Regrets

She walked through the crowded mall in silence, deftly avoiding holiday shoppers as she walked toward her destination. Going to school in New York City helped her figure out how to navigate through big crowds with ease. She knew exactly where she was headed, and didn't want to be slowed down, but was forced to stop when she passed the pet store. In the window sat a puppy, a brown boxer who looked straight at her, as if begging her to bring him home. She smiled wanely as her mind wandered to a time where she had played with a puppy almost identical to this one with a person she deeply cared about. Shaking her head she continued on her way, soon reaching the large bookstore that served as her final destination.1

As she entered the store, she was overwhelmed by the holiday decor, and began to wonder when Christmas had become so gaudy. Sighing, she found the book she was looking for and made her way to the register, when she heard a very familiar voice. Looking up, she saw the one person she thought she would never see again. He couldn't have been more than six feet away, working one of the register. She stared for a moment, and hid behind a book stack before he could see her. Glancing around the corner, she stared at him. He was a bit taller than she remembered, and had cut his hair, but she was sure it was him. She was certain when she heard him laugh. It was the same laugh that had made her smile months ago, that had made everything seem so much better when the world seemed to be at an end. 2

Looking down at the book in her hand, she contemplated coming back another day to buy it, when he wasn't working, not sure whether she would be able to face him if she had to go to his register. She knew she needed it that day though, it was a gift for her father, and the party was in a few hours. Plucking up her courage she got in line, and looked at him as he served the girl in front of her. The register next to him opened up and she went there to pay, but not before glancing at him. Her eyes met his briefly, and she noticed the recognition on his face. She paid quickly and exited the store, her mind racing back to times that she hadn't thought about in ages.3

She had met him online, through one of the numerous social networking sites, and they quickly became friends. Both of them lived in the same city, and, though they didn't know it, knew some of the same people. She didn't know why it was so easy to talk to him, but talk she did, about so much. She trusted him more than she trusted her best friend, which was odd because she found it difficult to trust people. He knew things about her that most people wouldn't have even guessed would have ever happened to her. They had been very close, but he soon disappeared, and she had no idea where he had gone. A few months later, a message appeared on her site from him, saying he had returned. They started hanging out, talking walks and hiking at the local park, or just sitting there talking. It was nice, and it got her mind off her recent breakup with her first love. She felt safer with him than she ever had with anyone else and very soon, they were going out. She had never been happier, until he had to leave the state for a job. Things slowly changed, and, though she still loved him dearly, she felt maybe it was time for them to slow down a bit. When he called to talk to her that fateful night, she told him what she was thinking. She hadn't wanted it to happen as it had. Perhaps if she had called him back, maybe if she had thought things through... but she hadn't and in the weeks following, as she said goodbye to all her friends who were off to college, she began to regret ever telling him goodbye. Every e-mail he had ever sent, didn't get deleted until five months later and she read everyone, crying, as she deleted them. She never thought that she would see him that day, and never would have thought that months later, she would get a pang in her heart at seeing his face.4

When she returned home she went straight to her room. She hadn't been prepared for that. She knew that it was probably going to happen, especially since they lived in the same city, and everyone went to the mall, but still. The worst was the feelings that the "meeting" (if you could call it that) had brought back and she realized that she missed him, everything about him. Things had been difficult for her of late, with so many things going bad, and she realized she had taken him for granted, taken all his help, and all his caring, for granted. Nothing could make her feel worse than the regret she felt at that moment. 5

To understand her thoughts, she wrote them all down, knowing that he would probably never read a single word, and would probably never know how she felt, because she was certain she would never have the courage to speak with him. The words had to be said though, and the story has now been told. I don't think that I've ever made a stupider mistake than the one I made in the tale above, and I know that I will regret it until the day I die. If you ever should read this, I hope that you can forgive me, I am so sorry.