"The Gods Dream Green Dreams"1
0. proem.2
Bright, green light steals Angel from the dream world. The softness of earth is remembered, felt. His eyes open like blooming flowers and they cast his sentience upon the forest, his home. Angel hears birds caw-cawing to one another and the buzzing of a billion insects comes together like fine gossamer music. He feels nothing beside him on the ground and wonders where Feather has gone.3
---4
"Fishing?" Angel asks.5
River looks up from his water-face and sees Angel appearing from behind the brush. He lowers his spear, nods.6
Angel treads through the shallow stream and stands beside Feather, who stands beside River. The three of them share a quiet moment, gazing down at the fish behind their water-faces.7
"I had a dream," Angel says. The others say nothing, wait for more. "There was a car."8
"Car?" River asks.9
"Yes."10
Feather kneels down, traces her fingers in the water. "It's too quiet today," she whispers.11
Angel stares at River, who stares down at Feather's water-face. River feels Angel's eyes on him and turns away.12
"Come on," River says and begins to walk down the bank. "You've scared all the fish away."13
---14
Thomas gazes out the backseat window, his own face gazing back at him, both of them bored. Outside, foliage looms down on the car, shrouding it in an emerald shadow. Beyond the road, Thomas watches as nature blurs past. His whole life he has wanted to see the trees, but after so many hours amidst the wilderness, the wonder begins to wear thin.15
Thomas looks to his father and mother in the front of the car. "How much longer?" he asks. Neither of them answer.16
"Dad?"17
"Yes, son," Thomas' father says, staring straight ahead.18
"How much longer?"19
"A little while still, Tom."20
"Try and take a nap, dear," Thomas' mother says. "It'll go faster that way."21
"I'm not tired," Thomas says.22
"Well..." his mother starts, but trails off, distracted.23
"Mom?"24
Thomas' mother sighs. "Just listen to some music or something, Tommy."25
Thomas stares back out the window. Pouting, he puts on a pair of headphones, presses "Play" on his CD player, and rests his head against the glass.26
---27
Angel and Feather hold each other's hands and River tries to grab at fish with his. Feather sits, Angel stands, and she keeps staring up at him, admiring the golden light that falls on him through the naked spaces in the trees.28
"You are beautiful," she tells him.29
Angel says nothing. Her compliment bothers him. He is scared of it, and other things.30
River splashes wildly in the water, catching only mud and pebbles between his fingers. His spear sits on the riverbank, useless to him and thus, forgotten.31
"Damn!"32
Angel glares at River.33
"Do not swear. The forest will be angry."34
River laughs. "The forest I can deal with. It's these fish that I need to worry about."35
Feather leans against Angel's leg.36
"I wish it was night," she says. "You only hold me at night."37
Angel lets go of her hand.38
"I'm going to check the road." He looks down at Feather. "Stay with River. Help him fish."39
"I hate fish."40
"Please."41
Feather nods. Angel disappears into the green.
In a list
A contest entry
- Ahh! what's the world coming to? by Holey Pastry.
350 points, ended April 3, 2008, 14 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - They Were Wrong! by callthexylophone.
600 points, ended May 17, 2008, 20 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - The first chapter of your best story! by Night Terrors.
100 points, ended August 14, 2008, 13 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - The Three Options by Cupcake14.
150 points, ended May 20, 12 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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(Thought I'd return the favor.)
The preface is intriguing, puzzling, and has some absolutely beautiful descriptions. I love the subtlety in the dialogue and action that gives the reader a lot to think on without it being shoved in the face. There is a lot the reader is able to deduce or guess from what you've written. I love that.
There isn't much one is able to comment on so far, as far as plot and characters. This preface, however, does do a good job of enticing me along. My curiosity has not been sated.
-K
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I think you have something going here. I really liked the images and the words you used to develop the image. The names overall are quite intriguing and the dialogue seems somewhat believable.
Despite this, I don't really feel all that connected with the characters. They seem two-dimensional. I think it would have to do with the abruptness of a few parts of this piece. A little bit of background will go a long way.
Overall, I cannot wait for part 2.
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Hey dreamshell,
Very nicely written, but like the others I'm not sure just what to think right now. Hope the next part will answer a few questions.
Steve
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I'm still at a loss
but interested. It's very different the way you are telling the story and looks like it could get very interesting, but right now, I am very puzzled. We just need a few more questions answered.
I liked it
Trish
beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 2, ending: 2, dialog: 3, characters: 3.
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This is beautiful - such a way with words and images! You've really caught my attention; I really want to know what happens next. You introduce such mysterious characters and such mysterious circumstances. And all of it is written so poetically. Also, I have to admit that it was the title that really caught my attention. Truly excellent, with so much great imagery and assonance. The only thing I will add is that this seems a little short to be a full "chapter." It's also very disjointed, which goes well with the style of story it is, but when this section is both short and disjointed, it feels a little abrupt. You might need to give readers a little more meat before cutting us off for chapter two.
Just a thought. Anyways, nicely done - thanks for sharing!
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I like how prone to poeticism this is. I especially like that there is a "proem." However, I was expecting more of a ballad type format after it, so I felt that was slightly misleading. This is a very slow flow, and while I like it right now, it's something I would have to be "in the mood" to read. It does leave quite an opening for things to come, though.
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Intruiging, Your desciption and dialog are great..... I am a little confused as to where the story is going..but that only wants me to read on. I hate reading stories when I've figured out the plot in the first five pages. this definately is not one of those.. Can't wait to read more.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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I've no idea what's going on here. I frequently felt this way whenever I read anything by Robert Silverberg and this has the same otherworldly feel to it.
I'm not hooked...yet, but will continue to read anyway. -
this is neat I like the angel thisng I am into them. This has a lot of potentual I like how you added mystical to everyday life
beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 3, ending: 4, dialog: 3, characters: 5.
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I liked this, I only wish that you had put more of it up because now I can't really comment on narrative structure or the plot. Everything was good, really, I love the writing and I love mythology, but "Feather" and "Angel" are some lame names (since I don't know why these people/dieites are named that yet). I'm mostly confident that their names will be less-lame later, but I have to be honest for right now. Good job, really! Thanks for entering!
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Hmm..
Honestly an interesting story. I don't truely understand what is going on, especially with the part about Thomas. That might be because it is the first part. I believe I shall continue reading to figure it out.
Good luck in the contest!
H.P.
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