I’m your average typical teenage loser. I’m not buff enough to be a jock, not smart enough to be a nerd and not cool enough to be somewhere in between! So…where am I? Well I’m standing in a chicken suit trying not to swear as kids kick me in the shins. 2
Not the best job I know but hey, it’ll pay off. Eventually. But, really, why do I bother? My mum buys food, my dad buys cable and well, I don’t really use my money. It sits in my pocket until someone takes it off me. But I’m getting ahead of myself. My name is Michael Morgan, not that anyone ever calls me that. I’m called stuff like weirdo, chicken, wuss, girl…seriously no one had imagination anymore. Either do I but I’m working on it.3
Why is it that if a guy cries or fidgets when bashed to a pulp he’s called a girl then bashed more. But if a girl bashes a guy she’s not called a boy? Instead everyone backs away…slowly….4
My sisters a guy basher. Just, no one really knows it. Lillie, my four year old sister, is 40cm of pure evil. Mainly because I’m classified as a wimp because my little sister is stronger than I am. Yes, she may look like an innocent, peaceful little girl but as soon as you turn your back on her, all hell breaks loose. And she’s got the mouth of a person who’s lost all his cash on a bet. Yeah, except I’M the one who is responsible! Yeah right! I don’t even know what half the stuff she says means! 5
Yep, Lillie is….someone you don’t want to mess with! Why is it that if a girl hits a guy hard she’s either considered tough or the person backs off but if a guy hits a girl super soft, he’s called a girl basher and all of a sudden he’s evil and everyone hates him? He gets bashes, she gets praised. And girls say THEY get assaulted? Yeah, and I’m George Washington! Its discrimination I tell you! Makes me sick!6
Sick. I hate being sick. You spend the night tossing and turning in a pool of darkness. Every bit of sound echoes in a forever booming sound of thunder. It’s too hot to be undercover yet too freezing to just lie on the bed. Your sickness haunts you and causes pain so terrible you can’t sleep. And then you find out sleep is the only thing that cures you and as much as you want it to disappear, it’s here to stay. Also if you’re out sick for more than a day, all the guys call you a pansy. A week and you are a girly pansy. Break your leg and they’ll break your arm. You still think girls get it hard?!? 7
The only bad thing that happens to girls is not being able to vote. Which a) has been abolished and
isn’t a bad thing because everyone knows that politicians mess with the votes anyway. Stupid politicians. Stupid people who believe the stupid politicians. Just a bunch of stupid people and stupid lies. Stupid, stupid, stupid. I love the word stupid. It sounds funny AND insults people! How much better can you get?8A wise man was once asked, what is the most complicated thing you have faced. The man replied: girls. OK maybe I exaggerate but hey, when the story gets passed down for years, it’s going to change! Anyway, back to subject. Girls are so weird. And they are hypocrites! Yes, I speak the truth! I’ve seen the light, ladies and gentlemen! Can I get an Amen? Or chocolate? A brothers gotta eat. 9
Girls are awesome but well, confusing! They say guys are confusing! What is confusing? Seriously, guys are simple. With guys it’s like, whoa that chicks hot, but with girls its like : if he picks my books he loves me, if he doesn’t ring he hates me. A guy never knows when he does anything wrong!10
I probably do everything wrong. That’s what my mum said. She used to be so encouraging. 11
“Michael! If you don’t clean your room, you’ll never amount to anything!” 12
“Michael! Feed the dog or else when you’re older you’ll starve to death.”13
Yes, my mum was so encouraging. Especially seeing as I was only 5….14
If we are like 70% water, how come when you cut yourself, blood comes out not water? And don’t try and tell me it’s like cordial because blood doesn’t taste like water. And I should know…..15
Top three things I hate: 16
1. Post offices17
2. Junk mail18
3. Those families on junk mail with there stupid “I’m on TV!” cheesy smiles. 19
Why must junk mail lie to us? It already shows us everything that we want but can’t afford. Why must it tempt us further? 20
I’ve always wanted to be like those families in junk mail. The happy parents, happy kids, spending special father-son time together. My dad’s idea of father-son time is sitting on the balcony with a nice cold beer as I, the son, mows the lawn for him. And no father-son day is complete without the father getting all the credit! What does the son get? Well the son gets to clean the garage, fix the toilet and whipper snip the lawn. The fun times never stop! 21
As for the happy kids…you’ll never catch me and Lillie acting like that. Not even if we were being paid. She’d act all sweet, kick me in the shins then when I go to get back at her I get caught and get told off. 22
“Michael! Don’t you dare lay a finger on my darling Lillie! She didn’t do anything wrong! Don’t you give me that face! That’s it! Go to your room Michael! NOW!” yes, that is an actual conversation straight from my mum’s mouth. Darling Lillie oh I’ll show you who’s darling alright…if I only knew how... 23
