Cooking with Wine

Eddie was having second thoughts about looking for a job in Mount Horid. She knew many trolls made their home there, but the want ad had sounded so human. Would a troll be offering a position in domestic food service. That just did not sound like something a troll would say.1

Either the address in the paper was wrong or she was wrong about who had written it. There was no house here, no building of any kind, just a small, wooded hill. If there was a troll living under that hill, Eddie did not see any way to get it, so she decided to leave. It did not take much to convince her to go. All the stories she had heard about them might not be true, but she still did not like the idea of working for a troll.2

She was almost back to her car when she made the mistake of looking at the hill one more time over her shoulder. There, at the end of the path, was a door in the side of the hill, where she was certain she had not seen one before. It was tempting to pretend she had not seen it and keep going, but she really needed a job. Besides, it had put an ad in the paper, so if even if it was a troll, it must be a civilized one.3

On the door was an ugly brass face with a large ring in its long nose that served as a knocker. Eddie knocked three times, since somehow that seemed appropriate to her. Then she straightened her glasses and waited. Several minutes passed and she was about to leave, when the door opened and a troll looked out at her.4

Eddie had never seen a real troll before. She had expected it to resemble the doorknocker, to be like a human only much uglier. Actually, the troll was not human at all. It had a long-muzzled face that reminded Eddie of a weasel, even though it really did not look like a weasel any more that a human looked like a monkey. He was about four foot tall and dressed in a white shirt, red vest and black knickers. His thick, reddish hair was parted neatly down the middle and matched the tuft at the end of his long tail.5

The troll looked at Eddie with what she thought was curiosity, although she was not certain how accurately she could judge emotions on such a strange face. He gently asked, "Do you want to see Mister Moelder?"6

She quickly checked the name in the paper, then Eddie nodded. "Yes, I'm here to apply for the food service job."7

"Oh, yes, of course. Please, come in." The troll opened the door farther and stood aside to let Eddie in. The room had been carved from solid rock and was comfortably furnished with furniture from the Arts and Crafts period. "I'm Hodge, Mister Moelder's steward, so I'm the one who has to find someone to fill that position."8

"It's nice to meet you, Mister Hodge. I'm Edda Belle Bergtagen, but people usually call be Eddie."9

"Just Hodge, please. I'm only a servant here." The troll walked around Eddie, looking at her carefully. "You'll do fine."10

The suddenness of this surprised Eddie. "You mean I can have the job?"11

"I think of it as a position more than a job, but yes, you can have it."12

"Don't you want to know about my past experience or why I want the job, I mean position, or anything like that?"13

"I didn't mean to be rude. Of course, I'd like to hear all about you. Would you like to sit down?" Hodge pointed to a pair of Morris chairs in one corner of the room. The troll waited for Eddie to sit down, then sat down himself.14

"I was working at the cheese factory in Lac du Fromage until they closed it last month."15

"That's right. I heard it closed, but I didn't hear why."16

"The company told us they wanted to build a new factory where they could take advantage of cheaper foreign."17

"So, where did they build the new one?"18

"California. What really bothers me is they're still going to sell it as Wisconsin cheese."19

"How can they do that if it isn't made here?"20

"They claim they can as long as they make it the same way. Just like swiss cheese doesn't have to be made in Switzerland. Anyway, with the factory closing, jobs are really hard to find there. And I do have some experience working with food, even though I know it's not the same as what I'd be doing here."21

"No, nothing like what you'll do here, but you can have the position if you want it. Just by looking at you, I can tell you'll be perfect for it."22

This troubled Eddie. "Why does my appearance matter so much? Does this position involve more than just food?"23

Hodge lowered his head a bit. "Well, I was hoping you might help me with some of the housekeeping, cleaning and such, when you're not occupied with your refectorial responsibilities. However, that's not a requirement."24

Eddie smiled at his response. "That I'd be happy to do." Looking around at the rock walls, she added, "At least, down here I won't have to worry about doing windows."25

Hodge smiled back at her. "No, we've got everything running on Linux here." He paused to chuckle at his own remark then said, "But, seriously, there is one requirement. This is a live-in position. You must reside here."26

"Then you'll deduct my room and board from the salary in the ad?"27

"No, Mister Moelder will provide that in addition to your regular salary."28

"That's very generous." For a job she had almost walked away from, this was starting to look like a very good opportunity, almost too good. "Hodge, did anyone have this position before me?"29

"Yes, quite a few have though the years. Kate was the last one. Mister Moelder and I were very sorry to see her go, but I'm sure you'll be even better."30

"Could I ask why she left?"31

"Certainly. She wanted to get married and start a family. I wouldn't say Mister Moelder dislikes children, but he'd never accept having any live here. It really was a shame she had to go, but like they say, you can't have your Kate and eat it, too."32

