Average Night

Taylor is folding jeans on the floor and Brittany is sitting on her still wet sweater. Discussions of shirt-folding ninjas float between them. Brittany is demonstrating now on the floor of the dorm room. Inside-out or right-side out, it doesn’t really matter. She’s not done it a while, but she did it perfectly. She recalls the video on you-tube of the ninja at top speed. She has problems with the last pinch, though. This way is okay, but the shirts won’t stay folded so nice for long, they’re just going to be tossed into a drawer. The laundry basket is mine, but I don’t mind that Taylor hijacks it. Heather has been gone for a while, but Taylor thinks she might have seen her. Brittany doesn’t want to be in her room alone, so we invite her to bring her homework into ours. She leaves. Taylor realizes that folding her jeans in futile, they’re going onto hangers anyway. I can hear Brittany’s door close and I expect her back soon. Taylor wonders why I’m giggling, it must be something funny, I’m writing about us.1

Brittany scratches at our door, as always. Taylor wonders aloud why she does it every time she comes over. She wants there to claw marks by the end of the year. Heather is back, but her and Josh are going to watch porn, as in John Stewart on the Colbert Report. Heather asks what she’s doing, she’s making love to me under the stars, but now it’s Taylors turn. Taylor wants to know if there are stars out tonight. They asked the same question. Heather’s not invited because Josh is here. She’s disappointed, Josh is not pleased. 2

When Brittany was in the bathroom a few days ago fixing her make-up, Josh was buttoning his shirt. Brittany had to show him how, because he is retarded. He wore the shirt again today, and Heather was doing the same thing for him. Brittany called him out on it, she was undressing him in the bathroom. Heather hit her with a pillow. But she’s going to hell for calling herself Jesus. Taylor is putting her jeans on hangers.3

Brittany leaves again, but I can hear her voice down the hallway. She comes back with a new story. Ladder. Congratulations on identifying another object in the room. Lamp. Chair. She can’t handle it. She’s looking for her vocabulary list. Oh the irony. Taylor is putting her clothes in the drawer. Hey, Brittany folded that shirt. Why does Taylor get the top set? I am on top in this relationship. We like to switch things up. That’s where the pretzels went, in her underwear drawer. No, here.4

Brittany is just as Asian as Taylor is, learning Japanese art. Living With Brittany is a tv show. Heather wrote a script. Yeah, it’s Taylor’s turn. Eh, that doesn’t sound very happy. Taylor told her there were no stars out tonight.5

Taylor has another load in the dryer, but there’s not much in it. Brittany learns about Jewish, Christian and Byzantine art. What kind of Japanese art is she studying? Wood block and brush stroke? No, they’re translations and names, not style. Taylor is sitting on the still wet sweater.6

Oh vocabulary, Brittany defines. Taylor plays videogames. Taylor’s friend is not aware that we have antics. What are antics? Wacky misadventures. Why misadventures, not just adventures? Okay, they could be both. This game imitates brush strokes. 7

A putty is a cherub, a chubby child with wings in Christian art. Not a putty call. 8

Taylor’s mom took her to a hotel and she jumped into the pool, the brilliant three year old that she was, in the deep end. Her mom saved her, but tried to steal the credit.9

Brittany hasn’t had any real near death experiences, except when her brother lost control of the car on an icy road. He hit the gas when he wasn’t supposed to because he was spinning, but they made it into a parking lot and it saved their lives.10

Every household should have an African orphan. Brittany is going to hell. The writing is too small. No, it’s not. You can’t even see it. How do I blow up let me in? No.11

Brittany is typing. Tomorrow is mystery shop. Oh yeah. We guys promised. Brittany was a poop yesterday. She’s sorry she wasn’t really in the story, but I was. It would be a lot more fun, she hopes she’ll have more fun next time. It should be different. Taylor doesn’t have the motivation to play this right now. She wants to draw or something. So draw. Draw a ladybug. Eating a tree. An Indian tree.12

So Brittany has come to the realization that she is a B+ college student. She could spend the rest of her life doing the homework, but she doesn’t have to.13

Do we remember how Taylor’s old tablet broke? The cable shorted. Guess what she just found. A tutorial on how to repair shorts. Brittany would make Heather buy a soldering gun. Brittany has a piece of homemade apple pie in her fridge. Lucky.14

Give Taylor something other than a ladybug on an Indian tree? Brittany needs a heart with wings. What for? She wants it for her tattoo. Taylor’s not good at clean lines, she’s a sketchy character. Get it.15

Where’s the pen, there’s India Ink. Taylor doesn’t have any good nibs. Brittany has one, but it’s from France and has no refill. Draw Brittany. She forgot she drew Brittany. It’s a paint chat room. That’s pretty special. Draw Brittany as a panda. With panda ears. Chomping on some bamboo. Gnaw gnaw gnaw gnaw. She’s got to get her fiber somehow.16

Brittany doesn’t like celery in things, but she likes celery. We’re not on drugs. We need a bean bag chair to put here, so Brittany can sit on it while she’s over. Taylor is a typing fiend.17

Would we want one? Taylor would like one, but it would be more trouble than it’s worth. Brittany’s is hiding in her dog house.18

