Floating…
Floating in darkness…
Alone without light…
Nothing glows…
Nothing stirs…
It’s just me.
I breathe in cool sea air. The kind that tastes like salt and smells like fish.
I breathe out bubbles. Black bubbles. Bubbles the color of the night that surrounds me.
Then a sound soft as wind breaks the silence. Chimes. Tiny chimes.1
2
The Calling 3
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I awake unwillingly from my slumber. The room I’m in seems unfamiliar. Then, as I look around, I realize that it’s my room. My room hasn’t been redecorated since I lost my mom six years ago. It’s still pink with butterflies and smiling daises. A strange assortment of Barbie dolls and high-school textbooks fills the shelf above my desk. The glare of sunlight off of the Barbies’ dresses almost blinds me.5
“What was I dreaming about?” I mumble to the ceiling. I’m lying on the wrong end of the bed, my feet resting on my pillow and my head near my footrest. Blinking the sleep from my eyes, I see that the chimes above my head are ringing softly. I lick my finger and raise it into the air. The air in my room is still.
I… remember…6
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“Happy Birthday, sweetie!” cries my mother as she hands me a pink box, with a large silver ribbon on top of it. Laughing, I rip the pastel paper zealously. I gasp as I see what lies inside. Chimes, with dark purple spirals dancing in and around the blue metal cylinders. Just like the chimes that Mom has hanging above her bed. 10
“They’re…so pretty!” I cry as I lift them from the white box where they lay. They jingle quietly as I move them. 11
“We’ll hang them over your bed,” Mom whispers as she hugs me. “Somewhere that they won’t get hit with wind.” 12
I lay the chimes down carefully and prepare to listen intently to her. Her voice changes when something’s important. It…darkens almost, gets quieter, more intense. 13
“When they chime,” she says, looking into my eyes with her bright blue ones, “you go outside and wait.”14
“What do I wait for?” I ask innocently, trying to make my brown eyes glisten the way her blue ones always do. 15
“Just wait. You’ll know when the time comes…” 16
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I awaken from my memory. It was my seventh birthday that day. We hung my chimes the very hour. And now, they are ringing. Summoning me. I don’t know what for, but I’m still going to go. I told Mom that I would.19
I slide out of bed both unwillingly and with excitement. My time has come. I throw on a pair of old, faded jeans and a guy's T-shirt. Then throw them off. After much deliberation, I finally decide to dress like I’m going to school on an important day. Dark hip-hugger jeans, a red three-quarter-sleeve shirt, and the pair of sneakers I haven’t completely ruined. Glancing at the clock, I note the time: 11:45 a.m.20
“Wow,” I say to my reflection in the clock-face. “I always thought that I would leave at night. The way...Mom did.” Again…I remember…21
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It’s dark out. And it’s raining. Pouring. Fast and hard. The whole world is quiet except for the rain and the mighty thunder that woke me. I crawl from bed in search of Mom. She always makes the bad nights better. I don’t know how she does, but she does, all the same. As I approach her bedroom door, I hear an odd sound. Soft, and slightly metallic. Chimes. Mom’s chimes are ringing… 25
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I’m forced from my memory as my own chimes ring faster and louder. Then, suddenly, thick clouds cover the sun. In an instant, the heavens are pouring down upon us.28
“Rain,” I say as though there was someone in the room besides me. “We both leave in the rain.”29
I go down the staircase for the last time. As I look at all the pictures on the wall, all the memories hanging there, I wait to cry. I wait for that one glistening tear. But not one falls. Somehow, I just can’t cry. SHE is in a lot of them too. Amanda. My dad’s new wife. A year after mom was summoned, he remarried. I never forgave him. And I never liked her. She was sunny when I needed dark. She was sweet when I needed sour. She was a Barbie, and I wasn’t ten anymore.30
I grab a wind-breaker off of a blue plastic hanger in the hall closet. Mom had always had wooden hangers, but dad tossed them out when Amanda moved in. Just as I slip the wind-breaker on, my dad and his “doll” walk by.31
“Where are you going?” he asks, seeing me in the wind-breaker.32
“Out,” I reply curtly.33
“Honey, it’s pouring outside, wait for the sun to come back out at least!” cries a concerned Amanda to me. She calls me ‘honey’. I’m not honey. Certainly not HERS.34
“I can see that it's raining, Amanda. Thank you. And I don't WANT to wait for the sun.”
Her disposition darkens, the way it always does when I call her by her name.35
“ I really wish that you would call me ‘Mom,’” she says quietly to the brick wall, more formally known as me. She continues to talk, and as she does…I remember…36
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Mom’s chimes are ringing. I run as fast as my ten-year-old legs will carry me down the stairs. Too fast, in fact. I trip five steps from the bottom and am sent flying. I never hit the ground though, because Mom catches me. She’s always there to catch me. She is dressed all in black, even her jacket. 40
“I don’t understand, Mama. You never wear black. You said it was a dark color for hiding in. And you never hide from me,” I say as she sets me gently on my feet in front of the door. 41
“Sweetie, I have to go,” she says. Her eyes are as bright as ever in the low light. She looks like a dark elf, standing before me in her black ensemble, with those eyes. 42
“When will you come home?” Even as I ask, I fear that I already know the answer. Even a ten-year-old can tell when someone isn't coming back. 43
She pauses before answering, taking time to think over her next words, “I don’t know if I ever will.” 44
“But…MAMA! You HAVE to come home! What will I do without you?” I cry, holding onto her waist. 45
She touches my long hair softly. Then, gently pulls me from her.
