Furious Inferno- Predictability1
Why today started out like any other day, why even bother asking me?2
For each day was like the rest, each night the same, the same people, same town and the same men.3
Only once in a while would you see some fresh meat walking in through those big, silver doors. 4
The everyones eyes would avert to the doorway, forgetting the rest of the world, while the fresh meat strutted into the club, as if he practically owned the place.5
They we so full of confidence, so ready and eager, little did they know what cost and extremes we went to and had to go to, to please these hungry men.6
So they would sit there in there stingy leather chairs, sipping on there drinks, awaiting patiently for some young man to make there dreams come true, and when they finally did come true, it was like a drug, a drug that pulls them in, reeling them into this lonely, depressing state of life they call stranger sex, full of one night stands and disappointments.7
So it was always the same, as if the whole place was in monotone. There was liveliness, but no one ever really felt complete, and it didn't matter how many blow-jobs or fucking all night sodomy sessions you had because at the end of the day, it was all the same. 8
so predictable, they all expect you to do the same things, same tricks, same moans and groans, and screaming there name, and arching there back. Sometimes it was enough to make you want to scream STOP, but then in the end stopping could cost you your life, so you would just lay there, pleasuring them and somehow make up something in your mind the replace the images and the feelings of utter disgust that you have in yourself and for your life.9
The majority of those times, thinking of something exciting didn't work, who knew what exciting was, you can't know until you have experienced excitement.10
That is the thing about predictability, it was constant, simple and boring. Who want's boring in there life?11
Though for some people, some boys like me, predictability is our life, everything is simple, you have sex you get paid, you pay your boss, you live.12
This would be my life, for as long as I could make it, after that all I had was a dream, a dream of becoming something other than sex. To get out off this dead place, this life. Though for the time being, I had no option but to play this as life.
Author notes
This is my idea that has been concocting inside my brain, boiling to the brink of when I actually started it.. It was hard trying to write the beginning without giving away to much of the actual story itself, but I think I did an okay job. ...
Please tell me what you think ???
Also if you see any Grammar, spelling, punctuation errors, please feel free to point them out..
Honest ...
what do I mean by honest...
What I mean is that you don't just say, oh well that was good { reason, it doesn't really tell me where I went wrong, what I did right, were I could achieve better, in fact saying it is just good, so simple like that, makes me think, well is it, if it really is good, can't you expand you vocabulary and construct a sentence that might actually help me, instead of loading my with false hopes...
Looking for - opinions on...
. Plot, is the plot good so far, or is this just a basis ( sure is a basis, but can you see the basic plot forming) ?
. Characters, What are your thoughts and feelings on the character/s ?
. Dialog, this also goes for internal dialog as well as external, was it interesting, boring, deep,dense.. tell me what could have made it better?
. Setting, if there is one, tell me how you thought it was portrayed could you imagine yourself there or does it need working on to make you connect.
So after all that, that would be wonderfull, and if you really read the story you would not mind taking five minutes out of your time to help a fellow storywriter, write the best way they can
:)) Thank you for your time, it is most appreciated .... Love Blair
Deep opinions, Honest opinions, helpfull Opinions
Comments
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Hey there Blair, looks like this will be an interesting read and this sets up the start of something making the reader wnating to come back for more.
The(n) everyones
Sarah.
beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 3, ending: 3, dialog: 3, characters: 3.
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Definately. I agree This is going to be a good start to a greatttt story Hm will be reading the next part
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I thought it was great, lots of descriptions and flowed well. Only comment I have about it really is that there wasn't enough touch and sound senses in here. Also it was a bit short, but that means I like it and want more. Okay I'm greedy, but if I like a story I will always crave more. Anyway well done and keep it up. happy holidays
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babyxbadger
Thanks for the comment,I am currently in the process of doing another draft
more soon...*_* I can garentee &_&
thanks for reading , i appreciate it
Loce blair -
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Ooo can't wait
xxx
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All in all, a nice start
There were several grammatical errors and while I think that you accurately describe a male prostitute well, I don't know if that is the theme that you were going for, and I understand and sympathize with the character, because one day, we all feel that and you, as a storywriter, pulled that off most excellently. Glad to see that you are in another story. Keep at it, ma amour, you are doing great!
