The Halfway House To Heaven.

The Halfway House Too Heaven.1

By: Tara Arts2

“Reality is wrong. Dreams are real.”3

---Cameron Carter---4

I sit on the couch and stare at the television. The t.v screen flashes disaster after disaster. So many people are dying that it makes my throat hurt from holding back tears.5

When the newscaster is finished telling of each dark tale, I get up and carry my dishes to the kitchen. My eyes are sore from exhaustion and I stifle a yawn.6

It’s late.7

Are you wondering just who I am now?8

Should I tell you? Can I trust you with each bit of information that is me? Can I trust that you won’t tell my secrets?9

I suppose it would benefit the story to tell you. Maybe it will even benefit me. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I do not know what I’ve become.10

Let’s just start with the fact that I am a male. I’m not a man, because I’m only twenty-one years old, and I do not care to even consider the fact that I’ve become fully adolescent.11

I’m just a male. I have the body parts of the male anatomy and I sound like a male should, if there is such a definition. I have short, spiky hair like society expects, but its silver with a gold shock reaching to the sky.12

Speaking of height, this reminds me I am by far the shortest twenty-one year old I know. I’m five foot, and weigh only 117 pounds.13

I know that I’m very light. This does not, I must tell you, mean I can dart and outrun certain pain by a certain person in my life I’ve always hated. My step-father.14

We will not discuss this right now. Maybe later.15

Another thing about me is that I have a deep passion for music. Music lets me escape whatever crisis I am in the mists of having, and I can let go. I can rock my whole body and scream and cry, just letting go all of the built up fury and hate deep inside of me. I do this quite frequently, I must note. Does this tell you something?16

While we are on the topic of built up anger and hatred, the reason for this is because of several things.17

The main reason is because I’ve held in a very big secret in for a very long time. Holding a very big secret in for a very long time is not healthy, if you didn’t know. This very big secret could very well end any and all relationships I have with my friends. They could shun me in every way, shape, and form. Parade me through main street stark naked on a very busy day, and chop off all of my hair, before I, Cameron Carter, must admit to my friends that I’m gay.18

The second reason is because my so-called step-father used to beat me and slap me with his belts across the back. I still have scars of them to this day, and I can’t tell anyone about this. If I did who knows what he would do.19

The third reason is a bit like the second. To put it bluntly, if I ever told my friends or anyone for that matter, that my step-dad used to hit me, and if he ever saw me again would probably smash my head into the nearest wall, they would look at me with sympathy and pity me for the rest of my life. That is the last thing that I want. Sympathy is not a reassurance. It’s just a disgrace.20

I am not so excited to consider the fact that I must face my friends tomorrow.21

But for now, I need rest because I had a very trying day.22

Okay, now you’re thinking, “You had a trying day?” You go on and on with the miniscule tasks you had to go about doing. You trail off when I don’t look at you seriously. I just stare and cross my thin, tan arms over my chest.23

“Oh, really?” I ask with a hint of sarcasm in my husky voice. “Well that makes my problems look tiny…”24

You only stare back at me and wait for me to go on, because knowing me, I have more to say.25

Apparently I do have more to say, so I say it. “My day was trying, too. I am my friends’ personal chauffer and I drove them around town all day. I went to the bar with these friends and I had to resist the urge to flood my soul with drinks and cigarette smoke. If I had been drinking, no one would be sober to drive all them home from the bar and we could have possibly crashed. Do you know what drinking and driving does to you? You think you’re big, bold, and bullet-proof. You think eighty miles per hour is too slow. But when fenders fly through windows you sober up real fast.”26

You stare more.27

I continue, “Before we went to the bar today, I had to do groceries and I had to do laundry. Not such hard tasks, yes, but I had to do them alone. I have no one to help me out while folding jeans. I didn’t have someone to push the shopping-cart around the store with one hand, his other hand, warm and soft, loosely in my left hand.28

“Yes, I have thought this over so many times, and I would prefer he hold my left hand because I am right-handed.”29

You speak up now, “He?”30

What? Did I not just tell you this? “Yes, I’m gay.” I nod bravely.31

You bite your lip and nod slightly. “Okay.” You manage to say coolly.32

Is this all you can say? Not even, “Cool.” or, “Wow…”33

I guess I expected you to be ashamed, or disgusted, but you’re not.34

---The Dogs ---35

I shrug it off and head up the stairs. I have been standing on the stairs for more then five minutes thinking over our little conversation.36

I walk into the hallway leading to the bathroom and trip over one of my dogs, Nerve.37

Nerve is a very respectable sized dog and very outspoken. Or out-barked, I suppose you could say. He is two years old. He is some sort of cuddly Black Lab mixed with vicious German Shepard from the depths of Hell. When threatened by unknown attackers, he will growl, bite, yip and jump about the room in a mad frenzy that my friends and I have come to call his Nerve-ous Episodes.38

He has never once bit me, I can proudly say. Even when I trip over him he just looks up with one sleepy eye and falls back asleep, or goes back to what he was doing before.39

This is one of those times, and I continue on down the hall. I am greeted at the bathroom entrance by my other dog, Hidden Violence. If it is unknown to you why I named him Hidden Violence, there are three very good reasons for such an odd name.40

The first reason is because he was my very first dog, and when I got him for emotional support I was having a hard time dealing with the fact that I couldn’t tell anyone about my step-father beating me, or telling people that I’m gay. That being said, it was like a personal torture to not let those things be known.41

My second very good reason is that Hidden Violence may look all sweet and gentle, but if you mess with him he will be all up on you, tearing your skin off of bone.42

My third reason is that it is two words out of a song I very much love, by a band I love with every part of my being.43

Hidden Violence is four years old and a rather strange dog. He is some sort of hyper-Labrador my friend Diana has, mixed with loud, barking, bitch of a Doberman my other friend Amy has, that I call, Terri the Terror; the dog, not the friend.44

Hidden Violence stands up on his back legs and smiles at me, if that is even possible for a dog to smile. He bats his paws in the air and wiggles his rear-end happily. When I don’t pet him and proceed to walk around him, he starts to bark angrily and rams his whole body against the bathroom door which I have just closed on him and locked.45

He continues to bark and scratch at the door as I run water through my hair. The hair that was the spike now falls loosely down my shoulders and I begin to brush the knots out.46

When I step out of the restroom, I am greeted by Hidden Violence and Nerve. Nerve pants heavily and stares up at me, while Hidden Violence has begun wiggling back and fourth again.47

Hidden Violence’s front paws reach my shoulders as he jumps up on me, which Nerve has just done, too. I push Nerve and HV down and try to walk through the live dog barricade.48

I accidentally step on Hidden Violence’s tail while walking by he barks and starts to cry. I reach down and give him a pat and say, “Sorry, sweetie.” He begins to wag his rear again.49

This makes Nerve jealous and he begins to walk slowly in front of me. I push him aside with my foot and continue on, giving him a gentle pat on the head as I walk by.50

When you have dogs, it is a vicious cycle of attention. You pet one dog; the other gets mad and seeks attention, too. So you give that dog attention, and the other one wants more… again. Back and fourth you pet them and then get the brilliant idea of patting both at the same time. No. Then one of the dogs thinks you are either looking at the other dog more, or petting it better so they start to bark and yip back and fourth angrily, arguing for your love and affection until you are forced to give up and walk away from the whole damn scene.51

My dogs are exactly like that.52

---The First Nightmare ---53

I lie in bed and stare at the ceiling. Nerve lays at my right side and his head is across my chest. Hidden Violence prefers to sleep in the hallway.54

Nerve looks at me with his big brown eyes, and I reach over and pet his head. Softly I sort of whisper to him a lullaby my mother used to sing to me before she passed away. His drool covered tongue reaches my face and he gives me a dog kiss.55

If you’ve never had a dog kiss, you must know it’s not the most pleasant feeling in the world but it makes you warm inside because you know someone in your miserable, pathetic excuse for a life loves you.56

This thought makes me sad though, because my biggest fear in life is aloneness. I can’t stand the thought of being without someone or something that loves me. My dogs and my friends are my life, but I know that one day none of them will be at my side. It scares me so much. I would rather kill myself while I still have friends than to die alone naturally.57

I drift into a troubled sleep and float in and out of it. I roll over onto my side and bury my face in the pillow. Sudden tears sting my eyes and my common nightmare returns to my head.58

Imagine you’re in a dark room. You can’t even see your hands inches from your very face. Every blow of the belt comes down on you harder then usual. Your step-father brings his arm back up and you can hear the whistle of the belt as it hits the air, inches from your bare back. It stings your skin and you hunch down in the dirt, whimpering and crying out.59

He calls you a coward and you believe it, even though you know you’re not because you’ve had the strength in you all of your life; the strength to grind your teeth through the pain and stand up in the end; the strength to doctor your own wounds and go to school the next day, and that unmistakable power within you to not let him win by telling someone dear to you the cold hard facts.60

But that truth doesn’t matter in this room. This room is for lies and pain and blood. This room is for mistakes and alcohol. Reality causes you to gag because you know what happens when he comes home drunk, loud and bold; when doors slam and your kin becomes your own worst enemy. Dreams aren’t pleasant anymore. They’re now filled with nightmarish figures and the sounds of suffering devour you in the night. Even the sheets strangle you and you wake up breaking the silence with a terrified scream.61

This is the room that you cannot escape. This is the room that you are kneeling on, rubbing your knees raw from crawling; crawling away from a monster so terrible it brings tears to your eyes just thinking about it.62

And there is nothing you can do to get away. Your voice is unheard. The walls are soundproof and no one cares. 63

I wake up in a cold sweat and Nerve rests his paws in my lap and looks up at me sympathetically, because he knows I just had the nightmare again. I grip my back to make sure no blood is there because in my nightmare he was hitting me so hard and I felt a warm, wet liquid running down my back and on my hands. I imagine it was just Nerve licking me but I am only making sure.64

I look over at the alarm clock. It is 5:14 am. I know I won’t be able to go back to sleep so I get up and head towards the stairs. Nerve obviously isn’t tired either and follows me. HV is sleeping in the hall outside of my room and he wakes up and begins prancing behind me like a dancer, happy to be seeing me so early, or late, however you look at it, in the day.65

I go down the stairs and loyally, Nerve walks near my left side and I use him to lower myself off the last tall step. He doesn’t mind.66

Hidden Violence keeps prancing around my feet and I try to step around him. Apparently he has other ideas and he lands hard in my lap as I lie down on the sofa. I push him off as gently as I can.67

“Nerve, fetch the remote.” I say. Nerve is a very handy dog.68

He hands me the remote in his mouth. I turn on the television and watch the last of some comedy show. It is a very funny show but I don’t laugh. I can’t seem to laugh. Hell, I even try to laugh but it sounds more like a half a sigh and part of a cough.69

I don’t even smile in my mind. My face is kept straight. These nightmares do that to me.70

I decide it would be kind to let Hidden Violence lay with me as I watch something about Vampires because he is getting scared and Nerve is just scaring him more by growling at the television screen, trying to protect me from the offending Vampire I’ve decided to call Bloat.71

Bloat attacks a young girl and Hidden Violence starts to whimper. I pat the part of the sofa behind my legs and HV jumps up and lays down. He rests his head on my thigh and shuts his eyes.72

Nerve stands tense in front of the t.v when Bloat and another Vampire I decide to call Poke fly quickly towards the camera as if they are about to attack him. He lets out a loud “WOOF” And starts to do the Nerve-ous Episode I was telling you about.73

When that scene is over he sits down facing me and wags his tail as if he really did scare off Bloat and Poke.74

The first smile of the day slips onto my face and I reach out to pet him.75

Nerve lays down and goes to sleep, and HV starts to snore.76

--- Lie To Them ---77

When I wake, I find myself lying on the floor with drool coming out of my mouth. I can’t believe I actually fell asleep…78

I look at the clock on the wall and it says 7:45 am. Just enough time to get ready for work.79

I race to my bedroom and Nerve hurries to get up and he runs closely behind me. Hidden Violence hears the commotion going on that he’s missing out on, and he pops out of the hallway closet on the ground floor, leaps up steps three at a time, and almost breaks his neck trying to follow me.80

