Diary of a Serial Sadist: Entry No. 1, A Sadist is Born

19 December 1992, Tuesday1

I did something bad today. Something really bad. I hope my parents don't find out. They will beat me bloody if they do. But I couldn't help it. While I was outside playing after school today, I found a bird that had a broken wing. I picked it up so I could talk to it and try to make it feel better. I told it it would be okay, and that I had had lots of broken bones. The doctor had just taken the cast off of my hand last week, on my 12th birthday, as a matter of fact, from the broken fingers my dad gave me. I told the bird that it always hurts when a bone breaks, but it always gets better too. Then the bird chirped a little bit. It was talking to me, and I could understand what it said! It said it wanted to die and asked me if I would kill it. I said okay. I wasn't sure how to do it. So I just started to squeeze it as hard as I could with both hands. It started chirping even more. It was loud. It was kicking its little feet and I could feel its other wing trying to move in my hand. I could hear its other bones cracking. It was trying to peck at my hands. The more it tried to get away, the tighter I squeezed it. It was making me angry. It asked me to do this, then it tried to get away. I didn't understand that. Maybe it only thought it wanted to die. I feel that way sometimes too. Anyway, after a couple of minutes it wasn't struggling so much. It wasn't dead yet because it was still chirping. I didn't know it would be so hard to kill it. Then I started to cry. I felt bad for hurting it so much. So, I decided to bury it. Then it would die, but all I had to do was dig a hole and put it in. So that's what I did. I used my little plastic beach shovel to dig the hole. I put the bird inside and pushed the dirt back in on top of it with my hands. I asked God to help it die quickly because it was hurting so bad. It had a lot of broken bones. I hope it did die fast. Poor little bird. My parents will be home from work soon. I have to go wash my hands. My mom will freak out if she sees the dirt on them. I hope the bird went to Heaven.2