My Sister's Wings

My family used to take the same vacation every year.  We’d all drag our asses out of bed at 6:00 on a Saturday morning, whining about the misery the next two weeks would hold.  My younger sister Ashley got carsick at the same time, same place every year.  I was always sitting next to her in our beat up Chevy when the trip began and after exactly 2 hours and 20 minutes down the road she’d get sick.  We’d come to a long curve on the twisty old highway.  One of those big turns that always slams you into the person on your right.  I’d be pushed onto Sharla, wake up and look in Ashley’s direction, just in time to see her eyes pop open and breakfast fly out her mouth.  It was hilarious.  She never had time to aim for the bag my dad had situated in front of her, or to even turn and shoot for distance out the window, so it just sprayed all over the back of dad’s seat and usually onto his neck and hair.  This was always my favorite part of the vacation, which was a shame because after that one second of glory, I knew the fun was over.1

I had a rough time dealing with my family.  My teachers would always call my dad in to talk about my obvious “social problems”.  I could never seem to make any friends, I’m sure because of the losses I’d suffered in my early childhood.  My mom died when I was ten.  She was beautiful.  She was trying to become an actress or a model, before she got breast cancer.  I guess Hollywood’s not looking for a skinny, bald, one-breasted woman.2

Ashley looks just like mom did.  Tall, blonde and thin.  She’s perfect on the outside, ugly on the inside.3

Five years ago, when I was thirteen and Ashley was twelve, I got a kitten for my birthday.  He was the closest thing I had to a friend and I loved him more than anything.  I used to chase him all around our house, running from room to room.  Ashley hated it, she’d tell me to grow up and “get a real friend”.  One particular day I was chasing my kitten through the kitchen, stomping loudly through the house, when Ashley suddenly jumped out from behind the refrigerator and stomped down hard.  She killed him with the first blow, then turned and walked away.  My life has been a constant reminder of how terrible of a person she is.4

Then there’s my older sister Sharla.  She looks a lot more like my dad and I.  Short brown hair that’s cropped close to her neck, and thick round glasses that make her look like she’s extremely smart when she actually barely passed her senior year of high school.  She’s the only good thing that came from my parents marriage.  The one everybody loves is Sharla and she’s the only one that loves all of us.  I don’t know how she could love us, but she does and she never lets any of us forget it.5

My family and I went on our final vacation last summer.  After the events that occurred during the trip we decided it wouldn’t be right to continue the tradition.  This particular trip began like all the others.  We got up at six, packed the car, stuffed all four of us into the Chevy and began our ritual.  We started by going to Portland, Oregon where we stayed for three days.  Then continued up to Seattle.  After these two big cities dad always drove through a bunch of tiny towns in Idaho and Montana.  He thought it was fun to go exploring, which to him meant driving slowly through each town until we found some run-down, hourly rate hotel where we would stay and sleep as much as possible before 6:00 AM the next morning.6

On the tenth day of this particular trip Sharla, Ashley and I decided to walk down the main street of a little town in Montana called Scobey.  It was placed in the far north-eastern corner of the state where nobody would ever be able to find it except for my dad on our terrible trips.  I didn’t want to see if there was anything in this town, but Sharla begged me to come.7

“Please, Alison!  Come with us.  This is the only time we get together before I have to go back.” Her brown eyes peered into mine behind her thick glasses and I knew I couldn’t say no to her.8

Sharla was living in Denver at the time.  She’d just started her job as a social worker, but was still determined to never miss a family vacation.  She said as long as she’d been doing them for so long she may as well continue the tradition.9

“Fine, but can we hurry?”  The town looked as if someone had picked it up and rolled it in the mud before returning it to it’s nothing spot on the earth.  Every building, street, sidewalk and person seemed to be covered in dirt.  A large brick building on my right looked like an old post office that wasn’t used much anymore.  Across the street stood a tiny one-pump gas station that had a cardboard sign reading, “Go Scobey Scotties”.  I can’t imagine my high school mascot being a Scottie.  I glared at the sign then turned my attention back to Sharla.10