Nerve and Hidden Violence are angered when I shut the door on them. I fumble with the clothes in my dresser drawer and pull out a pair of jeans and a t-shirt that looks okay to wear to work. I get dressed in a hurry and sprint out of the bedroom, almost knocking both dogs over, and into the restroom. Hidden Violence scampers after me and runs right into the door. He growls at the stupid door, turns away proudly and marches off.81

Nerve sits loyally in front of the door as I put my hair into the spike again. I reach into the medicine cabinet and pull out three black, thick, spiked bracelets and line them up on my arm. I grab the gel hurriedly and run it through the back of my hair.82

The back of my head is the short hair, and the front is just extremely long bangs. My nic name is Unicorn… from friends, family, and customers at a privately owned punk hang out, called Rock Is Dead that I work at. 83

I can hear Nerve getting impatient because his claws are clicking on the hardwood floor outside of the door. He puts his nose on the door and lets out a deep throaty cough to let me know he’s still waiting, and he wants me out soon.84

“I’m hurrying as fast as I can,” I call out.85

I reach into a clean dish I have on the sink and pull out several of my facial piercings from the dish. I quickly put in my nose ring and labret piercing. I quickly put a stud in my cartilage piercing as I unlock the bathroom door before their nails scrape the paint off.86

I rush out and run down the stairs like a mad man. Nerve leaps down the staircase right behind me and follows me to the kitchen.87

I grab a bowl and begin to make cereal and toast. I quickly gulp everything down and grab a soda from the fridge.88

As I put Nerve and Hidden Violence’s leashes on them, I try to get my combat boots on. Mornings are not my favorite time of day. When I’ve finished the task of getting my shoes on I lead Nerve and HV outside and put them in their kennels.89

“Be back later.” I yell to them as I rush to the car.90

I run two red lights and almost cause a car crash as I try to get to work on time.91

When I finally get to work I run in and collide with a rack of clothes. I fall on the floor and poke myself with one of my spiked bracelets.92

“Ouch!” I yell, scaring my co-worker, Liz, half to death.93

She screams and turns around. Her hands are out like she is secretly holding a gun, which she’s not, and she puts her arms down slowly and says, “Oh, its just you.”94

“Hello to you to.” I say brushing myself off as I stand up.95

“You’re late.” She says staring at me. She puts her hands on her hips and sighs.96

“Maybe you’re just early. Or perhaps, think about this, maybe all of the clocks in the store are fifteen minutes ahead.”97

“If they are behind, which they certainly are not, then you’d still be late… by ten minutes.”98

I roll my eyes and begin to pick the rack of t-shirts up. Liz folds her arms and walks away.99

As the day nears to an end, and after a lot of customers, I begin to get ready to go home. Liz is hanging around me like a bad smell, and I try to rush out of there. She grabs me by the arm and I turn around.100

“Would you like to go dancing some time?” She shyly asks.101

“No thanks, Liz.”102

She looks hurt and startled. “Why not?”103

“I’m…” I think about telling the truth but turn against it. “I’m seeing someone already, Liz.”104

“It would only be us going as friends.”105

I have to think up a name fast. “Leah wouldn’t like that.”106

“Leah?”107

“Yea. My girlfriend. She gets jealous easily.”108

She eyes me carefully, up and down. I’m beginning to get nervous and my right leg is anxiously moving up and down. “Okay.” She finally says and she walks dejectedly into the back room.109

I go to my car and climb in feeling slightly guilty.110

As I get out of my car when I reach home I hear fast foot steps approaching me. It is pretty dark and I am getting afraid now.111

A hand touches my shoulder and I yelp, slip on the moist grass and fall on my back.112

“Good grief,” One of my friends, Jeff says. “Don’t piss your pants.”113

I get up and walk towards the backyard. I do not have time for Jeff, whatever he needs.114

“Dude, slow down.”115

“Don’t ‘dude’ me.” I mumble as I unlock the kennel and Nerve jumps on me. Hidden Violence huddles in the corner, cold and trembling.116

I stoop over and pick up HV. He wiggles in my arms but his ears lay flat at the sight of Jeff’s frowning face.117

Nerve growls at Jeff. He never really liked him much.118

“Calm down.” I tell Nerve. He obeys. As I walk through the front door, Jeff manages to shimmy in behind me. “Gah! What do you want!?” I growl at him.119

“I need your advice…” He trails off.120

“About… what exactly.” I ask nervously.121

“Angela.”122

“Oh no,” I say. I think I just suffered a minor heart attack because my heart is beating very quickly and painfully with each thump-thump it makes. Blood rushes to my brain and my stomach suddenly feels empty even though I have just eaten.123

“Aw c’mon man! Please?” He begs.124

“No,” I sigh. “You’re ruining my day, Jeff. Would you please just fuck off?” I glare at him.125

“Whatever…” He growls. “Go fuck yourself, loser.”126

He slams the door behind him and I plop down on the sofa, exhausted.127

I about doze off when the door bursts open and I jump off the couch fearfully. My friend Rex looks upset.128

“Jesus, man! I could have been watching porn or something. You don’t just open someone’s door. They’ll think you’re a burglar. Do you do this to Jen? Do you go interrupt her and her boyfriend’s sex?”129

He stares at me blankly. He opens his mouth like he wants to say something but is at a loss for words. He dumbly shakes his head no.130

“What’s the matter?” I ask.131

“You know Liz?”132

“Hell, I work with her. Yes. Why?”133

“She came to my place and demanded to know who Leah was. When I said I didn’t know she slapped me,” He rolls his eyes, “and told me to just ask you. So who is Leah?”134

I swallow something nasty in my throat and look around the room as if I’m going to find a solution. Rex knows my every move. He knows there is no Leah. He knows there’s a secret here in my house. A secret lives between these walls.135

He waits for my answer and when I don’t say he begins to tap his fingers. “Who the hell is Leah?”136

I think about telling him. He is one of my closest friends and I think he might just understand and not be upset… “Leah isn’t really… anybody… important.”137

“Who is she?”138

Suddenly words fly out of my mouth. “Leah is the person I made up when Liz asked me to go to on a date with her even though she said it’d just be us going as friends and I told her my-um-girlfriend Leah, who’s not really a person, would not like if I went on a date with a girl that was not her. But really that’s nonsense because she’s a lie and a lie cannot care one way or the other who you date, really. The reason I told her that Leah would not like it is because of a very big secret I’ve never told anyone but my dogs and we’ve made a sort of agreement that they wont say I’m… something… if I don’t tell anyone about Hidden Violence’s little problem,” I pause.139

“How do you say that without breathing?”140

“Rex, the point is I don’t want to date a girl…”141

“Well, that’s fine if you’re not ready to date. Whatever… but why didn’t you just say that you didn’t want to go?”142

I hit my head with my palm. “I DID just tell her I didn’t want to go, but she pushed the subject! You’re completely missing the point.”143

“What point?”144

“The point is that I’m fucking gay!” I yell in his face. He looks shocked. How could he have missed my point? Good grief.145

“What?” 146

Yes, Rex. I’m gay. Did you not just hear what I screamed in your face, surely loud enough for the neighbors to hear and begin to wonder?147

“Are you serious?” He says.148

“Of course.” I nod.149

He just gets up and says, “Oh, Cameron!”150

“What?” I mumble while looking at my fingers.151

“You’re gay!”152

“Of course.” Rex, do you realize how stupid what you just said sounded? Yes, Rex, I am. I told you this before but you missed the point. I screamed it in your face and you questioned it. I wish you would go home to your stupid little house and cuddle up with your stupid little girlfriend, cat, dog, or sister for Gods sake. Just leave me alone.153

Now he begins to realize I am giving you the best evil eye I have ever given anybody in this history of whatever. I am reaching to my eyebrow and I remove the piercing.154

He pats me on the shoulder and tells me he must be off. Rex also swears he will not tell anyone. Should I be happy for this?155

Once I am sure Rex is gone I walk up the stairs and enter the bathroom.156

I get undressed and turn the shower on. The cool water falls down on my face harshly and I lean my head back.157

The cold water rushes over my skin and I feel relaxed for the first time in months.158

When I step out of the shower I quickly get dried off and dressed. I do everything quickly. Maybe if I do everything quickly, I’ll live my life faster, and end it sooner.159

--- Fight or Flight ---160

It is a weekend. My only problem is that I do not know how to spend it. If my friends went to the bar, I apparently was not invited. Maybe Rex had told them after all.161

I am eating breakfast at the café down the street from my house. It is not really breakfast, but instead an early lunch because it is 10:58 am according to my watch.162

As I sit in the direct sunlight. I can see a rather handsome guy who looks like he eats nails for breakfast sitting at the other end of the café. He reminds me of one of those people who go looking for trouble. When he sees me looking at him my instinct tells me to leave. Leave now. But I ignore it because I’m hungry. It turns out that my gut feeling was correct.163

All of a sudden the man walks over to me and I shift my sight back to the menu placed in front of me, as if it is the most fascinating thing I’ve read in my entire life.164

“What have you been looking at?” The guy, who is rather tall and looks meaner then before up-close- I must add, growls.165

“Why, I’ve been looking at this menu, looking for a bit of food. Do you happen to know something good? I’m having trouble deciding and now that you are here asking me about what I am looking at, I might as well take the time and ask.”166

“Don’t get smart with me.” He growls. He raises his fist threateningly in my face.167

With every ounce of courage I can muster, I stand up and frown. He is very tall. He stands about a foot taller then me. I gulp.168

We are standing chest to chest. “What are you thinking, punk?”169

Instead of feeling afraid now, a wave of calmness has flooded over me. His choice of words has triggered a happy emotion for me. “I’m thinking you’re standing this close to me because you want to dance, and who can say I blame you?” I slip past him but he catches me by the back of my shirt.170

“You’re gonna burn and rot in Hell, you little no good-.” but before he can add the word I do not need to hear I cut him off with a remark of my own.171

“I do not wish to burn in Hell, thank you very much. Now, if you do not mind, I will be going and grabbing a beer.”172

By now, half of the café is staring at us. This is the sort of thing you hear about happening. The bashings, and what not… but you rarely ever get a chance to see for yourself a macho-homophobic men be outsmarted.173

For a moment I am sure the man has lifted me about a foot off the ground by the scruff of my neck but I manage to kick him hard and he drops me immediately. Combat boots are magical.174

He kneels over in pain and while he’s down, I run for my life out of the café. 175

As I run towards my house as fast as I can, I trip and fall flat on my face. I scrape up my knees and palms but I still get up and keep running. My heart is pounding in my head and my sides hurt so much that I’m starting to cry. I’m about five blocks from my house but I can’t keep running. The pain is too much. I kneel down on the sidewalk and hold my head in my hands.176

I look up through tears and see my friends rushing out of their car.177

My friend Jen is the first to speak up. “What’s wrong, Cam?” She sits on the ground next to me and I can feel her pat my back reassuringly.178

I can’t find my voice so I just lean forward and try to hold back tears.179

Jeff walks over and pushes me into a sitting position by the shoulders, gently. I wipe away some tears that have somehow slipped out and look down. Why are all of my friends all being so supportive all of a sudden?180

Jen is on her knees in front of me. “I think you probably have something to tell us?”181

When did they become psychic?182

She’s looking me straight in the eye and waiting. I try to mentally tell her I’m not ready to say but she presses on.183

“I don’t have anything to say,” I mumble.184

Jeff, Rex, and Jen all give me a certain look that says, “Yes, you do have something to say so say it before we walk away and leave you alone and cold in the middle of this miserable street wishing you had said something to keep us here.”185

Jeff is eyeing me like I’m road kill, and Rex and Jen both have questioning looks in their eyes now.186

I painfully stand up and brush myself off. I continue to walk down the street but then Jeff pushes himself in front of me. “Tell us what’s wrong. We know something’s up.”187

I’m getting fed up now and I bare my teeth. “Nothing’s wrong with me, thank you very much. I am just fine.” I emphasize each word angrily. “Maybe something’s wrong with you. You’ve always been great at figuring out other peoples personal business. Do it now, if you want to know so badly. Fuck my life up a little more. Do it, Jeff. FUCK ME UP.” Somehow I manage to work up the courage to push Jeff away by the shoulders188