“I’m going to teach you a poem, okay?” 46
It seems like a silly thing for her to say at a time like this, but I agree all the same. 47
“Ready?” I nod silently. 48
“From Darkness.” 49
I repeat, “From Darkness.” 50
“To Darkness.” 51
“To Darkness” 52
“We must follow the path.” 53
“We must follow the path.” 54
“Without light.” 55
“Without light.” 56
“No matter where it leads.” 57
“No matter where it leads.” 58
Mom smiles softly. “Do you have it?” she asks me, as softly as she is smiling. I think for a moment. Then nod, a soft pout forming on my face. She is never supposed to leave me, that's what other mothers do, not mine. Mine is supposed to be different, special. 59
“But Mama…” I whine, desperate to keep her here with me. 60
She shakes her head and that ends all my hopes of protest. 61
“Be good and obey your chimes.” She pauses in thought for but a moment before returning her attention to me. "Listen to your father too, not just the call of your chimes." I nod reluctantly. When I can, I only listen to what Mom has to say, Dad is just some man who lives in my mother's house. “I love you,” she whispers, and with that pulls the hood of her jacket over her wavy blond hair and walks off into the storm. 62
I never forgot the poem… 63
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Apparently, Dad is mad. That’s the first thing I notice, once I emerge from my realm of memory.67
“YOU aren’t going ANYWHERE!” he yells at me, as though he could stop me by raising his voice.68
“Yes I am,” I state blankly.69
“Just like your mother,” he mumbles to himself, though, not so much to himself that I can’t hear him. “Don’t you remember that night? How HURT you were?” he cries at me.70
“Of course I remember,” I reply coolly.71
“Then WHY would you LEAVE ME like she did you?” he cries, falling to his knees. He is sobbing. He knows that he can’t stop me. I can see that I really am hurting him. But I have to go.72
Amanda must have walked away, she isn’t in the hall anymore. I have to go. But he will still have his ‘doll’. Maybe he’ll replace me, the way he did Mom.73
“From Darkness, To Darkness,” I recite from memory to my father’s form, “We must follow the path without light, no matter where it leads.” I pull the green wind-breaker’s hood over my short brown hair the way mom had done those six long years ago. And walk out of the door. I can still hear his cries.74
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The rain falls endlessly upon my wind-breaker. I step further into the driveway. Further from my father’s tears. Further from the chimes.76
“Were do I go? What do I wait for?” I whisper to the dark gray sky. It replies with a streak of white lightning and the roar of thunder. I was supposed to know what I’m waiting for. Mom said that I would. I shiver from the cold of the weather, and the cold of the memory. I turn to go back inside the house. Before I can take a single step, I hear an odd sound begin behind me. Curiosity rising inside me, I turn my head to look for the source of the strange, indescribable sound. The sound is closest to that of opening a new notebook. Quiet, almost popping, but also ripping and breaking. I see what is causing the sound and my body spins to face it. An oval. An oval floating in the air. It has no depth, no dimension. It’s just…THERE! A black oval. I still don’t know why it’s here, or if that’s where I need to go. All the same, I take a deep breath, and leap toward the floating abyss.
Author notes
This is section 1 of a HUGE thing I started a while ago. I may never put the rest on here, and I might never continue it from where I've left it. But I'd still love to hear what you think.
edit- I hope I fixed that paragraph. It was supposed to point out that the girl was willing to take her mother literally instead of accepting the actual meaning of her sentence. "Be good and obey your chimes" was supposed to be taken as two separate orders, "Be good" and "obey your chimes". But, I hope I made that meaning a little better. Her mom still wants her to grow up to be a good child, but she also wants her to be willing to leave at a moments notice....I'm making no more sense than my story...ARG!
A contest entry
- 1st chapter contest!!!! by Surreal Rhapsody.
175 points, ended January 11, 2008, 24 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - I'll Read Anything! by EphemeralStyle.
350 points, ended January 26, 2008, 19 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Is the fact that the title is after the first poem thing confusing?
Comments
1 - 24 of 24
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Ooooooh great beginning. You have some fantastic intensity and emotion here. Good vocabulary (definitely a plus) good flow, grammar and spelling.
If you want to separate the two phrases, 'be good' and 'obey your chimes', why not write the sentence as,
"Be good, and obey your chimes." A comma changes everything <3 You could also use "Be good... and obey your chimes," but it's not the same. Or, if the sentence is completely frustrating you, you could just re-write that part completely.
The fact that the title is after the first poem thing is not confusing, I thought it was great for dramatic effect.
This is really cool, and very original. I love fantasy based on the real world ^^ If all of the contest entries are like this, I'll have great difficulty judging
Fantastic imagery.
