Brianna's Life Prelude

I touch the cold steel to the warmth of my flesh. My daily solution to all of my problems, circulating their way in my life. Slicing my skin over and over until the warm trickle of fresh blood runs down my arm. Until all there is left is scars upon scars decorating my skin. I can never wear a bathing suit, shorts, or even short sleeves for fear of others knowing my secret. This is my life, today.1

It all started when my friend, Anna, committed suicide. Her life had seemed perfect, and I had envied her so. She was thin, beautiful, perfect model material. I always wondered why she refused to be a model. Her scars were internal or so I thought, no one could see them but her. It was a normal day when I found a note she had written.2

“I love you all dearly and especially Brianna, but I can not go on living my life like this. The daily Hell, that I go through. My dad hits me whenever he gets mad. I can’t take it anymore and especially at night. He comes into my room late at night, when everyone’s asleep. I’m always afraid to sleep because he wakes me up touching me, and then he forces himself onto me. The rape has killed me inside and I can’t take it anymore. My only way of dealing with this hatred and pain, was by cutting myself and starving myself. It’s no ones fault but my fathers. I love you all so much, but I can not bear another night of this Hell. Maybe it wouldn’t have come to this, had I gotten help. It’s too late now though. It’s the only way for me, please understand.” That was the suicide note Brianna had found of Anna’s.3

After some investigating Anna’s mother, Mrs. Lopez, found out all about what was going on. She also found that Anna’s father had been molesting her 3 year old daughter, Nicola. Anna’s life had left a huge impact on everyone she cared about, but it had especially left a huge impact on Brianna.4

Six months into her new life of starving herself, and self-mutilating. Brianna had lost 45 lbs. and now weighed 110 lbs. An unhealthy weight for someone who’s height was 5’8. Brianna loved the attention she was getting currently. No one had ever commented on how wonderful she looked until then. All the guys were showing off to catch her attention, and being the southern belle she was, she would laugh at their little stunts. In all honesty, Brianna was too scared to date any of the boys. She was scared of opening herself and her heart up to any of them.5

Brianna’s life is centered on perfection. Her room is always spotless and if someone moves something, she freaks out over it. She vacuums her room daily at least four times, if not six times. Everything has an exact spot where it’s supposed to be. If it’s just slightly moved Brianna gets frantic, and has to rearrange it neatly, to how it was. Her life is categorized and alphabetized just like her books. She feels the need to be in control of every aspect of her life. When she’s not in control, Brianna fears she will lose someone else. None of these troubles had come about until Anna’s suicide. She couldn’t control Anna’s suicide, and she can’t control how her dad acts around her anymore. It seems since she has gone through puberty, her dad doesn’t want to even hug her anymore. Brianna feels so isolated from her father, and she doesn’t understand why everything’s changed. It’s as if when she grew up, he didn’t want her anymore.6

So dealing with her life, Brianna self-mutilates and starves her self. For what little control she can have over her life.