This takes Jeff by surprise and he staggers backwards. For a moment he looks shocked but then his expression turns to pure hate. He steps forward and pushes me hard against a wall. I slam against it and then slide down the wall. I just sit there trying to hold in tears. A little whimper escapes my lips.189

Jeff steps towards me and twists my arm around while he pulls me into a standing position. I whimper and try to kick him. He won’t stop. I finally manage to slip from his grasp and I curl up into a ball at the bottom of the wall. This doesn’t seem to stop Jeff and he kicks me hard in the stomach several times.190

Jen is screaming at Jeff to leave me alone and Rex is walking towards me. I don’t know whether I should be afraid or happy, yet.191

Rex pushes Jeff back and takes my hand and pulls me up. It hurts and I grasp my upper arm and groan.192

Jen is trying to hold Jeff back. He looks about ready to rip her head off. I think I might have seen a flame shoot out of his mouth.193

“Calm the hell down, Jeff.” Rex yells. When Jeff flips me off he raises his arms high and screams at the top of his lungs, “ENOUGH! EVERYONE SHUT UP AND LEAVE CAM ALONE!!”194

Silence.195

We stand there… in silence. Several people in the street stop and stare at us.196

Jen loosens her hold on him and steps away cautiously. Rex leads Jeff into an alley to try to calm him down, and I just lean against the wall in pain.197

When Rex and Jeff come back Jeff walks up to me with a smirk on his face. He gets very close to my face. I can feel his body heat and hear him breathing. His eyes focus on mine and I swear he growls.198

“Sorry.” He says dangerously. I know he doesn’t mean it.199

“What else do you know, Jeff?” I find myself thinking.200

His smile turns even more evil as he walks away. I look at Rex questioningly but he doesn’t see me. He’s busy talking to someone nearby.201

Jen walks up to me and holds me by my waist. “Lets get you home and cleaned up, love.”202

I shrug tiredly and we get into the car.203

When we get to her house she says, “Lay down. Make yourself at home.”204

I lie down on the sofa and close my eyes. I’m exhausted. I grip my stomach and groan.205

“Give me a holler if you need me, hon.” Jen smiles at me. She walks upstairs and I fall asleep.206

--- The Second Nightmare ---207

Here I am again. I’m kneeling on the hard, cold pavement in this tiny unforgiving room. My hands are tied behind me tightly and my ankles are roped together as well. It’s dark and I can’t see very far. It is a bit lighter then last time… but not by much. I can just make out the sound of footsteps approaching me and I tighten up. My stomach runs in circles. I try to make it calm down but it pays very little, if any, attention to me and continues to run laps. I hear the sound of knuckles cracking and loud boots thudding on concrete. The sound of a belt pierces the air and comes down to my bare skin. Crack! It comes down even harder than last time. The blood flows down my spine. Again, the sound of the belt falls through the air. Several times it hits my skin and each time stings more then the last.208

This dream is déjà vu. Only... wait… the man behind the belt steps in front of me this time. It’s who I expected… it’s my step-dad. His eyes seem to glow with anger.209

He takes me by my neck and lifts me up. I’m eye to eye with him and he snarls the words out, “You killed my wife.” I whimper and try to squirm out of his grip. “You killed her, you little no good son of a bitch.”210

I try to scream but nothing escapes my mouth.211

He suddenly drops me and I fall past the concrete. I fall into a white room and into a bed. I look around expecting to see my mom. No… I see my friends. This can’t be real.212

Jeff is here and so is Rex… no this can’t be real. Jen is here along with a few other people I know. Liz is here too. No… I must be imagining things.213

Jeff is standing at the head of the bed. He whispers something but I can’t make it out. I can’t hear much.214

“What are you guys saying? Speak up.” I find myself yelling.215

They try to talk louder but it’s all still inaudible.216

Rex shakes me by the shoulders. He looks sad. Liz is weeping and Jen is trying to reassure her. They’re trying to warn me, it seems, because Rex is pointing behind me frantically.217

A burst of sudden pain shoots up my spine and I arch my back in agony. It feels like the belt is landing on my skin again. It hurts much worse then it ever has before. I reach out to Jeff but he backs away in an act of betrayal.218

Suddenly I can hear what I’m screaming. I can hear Jen rushing down the stairs. She’s leaping down each set of stairs as fast as she can and she jumps off the last four in a hurry and rushes next to me.219

I’m thrashing around and screaming, “Don’t hit me! Please… save me! He’s going to do it again!” Tears sting my eyes.220

Jen is crying from fright and holds me close. “Calm down, love. I won’t let him hurt you. Everything will be all right, hon. Shhh. Cameron… it’s okay.” She tries to hush me.221

My screams cease and I gasp for air. I choke on my tears. I put my arm around Jen’s shoulders and hold her to me. “Don’t leave me,” I think. I’m gasping for each breath.222

After a few minutes she asks, “What were you having a nightmare about, hon?”223

I look away. “It was nothing.”224

“Honestly Cam. That’s the saddest excuse I’ve ever heard. You were screaming for me to save you from him hitting you. Now, who is him?”225

I put my face in my hands and mumble out my answer.226

Jen is eyeing me. She grabs my hands, pulls them from my face, and tells me to say it again.227

“My step-dad,” I whisper.228

“Your step-father?”229

“Yea. He… he hit me a few times I guess. Nothing to… to worry about.”230

“You guess? How much did he hit you? What did he hit you with? When did this start to happen? And why the Hell haven’t you told us?”231

I gulp. “This is happening to fast… no… I can’t tell you,” I think. I don’t say it because I know Jen will just pry the answers out of me anyway. She has her ways.232

“Tell me.” She urges sweetly.233

“He hit me when I didn’t do what he wanted me too… with his belt. And I didn’t tell you guys because you wouldn’t understand.”234

“A belt?” She says in shock. “Are you serious?”235

I nod. I turn away from her and lift my shirt up to reveal the scars of previous belt marks. She gently touches them as if afraid they still are hurting. In a way they do hurt still.236

“Oh my… God.” She gasps. “That’s terrible. You need to tell someone who can lock this guy up.”237

“Jen, get real. This was years ago. It doesn’t matter anymore.”238

“I’m about as real as you’ll find, hon. Don’t play ‘tough guy’ on me now. Not after I’ve seen you crying ‘cause babe, it ain’t working for ya.”239

I look up at the ceiling and sigh.240

“Don’t sigh at me.” She says sweetly.241

I lie back down on my stomach and try to ignore her. She’s talking about police and how they will help.242

“Jen just shut up.” I say into a pillow.243

“I know you’re not ready to tell anyone about your step-dad but c’mon, hon… honestly. If you don’t tell who knows what he’ll do?”244

“He’ll stay away from me… trust me.”245

“How can you be certain?”246

“Because I just can be.” I snap.247

We go to the kitchen in cold silence and I sit down at the table. I mess around with a spoon for a short time until Jen walks up behind me and grabs it.248

Jen sits next to me and she places her hand on top of mine. She puts her head on my shoulder. I’m surprised at this. I don’t know if I should push her away and tell her or let her think I like her. Or maybe neither… maybe I should just push her away from me and leave it at that.249

Instead, she feels me move uneasily beneath her and she stands up to fix lunch.250

We eat in silence but the mood begins to lighten. Jen is laughing over how many girl’s Rex’s been with in the past month. Even though I find it rather idiotic, I laugh along to seem with it.251

She grins, showing all of her white, straight teeth and she swings her shiny brown hair over her shoulder gracefully… flirtatiously.252

I manage a smirk-ish smile at every joke about Rex that Jen makes.253

But then, Jen begins to half tease; half ask if I have a girlfriend. I weakly shrug my shoulders and look down shaking my head in a “no.” Any trace of a smile has left my face.254

Jen stops grinning. “Would you like a girlfriend?”255

Silence…256

Cold. Harsh. Silence.257

“Not really.” I murmur and take a rather large bite of my ham and cheese sandwich. “Being single is… nice I suppose.” I say after I swallow.258

“Being single is nice?” Jen asks. “How so?”259

“I don’t know. No one is there to bother me to do… stuff, and there’s a lot of freedom.”260

“Stuff? You’re acting quite sketchy, Cameron.” She puts her warm, soft hand on mine and pulls it close to her. “Is something out of the norm?” She coos.261

I jerk my hands from her and look down, shutting my eyes. I swear I couldn’t help it. I swear I couldn’t. A tear slips down my cheek and drips under my tongue.262

“What’s the matter?” Jen is getting concerned.263

I think very hard about telling her. I go over it again and again in my mind playing and replaying each part of what could happen if I told her. 264

She could be disgusted, slap me and say I was going to Hell, and then tell me to leave and never talk to her again. But this was unlikely to happen, for Jen wasn’t like that.265

She could be shocked, begin to cry and say she didn’t like the idea but she’d be by my side all the way. This was more likely to happen but not by much.266

She could also say it was all right and that she rather liked the idea. I’m not sure how likely this choice is but it reassure me that there’s at least some chance of this happening.267

Of course this wasn’t all that could happen but all that I could think of.268

“What’s wrong, Cam?” She says a bit more sternly.269

I wait a few seconds and then softly say, “I don’t want a girlfriend. I want a…”270

“A what?” I’m sure she knows. She’s just trying me. Testing if I’ll trust her. Can I trust her?271

“-boyfriend.”272

“Oh, so you’re gay?” She says with a hint of a smile. Not a grin. Not an evil smile. Just a nice, pleased smile. A smile you can trust.273

I shrug. “I guess.”274

“Hon, that’s not bad at all. Y’ feel what y’ feel. You can’t help what you feel inside,” She pats my shoulder and this time grins, showing all of her lovely straight teeth. I manage a smile when Jen leans over and kisses the top of my head. “Aw hon. No worries.”275

“I have to go.” I say, but Jen grabs my arm.276

“No, wait.” She gasps. “How about I set you and another friend, Michael, up?”277

I raise my eyebrows in surprise and utter, “Blind date? You’re weird.” A grin spreads across my face and Jen’s as well.278

She nods frantically and adds, “I’m sure he’d be thrilled by the idea.”279

This is moving way too quickly but I’m entirely too excited. I find myself smiling from ear to ear and nodding. I realize how stupid I must look and try to compose myself. With a straight face I nod stiffly. “That sounds like a good idea, Jen.”280

She laughs and shakes her head. “And you say I am the weird one.”281

--- Michael ---282

The set time of the date is two days away. Two days means 48 long hours to wait. Most likely two nightmares with sweating and shaking from fear, and two early mornings spent eating chocolate coco-puffs and watching T.V until 7:00 a.m. because I can’t sleep. Then, three hours most likely spent preparing for our meeting and an hour of pacing while he comes by to pick me up for lunch around 11:00 a.m.283

God… I’ve got all this figured out. This shows how much of a life I have.284

My stomach is in knots. Horrible twisty knots that won’t untangle. I try to settle down but now I only have thirty minutes to wait. I pace the floor. “Oh God,” I think to myself. What if this is a disaster. What if this falls to pieces. It will be all my fault. “I need this. I need this,” I mumble to myself. Groaning I pace the hallway and then decide to go get ready.285

I’ve spent forever and a day getting ready for the date. My hair is in its usual golden spike and my facial piercings are on, but a bit limited so I didn’t look like a total freak.286

I’ve washed the silver out of my hair and replaced it with green. My fingernails are painted shiny black and they’re trimmed neatly. 287

I decide on a black fitted t-shirt with my favorite bands logo sprayed across the back and baggy blue jeans with the chain connecting my wallet to the inside of a back-pocket.288

Michael is just as wild as I am. If not wilder looking.289

Suddenly I hear the doorbell chime and my stomach furls and unfurls inside of me. My heart skips beats as it hits my throat. Each breath I take is labored and I try to concentrate.290

I walk to the door. Slowly open it. A grin makes its way onto my face as I greet Michael. He takes me by surprise and pulls me into an embrace. “Hey,” He slurs. “Ready to go?”291

“Am I ready? Hell, I’ve been ready for nearly two hours.” We laugh.292

“I’ve been very excited to meet you, Cam. Jen tells me you’re an extraordinary person.”293

Michael smiles. I swear I’m turning three shades of red.294

“It’s all right. No worries,”295

We head out the door and he holds the passenger side door of his truck open for me. I hop in and buckle up. Michael gets in on the other side.296

