peanut

A man walked down the busy highway and people rushed by on their way to their families and friends homes. Most of them have cars full of presents wrapped in red and green and cards that have Christmas trees on them or snowmen reading Merry Christmas or joy to the world.No snow had fallen that year and no one had a reason to wear a heavy coat. It was 70 degrees that year on Christmas day. 1

The man was wearing an old plaid shirt and worn out jeans with some old sketchers on. He was 32 years old. His family was gone and he was mentally unable to work or anything and no one would help him at all. His name was Peanut. He had the mental capacity of a 10 year old and knew where he lived and two people's names. His own and the girl that worked at the store up the road. Her name was Harbor Johnson. He had no idea why she would ever talk to him or why she helped him out so much or even why he went back to the store everyday to see her. Then again he did. He loved to hear her voice and see her smile at him.2

She was 16 and had just gotten her license. She worked at the local hardware store with her uncle and had since she was 13. She always helped him out in the store and now that she had a car she drove him to lunch everyday and would come get him when he needed her anywhere. She knew he would never be able to repay him or to ever know who she really was. The doctors told her to back off and let him be but she told them to back off and let her handle it. She would ask him things like do you know who i am and he would reply a nice girl. All she ever wanted him to know was that she was his daughter and that she loved him. He would never understand though. She wanted to bring him home for Christmas and give him some things from her but she knew it would be very hard but she still wanted to try. And that she did.3

On Christmas day he entered the store like usual and got his sugar candy and his usual sun drop and left with them. She saw him leave and took the money out of his pocket and put it in the register and grabbed her things, clocked out and left for the holidays. He was already in her jeep when she got there.4

" Take me to the Walmart." He stared blankly ahead. 5

" No Peanut I am taking you to my house do that you can eat a good meal on Christmas and I got you something." He said nothing and just starred ahead. The whole way home he still said nothing and never looked at her. When they pulled up in the driveway she jumped out and got him out. He clinched onto the sun drop. She guided him in and the first thing he saw was the tree. In the center of the tree was a picture of her and him before his accident and before he turned bald. He stopped at the tree and looked at the picture. Then he pulled at her shirt and pulled her to the mirror on the wall next to the tree. He pulled the ornament off the tree and held it up to himself and her at the mirror. 6

" Me with daughter, me with you, me yous daddy?"7

" Yes daddy that is us together 5 Christmases ago." A tear fell down his face and he dropped the ornament and grabbed her.8

" Me loves yous forevers and evers." 9

" Me too daddy... me too."10

A contest entry

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Comments


  • Andy Stephenson gold member
    December 27, 2007
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    I like this.

    I like this story and I like what you were trying to do with it. You have a lot of run-on sentences, they need some commas or to be separated into two sentences. I think also more depth and detail are needed in the story.

    Thanks for entering the new members contest.

    I hope you are enjoying Storywrite.

    Andy


  • IvoryRose
    December 25, 2007
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    It's a sweet story, and the plot is good. I like idea very much. I think you need to work on some of your grammar, and the development of the language. This seems very conversational. This type of story may warrant a more elaborate tone. Good luck, and good write. Keep penning.

    Kat