"I think you mean cake. You can't have your cake and eat it, too."33

"Right, that is the expression." The troll frowned and asked uncertainly, "Do you have children...or plans to have them?"34

"None now and no plans to, at least for the next few years."35

Hodge seemed very relieved to hear this. "Great, I think that takes care of everything. Could you start tomorrow morning?"36

Eddie smiled. "Yes, this seems right for me. I'll be here."37

The kitchen was much larger than Eddie expected it to be. "How many people live here, Hodge? This looks it belongs in a restaurant, not a home."38

Hodge was dressed all in white, just like the uniform he had given Eddie. The only difference was he wore a tall chef's toque and she had only a short pillbox cap. "There are only the three of us, you, me and Mister Moelder. But, Mister Moelder often entertains guests, sometimes quite many."39

"I hope I'll be able to serve all of them."40

"Don't worry about it, Eddie. I'm sure you'll be enough."41

Once again, Eddie noticed something odd about Hodge's words. Even though he spoke English fluently, she assumed he was occasionally letting some idiom from his native trollish language slip in. "So now you'll probably tell me Mister Moelder is having a big party today."42

"No, nothing like that today. He just wants some sausage prepared, but we still should get started." 43

Hodge led Eddie to a heavy metal door that he opened with a key that was hanging from his belt. Inside were racks filled with wine bottles. "The bottles on that side of the room are the dinner wines. Those are the ones we serve to Mister Moelder and his guests to drink with their meals. The ones on this side are the cooking wines."44

"Alright, I've got that. Dinner wines on that side, cooking wines on this side."45

"Good. Now you should get ready for cooking." Hodge poured half a glass of a bluish cooking wine into a glass and handed it to Eddie.46

Eddie took the glass but hesitated to drink it. "You want me to drink wine while I'm working?" 47

"Yes, it is quite important that you do."48

"Well, you're the boss." She took a sip and while it had a nice flavor, it seemed more like grape juice to Eddie than real wine. Drinking that definitely would not affect her ability to do her work.49

"There are three kinds of cooking wine, blue, white and red. Always drink the blue first, then white and finally red. Remember, blue for the soul, white for the will and red for the body."50

Eddie assumed that must be a good mnemonic in the trollish language, but it did not seem especially helpful in English. "I'll try to remember that, but would it really do any harm if I got it wrong?"51

Hodge looked at her sternly, "Yes, it certainly would! Blue, white, then red. It must always be that way!"52

Obviously, this was a tradition that was very important to trolls. "Alright. Blue, white, red. That's what I'll do."53

"You'll do other two later." Hodge looked at Eddie with great concern. "Please, do be careful. I'd lose my head if you got it wrong."54

The way he said it gave Eddie the impression that losing his head was not just an expression, but she hoped she was wrong about that. That uncertainty reminded her how little she actually knew about trolls.55

Back out in the kitchen, Hodge got a large bowl of fresh herbs and showed Eddie how they should be chopped.56

"Mister Moelder is rather particular about his sausage. The herbs and spices in it must be just right, the meat must be fresh and of course he insists on natural casings."57

Eddie grimaced. "Doesn't that mean it's stuffed in intestines?"58

Hodge chuckled at Eddie's reaction. "I think that's one of the differences between us. I mean between humans and trolls. Humans don't like to think about where their food comes from. You like to pretend it just appears neatly packaged in the store by magic. Trolls like to know their food."59

Eddie guessed that as the flunky, she was going to be the one who cleaned out the intestines. To take her mind off that, she asked, "I've always heard that trolls really can do magic. Is that true?"60

"We don't think anything we do is magic. Maybe magic is just what people call the things they think nobody can ever do. But we do have our secrets, things we can do that humans can't."61

"What kinds of things can you do?"62

"For one thing, we can regenerate."63

"You mean if you cut off your finger while you were chopping herbs, you'd grow a new one?"64

"Yes, as good as new."65

"What about an arm or a leg? Could you grow those back, too?"66

Hodge grinned at Eddie. "It would be no trouble at all."67

"But not your head! I bet you couldn't grow a new head."68

"Don't bet too much on that. It really is a bother until it grows back, though."69

Eddie laughed. "I'd say not having a head is a lot worse than a bother. Having your tail cut off, that's what I'd call just a bother."70

"Actually, that would be the worst of all. My body wouldn't grow a new tail. My tail would have to grow a whole new body."71

Eddie was not sure if Hodge was serious or just seeing how gullible she was. "Is it hard to learn how to regenerate? Could you teach me to do it?"72

"Even if I taught you everything I know about it, you wouldn't be able to do it. It's like the fable of the bat and the mouse."73

"The bat and the mouse...I've never heard that one."74

"Well, there was a mouse who saw a bat flying around. He thought it would be great fun if he could do that, so he asked the bat to teach him how to fly. The bat told him exactly what to do, but no matter how hard he tried, the mouse could not fly. He had the knowledge, but he still didn't have wings."75