We drive for about thirty minutes to first go to lunch. When we get to the restaurant we get a lot of odd looks. Me with my wild piercings and golden hair, and Michael with all of his tattoos and blue hair with pink shock. That and his shirt that reads: Boy Tested. Mother Approved.297

Plus… I guess I should mention we’re holding hands, am I right?298

That’s an eye popper for homophobics, right there, that is.299

We sit down in a booth across from each other and to my surprise we are still holding hands under the table. We’re right in the middle of talking about music when the young waitress comes up to us with a disgusted look on her small, pale face, and pretty much drops the menus on the table. Michael takes his free hand, grabs a menu, and says, “You wouldn’t mind if I decided for you? I mean, if you don’t want it, just tell me.”300

I smile and say I honestly don’t mind.301

We talk nonchalant while he skims through the menu. He points at something and we decide to get it.302

When the waitress comes back moments later she wrinkles her nose at us and snottily asks what we want. Michael tells her what we’ve decided on. Then to my surprise he boldly says, “One root beer float for the both of us.” I’m sure he just said it to piss her off.303

She turns around stiffly and walks off murmuring about customers these days. Michael and I resume talking about music.304

When our food arrives the waitress quickly sets it down and leaves as soon as possible. Michael takes a sip of the root beer float and then offers me some. “Want a sip, Cameron?”305

I lean forward and suck on the straw a bit. It tastes wonderful. Heaven in a glass. I impolitely poke my finger into the ice cream and pop it into my mouth.306

People are staring at us. Some people are whispering and some are speaking loudly. One parent even comes up to us and says, “I have children you know. Acting as you are is a bad example for them. Please. Stop.”307

Michael cranes his neck to look at her children. Two little boys. “I’m guessing you would kick them out if they turned out like us, correct? You’d make them find their own way to live. Or maybe a group home. I hear those are nice.”308

“Of course. Homosexuality is a sin. And you are going to Hell,” She accuses.309

“I suppose half of me is going to Hell then,” Michael laughs. “Because I only roll that way half the time. So which half of me is going to hell, Ma’am? The part that thinks these sinful thoughts, or the part that acts on them?”310

She marches off and grabs her two boys, dragging them out of the restaurant.311

“What’s her problem?” I ask to myself pretty much.312

“Homophobic pricks just preaching to make themselves feel sinless,” He growls under his breath. “But no one is sinless.” He says a loud enough for people three booths down to hear him, while looking into my eyes.313

After our meal we head to the nature trail to walk off lunch. We head into the forest on the paved path and slowly, hand in hand, make our way to the end of it. It’s getting darker outside.314

We’re walking in silence enjoying the peaceful chirping of the birds and crickets.315

The day after our date Jen kept probing for answers on how we liked each other. “Michael tells me you guys shared a drink?” She asks excitedly.316

I nod in amusement.317

“So, do you… like him?”318

I murmur a quick yes. I’ve never liked someone so much. Each time I think about him my heart races and I get nervous.319

“Good,” She says in satisfaction. 320

I laugh and sip my coffee. I watch the cream swirl around in the cup. With my free hand I’m writing to Michael. In my letter I ask him if we could see each other again, and a week later when I get a reply, he agrees enthusiastically.321

It’s on.322

--- We Meet Again ---323

I arrive at Michael’s house this time to pick him up. When I open the door I inspect him up and down. 324

I look downright normal compared to him, today at least. He is wearing tight, black jeans with red flames shooting up from the bottom of his jean legs and some flames reach up to touch his white spiked belt. He has black boots on as well with red and orange flames flying towards his heals. He is also wearing a red t-shirt that has a logo for a local band called, “Queen’s Castle.”325

His shoulder length hair is freshly dyed red with an orange shock above his right eye. His go-tee is dyed deep red as well.326

He has got all of his facial piercings in including his labret, nose ring, eyebrow ring and ear rings. You can see several of his upper arm tattoos peering under the sleeve of his shirt as well as a few on his neck.327

He takes me by the shoulders and leads me down the sidewalk towards Cherry St. I slow down to examine a can of beer half full laying, orphaned, in the grass. I don’t know why. Sometimes I just think the simplest things are so beautiful. Michael takes this opportunity to pick me up by the waist and put me over his shoulder. He holds me there by the back of the legs and continues walking. I playfully kick and squirm in his grip and then ‘give up.’ I wrap my arms around his waist and laugh.328

He gently sets me down at the entrance of the bar as he shows the bouncer his and my I.D. They let us in and we make our way towards the bartender.329

Michael steps up to the guy and asks for a beer, and I ask for something a bit harder. When we get our drinks we decide to watch a game of pool going on nearby. Michael pulls out a stool for me next to the pool table and I sit down. He just stands next to me with his hand around my waist. We watch in awe of the pool players until the game finishes. Then, the man that won comes up to us and points to me.330

“Want a turn?” He yells above the drunken noise surrounding us. It’s dim in here and I can barely make out what he looks like.331

I shrug and say, “No thanks. I’m not that good.”332

“Modest, ay? How about you?” He asks Michael.333

Michael grins and shakes his head. “Naw thanks mate. I’d be good for a game but I’m too tired to concentrate on it. I’ll pass.”334

The man looks around for a challenger. He sees no one. His brow furrows and he turns back to us. “Y’ guys sure y’ not up for a friendly game?”335

“I’m sure, ya. How about you, love?” He says turning towards me.336

I look at the guy to see if he was offended or disturbed by Michael calling me love but he shows no sign of disgust. “Ah, fine. Why the hell not?”337

The man smiles and hands me a pool stick.338

I win, but I refuse another game and Michael and I head for the dance floor.339

After awhile we leave the bar with a few more drinks in us. I’m tipsier then Michael and I’m wobbling uneasily, trying to balance by leaning on his shoulder.340

Michael laughs and asks me, “How many drinks did you have, Cam?”341

I slur, “Four o’ five.”342

Michael suppresses his laughter. “All right then.”343

I get distracted by a strange looking girl that walks by me and I turn around to look at her. As I turn around I trip and fall backwards, tripping over the curb of the street, head over heels into a ditch. Michael tries to grab me and stop my fall but he misses by a few inches and I tumble.344

I grip my stomach once I’ve stopped rolling down the ditch hill thing and groan. I’ve twisted my ankle a bit, but nothing to horrible.345

It doesn’t take Michael a lot to drag me up off of the ground. I limp next to him and we make our way home. When we get through the front door I sit down on the sofa.346

“You took quite a fall there,” He intones.347

I fall into a light sleep shortly; a sleep where you can still feel what’s going on around. I feel him place a warm blanket over me and tuck me in. I feel him sitting at the end of the couch and I just know that my angel is watching over me.348

When I wake up Michael’s arm is on around my shoulders and my head rests on his chest.349

“Hey, Cam,” Michael finally says, breaking the calming silence.350

For no reason at all I feel a few tears slip down my face.351

“What’s wrong?” He coos, pulling me closer by the shoulders.352

“Nothing…” I find it hard to explain how I feel but I pick up on a roll. “In all my life I’ve never really felt… wanted, ya know? I’ve always felt like the outcast who did something wrong. The person nobody liked. The guy that others felt was… unclean or unworthy of happiness or something,” I continue. “When I began to understand how people thought about me I decided to change my physical image to look like someone no body can hurt. What I realized tonight was that you’re the only person that sees beyond that and realizes how completely fragile I really am. I mean, Jen knows I’m ‘sensitive’ and ‘hurt’ but she doesn’t try to help me past it. Soothing the pain temporarily doesn’t solve it. Just you being in my company heals me a lot… and I mean it,” At this point my voice begins to crack.353

They stream down my face and Michael reaches out to brush them away. I continue talking. “When you were a young, you told your parents your preferences, right?” I ask him.354

“Yes, I did.”355

“And how did they react?”356

He hesitates. “They were a little-”357

“A little afraid? A little mad?” I try to say as kindly as I can with my temper rising higher and higher each second I hold back what is in me.358

“Yes…” He says calmly. “A little afraid and a bit mad. But mostly they were okay with it as time passed by. It just took them some time to accept that that’s who I am and that’s who I always will be. It’s my mom that has the biggest problem with it now-a-days.”359

“I never told anybody because if my step-dad had found out ever, I wouldn’t, literally, be speaking to you right this very moment.”360

“Fate has its ways.”361

I nod while thinking it over carefully. The words tumble around in my head. “Fate.” I whisper. I bury my face in my hands and shudder.362

Michael cocks his head to the left. “Am I missing something?”363

“Fate fucked me over. I was destined to be a piece of shit; a lowlife scum. It made my step-dad beat me. Fate’s done NOTHING but screw me over since day one.” I wish I could say more but the fear keeps me at bay.364

Michael looks hurt and confused at the same time. “Your mom’s dead?” He says shivering.365

The room is not cold, Michael. Why are you shivering? The heat is on. There is no reason to shudder from the cold because there is no cold. The only cold in this room is in my heart and the depths of my soul. If I have a soul anymore. Maybe it was taken away by every whip mark and harsh comment.366

Maybe my spirit was stolen when my mom was taken away. She was my soul. She was my survival. She was my air. The very air I breathe and the soil I walk on. After she died she became every drop of blood in me. I knew she was around me but she was still weak from the therapy, even in her after life, to help me any. Perhaps she helped me once or twice when she felt strong and healthy enough but it wasn’t enough. Maybe that makes me guilty but at least it’s the truth.367

Yeah, Michael, to answer your question, my spirit is dead. She was killed when I was only seven years old. Seven is too young to lose your soul.368

That’s fourteen years without breathing, so far. In fact, if my family life hadn’t been shaken up by the cancer consuming the existence of my mother, I wouldn’t have 99% of the scars that have accumulated over the past fourteen years.369

My step-dad blames me for the death of my mom as if I am unclean and cancer sickness is seeping from my pours. Let me tell you one thing, “daddy”. Cancer isn’t contagious. And even if it were, I would not have been the one to give it to her because the only sickness that was ever in me was the sick feeling I got when you surrounded me; that, or my sick and twisted mind.370

“Yea,” I finally say. “She’s gone. She left me nothing but a note hidden in the middle of the book she read to me everyday, saying she loved me and that she had a few dreams about me having a good life. What a bunch of bullshit those dreams were, I tell you. But I was seven. I believed it.”371

“You never know. You may have had a crappy childhood but that doesn’t mean it has to taint your future. If you get help and move on from your past then you will have a good life. Cameron… please, you need to get help.”372

I sit at the edge of the bed and stare at the ground. “I know. I need help but it’s so hard to admit that. And the only two people in my life I feel I can vent with are you and Jen. I’d just feel awkward and… little- talking to someone I barely even know about my messed up childhood.”373

“I know, but it will help.”374

“It will not.” I think to myself.375

--- Razor, Meet Skin - Skin, Razor ---376

I sit in the bathroom of my house drowning in sorrow, blood, sweat, and tears. I am gripping a razor in my right hand and covering my face with the left, thinking over what I’ve just done. I hear a ‘click click click’ of Nerve and HV’s claws tapping harshly on the door.377

I have a migraine.378

“Shut up!” I yell at the dogs. “Don’t you know I’m hurting?” I had always had a feeling that dogs in general had a special gift in which they could sense any given persons mixed emotions, not just the basics. I knew my dogs possessed these powers.379

I reach over and switch off the light so that I’m left in complete, dank, darkness.380

I hear a growl. Nerve isn’t standing this. He pokes the doorknob with his nose and then he jumps up on the door, trying to open it.381

I don’t bother to try to stop him. I just keep sitting there and wade in my self pity.382

He finally gets the handle to turn and he rushes in the door, and hurries to my side. As if he knows, he bites the razor out of my hand and drops it several feet away from me.383

He understands.384

It’s been ages since I’ve been this depressed. I have usually managed to be able to cover my sadness but this is not one of those times.385

Nerve presses his wet nose against my hand until I get the hint and gently stroke his snout. It gives me slight reassurance, but not a lot. HV, less hyper as if he knows better then to jump all over me, curls up underneath the sink and makes a light whimpering sound. I’m hunched over and half heartedly petting the both of them. For once, there isn’t an argument between the two about who’s getting more love then the other.386

