I had spread a brand new box of crayons around my coloring book and was trying to decide if I wanted My Little Pony's mane to be orchid or lavender when I heard the faint but unmistakable scritch of someone picking the locks to my apartment. More out of instinct than any specific plan of action, I quietly rolled towards my bedroom door, slid into a standing position, flattened myself against the wall, and switched off the light.1
A moment later, the brief jangle of the security chain told me whomever was trying to break in had managed to pick both the main lock and the deadbolt a lot more quickly than any amateur could manage. Reaching under my skirt, I silently cursed the layers of crinoline before I found my weapon in the holster strapped around my carefully shaved thigh. 2
On the one hand, wearing a gun under a frilly, baby blue party dress felt odd ... even odder than wearing the dress. On the other hand, years of service in the Bureau had made carrying a weapon second nature to me; I felt naked without it. Up until a year ago, the Federal Bureau of Investigation had been my life. Before I could really start getting seriously bitter about my forced "retirement", the sharp snick of a chain being cut quickly brought my attention back to the present. 3
The door creaked noisily as it opened. It was a creak I had purposely fostered for just such an occasion. Light flooded the entry hall, followed by a shadow. It was the invader's first real mistake. My heart thumped under my ribcage as the shadow approached. 4
I held my breath when it paused outside the bedroom door and hoped the thunder of my pulse hadn't been heard. The mother-of-pearl handle was beginning to feel slick in my sweaty grip. Just as the invader began moving again, I reached around the door frame, grabbed what felt like a handful of collar, and yanked hard. 5
Before he could react, I slammed him against the door and shoved my weapon in his face. Yes, I said he and his. The hair and body language suggested female, but the general shape I could see under his heavy overcoat said male. At that particular moment, I was too pissed to be politically correct. "Okay buddy," I whispered, "you're seriously cutting into my playtime. Tell me who you are and what you're doing here before you're neck winds up enjoying a pleasant breeze."6
My captive mumbled incoherently around a mouthful of steel. Realizing my mistake, I pulled the muzzle back a few inches. "Okay, try that again."7
"Richard ... is that really you?"8
I lifted the muzzle a few inches and pressed it against his forehead. "I'm the one asking the questions, so lets try this again. Who are you?"9
"D-Don't you recognize me? It's your old boss, Barry."10
I took a second look and realized he was telling the truth. My former supervisor went cross-eyed as I released the safety. "You're not giving me a very good reason to not blow your head off."11
"Please, I n-need your help."12
"After the crap you put me through, you've got the nerve to come asking for help? Why the hell should I?"13
"J-just. ..." Barry paused and closed his eyes. "Just open my coat. It'll explain everything."14
I undid the top two buttons. Underneath I found a pink peter-pan collar trimmed in white eyelet lace. "Okay," I said as I reset the safety and took a step back, "you've got my attention."
A contest entry
- Spark My Muse for a Hundred Points by beezy92.
290 points, ended December 20, 2007, 19 entries
Honorable winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Get out your funny pants!! Humor contest. by RxxSpiritWolfxxJ.
350 points, ended April 23, 2008, 14 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Little funny stories by not.me.
100 points, ended August 19, 2008, 14 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Sorry there isn't more. My muse only left me this little snippet of a story.
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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Waitaminit ...
This story is intriguing and funny, but the sex of the main characters gives me doubt ... hmm. I guessed the pony and crayon thing was girly + the skirt = female, right? But then the intruder calls him/her/it(?) Richard!! 0.o
And Barry himself!
What is this, cross-dressing parade??
Good job, you had me cracked up here.
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Thank you! This story started out with a pretty unusual premise, but I had fun writing.
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LOL oh my god this was so funny!!! I can't stop laughing now just picturing this in my mind. You have quite a sense of humor to write this and I loved it! If you ever write more to it please let me know. I would love to see you continue this
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Holy sheep-dip, Batman! This was really funny, and the dialogue was fantastic. It reminds me of Janet Evanovich's bounty hunter series, which I really enjoyed reading. You sense of humor really comes through in your writing, and again, it's a pleasure to read your work!
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LOL I love the name and the story's great too!
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wow this is really good!im not sure i quite understand the end, but it really pulled me in!this is a really nice write and i loved how you described everything!
. Rewarded 4
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Thank you!
Thanks everyone for all your great feedback! I'm sorry this story isn't longer. Sometimes it feels like my muse enjoys tormenting me. It just left this snippet of a story on the doorstep of my imagination, then ran away giggling. If I can find some way of coaxing it into telling me what happens next (it's as much a mystery to me as anyone else), I'll definitely post it. -
o0o0o0...thats cool!! cross-dressing!? :S i think..but over all..the story was cool heather..i really liked it..and i didnt get the crayon thingi..is this person like seriously ill or something!! cuz richard is man with shaved legs in blue dress, who likes to draw with crayons and like ponies!! thats so strange!! but i guess thats why im tempted to read more!! its really awesome heather!! keep it up!!
Aaez.*
. Rewarded 8
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I agree with Mazzon, This is good and discriptive, but theres little content. Good job though. I love the way you write!
Keep on Writing!!
. Rewarded 4
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Well that sure was odd. Male FBI agents in frilly dresses, colouring My Little Ponies with crayons? Rather surreal.
Not much to the story besides the obvious gimmick, though. You write well and descriptively when handling the action, but there's not much content. Though the story being this short, that's largely understandable.. Rewarded 6
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Very good
This is such a great beginning that I am really disappointed there is not more. I like stories that surprise me and this one definitely did. Until I reached line 8, I had assumed the main character was a woman.
The word "frilly" was an important part of this, since most women I know would feel uncomfortable in a frilly dress.
What makes this a good beginning, and not just a funny fragment, is that it presented a weird situation, but it made me care why it was happening. This may be because except for the clothing, the story has a rather gritty feel to it, which makes the characters more believable.
This is a minor thing, but when I read "Yes, I said he and his." in line 6, I wondered if I had missed something, since nothing had made me assume the intruder was not a man.
. Rewarded 8
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AAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
WHATS GOING ON?? WHY ARE THE STRAIGHT MEN (are they straight? I think of FBI men as being all "hu-ah" and sadly homophobic) WEARING FRILLY PANTIES AND PARTY DRESSES??
Haha the title reeled me in (rare occurrence =) me in and the story kept me. Exciting all the way through. *three mental applause* Finalist list
By the way, I loved these lines:
"D-Don't you recognize me? It's your old boss, Barry."
I took a second look and realized he was telling the truth. My former supervisor went cross-eyed as I released the safety. "You're not giving me a very good reason to not blow your head off." lmao
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Federal Pansy Investigation?
*dies laughing*
Is it just me? Or was that a man dressed in a frilly blue party dress drawing my little ponies?
Ah this had me in tears laughing! Please say you'll continue! I'm dying to know what happens next!
Yrs.
L.
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Don't stop NOW!
Absolutely not fair! "You've got my attention." Well, you have, where's the rest?
This is absolutely hilarious! The best FBI story I've ever read.
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