DarkOne -
I'm not too sure about the opening line. It seems almost like a comma splice, but it's not. Maybe something like “Why today started out like any other day, I may never understand.” or something like that wold work.
“Then* everyone's* eyes would avert” <-I'm not too sure about the word avert here, it usually means to turn away. Averting your eyes to the door sounds like pushing a box towards yourself
9 “So* predictable,”; also, it's best to avoid using all caps like “STOP” in writing, especially in narrative voice. Try putting quotations and adding an exclamation point to signify that it's something somebody's saying (or wants to say) like 'makes you want to scream, “Stop!”'
10 “who knew what exciting was?* You* can't know until you have experienced excitement.”
11 “That is the thing about predictability,[I think this should be a semicolon, but I'm not 100% sure] it is constant, simple and boring. Who wants* boring in there life?”
12 “everything is simple.* You* have sex,* you get paid, you pay your boss, you live.”
This held my interest, though I didn't exactly see the assumed “gay whorehouse” part coming.
Your writing has really been cleaned up. The only thing I noticed that hasn't changed is your there/their/they're confusion
There is used for location- “over there”
Their is used for possession- “their cars”
They're is a contraction of “they are”
Let's see, you had a specific way you wanted this reviewed, so here goes.
. Plot- I can see the plot forming, and I'm assuming that there's going to be a prominent theme of rebellion in this one. You did good at hinting at the plot to give the reader just a taste of what's to come.
. Characters- I haven't seen any characters other than the narrator, but on that note, you kept the narrative voice very interesting. You told the story through his eyes, with all of his opinions and emotions attached to his words. You did good.
. Dialog- Hasn't been much of this either lol. But the internal struggle with the main character was very personal and interesting.
. Setting- The setting was mentioned in passing sort of, but it's not of a whole lot of importance now. Especially since you seem to be making the internal conflict with the main character the prominent aspect of the story.
Good job
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SHANK *_*
Thank you firstly for taking you time to read my peice..
Secondly for sorting out my grammar issues, I have now a book called writing better english, a simple step my step guide to writing, you catch my drift , so we will see soon how well I really know how to write and how long it takes me to pick it up *_*
Thirdly thank you for commenting the way in which I wanted it formatted to better understand my work....
I am currenlty going through my draft , doing some editing , for rewrititng which i have already planned on doing ... {might I add- for the first time} since I am a perfectionist really when it comes to msking the paper look neat... gawwwd my clean, fresh manuscript is already highlighted and post-it noted to buggerey ^_^...are the joys of printing many drafts...
"Writing, is re-writing".
Fourthly I appeciate you taking you time to actually go through the peice and pick at it, giving me honesty and opinions-- means a lot me....
Love Blair xox
If you have any questions in regards to the story --- feel free to ask okay.... -
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Two books I have that I recommend are "How to Write a Damn Good Novel" by James N. Frey and "How to Say It: Style Guide" by someone whose name escapes me.
One good practice in keeping your writing orderly and readable is to be a perfectionist even when you're typing messages to people online. Like avoid saying things like "ppl."
Good luck and have fun
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SHANK *_*
"How to Write a Damn Good Novel" by James N. Frey I tried every damn bookstore close enough to me...... and my mother wont ebay or amazon me.... SO I'M FIGHTING...lol....
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a little out of the ordinary. but probably not for you. lol.
mistakes here and there. but nothing a quick re-read couldn't fix.
anyways pretty good. and nothing outside of your norm.
keep writing xD -
good
ok I think that it was a strange story but good. But as you requested i will go through was wrong and right.there were or should i say was one mistake on line 4 you said the but it should of been then so you missed out the e ,i can see how that can be confusing as the word word is a word!(i should get a prize for putting the most words in a sentance lol)you only had one spelling mistake which is actually very good because even profesional writers make mistakes but they have an editor!!! I don't know if this is my type of genre.