"So I can't regenerate because I don't have a tail? It sounds like that's where regeneration ability comes from."76

"It's a little more complicated than having a tail, but trolls do have what is needed to regenerate and humans don't."77

"So I'm like that poor, little mouse that never got to fly."78

"I'm afraid so." Hodge paused a moment, then added, "It's just a story, of course, but I like to think that when he saw the mouse fail at flying, the bat offered to give him a ride, so at least he could fly that way."79

After chopping the herbs, they ground the spices. Then Hodge took Eddie back to the wine room. "It's time for the second glass of wine."80

"White this time."81

"Yes, that's correct." 82

Once again, Hodge filled the glass half-full and handed it to Eddie. It was a clear wine and it had a fresh, clean taste, but Eddie would never mistake this wine for grade juice. She felt different than she had ever felt before.83

It seemed she could think more clearly than she ever had before. Then she realized that for the first time in her life she was being completely objective and not letting her hopes or fears influence her thinking. Actually, she no longer had any hopes or fears, no wants or desires of any kind.84

"Do you notice anything, Eddie?" Hodge held out his hand for the glass.85

Eddie handed the empty glass to Hodge. "I feel indifferent. Is that the effect you wanted the wine to have?"86

"That's what it should do. It suppresses your free will."87

With her newly-gained objectivity, Eddie quickly reached the conclusion she otherwise would have considered too horrible to accept. The troll would never pay her that generous salary, Kate had never left to start a family and she would never have to clean out intestines.88

"Then you must have plans for me that I would not like. Will I be the meat for the sausages?"89

"Yes, you will be. And you are absolutely perfect, well-fed and plump without being too fat. You'll be simply delicious. You don't mind being made into sausages, do you?"90

Eddie had no desire to become sausages. However, she had no desire to not to become sausages either. She just had no desires at all. "No, if that's what you want, do it."91

"I'm so glad you didn't figure out what I was planning until you had the wine. It's so much easier for everyone this way."92

Eddie followed Hodge back into the kitchen. She helped him sharpen the knives and set up the sausage grinder, knowing but not caring that he would be using them on her. When everything was ready, they returned to the wine room.93

"Here's the final glass, Eddie, the red wine."94

She remembered white had been for the will and red for the body, so she was fairly certain what this wine would do. "Is the red wine what will kill me?"95

The troll nodded. "You are a clever one. Yes, it will. Of course, you wouldn't want to be butchered alive."96

"Alive or dead, it doesn't make any difference to me how you do it."97

"You're still able to feel pain, and even though you don't care about that, I do. So, please, drink the wine."98

Eddie drank the wine since the troll had told her to. She felt a warm but not burning sensation and the taste reminded her of the smell of leaves in the fall.99

Hodge wrapped his arm around her to support her, as he took her through the kitchen to another small room where a cot was set up. "You should lie down while it takes effect."100

"It would make more sense to put me on the butchering slab. That's were you'll need to have me."101

"That slab is cold and hard, so I'll take you there later. For now, I want you to be comfortable, even if it doesn't matter to you."102

Hodge helped Eddie lay down. She could feel her heartbeat and her breathing slowing down. She knew if she had not lost her will, she would be struggling desperately to stay alive, but now she accepted death without resistence. Finally her heart stopped, but even with her blood still, all activity in her body did not stop instantly. In that last moment, she thought how much her death was unlike what she had expected. No light to go into, no tunnel to pass through, no departed loved-ones to welcome her, only her mind fading away into nothingness.103

Then Eddie woke up. She was alive. She was not a sausage and she wanted very much never to be one.104

She knew she must be laying in her crummy apartment, still unemployed. The troll, the wines and probably the want ad itself were just part of some strange, but very vivid, dream. She opened her eyes and saw the streetlight outside her window showing dimly through the shade, which assured her she was not in the troll's windowless, underground house.105

Eddie had not put on her glasses yet, so what she had actually seen was just a faint blob of light. When she did put them on, she saw it was not a window, but a pot with luminous mushrooms planted in it. She reached for the lamp next to her bed. There was a lamp there, but not the one she was familiar with. She managed to turn the lamp on and saw that she really was in the troll's house.106

Actually, she was not unhappy to know that much was true. This was only servant's quarters, but it was still much nicer than the place she had been able to afford working at the cheese factory. It must have been the wine acting on her fears that made her imagine the troll wanted to eat her. He had the opportunity to do whatever he wanted while she was drunk, but he had not harmed her. And she was going to demand full pay for the day. Hodge had insisted that she drink the wine. It was not her fault if it made her too drunk to work.107

She must have slept the wine off, because she felt fine now, except for being incredibly hungry. She could not remember ever feeling this hungry before, so she climbed out of bed and headed for the kitchen.108

