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"I walked, ran, moved." Maybe it's better to put in "and."
WWWOOOOWWWW! THIS IS ONE, I gotta say, SPIRITUAL SHIT I HAVE EVER CAME ACROSS!!! Awesome!
Mmm...... A meaning behind your story... Are you talking evolution? How life started? Life is kinda forsaking you? Or You, forsaking your life, huh? Sorry if i am rambling because i lllove guessing mystery!!!
.... Or you feel like you gotta stay above the game, but then you know it's okay to fall apart because it's how you can take the time to cope with yourself as if you are in a resting stage, a moment where you wanna feel nothing at all, but then get back up?
Am i anywhereeee right??? lol
OK, I LOVE THIS!!! 10-10!
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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wow. i lovedd this! holy crap! that would be a pretty amazing dream
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This was really intresting. I loved the vivid imagry - it kept me reading. I think perhaps phippenj is right, you should make the meaning more concrete so that there are no doubts about it being understood.
There were a couple of phrasing issues throughout, but nothing major. A re-edit would fix them up. Thanks for a great read!!
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I have several ideas to what the meaning, to which you allude, behind this story is. What I would consider here, is making those meanings more concrete, perhaps uniting them with a motif of some kind. You do employ some remarkably powerful imagery - the tree in particular I liked, all the water images.
There were a few areas that tripped me up. For instance, In the first paragraph, you use the word "unrequited" which doesn't seem to fit. I would also consider making the sentence "A huge pool shimmered in the lessening miles below" into "a huge pool shimmered below". Just little things like that.
Well done! I look forward to reaching more of your work.
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I love how you shifted scenes,it was very smooth flowing. Well writen, but I still can not figure out what means...I like Miss Hanako's answer about rebirth. It stayed intresting the whole time, that's why I like it...Great work.
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This was well written. Lots of twist, wonderment as you read deeper into the story. Good staging and channeling from point to point.
Bravo, Bravo!
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This was really spooky! I think if this had been my dream, I would have been writhing in my sleep. ha ha. Actually I don't know what I would have done. : (
It seemed to be like a rebirth almost, I'm not sure. I'm not real good at deciphering stuff like this. hm.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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it is a very good story and well written but i got a bit confused because i didn't know it was a dream of some sort. that said,
Great Write!
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