Relief barely touches me before it sinks down again when I think about Michael.387

Hidden Violence must know what’s on my mind because he jumps up and puts his two front paws on my shoulders and wobbles uneasily as he gives me a sort of brother-some embrace. I wrap my arms around him and gently squeeze him to my chest as I try to not choke myself with tears that are, again, blinding me.388

Nerve sits back on his haunches and stares at us. It looks as if he’s smiling.389

Suddenly I hear the doorbell ring. Nerve jumps up and leaps towards the door. When he sees that I’m not following him, he steps four steps back and jumps forward again. He puts his rear in the air and his head on the floor with his paws crossed neatly. Slowly he scoots backwards. It’s just too cute.390

It’s a regular Kodak moment.391

About five minutes of the doorbell ringing non-stop and Nerve doing the Puppy-scuttle, I hear footsteps and my name being called in the living room.392

“Cameron? Cameron!! Come down. We know you’re in here. You’re car is in the driveway, you left the door unlocked, and…”393

I shut myself in the towel closet so I can’t hear the rest of their speech. I hear claws clicking on the linoleum out of the room and a few minutes later Nerve has led them to me.394

Someone opens the closet door. It’s Rex.395

Jen and Liz are standing behind him, crowded in the small restroom. Liz moves awkwardly around a pile of boxes that never got unpacked to stand directly behind Rex. She puts her hand on his shoulder and tries to step around him.396

Rex moves in front of her and snarls. “I think I can handle this,” He tenderly grabs my bloody wrist and pulls it into the light to examine it. “What have you done?” He says calmly.397

When I don’t answer him, he yanks me forward harshly and I stumble into him. “WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?” He shouts into my face.398

Liz bursts into tears.399

I flinch, but I don’t fight back as I would with Jeff, because Rex would overthrow me under any circumstance. I am no fighter. I couldn’t overpower the man that benches weights three times a day, jogs six miles every morning, and may as well eat nails for breakfast.400

Besides, I feel like I deserve to be kicked down again and again for what I’ve done.401

I need to hear how much pain it brings to him. I crave it. I will savor every harsh remark he makes to me like a starving boy on the streets relishes every morsel of food he can get his hands on.402

Personally, I think the depression is nice. It’s the only thing I’ve got.403

I look down at the blood seeping onto Rex’s sleeve and don’t bother to talk, pull away or anything. I wait expectantly for him to yell his question to me again and when he doesn’t I’m disappointed. I suppose I’ll have to wait for another time.404

Rex forces me to look into his eyes by gripping my neck tightly and bringing me upwards slightly. They are filled with sorrow, hate, and fear all at once. He lets go of my arm and neck, and turns around.405

The room is silent except for the hyperventilating on Liz’s part. Jen pats her back to calm her down.406

Rex slams his fist hard onto the sink counter and it creaks under the pressure. “What were you thinking?” He says as he puts his hand out, palm up, showing me to blood from my wrist collecting in the middle of his hand.407

He turns his hand over and lets the drops of red liquid hit the floor. Each one seems loud as a bell in the room.408

Everyone is breathing quietly as if they would disturb something if they were to gasp or get more air to their lungs. Even HV pants as softly as possible.409

I’m on my knees in front of Rex. My head on the floor, as if I’m bowing, but what I’m really trying to do is choke myself. I have a firm lock on my throat and the blood is rushing to my head. I’m getting lightheaded. My heartbeat slows down and finally my breathing quits. Jen jumps up when she sees me fall sideways and she shakes me. Rex and Jen grab me by the shoulders and continue to shake me until I finally begin to breathe again, unwillingly.410

“I don’t want to be here anymore,” I sob. I clench my teeth and snarl, “I want out so bad. Each day hurts. I need… I need out.” The last bit comes out with a batch of tears and is pretty much inaudible.411

Liz finally stands up, shaking, and kneels down next to me. “I know you want out, hon. I know you do. But you can’t just give in. If you give in, it means you’re weak. If your enemies can be strong and stay in the game, so can you. You have to hold on. Giving up is not going to solve anything.”412

“I’m going to Hell. It doesn’t matter there.”413

“Good god, Cam. You’re not going to Hell. There isn’t such a place anyway.” Jen says. “Since when did you start listening to all those Bible-Thumping Jesus-Freaks?”414

I shrug.415

Rex leans over and drags me to my feet. “Up,” He orders. He runs my arm under the warm faucet water and gently cleans my cuts.416

If you had listened closely, out on the street in front of my house, you would have heard screams, sobs, and me trying to scramble away.417

It’s weird to think that if Rex, Liz, and Jen hadn’t come to visit me tonight, they’d have had a tear jerking discovery when they did decide to come over.418

This makes me wonder what they’d say at my funeral…419

Sad, isn’t it?420

--- Confrontation is a Four Letter Word ---421

I’m still depressed but I don’t show it around my friends. I sit in the kitchen, moping around. Nerve is sitting next to me begging for a bite of my breakfast. I give in and toss a piece of sausage and he licks it up in a hurry. HV has stayed clear of me ever since Rex and I had the ‘argument’. Every time he and I are in the same room his ears are flat and he slinks around nervously.422

I take them out to the kennel after breakfast and hop in my car. I turn the ignition and the car shakes to life.423

When I finally make it to work, I’m actually early. Liz looks at me startled and says, “Maybe I’d better rethink your ‘15 minutes ahead of time’ clock theory.” She glances at her watch and then at me.424

I’m not in the mood for humor. It’s obvious that I’m upset. “What do you want me to do?” I ask her. “Tag clothes, stock shelves, what?”425

“The store hasn’t even opened yet. I took care of most the tagging and stocking last night. Just sit down. I need to talk to you.”426

I rest my head in my hands and wait.427

“When you refused to go dancing with me the other day, I guess I got a little snoopy and asked Rex about Leah. It turns out there’s no Leah. So do you mind explaining it to me?”428

We sit in silence. A group of people are gathering outside of the store waiting for it to open up. “Yeah, that’s true. There is no Leah.”429

Surprisingly, Liz doesn’t look hurt. “It’s okay. But why exactly didn’t you want to go with me, Cameron?”430

I swallow hard. I’m pretty sure I can trust her, but I’m nervous to tell my not-so-secret secret.431

I mumble my answer under my breath. “Well, because I don’t want to date a girl. I’m gay.”432

She crosses and uncrosses her legs. “Really?”433

“Yes.”434

“Oh.” She says as if she doesn’t believe it. “…okay. Now, you’re sure, right?”435

“Of course I’m sure!” I snap back.436

“Okay. Now, if you ever need advice, or support, don’t hesitate to ask,” She smiles cautiously and I can tell she likes the idea that we can talk about guys together now. She stands up and walks towards the gate to let the customers in. “Oh, and if anybody tries to pick on you, tell me. Got it?”437

I nod. “Whatever…”438

I’m back in the dark room. I sense something is different this time. Something behind me moves closer. I take a sharp intake of breath. No, something’s not right. I think to myself.439

A warm hand takes me by the shoulder and turns me around. Suddenly the room spins with red and black colors as I fall backward onto the bed. The hands hold me down and grab for my neck; choking me. I can’t scream or breathe. I struggle underneath her but she keeps her grip tight. I’m getting lightheaded and I kick out. Maybe I don’t want to die! Mom! I don’t want to die! I find myself thinking. She hears my thoughts and she lets go. She looks dazed.440

Tears are streaking down her face. I wipe away a few with the back of my hand and lean towards her. I didn’t mean to hurt you. She cries. I was only granting your wish you made a few nights ago, hon.441

I know, Mom. It’s okay. You misunderstood. Anybody could have misunderstood my wish. I was just upset.”442

She nods.443

Suddenly, my step-dad walks in and starts to shake me. My mother curls into a little ball and hides in the corner.444

He takes me by the shoulders, lifts me up and shakes me like a rag doll. I kick and lash out at him but it doesn’t faze him.445

I hear a distant growl and something jumps on my step-dad, knocking him down on top of me. He fights to stand up and when he finally gets a good grip on the wall to pull himself up, the growl resumes. Whatever thing the growl belongs to, pounces on top of me and lies over my chest, trying to protect me from him. It’s suddenly to dark to see things, but I can feel its warm fur over me.446

He walks towards us and the air chills. The animal stands up leaving me cold and afraid. It walks over to him and lets out a menacing snarl. He reaches for the animal’s neck and pushes it down. It whimpers and tries to fight back.447

Get up, you fool! It yells at me.448

I stand up and run for the door. It’s locked. I see streaks of light peering out from the edges and I know it’ll be safe out there if only I could get out of this nightmare.449

I pull on the door but it stays shut. OPEN! I shout. In frustration, I crumple into a heap on the floor. Tears are streaming down my face. Please, open.450

The animal tackles him and he lays in a daze on the floor. Blood is running down his neck and arms. I don’t feel sorry for him.451

The animal sprints towards the door and while it’s running, calls out to me, “You’ll have to find your own way out,” and with that, jumps through the closed door, like it’s vapor.452

My hands run up and down the door searching for a way out. I finally give up and sit in a corner of the room, afraid. Mom sits next to me and runs her hand through my blood and sweat covered hair.453

My step-dad has disappeared.454

When I wake up, Nerve is whimpering in the corner. I reach out to him, trying to comfort him, but he just backs away. When he finally builds up the courage to go up to my hand, his ears lay flat on his head and his tail is between his legs.455

I understand why Nerve is on edge.456

“Its okay, Nerve,” I whisper.457

--- The Doctor’s In ---458

The phone rings crazily and I reach over to it, my hand frozen above it, debating whether I should pick it up or not. A feeling inside of me tells me not to, but Rex, who is sitting next to me, gives me a look to tell me if I don’t pick it up, he will.459

I pick it up and put it to my ear. “Hello?”460

Other end: Hello? Is this Cameron Carter?461

“Yes… who’s this?”462

Other End: This is Dr. Ray. I’ve got some bad news.463

My heart stops and I look at Rex hesitantly. “What bad news?”464

“It seems that a nurse found your phone number in Michael Porter’s pocket. You know who Michael Porter is, right?”465

“Yes… he’s my… uh, my friend.”466

“Okay, well Michael’s here at the hospital and we couldn’t get a hold of anyone else in his family, so we thought you’d be the next best person to contact. You see, Michael got beat up by some people quite severely a few hours back and was just brought in. I’m sorry.”467

“I’ll be there in an instant,” And with that, I hung up.468

I race towards my bedroom and grab my car keys. Rex follows me but halfway up the stairs I race down and he falls backwards onto the floor. “Cameron! Watch it!” He growls.469

“No time. Sorry.”470

I jump into the drivers’ seat of my car and turn it on. It shakes violently but doesn’t die. Rex yanks open the other door to get in. “Explain on the way,” He snaps.471

As I explain Rex’s expression turns from anger to sorrow. “I’m so sorry, Cammie.”472

Through silent tears I say, “I just want to know who did it to him.”473

When we arrive at the hospital I burst through the doors like a madman and race towards the front desk. Out of breath and out of my mind, I ask the secretary, “Where is Michael Porter being kept?”474

She jumps from my sudden appearance and puts her hand on her heart. “God bless, scared me half to death!” She gasps. “He’s in A-14 but you’ll need doctor’s permission to go back there right now. What’s your name?”475

“I’m Cameron Carter and this is…”476

“Alex Smith.” Rex finishes. He blushes because he never goes by Alex, his given name.477

“What is your relationship with Michael Porter?” She asks us.478

“We’re his friends,” Rex states. “And more so,” He says under his breath, directed at me, of course.479

“Well, hold on.” The thin secretary walks out a door into a small room that must be the lounge.480

When she returns, she says, “Dr. Ray says that in about five minutes it will be fine to go back and see Michael Porter. Just sit down and I’ll tell you when they’re done with him.”481

“Done with what?” I ask curiously.482

“Tests… and that sort of thing.”483

So Rex and I sit down and wait.484

I pace around the waiting room impatiently. Every few seconds I glance at my watch. “It’s been more than five minutes.” I growl.485

