Russian Roulette

“Let’s play Russian Roulette!” James exclaimed after which everyone brought a halt to their conversations and slowly turned to see James standing still, holding his fathers revolver.  “We’ll play with the regular rules except we don’t use empty slots, we use blanks to add some excitement.”1

“Stop messing around, this isn’t funny” Katherine looked stunned as she glared at James.  “I think we should just go.”2

“NO!” a sudden shout came from our commanding dictator, “You’ll all stay here and engage in this hour of fun, or I’ll shoot you as you head out the door.  They’ll only be one bullet within the revolving chambers and you pull until you get an effect.”3

Time stood still as the six of us formed a circle in the middle of his bedroom.  First sat Kathy then Kristine, Jonah, then Carmen James and I.4

“Six people, six presents.” was the only thing James would mutter for the next minute or two but, we all just sat there confused not sure what we should do next.  5

As we sat in this oblong circle all I could think about was the situation.  My friends have turned to my enemies.  Only looking out for their own well being, not caring whether anyone else was damaged through out this experience, only hoping they were one of the lucky five to walk away.  Or was only one of us the enemy, after all we weren’t the ones hosting this fatal wound just waiting to happen.  The gun has a mind of it’s own, it can choose any of us it wants to touch but, it can only choose one.  The only thing was, whom would it choose?  Or was it James that was the enemy?  Seeing as he is the one demanding we take part in this execution. 6

James tossed the gun to Kristine, and then announced that the game will go clock-wise, that would leave me to be one of the final three.  First would go Kristine and Jonah, then Carmen, James, Me, and ending with Kathy.  7

The room was so tense it was hard to tell weather people were frightened or stunned when Kristine glanced at Jonah and began endlessly talking about her relation with her beloved.8

“Do you remember,” she started just staring into her lap hosting an angry mob in her timid fist as if it were a doll, “when we all snuck in to the old house down the street?  Jonah was trying to open rear sliding door while we were looking for other ways into old wreck.  When we all returned to Jonah the first pane of glass had shattered into a brilliant design of tears and sadness, and we chipped it away as if it were nothing.  The wood still had carbon stains from the fire six years before.  What were we thinking!?  We didn’t even think about what would happen while we were dancing within it’s torn walls.  But, we got through it.  We got in when Carmen broke the kitchen window, climbed through and unlocked the half ridden door.  It was so fun just to admire the designs on the walls left from the fire, and to see what was left behind.  I don’t think they ever cleaned it out.  It was our own secret, our own place to go if we ever wanted a moment alone or if we just wanted each other around.”  We could see she was shaking.  “What ever happened to those days where we knew how to have fun, knew what to say and when to say it?  We always had each other to lean on.”  With that said she spun the guillotine and raised it to her chin.  She took a glance around the circle stopping at James and pulled the trigger.   9

The sound was deafening with all of us in an enclosed room but no one seemed to notice.  They just stared at Kristine as she threw her head back, rolled to her back and just blankly stared at the dresser to the left of James’ bed.  On top lay a photo we’d taken outside of Cibola High School, where we attended class, spent our whole day together.  Kristine, Jonah, Carmen, James, Kathy, and I standing there smiling by the gates.  Happy memories from our past.  She sat there and sang to herself as she handed Jonah the gun.  10

“One down, five to go.” He murmured as he glared at the face of Manson, “You know, you’ve always been a little morbid but, this is pushing it.”11

James just smiled, “Thank you for noticing.”12

Jonah spun the cartridge and screamed as he thrust the gun to his temple and pulled the trigger.  …  Click…  You just watched his eyes grow as the click sounded from the chamber.  Tears were forming in his eyes when lowered the gun to his feet.  He closed his eyes and sat there as we all were waiting anxiously, hoping he was the lucky one.  Jonah looked up opened his eyes and let a tear roll down his face as he slowly picked up the raven.  The gun was drawn pointing yet again to his temple.  He closed his eyes as a loud roar escaped from the bird’s mouth.  He dropped it and let out all of the repressed emotion.  Jonah turned around and faced the window.13

“No, if we have to sit in suspense having to view what happens next so do you.”  James voiced in a droned monotone.  “For that I should give you another turn, but just hand it to Carmen, sit and wait.  It’ll be fun.”14

“What do you mean by suspense?  I know I’m not the one, why should I have to sit here with you in site range?”15

“But, who will it be?” James was smiling.16

Jonah just sat there grumbling as he leaned forward on the stained white tile, grabbed the gun and put it in Carmen’s lap.  Her eyeliner was already smearing down her face from plagues of silent tears streaming to her side.17

“Wow, I never thought I’d end up looking at my friends with such hatred and love.”  Carmen’s voice was trembling,  “It’s crazy to think of how long we’ve known each other, us being in high school and all.  Since fourth grade, wow, you guys have no idea how much you’ve met to me or even to each other.”18

“Just shut up and do it!” our beloved Charlie vented through a face clouded with annoyance.19

Carmen spun the cartridge and just sat there smiling.  “We’ve known each other for so long and now we’re wishing death upon our closest friends.  What a loving place to be.”  20

I just wanted this to be over with,  “Carmen please…” I struggled to form the words but they came out a solitary tear.  “I hate this as much as you do but, we’ll all be better off once this is over.”21