To me it felt like it was in this really big tavern and you telling the story when you were on the stairs above. Over all good but as i have already said not my genre!!!!
beginning: 3, language: 2, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 3, characters: 3.
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Okay, this is gonna be long
As far as grammar goes:
"So they would sit there in there stingy leather chairs, sipping on there drinks, awaiting patiently for some young man to make there dreams come true..."
and
"same moans and groans, and screaming there name, and arching there back."--off the bat, all of those "there"s should be "their." It seems you have a chronic problem with that, but it's okay. Work on it. It threw off my very grammatical brain off.
"so predictable, they all expect you to do the same things, same tricks..."-capitalization on 'so.'
"it was like a drug, a drug that pulls them in, reeling them into this lonely, depressing state of life they call stranger sex..."--tense change (pulls should be pulled)
Okay, so you actually have a lot of tense changes in here, and I can't tell if it's supposed to be present tense or past tense. you might want to figure that out and fix it up a bit.
You're doing quite well on spelling as far as I can tell. Ah, there's another problem.
"The everyones eyes would avert to the doorway, forgetting the rest of the world, while the fresh meat strutted into the club, as if he practically owned the place."--this one has two. "everyones" should be "everyone's," yes? And "the" should possibly be "then?"
"That is the thing about predictability, it was constant, simple and boring. Who want's boring in there life?"--there's a couple here too. "Want's" should be "wants" because it's not a possessive action, and of course, "there" should be "their" once again.
All right, onto the actual review of the story. I've always loved dark stories like this, and instantly the title drew me in because I thought of Dante. I think you've got a pretty strong start here. The descriptions could be a little stronger, but you've got a good start coming. I like the almost mysterious air that you've written in here.
The blot is definitely, subtly building under all of this, and I'm interested to see where you take it.
I'm very curious about this character, to be honest. I don't know anything about this 'boy' who can't yell stop for fear of his life, and the people who control him. It's really vague, and I think that's what you were going for, right? Well it worked.
The dialog, the internal bits that I saw at least, were probably what threw me off. Maybe that's what the whole tense changes was about. Hm. Anyway, if that IS the case, indicate that is indeed the case with italics or possibly even just a line or something to state that its not part of the narration of the story.
The setting, to me, seems very dark and again, vague. I think that's what you were going for again. It really draws one in, like someone to a black, shaded curtain, thirsting for what's on the other side. You portrayed this quite well. As far as connection goes, I think it's a little TO vague for that, but again, I think that was where you were trying to go, since you said that you didn't want to give away the entire story in the prologue.
I'll definitely be keeping track of this story. You've got me very interested~
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Thank you for your help in the grammar, I was still struggling with that ..it just wont go into my brain, tenses ect... thank you for seeing that wasn;t trying to give the whole story out at once, vague yes I found it vague when I wrote it, but I did like it as a beginner
love blair, you opinions and honesty are more than gold ^_&
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You've captured a very unique idea in this prologue. I do think that this does give a basis on which the plot will rely on. It's quite clear what might happen, but every prologue is supposed to keep something hidden from the reader, something that will keep them coming back; congratulations, you've done exactly that.
A sex club, eh? Interesting ;D -
This sounds as good as you have said it would be. Nothing like a good old sex club for men, does this actually exist? Because I think you have captured something different and new here.
Send me this sometime soon and I can edit it for you if needed.
Keep it up, this was a good entrance that lets you in on just that little amount on where this could go.
~Ebb
xox
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what sadistic fairytale said.
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blood ^_*
DAG hehe thanks for that ^_^
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Okay, since it is criticism you ask for- it is criticism I will give.
