Furious Inferno - Steven- Hitherto - One

Furious Inferno - Steven- Hitherto

"Steven, get you lazy son of a bitch ass down here and help your mother out," my Dad screamed from the kitchen.1

His abuse was sickening, he had been out all night long, and was drunk, wasted, just completely of his face. Only when he cam home, thats when the fun really started. 2

He came crashing through the door, pissed as a fart, staggering through the hallway, right into the lounge room.3

"You worthless Lot of shit," he slurred, pointing his fingers drearily at all of us, "Your pathetic you know that, all of you sicken me".4

Just like old times, insulting us all for what, he was the one that looked pathetic, he was the one that was a worthless mold of shit, what a bastard.5

This time though, unlike any other times, he wasn't just pissed, he was mad. 6

Mad you ask me, crazy, insane, no more like infuriated. Mad enough to kill someone, maybe, more or less just mad enough to break something, knock it over, smash it into a thousand pieces , mad enough to scream for hours and hours until his anger died down to a dull resentful silence, so then when he was satisfied he would move along and lock himself in his room, locking my mother out and sleep until the early morning.7

Sure he would count to ten, and apologise, start moaning woefully against the wall and cry. Like I said this might had not been the same, but sure enough it was a start to being like the normal. Predictability had its way, as he rummaged through the house, destroying everything in his self-destructive path.8

I thought somewhere between things getting ruined and him counting to ten, Mum had whispered something that only he had heard, or he seemed to have heard, maybe it was all in my head to, but I was sure I heard Mum say " It's over."9

It must have sent an immediate shock wave of horror right to the very core, of his bitter-black heart, to hear those words from my mother.

Author notes

Here is part one of chapter one ...

Please tell me what you think ???

Also if you see any Grammar, spelling, punctuation errors, please feel free to point them out..

Honest ...

what do I mean by honest...

What I mean is that you don't just say, oh well that was good { reason, it doesn't really tell me where I went wrong, what I did right, were I could achieve better, in fact saying it is just good, so simple like that, makes me think, well is it, if it really is good, can't you expand you vocabulary and construct a sentence that might actually help me, instead of loading my with false hopes...

Looking for - opinions on...

. Plot, is the plot good so far, or is this just a basis ( sure is a basis, but can you see the basic plot forming) ?

. Characters, What are your thoughts and feelings on the character/s ?

. Dialog, this also goes for internal dialog as well as external, was it interesting, boring, deep,dense.. tell me what could have made it better?

. Setting, if there is one, tell me how you thought it was portrayed could you imagine yourself there or does it need working on to make you connect.

So after all that, that would be wonderfull, and if you really read the story you would not mind taking five minutes out of your time to help a fellow storywriter, write the best way they can

Thank you for your time, it is most appreciated .... Love Blair

Deep opinions, Honest opinions, helpfull Opinions

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments

1 - 16 of 16

  • sarahhitch
    January 17

    Edit | Reply
    Hi Blair, yep a strong chapter, I do wonder how old the young girl is though. I look forward to seeing where this is going.

    Don't like her father....

    he cam(e) home, thats

    Sarah.


  • Nagamasa
    December 31, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    "I understand about the abusive father and the hide/seek games that kids play when the anger is too much. You pulled that off beautifully and the mother leaving is typical of a woman who realizes that she's in a bad situation and wants out. Excellently done!"Yep! I agree with Darkone! He said everything that I wanted to say.

    Abusive father...really common in everywhere now...hmm real nice and vivid description about something great that is about to start...well done...keep on writing...


  • DarkOneShadow
    December 28, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    This puts things in perspective

    I understand about the abusive father and the hide/seek games that kids play when the anger is too much. You pulled that off beautifully and the mother leaving is typical of a woman who realizes that she's in a bad situation and wants out. Excellently done!

    DarkOne


    • Intrepid
      December 28, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      Darkone

      WRITE WHAT U KNOW..AND How CAN U GO WRONG.. thanks babe for u comments and support..it means so much

      LOVE BLAIR


  • So Strange Greeters member
    December 27, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Well, I think the story is developing very well. I think the characters are good so far, the dialogue is pretty good, but you misspelled some things, and I think the grammar wasn't so bad, either. I hope you keep this up, Blair. It's good so far, and I think the plot is developing a good bit, too.

    Keep up the great work, Blair. I think this story has got some great potential to be one of your finest works up to date.


    • Intrepid
      December 27, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      STRANGE BUDDY *_*

      Thanks for reading my strange buddy
      I think this part need mega work as does thids whole chapter, on all levals..... I have the idea, just need to wrok with it a couple of times to make it perfect *_*
      WRITING IS RE-WRITING *_*
      thansk again for commenting- yet this is not my best work- It is one of my worst but I am able to say that with a smile on my face.. potential being the key word

      love blair


  • Olin
    December 26, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Ok, the plot is very honest. by this i mean that they way you describe a verbal attack by a drunk and the BS that fallows is very well done. The whole thing is well done. You portray the bitterness and anger so well it actually made me remember things i should not have.
    But thats the mark of a good story, you make people think.
    I can sort of see where the plot is going.
    ~Olin


    • Intrepid
      December 26, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      ! olin !

      I have been in his situation .....
      So I think thats why I was able to write it so honest and raw !!

      thanks for picking up on that

      love blair


      • Olin
        December 26, 2007
        Edit | Reply

        .....

        i'm observent....and comming from a family of drunks and addicts i can pick up on when some one has been through the same things by how and what they write some times.

        ~lovels
        Olin


  • Zsadist Gates
    December 26, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Okay, somehow I missed this part. Anyway...this makes a little more sense now that I've read this one. Wow. I'm sick, forgive me for the confusion XD

    I pretty much have the same to say on this one as I did the other one. My brain suddenly isn't functioning or else I'd point out the stuff as far as grammar goes and such, but....yeah.


    • Intrepid
      December 26, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      jade *_*

      SO.K..... i HAVE DONE THAT A LOT OF TIMES!!!!
      Completely natural ^_^ zinngggg... the main hing is you read it, and i love that
      Love blair


  • Siby Anan
    December 26, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Well, to be honest, I didn't like the idea of a drunk and abusive father. Too...cliche'. I'm sorry >.< But I DO however, like the idea of his mother saying It's Over. It made Siby happy

    So, please, do continue. I'd love to see what happens next ^_^


    • Intrepid
      December 26, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      siby*_*

      They say write what you know and I am weel aware the father is a cliche but its also now a release for me to incoperate it into my story... THANK YOU princesss for reading


  • im.perfectly.flawed
    December 26, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Okay lowl. Your authors notes are slowly outdoing the lenth of your story. Haha it is rather funny.

    Good old abusive father, one way ticket to something more sinister and moving; then there was "it is over". Home breakers.

    Description of father was good, only you could maybe have spaced out the way yu expressed that one large excessive amount of anger his father is displaying. Maybe one more paragraph to it?

    Great work Blair, this was goodo Nice to see you have gotten it out. .

    ~Ebb
    xoxo


    • Intrepid
      December 26, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      EBBxox

      Thanks ebb xoxo ...FINALLY PHEW.... put that ap man away.. Im not so torturing myself about this as if i dont finish, if it sounds like the best thing, it's experimental writing

      fun though

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