“I know.” Rex says looking contently at a magazine.486

“It’s been ten minutes!” I say tapping my watch. “Ten minutes of torture.”487

“You or Michael?” He mumbles.488

I stare at him impatiently. “You know exactly what I mean. Don’t get all cute. I just want to make sure he’s okay and I’m not stopping you from leaving right now.”489

“I want to see him too, but you’re making a big deal about five extra minutes. Maybe one of the tests is taking longer than expected.”490

I march up to the front desk and roughly put my hand on the counter. “What’s taking so long?” I demand.491

“I’m sorry, sir.” She says, grinding her teeth. “I forgot to tell you that Dr. Ray has just said it will take about fifteen more minutes to conduct the necessary tests.”492

Filled with fury, I slam my hand harder on the desk. “I want to see Michael, and I want to see him this VERY instant.”493

Everyone in the waiting room has turned to face us by now and some little children are sobbing from my outburst.494

Rex comes over to me and pulls me away by the shoulders. “It’s not worth it, man. Calm down.”495

I shrug him away and return to the desk. “I want to see him, whether or not they’re in the middle of doing tests or not because I have to get to work. I only want to see him for 5 minutes. Is that so much to ask?”496

“Sir, when do you have to go to work?”497

I glare at her. “In an hour but it takes 30 minutes to drive there.”498

“I’m sorry, sir. You’ll have to wait.” Her eyes are pleading with me to just cooperate.499

I back up slowly and kneel down with my face in my hands. “Please,” I beg. “Please just let me see him for a little bit.”500

Rex sighs and kneels down in front of me. He gives the secretary an apologetic look “Cam.” He whispers. My shoulders shake and he tries to hold me still. “Cameron… calm down. I’ll call Liz and tell her you’ll either be late, or not be able to make it today so everything will be fine and you can visit with Michael for awhile, all right?”501

It’s obvious I’m making a scene.502

The nurse walks around the desk and Rex stands to talk to her.503

“Would it be all right if I give him a room to calm down in?” She asks looking curiously at me.504

“Yes. That’d be great.”505

Dr. Ray leads us towards A-14; Michael’s room, and holds the door for us. Rex takes me by the arm and pushes me in. The sight of his bloody body, plus the tubes and monitors around him scare me and I stay a few feet away from the bed.506

“What… what happened?” I shudder.507

“We think he was mugged, just outside of town. He was found by one of his friends in a ditch near here.”508

“Which friend? Did he say his name?”509

“Jared… no… Jake?” The Doctor murmurs to himself.510

“Jeff!” I shout in astonishment.511

“Yes…” He says in amazement. “Do you know Jeff?”512

“The little bastard!” Rex yells. “I knew it! I knew it!”513

By now Dr. Ray is looking confused. “So… you do know Jeff?”514

“Do we know Jeff? Hell yes, we know him. We were friends with him until he tried to get Cam, here. He’s a little no good worthless shit. Damn! I should have known.”515

“I didn’t know he know Michael.”516

“Me neither. Call Jen!”517

“Later! I will later.”518

My jaw is slack and I can’t think straight. “If he ‘found’ Michael in a ditch, he must have left him there, and then came back later to make it look like a hero for finding him or something. I’ll have to fill in the blanks later.” I tell Rex and the doctor.519

“Come to think of it…” Dr. Ray says stroking his beard thoughtfully. “When Jeff came in he looked a bit battered too, but he probably overpowered Michael by at least 70 pounds so he wasn’t hurt enough to draw attention. Michael stood very little chance against him. He’s a big guy.”520

In the bed, Michael painfully turns his head to face us. “Hey…” He groans.521

I walk towards him and take his cold hand. He flinches. Getting a closer look of him, I see that there’s a deep gash on his right cheek, and bruises everywhere imaginable. His left eye is puffy and black, from where Jeff’s hand struck him. He grimaces and squeezes my hand.522

“I’m okay, Cammie,” he reassures me several times.523

“Who did this to you?” I ask, hoping it wasn’t really Jeff. Asking this question, I wonder if Michael even knows who Jeff is. Had they really met before?524

He utters my worst fear in a small voice. He grips my hand tighter and then looks away.525

Rex and I slip out of his room. Before we leave Dr. Ray talks to us for a little while and he prescribes anti-depressant, to my dismay. We leave the hospital in a hurry and head for the car. I try to get in the driver’s side but Rex grabs my shoulder before I turn the key in the lock. “No,” He says. “You’re to upset to drive right now, Cam. Get on the other side.”526

“It’s my car. I want to drive.”527

“Really, Cam. You’re being childish. It’s only a fifteen minute drive home. Just let me drive for once and get on in the passenger side before I have to make you.”528

I reluctantly do as I’m told. Rex turns the ignition and starts it up. It jolts and rattles but heads down the road.529

I focus on my hands and try to swallow the tears forming in my throat.530

“I know you’re upset.” Rex says putting a hand on my arm. He hands me a bottle of water and one of my pills. “Take it.” He orders. “It’s your medicine.”531

I stare at the little pill for awhile. “It won’t help,” I whisper, pretty much to myself.532

“Yes it will.” He sighs.533

“No. No it won’t!” I yell at him. “It won’t help, just like it doesn’t help that you and Jen try to listen to me but end up just mad at me in the end!”534

Rex is silent, waiting for me to go on.535

I don’t let him down with my own silence. “A stupid freaking pill can’t absorb the hate, pain…” I growl the last word. “Loss.”536

“Cameron, I know you don’t believe it can, but it will make things look a lot better than how your own mind perceives them.”537

I shift in my seat and look out the window. “I want to go home.” I whimper.538

Rex is used to my behavior such as this and he just nods his head, but he pulls over to the side of the road.539

“Why’d you stop?” I ask angrily.540

“We’ll keep going once you take your medicine,” He says calmly. Rex has that amazing ability to keep calm in most any situation you place him in. There’s a one in a million chance that he’ll lose his temper no matter how much you scream and fight. It’s the silence that usually gets to him.541

I try to unlock the door so I can walk home but Rex finds the button to lock all the doors and pushes it. “No, Cam. Not until you take the pill.”542

I cross my arms over my chest and growl. “Why? I told you it won’t help! Get it through your fucking head.”543

“I’ve been through this. I know it will work. It won’t be a cure but it will make it seem better.”544

“Oh, so it’s just a hallucination.”545

“Just listen to me and do as I say.”546

“Shut up. You’re not my mom. You can’t order me around like a damn dog.” “ “There’s no room for argument and there’s no point if you can’t escape the car. We won’t be moving until you swallow it.”547

He turns the car off, puts his arms behind his head and leans back to stretch. He smiles as if he’s already won, and yawns.548

I glare at him sideways. I’m just as stubborn as he is.549

Thirty minutes later Rex is reading a book he found in the backseat and I’m still glaring out the window.550

He laughs at something in the book and flips the page. Every once in a while a driver will pull over and ask if we need assistance. Rex always smiles at them and says that we’re fine and that I’m just being stubborn.551

Just as I finish thinking about that, a girl I think Rex would probably classify as stunning, walks over and leans in the window. “Need some help, boys?” She purrs.552

Rex grins from ear to ear and shakes his head. “We’re perfectly fine. Cameron’s just being stubborn.”553

She gives him an odd look and then glances at me with my sulky face and crossed arms. “Being stubborn of what?”554

“Personal matters.” I growl at her. “Nothing you need to know.”555

Rex gently jabs me with his elbow. “Just won’t take his stupid pills.”556

“Oh. How long have you boys been sitting here?”557

Rex sniggers, “not too long. Only about thirty minutes.”558

The girl giggles and asks me, “Why are you being headstrong about a silly pill, boy?”559

I raise an eyebrow at her and turn away. “Because I can be,” I murmur.560

About ten minutes pass as the girl, whose name is Vanessa, and Rex talk about things I have no interest in. I’ve retreated to the backseat to lie down. I down on the seat and stare at the back of Rex’s head until I fall asleep.561

When I wake up I’m on the ground outside of the car and Rex is holding me down by the shoulders. Vanessa is nowhere to be seen.562

“Cam!” Rex shouts. “Can you stop shaking?” I try to sit up but my arms are shaking so badly that they fall out from under me and I land on my back with a thud, hitting my head on the side of the car. “Shhh.” He hisses.563

I finally calm down and ask, “What’s going on?”564

“I don’t know. One minute you’re asleep and the next you’re screaming and kicking like an animal and I had to get you out of the car so you didn’t hurt yourself. It scared Vanessa half to death so she left.”565

“You didn’t call 911 or anything, right?” I ask frantically. The last thing I need is a ride in an ambulance.566

He shrugs and says, “I didn’t think about it. What happened?”567

“I don’t know. I need a drink.”568

I try to stand up and get in the driver’s side of the car, but Rex sits me next to the car and sits next to me. “You had me scared out of my mind. I was afraid you were going to hurt yourself. You almost busted the window with all that flailing around.”569

He pulls me off of the ground and guides me to the backseat.570

I lay my head down on the seat and curl up in a ball. I’m afraid to go to sleep.571

We get home and I lay down in bed, the covers up to my chin, shaking. I can’t sleep but I pretend to so that Rex won’t feel terrible. I don’t want him to know that I’m scared, too. He sits at the end of the bed and stays up all night, watching the t.v on mute with captions on.572

--- The Enemy ---573

I hear a commotion in the kitchen downstairs and roll out of bed. Several pots fall and clatter on the floor. A cupboard is slammed shut. I walk lazily down the stairs and into the kitchen. Suddenly I stop dead.574

“What are you doing!?” I yell at Jeff. He’s standing in the middle of the room and is holding Rex by the front of the shirt. He drops Rex and he falls to the floor in exhaustion. He tries to stand up but Jeff kicks him in the stomach and he stays down.575

“I was just looking for you,” He snarls. “Rex wouldn’t tell me so I was working the answer out of him.”576

“I can see that,” I say, my fists clenching at my side. “I’m here.” I take a courageous step towards Jeff. “Now what do you want.”577

Rex crawls over to a counter and drags himself up. That’s what I’ve always admired about him. He doesn’t give up easily. He always stands up in the end.578

Jeff is inches from my face and growling like a stray dog.579

He pushes me backwards into a cabinet and the handle of it presses into my back. I cringe and step back into his face. “Leave us alone. You’re not welcome anymore.” Not like you ever were, I feel like adding.580

“Tell me where I said I cared if I were welcome or not?”581

“Get out of this house before I have to call the police.” I say holding up my cell phone threateningly.582

He looks around and shakes his head. “Fine, dude. But I’ll get you later.” He slams the door on the way out and the house is lost in silence.583

Rex shudders at the counter and pulls up a chair because he’s tired and sore.584

“Are you really hurt?” I ask touching his shoulder.585

He shrugs me away gently and shakes his head. “I’m fine.”586

“What was that about?” I ask.587

“You don’t want to know…”588

--- Meet the Parents ---589

A week later, Michael is released from the hospital. He’s bouncy and pleased to see me as I hold the car door open for him.590

He hands me his crutches as he slides in and grins at me. “Thanks for picking me up.”591

“No problem,” I say turning the key.592

We drive in silence.593

When I drop him off at his house, he’s greeted by his mom, dad, and thirteen year old sister. They gently embrace him and wish him to get better. They all glare at me and I sense they know. Michael turns around awkwardly and smiles at me. Then he turns back to his family and says, “This is Cammie. The guy I was telling you about.” He seems so proud of me. I feel my face grow warmer.594

“Hello,” They all chorus stiffly.595

“Oh, now, don’t be so afraid. He doesn’t bite… much.” He adds with a devilish grin.596

His sister seems to warm up to me a bit and extends her hand to me through the window. I take it and shake it up and down. “Hi. I’m Elisabeth.” She smiles. She’s got the same grin as Michael with straight, white teeth. She’s even got Michael’s dimples. Her eyes sparkle like pools and it makes me smile shyly.597

“Hi Elisabeth. I’m Cameron.” I say stepping out of the car.598

Michael jabs Elisabeth with his elbow jokingly and whispers loudly in her ear, “Pretty hot isn’t he?”599

Elisabeth giggles and looks up at me with the biggest grin I’ve ever seen.600

I blush as Michael stands next to me with his arm around my waist. Elisabeth stands at my other side and stares up at me happily.601

