Diary of a 6th grade Extreme cutter

FACT: this was me a few years back.These are shortened real diary entries.
-----------------------------------------------------
1-26-021

2


I have a new boyfriend.My friend Brianna hooked us up.His name is chris,and he's two years older than me.He's an eighth grader, and i'm happy he said yes after i asked him out.He's such a nice boy,and he's so handsome.We have so much in common,as well! Now,we can spend the day together listening to Rancid,or eating strawberry icecream, or skateboarding,or watching the sun set.He makes me wish i didn't cut.I'm going to stop,just for him.He's so special to me.He came over with his friend Mitchell today and stayed for a few hours.We even kissed goodbye.I wish i could erase my cuts.I only did them because i felt like nobody liked me,but i guess he proved that wrong.I still feel all tingly inside from this afternoon.I'm going to see him in school monday,or maybe tuesday.I wonder if he knows the way he makes me feel.3


--------------------------------------------------------------
1-29-024


He hasn't been in school,or not that i've seen.Mitchell said he probably just didn't feel like coming to school.I wonder why he never calls me....He's only called me twice.I don't remember his phone number,i don't even remember if he gave it to me;So it's not like i can call him.I miss him,and i wonder if he thinks about me sometimes.I hope he likes my skateboard.When he came over,i said he could have it if he wants because i don't skate anyway and he skates all the time but i have a different type of board than him.He still has it and i wonder if when he rides it,it reminds him of me.I don't expect it to,though.I'm too pessimistic.5


--------------------------------------------------------------6

2-2-027


He's in school now.He was a metal cast on his arm.I didn't sit with him,or mitchell,or any of their friends.In the middle of the period,I went up to him and asked him what happened,and he said he dislocated his elbow skating.Brianna told me to go up to him and kiss him,and i said no because i was nervous.He seemed cold and distant today,like he didn't even know me.I felt like i did something wrong,or he was ignoring me.Mitchell looked at me with mixed expression in his eyes,while chris didn't look at me at all.I stood,examining what was going on.I walk away for a few dark moments,then i'm pulled to the side.....8


Brianna.She said Chris already broke up with me,and she just wanted us to kiss one last time even if we were over.
Why hadn't chris talked to me???
Why hadn't he broken up with me himself???9

"Oh."
That's my only response.10


I'm trying to make myself look apathetic,but that doesn't work.I burst into tears and ask to go to the bathroom and be alone.He doesn't want me and he never did.I wonder if my slouch and frown and sagging shoulders make him now feel sorry for me....He kept the board.Maybe he still thinkns of me when/if he rides it.I never bothereed to ask for it back,because without it he may forget me.11


--------------------------------------------------------------
2-5-0212


I told Brianna what I realized he'd done.She went up to him and asked him why he would do that....why would he do that to me....
All he had to say was "I was going to dump her before that,anyway."
my only response was "Oh."
but my response makes no impact,since i'm at a loss for words.No one had used me before,and i wonder if my heavy heart is as heavy as his metal cast.I don't bother to cut again,since i sympathize for myself.I feel like i'm insane,and everyone knows it.Perhaps that's why he doesn't want me.13


-------------------------------------------------------------14

2-14-0215

16

As we were walking out of the lunchroom,I saw him in the hallway.It was depressing,pathetic,ridiculous.....But i called out his name and walked up behind him,since there was no way of being in front of him.17

"Will you take me back?"
I asked in a broken voice.18

"Nope." then back to his conversation.19


I thought about those things he said and everything went through my mind.20

"Please?"
Why did i say that?? I don't remember,the memory is fading.21

"No."22

And then i let him walk away....
I didn't care anymore
(or atleast that's what i'm telling myself)23

--------------------------------------------------------------
2-16-0224

25

I've been thinking about cutting again.....It's hard.I promised my counselor i wouldn't do it,but i want to...I'm bored and i feel empty and tired and dead inside.I need something to let me know i'm still alive.I thought maybe with chris here with me i could rise above my pain,but he never really cared now did he? Maybe if i met an angel,she would care and love me,but i can't do it.I just don't have the heart anymore26


(Since chris broke it)
--------------------------------------------------------------
The end27

[Epilogue: 5 years later Coming soon! Keep looking out for it!]