Eph
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^_^ Thanks, I'll probably just leave it with the added scentence about obaying her fauther too, I think it explians her views of her family dynamic more.... but I could be wrong. ^_^
I'm glad you liked it.
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"I breathe out bubbles. Black bubbles. Bubbles the color of the night that surrounds me."
BEAUTIFUL!!!
The intro paragraph is wonderful. I love how it starts out with simple, nothing sentences, and then gets more ocmplex as the speaker wakes up. One critique, however: I don't think "high school" needs a hyphen inbetween the two words.
“Happy Birthday, Sweetie!”
Did you really want Sweetie capitalized in this sentence? I don't think it's her name...
"and a guys’ T-shirt"
this should be "guy's" since it's only one guy.
"I note the time; 11:45 a.m."
This semicolon should be a colon.
"She was sunny when I needed dark. She was sweet when I needed sour. She was a Barbie, and I wasn’t ten anymore."
Very nice.
"crys a concerned Amanda"
should be 'cries'
"I don't WANT to wiat for the sun."
oops, that should be 'wait'. I really like this line, though. It seems to sum up the speaker's attitude very simply but eloquently.
"Mine is supposed to be differnt, special"
oops, 'different'
"man who lives in my mother[']s house."
"once I emerge form my realm of memory."
form should be from
I really like this piece. I think it definitely needs some editing (as stated above), but it's has such an awesome potential...go back and add punctuation, I think, because I didn't list the places where I would have put commas. Read it aloud, and notice where your voice naturally puts pauses. That will make the flow easier and the comprehension greater.
I am always so jealous of people that can make a good idea into a great story, even if it only involves five minutes of a person's life. I mean, this whole chapter would only take five minutes if one were to act it out, you know?!
Anyway, I digress. I like this, and I am off to read part two!
Thanks for a great read,
annye
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THANKS A TON!!
I will try to do that (read aloud) for the commas. I hope that if I fix them it will make it better.
^_^
Thanks again, and glad you enjoyed it.
Oh, even if it only took 5 min, of her life, it's taken... *thinks* 1 1/2 years of mine!?!?!
What's with THAT!?!?
^_^
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Very Good
This is really good. You really should put on more of the story. I really want to read it now! IT is fantastic, deatiled, and kept me enthralled all the way through. Amazing. Kais =)
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^_^ thanks alot! The next section's up if you're interested. It's "three deaths"
^_^
Thanks again
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lets try agu=ian:
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Sorry, still not working....
Don't worry about it. ^^
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Oh, yeah, and:
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and... what? *looks around curiously...*
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Yay!! Great story, still. I thoughtit would be rude not comment, so... HI!!!!
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^_^ Hi-ya.
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What a great story! Please put the rest of the story on this website; i want to hear what happens. no, scratch that; i need to know what happens!
The title and poem work together well so don't worry about it, it just adds a sort of mystery to the story, well that's what i got anyway.
Great Write, i encourage you to write the rest up!
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Thanks. I'm glad everyone seams to be liking it. I do have the next one up, if your interested. ^_^
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This was an amazing beginning! I want more! This story pulled me in from the beginning, I love it! What happens next?? I hope you continue this!
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If you really think that the rest is worth posting I will. But you should be warned, it gets more confusing before it makes more sence
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Oh my God, that was amazing. I was really really absorbed. I een had the t.v on in the room I was reading this in, b/c my little sister was watching it, and I still couldnt take my eyes off the computer. Awesome!!!!
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I'm glad it was that aborbing. I tried really hard to drag the readers in. I hate when the first sections are dull.
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"She was a Barbie, and I wasn’t ten anymore." I love that sentance. I love how the story randomly moves back and forth through time.
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Thanks. She really does live for the past right now. Did the random movment from past to present make it difficult to understand though? I mean, sometimes stories that do that are hard to follow....
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Wow. I mean holy... WOOW!!! This was compelling, interesting, with FANTASTIC wording, and an all out WONDERFUL chapter!!!
Seriously, this was amazing! And no, the title after that first paragraph isn't confusing, but sort of turns the paragraph into an intro, an interesting touch.
I do agree with bowie about that particular paragraph. It is confusing.
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I'm glad that you enjoyed it. I've been trying to fix it up for a while.
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[Be good and obey your chimes. Separately of course.” I nod. Mom always knew me too well. If she hadn’t said that last sentence, I would have only obeyed my chimes.] This part is confusing. Obey your chimes, separately, I would have only obeyed my chimes? Chimes is not singular, it is plural, so how can you obey something plural singularly? It makes no sense, and needs to be rewritten.
Over then that this actually reads very well. Its interesting. The opening is grabbing and dramatic, yet subtle. The character is developed ok, for a first chapter. The dialog could use a little work, it sounds a little play acted, but not overly. Overall I would say this is a good start, and I would look forward to reading more.
Rose.
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I hope I fixed those things a little, I tryed to.
Thanks alot for the help. I didn't even notice that paragraph was worded...oddly, even after all the times I've been over this thing *sigh*
Thanks again.
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