“You’re lucky to have Michael as a friend, instead of Derek.”602

“Who’s Derek?” I ask.603

“Our oldest brother. He’s thirty, and a big jerk.” She replies.604

I stifle a laugh. “He’s a bit too old to be my friend.”605

“How old are you?”606

Again, I try not to laugh. “I’m twenty-one.”607

“Cool! Michael’s twenty-three.”608

“Yep.” I smile.609

Their parents had gone inside to tidy up and make snacks for all of us so they didn’t hear the rest of our conversation, which drifted from guys Elisabeth liked, male actors that were good eye candy, and so fourth. Finally Elisabeth asked what stereotypical kind of guys Michael and I both liked. Michael said he thought skaters were pretty cute.610

When it was my turn to answer I thought it over carefully. “Ooh, of course Punks.”611

You could see a shy smirk spread over Michael’s face. He never really considered himself Punk, exactly. But the way he dressed was stereotypical Punk, and he knew what I meant anyway.612

Elisabeth grins again as she looked between us. “Awwww.” She cooed. Then she noticed we were holding hands on top of the table. She obviously hadn’t realized it before. “Are you guys a couple?”613

We looked at each other and the question flies between our eyes. We’d never had the discussion of whether or not we were dating. I wait for Michael to say something because I am shocked by her question, and even more shocked that I don’t know the answer.614

“Well, are you?” She prods again. “Or do you not even know?”615

“Well…” Michael starts. “I-I guess we are.”616

Elisabeth looks confused by the delay of our answer and put her hand on her hip. “You guess?”617

“Well we never really talked about it, silly.” He smirks.618

“You have to talk about if you’re going to be a couple. A few dates doesn’t just make it happen. You wouldn’t want to be breaking up with someone one day and they’re like, ‘We were going out?’”619

Elisabeth giggles at my comment.620

Michael’s dad comes onto the porch and sits down next to Elisabeth. He doesn’t make an effort to step into the conversation, or change to topic off of guys. He does look a little uncomfortable though.621

“So,” Michael finally says. “Cammie, shall we go get a drink after dinner?”622

“Sure,” I smile as I look down at my hands, getting warmer by the moment.623

“Then we can come back here and crash, because that’s what mom says. She said she didn’t mind you staying over… as long as you stay in the guest bedroom.” He rolls his eyes.624

“I’ll be to drunk to care what bedroom I’m in,” I snigger.625

At this point his father steps in. “I don’t mind if he sleeps in your room. We have a roll-away bed we can put in there for now.”626

Michael winks at me and nods at his father.627

Elisabeth is turning red from holding in her laughter. She’s biting her lower lip and sputtering. Michael reaches across the table and swats her on the back. She bursts out laughing and covers her face so it’s muffled.628

At supper, Michael’s mom doesn’t talk a lot to me. She tries to avoid eye contact, and her lips are pursed snottily.629

She made Michael sit across the table from me, and I’m trapped between Elisabeth and Mr. Porter. He’s a big guy and he talks a lot. Mainly, and unfortunately, he talks with his mouth full of food. It’s a hideous sight.630

“Daddy,” Elisabeth says in an exaggerated whisper, “Close your mouth when you’re chewing. We have company.”631

“Don’t remind me,” murmurs Mrs. Porter.632

Michael glares at his mom and says in an even more exaggerated whisper, “I’ll remind you so many times that you’ll go absolutely insane.”633

I hide my laugh and replace it with a grim expression.634

Soon the mood lightens with the exception of Mrs. Porter. Mr. Porter teases Michael and me about various things.635

“God forbid you meet a nice Christian girl and have a drink with her, instead of bringing home this… this… gay guy!” I hear Michael’s mother scream from the kitchen. “He goes against everything I’ve ever taught you. He goes against GOD. Is the word of God less important now? Lately I’m not sure!”636

I flinch and stare at the table.637

Elisabeth and Mr. Porter are sitting stock still and turning bright pinks.638

“Why can’t you just be normal and just like girls; like Derek? What did we do wrong to make you like both? Tell me, Michael!” She screams again.639

“Mother, Cam’s in the other room. He can hear you.” Michael says loudly.640

“I don’t give a crap!” She shrieks through sobs.641

“Mom!” He yells raising his voice. “I’ll be with who I want, sleep with who I want, and right now, I want to be with Cam. Unless I’m dating someone you know, don’t mention it. So why do you care?”642

“I care because you’re my son! And I don’t want a son of mine going to Hell, do you hear me? HELL. Do you know where faggots go? They go down there with the devil. Tell me if that’s what you REALLY want!”643

“It is if it means I can be with Cameron! It’s worth it, mom. It is entirely worth it. But then again, you don’t know that feeling, do you? You’re so trapped in your own little world of Bible studies and soccer mom routine to remember you have a gay son. The word of some FIGMINT of your imagination says to hate your son for who he is? So be it. I hate you, too.”644

“You are not to talk to the person who gave birth to you that way! DO YOU HEAR ME?”645

“Just stay out of it! This isn’t the Welcome Home I expected. You’ve got no heart.” Michael yells slamming the kitchen door in his mom’s face. He limps over to me and pulls me up by the arm. For a second I think he’s going to throw me out of the house, but instead he grabs his car keys from a hook on the wall and we climb into the car.646

“Sorry about that,” He mumbles. “Wasn’t a very good idea to let you guys meet.”647

“It’s fine.”648

“No it isn’t,” He says. His eyes look desperate and pleading.649

“It’s fine. Really.”650

We drive to a convenience store and grab a case of beer. Then we drive home and sit outside on the front porch.651

“Hey, Cam.” Elisabeth says stepping behind me.652

“Hey,” I mutter.653

She sits down between us and stares at the sky. “It’s so pretty tonight.” She observes. “Look at all of those stars. There must be billons and billons of them just in the Milky Way.”654

I take a sip of my beer and nod.655

“You guys shouldn’t drink. It’s bad for your liver,” She remarks.656

“What are you, a doctor now?” I snap. “I’m not in the mood to be criticized. I drink because alcoholism runs in my family.”657

“Well, I’m sorry.” She says sarcastically. “If I’d have known you’d be such a jerk, I wouldn’t have said anything.”658

“It’s all right. Nevermind.” I sigh, feeling guilty of my snapping at her.659

“Okay.” She sighs and puts her hand on my shoulder. “I’ll leave you two lovebirds alone. Just don’t let mom catch you guys doing anything or she’ll flip.” She gets up and goes into the house.660

“Well, it’s late. I guess I’d better go,” I mumble.661

“Not after you’ve had so much beer.”662

“It’s only three bloody beers. I’ll be fine. I don’t want your mom to get upset again.”663

“Oh, she’s already upset. Don’t bother about her. She’s on permanent PMS, I swear to God. You can sleep in my room.”664

“Well… all right.”665

The next day I wake up groggily. Elisabeth is at the end of my bed bouncing up and down trying to wake me up. Michael is sitting at his desk and looking back at us happily. When I groan and turn over, putting the pillow over my head and muffling the noises in the room, Elisabeth crawls under the covers beside me and stares at me.666

I swat at her and mumble something about letting gypsies take her away.667

“Wake up, you nut.” She rhymes perkily.668

Michael stands up and pretends to scold Elisabeth. “That’s my spot in bed.” Elisabeth scurries out and Michael lies down. He puts his mouth to my ear and sing-songs and whispers, “Wake up, Cammie.”669

“Ugh.” I grumble. “I need a glass of water.”670

As if magically, Elisabeth appears at the bedside and hands Michael the glass to give to me. “Sit up,” He gently orders.671

I stiffly sit up and try to shake off my tiredness. I take the glass from Michael and put it to my dry lips. The cool liquid spills out onto my tongue and into the back of my throat.672

--- Arm, Please. ---673

After the argument between Michael and his mom (About me… makes me all warm and fuzzy inside to know they were fighting because of me.), things can only look up, right?674

Wrong.675

The next day after work, I am greeted at the door by Rex. He’s somewhat smiling, but it doesn’t look… natural. He jerks out his right hand and holds it palm up. I look at him in confusion.676

Silence.677

Finally he speaks up. “Let me see your hand.”678

I look at him dumbly, and try to utter something, anything to make him change his mind. All I get out is, “A-a-ah Re-ex?”679

“Give me your hand.” He orders stiffly, emphasizing each word as if I’m a toddler.680

I grab the ends of my coat sleeves and cross my arms. I try to step around Rex but he gently holds me back by the shoulders.681

“Cam, just cooperate.”682

“You’re not my mother, and you’re not the police!” I blurt out. “You can’t force me to do something.”683

“I know I’m not your mother.” He says calmly. “And I’m not trying to be. I’m just trying to help, because it seems very few people are being helpful.”684

I stare at the ground nervously. “Please God. No. Make him change his mind.”685

I realize too late that Rex has my wrists clutched to his chest tightly so as I can’t squirm away.686

A sting runs up my arm as he twists it towards the light. I drop to the ground and let out a whine.687

It seems like hours before Rex finally yanks me up off of the ground. He still keeps a firm grip on my wrist so I don’t run off. I twist around trying to make him lose his grip so I can sprint to my car and get away before I have to hear him and how disappointed in me he is.688

“How old are these cuts?”689

I look down, trying to ignore his question.690

“Cam, tell me how old they are.” When I don’t answer, he tightens his hold on my wrist and pulls me closer to him. I let out a cry in shock and try to pull away.691

“Let me go,” I say through tears. I lean backwards and when he lets go I fall on the ground.692

“Let me rephrase my question, Cam. How recent are they? Weeks? Days?”693

I hold my breath. “Days!” I shout when he starts to twist my arm around again. “Ouch! Rex let go!” I try to swallow the tears that are collecting in my throat, but I can’t stop myself and tears start running in streams down my cheeks again.694

Feeling guilty, Rex lets go of my arm, takes a step backwards and says, “I’m sorry Cam…” He swallows painfully.695

I nod.696

Suddenly he remembers. “Have you taken your pill today?”697

I stare at the ground. “Um… well…” I’m still trying to work out the lump of tears in my throat.698

Rex grabs my house keys and opens the front door. He walks quickly to the medicine cabinet. I wait in the living room fearfully.699

When Rex returns, he has a glass of tap water and a pill. He can see the refusal in my eyes so instead of handing it to me, he tells me to sit down. I do so, wondering what he’s got in mind. He sits next to me and suddenly he’s got the pill in my mouth. I gag and push him away.700

“Drink,” He says, forcing the glass to my mouth.701

I gag it down and look away from Rex, ashamed. I’m not so much ashamed of taking the pill, but of having to have the pill shoved down my throat by Rex; of all people.702

“Don’t feel bad.” Rex sighs. He wipes his wet hand on his jeans and stands up to put the glass in the kitchen. “I will find out.”703

I hear the clink of dishes on dishes and Rex humming as he washes them. Suddenly, though, there’s silence. Then I hear footsteps. Rex returns from the kitchen holding a large knife covered in dry blood.704

“I take it that this is yours?” He groans.705

I bite my lower lip and try to work out an excuse in my head. “I-I-was…. it was…” is all I manage to say.706

“An accident, maybe?” He finishes for me. He’s frustrated and disappointed.707

I shake my head and look at my legs splayed out in front of me.708

“Just an off-handed question, Cam, but what’s so bad about your life lately?”709

I take awhile to think about this. “Never mind, Rex. It’s none of your business.”710

“I see. Well if you won’t answer that question, then answer this one. Just how does cutting help this?”711

I stare at him darkly. “I can see my pain.”712

--- Can You Hear me, Mom? ---713

I try to take a deep breathe of air but choke.714

“She’s gone and it’s all my fault.” I repeat to myself as I walk around the track in front of the high school. “It’s my fault she died and I deserve to be depressed. I deserve this.”715

I break out into a run and I push myself around the track with vigor. Inside I’m screaming at myself a mile a minute. “ALL MY FAULT!” I scream as I turn the corner sharply. The red, dusty gravel flies in my face and I choke on it, but I keep sprinting.716

Maybe if I run fast enough it will all go away.717

My legs are aching and my chest is pounding. My breath is labored. “Keep going!” My soul orders. “Don’t give up! You’re always giving up!”718