Hodge was busy at the grill, making pancakes. He smiled when he saw her and said, "Good morning, Eddie. Grab a plate of pancakes before they're all gone."109

Hodge had already filled several plates with tall stacks of eight to ten pancakes and was still making more, so Eddie did not think there was much chance of running out. Then she saw the other troll.110

A huge troll was seated at a table in the kitchen, rapidly devouring pancakes. Eddie assumed this must be Moelder. While Hodge had made her think of a weazel, this troll was more like a bear. His body was massive and sitting down he still was taller than Hodge. If he had been standing, he would have reached over seven feet. His muzzle was not as long as Hodge's, but much wider, with a pair of large tusks sticking up from his heavy, lower jaw.111

Timidly, Eddie say, "Maybe I should come back later."112

Moelder looked at her and said, "Nonsense! You are a part of this household now. You have as much right to be at this table as I do." His tone was warm and friendly, but he had a deep, resonant voice with great power in it, the kind of voice that could make a thunderstorm stop and listen to it.113

"Thank you, sir." Eddie picked up a plate of pancakes and started to take them to the table.114

"Give her some of those sausages, Hodge. She will not want to miss those."115

Even though it was only a dream, the thought of sausages made her feel a little queasy. Hodge noticed this and as he handed her a plate of sausages, he whispered, "Don't worry, Eddie. The sausages I made yesterday are still in the smokehouse. These are pork."116

This remark confused Eddie. "Why did you say that? That was just a dream! How would you know about it?"117

Hodge shook his head. "If you're talking about me making you into sausages, that wasn't a dream."118

Eddie dropped the plate, which shattered on the rock floor. "It must've been a dream. I'm not dead! I'm not ground into sausage! Look at me! I'm alive! I'm whole!"119

Moelder's laughter was like the ringing of a large bell. "Did you think we would leave you that way? Hodge regenerated you, of course."120

"I'm human. I can't regenerate like a troll."121

Hodge told her softly, "You can't regenerate yourself, but that doesn't mean you can't be regenerated by someone else."122

"Like the bat giving the mouse a ride?"123

"Yes, something like that."124

Eddie just stood there in a daze, so Hodge helped her to the table, then brought her another plate of pancakes, but no sausages. She did not know what to think about this situation, but she knew she was very hungry, so she started to eat the pancakes. When she had finished the stack, she asked, "What happens now? You kill me, you eat me, you regenerate me. Then do you just repeat that again and again? How long does this go on?"125

Hodge answered her, "Until you want to leave. Of course, you'll have time to do other things in between."126

Moelder said, "Was Kate with us about sixty years, Hodge?"127

"Sixty four years, sir."128

Eddie protested, "That can't be. She couldn't have children if she was that old."129

"Regeneration interferes with aging, Eddie", Hodge explained. "Physically, she wasn't any older when she left than when she came here. I realize this is all a little difficult to accept."130

"I'd call it more than a little difficult. What really confuses me is the blue wine. It seemed to so important to you that I drunk it, but it didn't do anything to me."131

"It stilled your soul, Eddie. If it hadn't, I wouldn't be able to regenerate you after you died."132

"But I was still conscious, I could still think and feel. How could I do that without a soul."133

Both Hodge and Moelder laughed at this remark, then Hodge said, "Trolls do those things all the time and none of us have a soul. You don't understand what a soul is."134

"No, I guess I don't."135

"Don't confuse the soul and the mind. The mind is all the activity that lets you exist as a person. Will, reason, memory, emotion are all parts of the mind. The soul is what connects your mind to the outside, to other minds."136

"I'm not sure what you're talking about. My mind isn't connected to anything but my body."137

"That's true now, because the blue wine is still affecting you, but the connection was there before. You just didn't realize it was there because you didn't use it."138

Moelder finished his last stack of pancakes and looked at Eddie. "The great irony of modern times is that most humans, by choice or ignorance, live their whole lives in the isolation that soulless beings like us have always had to endure. Now that you understand what the position involves, Eddie, have decided if you wish to remain with us."139

"It feels like I'm somehow violating the natural order of the universe, but as weird as it is, this is still better than any other job I've ever had. So yes, Mister Moelder, if you want me, I'd like to stay."140

"Excellent! Remember, I am having that feast this weekend, Hodge. How were you planning to prepare her?"141

"I was thinking of roasting her whole on a spit."142

"And then would you serve me on a big, silver platter with an apple in my mouth?"143

"Don't you think an apple is a little cliche?"144

Moelder winked at Eddie. "An apple is traditional, Hodge, and I like tradition."145

"Then she'll have an apple, sir."146

It surprised Eddie that this pleased her so much, that in a strange way she was actually looking forward to being served at the feast. But it was her job now and it's only natural for people to want to be good at their jobs. And she thought it was best to plan on staying a long time, because this job would be awfully hard to explain on her resume.