I will begin with grammar:
Why today started out like any other day, why even bother asking me? (This sentence didn't make particular sense to me, and so starting it off as the first sentence made you wonder about reading the rest. I would reccommend changing it to make sense, or ommitting it and producing a new opening sentence.)
The(n) everyones eyes would avert(Avert:to turn away, look away from. They are look AT these men, not away. Avert does not work here.) to the doorway, forgetting the rest of the world, while the fresh meat strutted into the club, as if he practically owned the place.
They we(re) so full of confidence, so ready and eager, little did they know what cost and extremes we went to and had to go to, to please these hungry men.
So they would sit there in there stingy leather chairs, sipping on there(Their) drinks, awaiting patiently for some young man to make there dreams come true, and when they finally did come true, it was like a drug, a drug that pulls them in, reeling them into this lonely, depressing state of life they call stranger sex, full of one night stands and disappointments.
I won't fix every little thing, because that applies no challenge to you. You cannot become a better writer unless you are able to realize and to see your mistakes, know how to fix them yourself. I will just tell you that many of your grammar mistakes were writing words in the wrong form. Example: There Their They're
Here Hear
Okay, now I will address the next point- Plot.
I did feel a plot building. I think you did a pretty good job of that.
Characters-
You don't get to know the character terribly well in this beginning. However, I find nothing wrong with that. Others may disagree- as has been proven by comments on my own prologues and such- but I believe that an air of mystery to the character at the start is of key importance in building suspense.
Dialog-
There was no real dialog in this. And as I said about the characters- I think that that's fine for the start of a story.
Setting-
I was able to easily relate to the setting. Easier than I think it should have been. Everyone sees the setting differently in their own mind. In mine, I could easily imagine a smoky bar with the men walking in cockily.
That's about it, Blair.
I think that this is an excellent beginning over all.
-Ash-
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ASh*_*
YAY *_* thanks ash.. this is what I LOVE...people telling me that I have stuffed up, so i CAN GO BAC AND MAKE IT BETTER....sooooo much better than ...thats awsome..... thanks for the compliment and critic
Love BLAIR
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p11 'their life', p9 'mind to replace', p14 'something other than a male prostitute'.
You set a depressing mood. There is not a lot to this, but it defines your character and expresses his emotions.
Andy
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andy ^_^
THANKS FOR THE GRAMMAR POINTERS
the applause which wasn't well needed and the compliment
much appreicated
Love BLAIR
*_*
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Plot: I think the plot is really good, the build up is really good so far.
Characters: to tell you the truth, there wasn't that much on the characters in this part of the story. But it still tells you a little about how they are. I think that they're pretty good, but they're going to have to wait until they get more description and depth before they're where they should be.
Dialog: there isn't any dialogue yet. Dialogue is when a character talks. I'll have to wait until you have had them talking some to say something about their dialogue.
Setting: there isn't much of a setting yet, but when you get into the story a bit more, I think it will get better. What you have so far, though, is really good.
I hope to read the rest of this story. It sounds like it should be one hell of a story when you get into it deeper. -
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strange *_*
I'm sitting here pissing myself tht I added that in my authors notes, when there is nothing to comment on as such lol silly billy me
Thanks for your comment and opinion Best Buddy Means a lot to me
and I am sure you will enjoy the next part,when it is written and submittec
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1) there wasnt really a main charactor or should i say charactors
2)the setting is ok beside the town,there isnt a name
3)last is tht this story is more like a prologe
Wes -
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DEMON
Te he he I realised afterwards asking people to comment like that on this peice was weird, but I guess what I am asking lol, what did you think about the overall peice, did i make mistakes, what could I have done better .... -
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oh,ok>.< srry....well the story didnt pull me into it like some storys and it didnt make much sence to it........others might like it though...
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Demon *_*
thanks dude.. I'll go back and try and change some things, one being a new start, the basics for all good stories is a good start, thanks for pointing out that it didn't grab you.. It makes me want to go back and make sure tit is interesting ...
thank you very much for your two comments and honesty.. it was very much so appreciated
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