I turn another corner and build up my momentum. “Faster,” I pant. “Go faster.”719

Just then I look to my right and notice several of the cheerleaders staring at me and whispering between themselves. I must be quite a sight for them. Silver and golden hair shinning in the sunlight, my lip and ear rings, among other things.720

The next thing I know is that I’m flying over a hurtle and land in the dusty gravel face first. Blood oozes from my palms. I don’t really care. The stinging sensation is a welcome surprise.721

I get up and dust myself off. Seven of the nine cheerleaders jump down from the bleachers and jog towards me. They ask me if I’m all right.722

“Yeah, I’m fine.” I nod as I wipe my hands on a towel someone’s given me. It stains red. It makes me crave the knife. “NO!” I yell at myself. “Keep the knife down.”723

I walk away from the crowd of skinny blonde girls and sprint around the track once more, and then jog home.724

My mind is buzzing by the time I get home. “What did I do to deserve this?” “Did those seven girls actually show some kindness and care when I tripped, or did they just feel sorry for me? Or both!?” “How’s Michael doing?” “Is Jeff still pissed off?” These are just some things that are floating through my mind.725

I crawl weakly up the stairs and hide myself under the covers. My hands are stinging and I’m gasping for air. I bury my face in the pillow and groan loudly.726

Inside I’m beating myself up. I’m trying not to cut. Half of me screams that it’s wrong, while the other half is saying it will help. Which should I believe?727

When I wake up, I find myself on the floor across the room. The clock on the wall is blinking 5:00 a.m. Sweat is dripping from my hair and skin, and I’m panting.728

I head downstairs and fix myself a cup of coffee. I grunt as I lean on the counter to steady myself. My head is pounding and my whole body aches.729

Have you ever been caught in the act? Most likely you have. Though, doing what exactly? Well, let’s not go there.730

Getting caught isn’t exactly fun because you usually end up in trouble. This wasn’t an exception.731

Rex is starting to come over every morning to make sure I get my medication.732

“Here.” He says holding out a small pill. I take it from him angrily and hold it to my mouth. Suddenly Rex is distracted by a pot falling out of the cupboard and I seize the chance. Hurriedly I shove the pesky little pill in my pocket.733

Rex bends over to pick up the pot, and then turns towards me. “Stupid things,” He grunts.734

I nod nervously and suddenly pull my hands from my pockets. “It must look suspicious,” I find myself thinking.735

Rex looks me up and down. “Did you take it?”736

“Y-yes.” I stammer. “Get a hold of yourself, Cam. You’re acting like a guilty fool.”737

Rex’s lips are pressed together tightly and he’s studying the guilty look on my face. “You’re sure, now?” He questions.738

I try to act calm, but inside I’m screaming at myself in panic. “I’m sure.”739

Rex doesn’t look convinced. “Empty your pockets.”740

“What?”741

“You heard me,” He says. When I don’t do what he asks, he reaches his hand into my pocket and pulls out the small blue pill. Rex just stares at me in disbelief. He’s looking, but he’s not seeing.742

--- This is for Sissies ---743

Knowing I need to seek serious help quickly, but not wanting to see a stranger, I ask Rex in all seriousness to help the nightmares stop. So now I find myself sitting cross-legged on the floor in front of Rex and closing my eyes. His hands are working my tense shoulders.744

“Breathe in deeply; good job, Cameron,” He coos into my ear. I do as he says and find myself actually relaxed. This has become our daily routine before bed to ease my mind.745

I stand up, ready for the next part, which takes a lot out of me. It seems easy to most but I have a hard time with it. Rex stands about a foot behind me; his arms are outstretched and he tells me to fall back. It’s supposed to work on my ‘trust’ issue.746

“Rex, this is stupid. This is for Sissies.”747

“Shut up. Fall… now.”748

I turn around and lock eyes with Rex and plead with my eyes for him to catch me. To not let me fall physically like I’ve been falling emotionally for all these years. Hitting the floor would symbolize the rock bottom to me at this point… and I can’t let that physically happen. If it does… it could mean the end of me. I quiver and ease myself back, already grabbing crazily at the air for balance.749

“Cam, trust me, I’ll catch you.”750

That is easier said than done. I try again anyway. This time, I fall back into his waiting arms and he holds me tightly, not letting me hit the ground. A pained smile falls onto my face.751

“Good job, Cam,” He smiles. “You’re really coming along.”752

--- Who Are You? ---753

I get home from work and I lie down on the sofa and drift off to sleep. I feel someone hovering over me and staring me down. I jerk upright and we almost knock heads.754

Not seeing Rex, I snap, “Who are you?”755

“I’m Reiley.”756

I look him up and down. He’s strong looking. Big arms, and broad shoulders. Not exactly the type of person you’d want to walk into in and alley on a dark night. Either that, or the type of person you want with you on a dark night in an alley.757

But there’s something else in his eyes… something… could it be? Kindness.758

I haven’t been looked at this way for a long time. The looks Jen and Liz give me are sympathetic, and Rex gives me looks to show me he’s in charge. But this Reiley person… his eyes glow with kindness. Dare I say it, I trust him.759

Reiley shifts uneasily while I look him up and down. I finally return my gaze to his face and try to shake off the feeling of trustworthiness.760

“Don’t!” I yell at myself. “Don’t trust him!”761

He hands me my medicine and I stare at him sadly. “Jeez… do I really have to take this shit?” I grumble.762

“Yea,” He says after hesitating. “You do. Rex told me to come over and make sure you swallowed it… you know.”763

I glare at him and snatch the pills away.764

--- Lost My Mind Too Insanity---765

The dreams have gotten worse… I lay in bed at night sweating and staring wide eyed at the ceiling, afraid to go to sleep. I’m afraid to breathe and the tears have started to flow more rapidly than ever before. They kill me. By morning my chest hurts from sobbing and shuddering for hours upon hours. I stare at the ceiling most of the night afraid to close my eyes, and dousing myself in water to keep awake. Shadows in corners frighten me. Sometimes when my sleepiness overpowers my fear, I find myself waking up ten minutes later screaming. Nerve refuses to sleep in the same room as me anymore.766

I find myself in that dark room again. Only this time… it’s not quite so drab. There’s a hollow rectangle of light about ten yards from me, and I creep cautiously towards it. Realizing it’s a door with no handles I run my hands up and down it and say a silent prayer. “Please let this not be just a fevered perception. Let it be real, let this be some sort of lucid dream. I need this to be real.” After my prayer, I run a warm hand across the middle of the door, searching for a hidden knob. Instead, I find a button. It’s triangle, green, and has a black bolded “F” on it. I cock my head to the side and take a deep breathe in. Is this going to set me to freedom? Or set me to a path of failures. The F could stand for anything. Fucked, Father… the possibilities are endless, and that fact scares me. I mean, it seriously scares me. Most would have no problem with pushing this unfamiliar button, in hopes of opening this contraption, but to me, with such possibilities of failure and my step-dad being on the other side of this door I’m quite hesitant to even begin to extend a hand towards it.767

I look to my left and then to my right, as if looking for a clue or maybe something to reassure me. I cast a second glance around the room for no reason, and then reach towards the triangular button. Almost in tears, I press it.768

An ungodly ache spiders down my spine. I arch back and go rigid. The full-body Charlie horse twists my muscles, contorts my limbs, and sends meaningless words flying from my mouth.769

I don’t even have control over my eyelids. Their incessant blinking is driving me mad.770

My eyes snap open and the room is dark. I’m on the floor, drenched in sweat.771

I’ve had it. I’ve had enough of the nightmares. I cannot take a single day more of this agony. I look desperately around the room, trying to tell myself that this isn’t real. Unfortunately, this is the sad reality of my life; nights spent in another world, reliving my past, and being unable to tell if it’s real or not. I don’t know what to do with myself. I am a disgrace even to myself. Everything about me makes me sick to my stomach. Why can’t I move on from the shit? I see other people, other friends, in my life move beyond past horrible experiences. Some have dealt with far worse situations, and yet they still are optimistic of what their future holds for them. All I see in the future is more of the present day.772

I don’t want to die, but sometimes I wish I was never even born at all. I think that maybe death would just be the easiest way out, and being human, we only want to deal with the easiest way to do things.773

I walk into the bathroom, stare into the mirror for awhile, and then open the cabinet door.774

Pain reliever.775

It’s something to stop the ache. I will make it go away. I unscrew the lid and pour a handful into my palm.776

This will stop time; take me away to cloud nine. I need those wings right now, more than ever before.777

I pop them in my mouth and down them with rusty tap water.778

I wait.779

Instead of making the ache cease, it only moves it to my heart. My chest is pounding with each beat. It is struggling to keep alive. My body doesn’t know how to react to the large amount of medicine.780

I can feel myself slipping away.781

My eyes are weighed down with tiredness. I feel myself falling away. Falling into the arms of death, and I must say… it’s a warm place.782

---The Halfway House to Heaven ---783

I wake standing on a hill overlooking an ongoing funeral. I look through the absolutely massive crowd of family and friends of the deceased wondering who could be loved that much? My heart skips a beat when I recognize one of them as my mother. Another face in the crowd un-blurs. Michael eyes will not leave the preacher. He is absorbing every word he is saying. Tears are streaming down his face and Jen is sitting next to him wiping them away. Rex is sitting nearby, his face buried in his hands, not pretending to be anything but mortified. He looks strange in a suit, but I can tell wearing one means something to him. Liz is in the back, controlling sobs and trying to compose herself. I look around and see so many familiar faces.784

"...God did not make death, nor does he rejoice..."785

“CLEAR!”786

I look around. Why would someone scream in the middle of a funeral? I look around in confusion. No one seems interested with the disturbance. In fact, they don’t seem to have even heard it.787

A voice behind me whispers, “This is yours. This is what you wanted?”788

I turn around and see a man in a suit. His hands are held together in front of him. 789

“Who are you?”790

“Alice.”791

I look at him skeptically. “Yea, I guess this is what I wanted.”792

“That’s too bad.”793

“What do you mean?”794

“I mean, this isn’t where your story ends, Cameron. You have so much more living to do. You were sent here for a reason. You weren’t supposed to die. I guess the whole system has a few flaws. Some people slip through.”795

“What are you talking about?”796

Alice laughs. It doesn’t seem to fit him. “You chose your life. You chose to be born into this. You can’t just walk away from it. If you start something, you’re going to finish it.”797

“CLEAR!”798

“…And there is not a destructive drug among them, nor any domain of the nether world on earth…”799

“I chose to get out.”800

“No, you just chose to give up in the middle of a difficult situation. You always knew, subconsciously at least, that if you tried hard enough you could get rid of those nightmares, but you never tried. You expected them to disappear with no effort involved. When that didn’t happen, you thought you could get away from it with suicide.”801

“So then that should be the end of the story. Who cares if it wasn’t supposed to be.”802

“Before you were born, Cameron, your soul decided the path it would take, and you know what, I don’t care what you think, because suicide was not on the menu. Imagine how heartbroken every single person you knew and loved feels right at this moment. They are aching for you, Cameron. By killing yourself you are unknowingly shortening their lives. You’re going back. You began this, and you will continue on with it until the right time to end it.”803

“I don’t WANT to go back there. Don’t you understand?”804

“I understand, but I have orders to send you back and I will not defy them. YOU will not defy them, or question them.” He looks the preacher straight in the eye and nods.805

“Okay. So if my time isn’t now, then when can I look forward to death?”806

“It wouldn’t be in your best interest to know.”807

“Please. I will go back without a struggle if you just let me know how I die.”808

Alice sighs and looks upwards. He blinks and then looks back at me. Our eyes connect and he shakes his head. “You’ll die in five years.”809

“How am I going to die, though?”810

“You’re going to pass away in a motorcycle accident.”811

I nod solemnly and smile. “Thank you.”812

“Why?”813

“Thank you for the chance to start again; if only for a little while.”814

“…It was the wicked, who; with hands and words invited death, considered it a friend, and pined for it…”815

“CLEAR!”816

My eyes snap open. My chest aches and I’m lying in a pool of blood.817

“You almost didn’t make it, son. You’re lucky.”818

“Welcome back, kid."819

I shut my eyes and whisper my thanks to the space between Heaven and Earth that gave me a second chance.820