She walks down the street with her head held high, watching for any sudden movements. Her leather trench coat swoops behind her as she takes long strides. The street appears to be empty but she knows better. It is a warm night in the city. 1
With each step she thinks of her past. The memory of a face floats in her mind as she snorts with disgust. Why did she even trust him? She knew he would break he heart no matter how fervently he promised he wouldn’t. She just didn’t want to acknowledge it. She was enthralled with him. Or perhaps the idea of who she thought he could be.2
Pondering this thought, a hiss breaks her out of her train of thought. Her combat boots make a thump against the sidewalk as she begins to slow her pace. Only the sound of an ambulance far in the distance could be heard. She looks into the shadows of the dark alleys. After a moment, she walks slowly. Alert but calm. 3
Clang! The sound of chains hitting the ground stops her once again. She looks back and sees a silhouette several feet behind her. Picking up her pace, she turns the corner and breaks out in a full out sprint. Hearing footsteps behind her, matching her speed, she turns another corner.4
Author notes
Please tell me if this intrest you.Because if it doesn't I will not continue it.Any and all ideas are welcome.Be honest!!!!! And I need someone to help me with editing,pweese.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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I think this would interest me. It's full of mystery and ambiguity. The reader can't help but wonder what is going on. Who is this woman dressed as a goth? Who is this mystery man she shouldn't have trusted and what happened between then? Who is following her and why?
All really good questions and all are things I'd read on to discover. Another thing I noticed which I think helps the reader be pulled into the story is the way the piece varies the sentence structure from long compound sentences to something as simple and effective as "clang!"
It pulled me into the story. On such a short piece, it's hard to offer a critical review, but here are a few thoughts. I wondered at this sentence:
"Her combat boots make a thump against the sidewalk as she begins to slow her pace."
Why would they make one thump? The way the sentence is written, it sounds as if the boots made a single sound right then, rather than they are thumping as she walks. Perhaps an alternative
"Her combat boots thump against the sidewalk as she slows her pace."
would work as well? Just a possibility. I also took out "began to" because I tend to prefer the sentences to have nothing except the description and action in them. I prefer to cut out other words that distance the reader from this action. They make the story less real.
But yes, overall, this seems like a very intriguing beginning. Good luck writing the story if you decide to continue it!
Kind regards,
Solidarity
beginning: 2, language: 3, plot: 2, ending: 4, characters: 2.
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I's love's it ^.^ it's soo interesting now I'm stuck thinking "what's gonna happen next ^.^ Love the clif hanger ^.^ Great job ^.^
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Honestly...
Mildly descriptive, though a good start. Some additional attention to detail, coupled with some imagery would work wonders for this, as would some descriptions on when, why and who. Such things add richness and vividness to your story. For instance, "She looks back and sees a silhouette several feet behind her", could be 'spice-up' like this: "Glancing over her shoulder, she glimpsed a figure ominously silhouetted against the moon" - such things give your story character.
It is interesting, and with some work you could make this into something longer.
I am also happy to help with editing/plot development, just 'friend' me.beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 5, ending: 4, dialog: 2, characters: 2.
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Good
I like this it is a thoughtful piece.
beginning: 3, language: 4, plot: 3, ending: 4, dialog: 2, characters: 3.
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Defenitly Catches Readers Intrest
It defietly drew me in. Good hanger can't wait for more! -
Good Start
It's a nice start for a story, and I enjoyed reading it. I'm not really fond of the tense you chose to write it in, but that is an author's choice. You do need to check and double check your grammar. You've got 'he' in palces it should say her, and that can cause some confusion.
Overall it was good, and I enjoyed reading it.
Let me know when then next part is up.
Kepp it up!
- Elise -
I really like it its good that you added suspense, makes the story more thrilling. Can not wait to read more
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I really like it its good that you added suspense, makes the story more thrilling. Can not wait to read more
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I loved it so far and can't wait to read more. Its suspenseful and it shows true feeling.
'Clang! The sound of chains hitting the ground stops her once again. She looks back and sees a silhouette several feet behind her. ' Wow that gets you going and wanting more. Wonderful!! -
I LIKE THIS SO FAR! Its really suspenseful and i like that. Great job keep writing!
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Very suspenseful. I'd like to hear more! The only thing I could find wrong:
She knew he would break he heart no matter how fervently he promised he wouldn’t.--- You put 'he's for a few 'her's that were supposed to be in there.
Great job!
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