I love father-son shoe shopping. Yeh, it sounds seriously gay. I know what ya thinking, next he’ll be saying his favourite colour is pink and be dancing around the house singing I’m a Barbie Girl. Well, it’s not like that. I don’t like the shopping, or the shoes, I like what we bring home. Still confused? Last time dad and I went shoe shopping, we went to this sports shop and came home with a soccer table. Boy mum was mad! 24
Other great father son times would be when Dad and I went to get our haircut. I know, boring, but not really. See Mum told me not to get a certain haircut. But she wasn’t around. So I got the haircut and Dad, not knowing that Mum said no, let me have the cut I wanted. Man, Mum was so mad. She won’t let us out of her sight with cash any more. Lillie kept laughing at us, saying my haircut was gay so I snuck into her room and chopped her hair off. 25
Ever felt like your life is over? That everything is pointless and hopeless? That no matter what you do or say, you are trapped forever. Doomed to stay entombed. You spend your nights tossing and turning, ending up staring at the ceiling till 6am. That’s my life currently. Been that way since Christmas. That’s what I get. So unfair. My sister gets a great new haircut and I get sent to prison. Or my room. Either way, it sucks. 26
Even though I have no reason to be out and about. I don’t have a girlfriend and all my friends have gone on holiday vacations. Our holiday vacations are, again, me mowing the lawn while everyone watches. Fun? Very. How do you get a girlfriend anyway? If you approach them, they giggle, if you don’t they think you hate them. It is so hard just to ask a girl out. Then you keep thinking, is my hair OK, this shirt good? Basically you turn into a girl-in-training thinking about your appearances. Or at least, this is what I think. When you’re short, stumpy and pimple infested, it’s hard to get a girl to even look at you.27
Again, girls say guys are complicated. Guys are like, “eh, what’s up? I think you’re hot. Let’s hang out.”28
Girls say “Um...hi...I was wondering if your not busy…this is so stupid but would you maybe like to see a movie…I don’t know if you like me…but it might be fun…we could get to know each other..maybe..” It could go on for another 10mins, you might want to back off.29
And when you do, they tell their friends and all of a sudden you’re public enemy number 1. How many friends do girls have?!?!?!? They don’t hang around together but when one is in trouble, they all unite. But guys, if one is in trouble, the others laugh. Haha. You broke your arm. Haha. Now kids are kicking you. Hahahahahahaha! 30
Why is everyone fussed about the future? Today I ate spaghetti, tomorrow I eat pizza. There’s my future. Not hard to imagine. Yet, people still aren’t clear about it. Not only is fortune telling so stupid, it’s also racist. I mean how many guys do you see telling fortunes and looking at those card thingys? None! They say only girls have the talent. It’s a huge scam anyway. I reckon it would be a cool job. Being paid to tell people they will get a zit or die or fall in love sounds pretty good. Like being an author. You make up the answers anyway. 31
And those who get it correct cheat. They all cheat. Stupid cheaters. Stupid cheaters with their stupid cheating. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. It’s those people hat ruin the best things in life, like a game of poker. Its stupid cheating idiots like them that recently got me grounded AND lost my allowance. 32
My mum doesn’t approve of gambling. My dad does. Sometimes he takes me and my little bro, Jake, down to the pub with him. Jake is 2 years old so when I was bored of looking after him, I sat him in front of the pokies with a couple of bucks.33
Didn’t hear from him for a whole hour. Best $10 I’ve ever spent. 34
Of course, mum didn’t think so. Lets just say that there isn’t even a word for how busted I was. And if there was, no one would use it. It would be like a forbidden word. 35
You know, that’s basically all my mum does, gets angry with me. And cleans, and cooks, and irons….she does a lot but hey! I do the mowing! Ok. I don’t really have a proper argument do I? I wish I did. Then things would be different. Then there would be a change. Oh yes. Yes indeed. 36
In class we were talking about what we did when we were kids. Most said they wanted to be pirates or wizards. All I wanted was a bar of chocolate and the TV. Not that I’m fat or anything, I’m just chubby. 37
Everyone says be creative, be yourself, speak your mind blah, blah, blah. But what if I don’t want? What if my truth is lies anyway? What if myself just isn’t good enough? What if when I’m creative, people tell to not quit my day job? What if when I speak my mind, no one listens? 38
Truth is I’m happy about who I am. But I’m no different from the next pimple infested wannabe. 39
Originality is Copyright. 40
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