“What do you think there is to see in this dump?”11

“Actually, there is a little store down on the corner.  Dad said it’s got some cool stuff in it.”12

“Dad doesn’t understand the meaning of the word.  Let’s just go back.”  At this Ashley’s face whipped in my direction.13

“Stop being such a bitch, Alison.  Just walk another half a block, it’s not gonna kill you to get some exercise anyway.”  I hated her.  But, I only sighed and moved closer to Sharla who gently touched my arm when Ashley wasn’t looking.14

We reached the end of the block and I turned to see a small white building looking sadly back at me.  I don’t think It had seen people in years.  The front had a small porch, one of those old ones that dares you to step on it.  It tilted forward slightly and didn’t fully attach to the building.  The store itself was leaning in the opposite direction of the porch.  A small bell hung above the ancient door and rang slightly as Sharla pushed it open.  We entered the store only to see it actually looked sadder on the inside that on the outside.  The entire place consisted of two aisles, one holding food and other personal needs, and the next one devoted to beer.15

“That must be the ‘cool stuff’ dad was talking about”, I said, nodding towards the alcohol.16

Sharla and Ashley both ignored me and continued to walk through the store.  I strolled to the back, passing by an old woman with a basket in her hand and two teenage boys, who glanced at me for about one second then let their eyes drift to Ashley.  She was, conveniently, bent over looking at a box of magazines.  I reached the back and looked out the one rusty window the store had.  To my great surprise, the yard behind the store was beautiful, not looking at all like something that should be in Scobey.  Large, dense trees began directly behind the building and went for about forty yards where they met to surround a roaring river.17

“There’s a river back there.  I’m gunna go see it.”  Ashley turned towards me and said,18

“I’ll come with you.”19

I suppose the store looked a little too grungy for her too.  So the two of us left Sharla inside the store and walked around the building, holding on to the shredded siding to keep our balance as we inched our way through a mess of weeds and tall grass.  The noise of rushing water became louder, and I could smell a wet freshness coming from the direction of the sound.  We inched along until we finally reached the edge of the water.   I was amazed.  Medium sized trout and salmon hurried along the river, seeming to run into each other but never actually colliding.  Every once in a while a fish would jump, startling me by how quick it would happen before the water was left with only rings of remembrance.20

Ashley disappeared somewhere and I stayed mesmerized by the fish, squatting on the bank.21

“Look Alison!” I jumped at the sound of her voice.  She was walking across a large log extending from one side of the bank to the other.  She looked beautiful standing in the rays of the sunlight.  Her long legs reached gently in front of each other, not once allowing her to falter.  I watched in envy as she tip-toed her way across the log.   The gentleness of her movements made me wish I could do it.  I had never in my life been jealous of anything Ashley had done, but at this moment I wished I was her.  I rose from my perch and began working my through the trees to where the log began.22

Then the river stopped.  No trees swayed in the breeze as Ashley’s foot slipped from it’s holding spot.  Her right arm swung back in a desperate grab at the log, her head whipping violently to strike the dead tree with full force.  I knew she couldn’t swim.  I also knew I could save her.  All I had to do was run down to where I had sat before, reach in and grab her.  The river was deep but not very wide, I probably wouldn’t have had to even touch the water.  Her life would be saved, she’d be breathing.  But I didn’t move.  I only stood beside the log and watched.  She floated face down, unconscious and drowning.  Past the spot I had sat before, past the large rock that jutted out from the bank and finally down to a beaver dam, where she floated, lifeless, in the water.  I stared at her for a long time.  When I think back to it now, I wasn’t inside my body but only a bystander watching.  I let out a small cry, the only emotion I ever showed for Ashley, only because I had liked how peaceful she had looked on the log.  I wished for a moment I could see here there again, but the thought vanished as quickly as it had come.23

I looked back towards the store, preparing myself to tell Sharla that Ashley had fallen in when I had left the edge for a moment.  I took a step and startled a group of birds in the tree directly in front of me.  They all lifted as one from the pine, shuttering the still air with their rising wings.  I watched silently. Watched as they entered the sky, heads tilted towards the sun.  Then she joined them. Flying perfectly into the forgiveness of the clouds.24