“What do you mean we’ll all be better off?  We’re sitting here in a circle hoping for our best friends death in order to save our own.  We’re all probably going to need hospitalization after this from the stress and the trauma!”  She was bawling and screaming, glaring at me for my heartless comment.  All I could do was sit, cry and dwell, so I did.  “Do you even know how much you guys mean to me, Kristine, Jonah, anybody within this circle?  Even yourself?  How can you say we’d be better off?”  22

She spun the revolving dungeon one last time pointed at her chin from her lap and pulled the trigger with her left thumb.  Her eyes were strained by the emotion pouring; she just sat there before falling to her back and staring at the ceiling.23

“Take it.” And she motioned to James.24

I just sat there thinking about times past.  Trips to the county fair, playful times at the bowling alley not paying just going to see other friends, running from the police from soliciting outside the main doors just talking to our comrades.  Only six of us but we share so much in common.  We know everything about each other.  We were the first ones Jonah told about his homosexuality, we were the ones to couch him into how to tell his parents.  We were the ones that stood up for one another even if it wasn’t needed.  We’d defend each other until the last days of our lives and here we are, hoping the other dies so we’re able to survive.  25

With only three of us left, the tension grew between the final three.  James, yours truly, and Kathy. 26

“Kathy, are you ok?” The first words Kristine had spoken since her brief moment of stardom.  “You’re shaking.”  Kristine hugged Kathy and rocked back and fourth stroking her hair trying to calm her down.  27

“It’ll be ok.” I said, “I know you’ll be ok, not a single one of us deserves this, you know who’s going to be the one.”  I glared at James as he smiled.28

“Is that so Josh?  How are you so sure?  Am I just radiating of my own death?   I can hear Vivaldi’s ‘Requiem Mass’ playing at my funeral now. Ah… the relaxing sound or maidens singing with men of class.  Flutes trilling, screaming above the rest of the symphony.  I’ll make this quick and simple.”  James flung the gun to his temple giving us room enough to see the three inches between the barrel and his left hand.  Click.  His eyes grew wide as if he knew what to expect.  Click.  That infernal dreaded sound.  29

“For this you’ll the brown to the suicide forest to grow with the other trees.” Yelled Jonah.  “I hope a lost wonderer breaks off your final branch and watches you waste to a hallow oblique of dense emotion!”  With his final thrust his eyes were tightly clenched.  He was blocking memories; we could see it in his expression.30

As the gun went off we sat there stunned.  Not a single person had their eyes on him at the sound of the fire.  Slowly we all turned to see him lying on the floor motionless, his eyes still tightly closed.  31

“HERE!” he yelled throwing the pressure into my lap. “There’s only two of you left, have fun.  Just so you know you guys mean a lot to me but nothing excludes you from the rules.”32

“Oh yea…” mocked Jonah, “I love you guys, but I’m going to force you to your death so I can forever deal with the guilt of being the cause of my only friend’s suicide.  How nice of you James.  I’d do the same for you.”  He rolled his eyes.33

“You know,” I mumbled, “this shouldn’t be too hard.  I’m on suicide watch at school and I’ve attempted more than once.  I don’t know why this is so hard for me.  I don’t even want to touch it, but for the seventeen years of my life this is the first time I’ve ever actually felt the love secrete from your hearts.”  I spun the revolving chambers.  Only two left, fifty-fifty.  My eyes were dripping of fear, sadness, love and devotion as I took a glance around my circle of friends.  Kathy still rocking with Kristine, Jonah just staring into the center of the circle, tears streaming down his face, Carmen lying and crying and James with his eyes closed, tears forcing their way out of humble host.  As I raised the gun I smiled, just to show there are no negative feelings toward anyone, not even James.  Because of him we’re closer together.  Click…  My smile faded.  “I hate this.” Click.  I knew a testimony was due so I looked at Kristine and Kathy rocking back and fourth, their eyes locked with mine.  I closed my eyes aimed for my temple and there it was.  My moment to shine, come and gone without a single confession from me.  34

I opened my eyes to see Kathy bawling into Kristine’s shoulder.  No one spoke.  I just handed the gun to Kathy and sat in silence.  Kristine let go of her grip, shaking and crying Kathy picked up the gun and looked at James.  He was still lying there motionless and still. 35

“James,” said Kathy, “I want you to see this.  I want you to see me for me.  I want you to see what I think of me.  You were the one I’ve always liked and for this I thank you.  I know we all care for each other and I know you don’t want this, but I still want you to see this.”36

Everyone was sitting in the circle staring at Kathy.  She’d always hated having too much attention and you could see it in her clouded eyes.  Her eyes were wide with no movement.  Click, the first pull.  No one moved they just sat there staring.  37

I knew we were all thinking the same thing.  I love you.  Click, the second pull.  She dropped the gun and just started to cry.  38

“I don’t know what to say.  I can’t think of anything.” her final words.  She reached for the gun but was beaten by James’s thrust.39

“You guys know something?  I hate myself for this, but I don’t regret it.”  He said as he stuttered through his words.  “Thank you.  I’m sorry.  I love you.”  The final blast was worst than the first.  All we could do is sit there and stare at the lifeless limbs keeled over before us.  The wall, the lonely floor, a vast amount of emotion in the room.  No one spoke, no one moved, no one even cried.  We just sat there and stared at our best friend remembering the words just said.40

“Thank you.  I’m Sorry.  I love you.”41