Underground in a hole

It had been four months since the accident. Jane lay in bed and watched TV today, the same as yesterday. Tomorrow the cast on her right leg would finally be removed and she could start physical therapy. She should have been excited to be up and moving around, but her mind was still at bay. The car accident, which took her husband’s life, played in her mind over and over as she stared at the yellow- papered walls. She tuned out and watched endless reruns and soap operas with pointless plots and sexual innuendos that would have normally pissed her off. Her mind would wander carelessly during commercials and return to a void when the show regressed. 1

She didn’t feel like resuming her life, or what was left of it. She didn’t even feel like moving. Getting up would require some sort of mental strength that she just wasn’t prepared to exert. She rolled over and sighed as she closed her eyes. Sleeping, but for a moment, felt like a vacation and waking up felt like the start of a bad dream. 2

“Luuuunch” her mom said in that annoying high-pitched voice she used to try to calmly prod her into doing things. 3

“I’m not hungry.” Jane said as she looked over the grilled cheese she had asked for. The cheese looked comforting as it oozed off the bread onto the plate and she decided to eat it anyway. She wasn’t a child anymore and after having her own daughter could now understand the pain she saw in her mother’s eyes when she upset her.4

“Will you go see Dr. Mulligan today?” her mother asked. 5

Dr. Mulligan was the attending psychiatrist found by her sister the last time she had gone through something like this. She had gone to see him twice this time, but didn’t plan to go back.6

“Mom, those drugs make me sick.” Jane said.7

She tried to listen to her mom explain how drugs having names with an overwhelming number of x’s and z’s in them could help her with her depression, but she wasn’t listening. She had been worse the last time, but had never taken drugs. She tried to remember what she had done to get out of her depression before and came up short for answers. It was like her emotions were suffering from amnesthia.8

“…… and Kim called today. Why don’t you call her back?” her mom asked.9

Kim was an old friend that she had lost touch with after meeting Johan. She had come over a few times while she was in the hospital. It had surprised her that she had actually comforted her after missing a huge gap in her life. 10

“I’ll call her later. I promise. Okay, mom?” she said with a bit too much irritation.11

“Okay. I’m going to the store,” she said pleasantly as she backed out the door.12

The sound of the door closing against the frame left a silence that lingered in the room for what seemed like a long time, only to be cut short by the sound of her own breathing. Her mom had turned the TV off and left the remote on the other side of the room. Damn! She would have to get up. But, her body didn’t move.13

She sighed and tried to close her eyes again, but she was still awake. Without warning, her mind fell on Satish. She saw the outline of his face and thick lips distinctly in front of her. It brought intense comfort and pain at the same time and she tried to snap back. It was too late. She had thought about him from time to time before, but suddenly she longed for him. She wondered what he must have thought had happened to her and if it had been too long. Maybe he had forgotten her already and moved on. He was arranging his marriage anyway and possibly her erratic behavior had somehow convinced him to tie the knot. She envisioned him standing at the altar with some cute Indian girl, both of them looking deeply into each other’s eyes and committing their love. The bit of fear that had produced this thought quickly converted into hope and a desire that this very thing would have occurred. It would have been better for both of them.14

It would have been hard, but not impossible for him to have known what had happened to her, but why hadn’t he come looking? Suddenly she was glad that he had seemingly let her slip away without a fight and confirmed what she had perceived to be true, that their time together was just for fun or some kind of relief from reality. She was escaping an abusive and insensitive husband and he, having fun with a stupid white girl before he moved on. How could he love her now, anyway? She felt like an old woman and hadn’t even cracked a smile in as many months. Any remnants of youth that he had known that took shape in an affair had been sucked out of her and replaced by semblance of a former self. She was a widow now and just the word brought about thoughts of blackness and death.15

Suddenly she felt like getting up and eating something more from the kitchen. Without even thinking about it, she grabbed her crutches and headed downstairs. Somehow she blamed him for loving her and taking her attention from her husband during his last years. She was experiencing so much pain, why shouldn’t everyone else? She wished there was some way she could know what he was up to without actually contacting him, but she knew she would just leave it at rest. She didn’t deserve him anyway. She didn’t deserve anything in this life and for the uncountable time that day reveled in the thought of her own death.16