What’s wrong? Taylor is waiting for it to load. Does Brittany look like a panda yet? Aw, that looks cute. Oh, just this sketch. That’s Heather’s sort of body. She won’t mind. That reminds her, who knew pandas were that fierce. 19

On how to repair shorts? What’s it like to be our friends? Average Wednesday night? Typical Wednesday night? It just keeps getting better. Brittany is a panda. We’ll have to cut it off Taylor’s computer and glue it to Brittany’s. Taylor will get it over there.20

Brittany will be screwed in communications class. We will have to communicate a lot. She can’t say words. That’s why she wanted to learn sign language. She doesn’t speak English. 21

Taylor can’t understand fast Japanese with her name in it. Foreign exchange students can talk fast Japanese to confuse her too. Like the Pillows, look up their lyrics if you want nonsense.22

We won’t be around anymore. Brittany will kill herself in Disney World to scar a little kid. In Cinderella Castle to make a point. 23

Taylor wants to listen to the Pillows. No I put a bunch of songs on it, but it’s on random, so there’s no guarantee. What color hair do you have? Brittany. Good question. Come pick out a shade for Taylor. She’s the artist. True.24

Brittany will be a middle school teacher. They know that thing that it’s called that she can’t pronounce well they did that thing that she also can’t pronounce. Great education. Teaching in Michigan. Read the books kids. Taylor should go out for a smoke. Brittany knows it looks dirty, but her laptop is just as dirty. Did Taylor just say take it off? Yes. 25

Brown and blonde smudged together, she’ll see what she gets. That looks good. Me and my scream-o. 26

Brittany has eczema. What is it? A skin condition. Thank you smart asses. College education is showing. It is blistering, cracking, bleeding and oozing. It’s dry skin. It is colder out.27

Brittany has got AIDS. Yes, she knows me. Who gave her AIDS? Taylor never got her turn, she got it from me.28

Taylor is truly blessed to be near us. Brittany’s eyes are watering. No, she’s really crying. Her eyes are watering it’s dusty in here. If it makes her feel any better, Taylor’s drawn her as a panda. All’s right with the world. Do panda’s have pink inside their ears? Taylor will search. They’re fuzzy, but she needs a reference. If her paw is black, what’s her tummy going to be? They have white tummies though. Taylor will give her a bikini in black. It makes sense.29

Brittany looks cute. She thinks she should be a panda. Taylor nearly played the king wannabe panda game instead. It’s the story of Brittany’s life. Don’t tell Keith, he will not be pleased. She’s tired of being queen, she wants to be a panda. Nip/Tuck will turn Brittany into a panda. That guy turned himself into a tiger.30

Staying in the lines. That wasn’t a good idea. There’s no undo function. Taylor is retarded. The black is on a different layer. It’s like a biology book. Brittany knows why Taylor stays in the lines.31

Brittany just needs a bikini. It’s a typical conversation. It’s just Brittany on an average day. Try to guess what disorder she has. I stabbed myself with something and I can’t find it. It was a spear gun and I was guilty. 32

A little bikini. Brittany looks so evil now. Emo panda. Put slits on its wrists. Emo cutter panda? Brittany wants fangs. She has a little one. Taylor thinks it’s fuzzy. 33

It’s done. Brittany has the scissors. Taylor will do it. 34

We have to watch the Panda song. The panda’s stalk with a black heart. What if someone steals and doesn’t give Taylor credit? She’ll upload it to her gallery. Maybe that’s where the ferocious panda came from? 35

Brittany likes pandas, unicorns, Wizard of Oz, anything pink. Anything pink? Taylor thinks no one follows the guidelines because they upload such crap. She was banned over a year ago. It was an accident, the wrong person was banned from the site. She tried e-mailing moderators, but she gave up. It’s okay now, though. It’s not that interesting. 36

Brittany is not going to bed now. This bar says to ignore her. What bar? This one. Taylor can have her chair back. Heather has come to save Brittany. Taylor says she can never leave. Heather’s princess. Taylor’s too. Heather needs to hug me. 37

Brittany is going to jail after this. Taylor is not as interesting as us guys. It’s not so typical, Josh is already gone. It’s so weird. What will Heather do with her time? Taylor is a failure to send e-mails. 38

How long has this orange been on the windowsill? It’s not Taylor’s it’s mine. Heather had one in her backpack for two days, and it got moldy. 39

Someone told Taylor to draw a mouse-dragon. She did. If someone told her to draw herself jumping off a bridge would she do it? Where’s the ladybug and Indian tree? Taylor didn’t draw it. She will draw herself jumping off an Indian tree with a ladybug. That’s really stupid. We’re both giving Brittany the saddest look. She wishes for a camera.40

What’s that? Taylor jumping off an Indian tree with a ladybug. What’s an Indian tree? Indians bend over saplings to mark their paths and they grow crooked. 41

What do I want to be drawn as? An orange. An apple. An orange apple? Heather can see it. Taylor thinks it needs eyeliner. It is the best thing Taylor has ever drawn. Ever. Fangs. Brittany thinks it looks just like me. Like a photograph. Taylor is so talented. She should have saved it. She didn’t save it. Fangs.42