me, myself, and matt (based on actual events)

*i can only when i talk about Matt, think of happy memories rather than the unfortunate turn of events that happened in months to come. he took little pieces of my puzzle and just like the ones i buy from cvs, that puzzle was useless to begin with. But i thought he filled in the blank spots when in reality, he removed every piece little by little....1

he was the first person i had sex with, the first person to see me at my most vulnerable point and he will always have that against me2

please forgive me for i am only remembering, reminiscing of old times we shared...............3

The silliest part had to be the fact that i stayed up till dawn with anticipation of seeing Matt....(as most of you know Matt lives in good old Illinois and i of course reside here in chelmsford. Almost every poem for the past 4/5 months has been on the subject of him and i can't help it.) Anyway i had picked out my clothes, packed everything i owned and was still bored with anxiety. The worst part was not knowing how things would go, what we would do or what i would say. I only knew i would hug him until my arms literally gave out. I seriously thought i loved this kid. And i bet at one time i really did....4

Getting to the airport was easier said than done since we had to go to Boston and wait in line for an hour just to get checked in. I tend to loose it at these moments and go crazy. Either i laugh uncontrollably or become sarcastic as hell. This of course intensifies whenever i consume mountain dew. My leg wouldn't stop shaking so i walked up and down the airport while my mom snored on a chair by our gate. Picture a redheaded girl of about 16 wandering around aimlessly trying to pass time until she could see her soul mate, and that's just what i looked like to strangers. I could not find any single reason to be unhappy. Believe me, i tried.5

I made sure i used the restrooms before take off as i have a tendency to have to go every five minutes. That is what i am told by my friends. But i just can remember sitting down in my seat next to some random woman who was already snoring it up and thus deciding to blast my headphones for the entire 2 and a half hours. I bet i must have been funny, i was constantly talking to myself and then bobbing my head to led zeppelin. That's me i guess. I always notice the little funny things and take pleasure in them whenever i am happy. That is, at times, rare.6

Matt and our friend Drew were supposed to meet my mother and I at o'hare airport in Chicago. How quickly that changed. Not even a minute after touchdown, my cellphone beeped and i had a voice mail. It was Matt explaining how sorry and upset he was, but he was unable to share that romantic moment when i first stepped onto solid ground with me. I was to say utterly pissed because i had spent the last 5 minutes of the flight redoing makeup, hair and anything, i would have even done the woman's makeup beside me if she had been sleeping still. however, this was only the beginning.7

Stepping out of the gate, it all kinda became real in the sense i wasn't in my  comfortable little habitat anymore. Yes i had lived in Illinois in the past, but it changed so much within 10 years. Everywhere i turned, there was a new walmart or curves for women. I had to shake my head at that. 8

By now, though, i was extremely nervous and making random jokes at everything i saw. I found every single thing funny. My mom and i, however, do not have the same sexual, sarcastic sense of humor... so my  boisterous laughs would go unshared. The car ride was a wonderful and i mean wonderful experience. ( i hope you can note the sarcasm in my tone of voice) We got this little compact Toyota thingy that was obviously older than me. I had to bring a gigantic bag of clothes with me, which didn't fit in the trunk. I also bring more stuff than i need, i am simply paranoid. But i will be the only one one of these days that is ready for nuclear war.9

It took two hours to drive form Chicago to Rockford; they were the two longest hours, i believe, of my life...You can't even imagine the emotions jumping around inside my body. But try to envision the feeling of knowing you are getting something you have wanted so long, thought you would never have, and now, finally receiving. I was getting a man i cared for beyond simple words. I was getting rid of my lonely, nightly, bedroom chats with my non-responsive blank ceiling. I was, to say, elated.10

Every song that came on the radio was a good one, except "hit me baby one more time"; not even my good mood could make it seem better. At one point i decided to call Matt once again to check on our plans for the day. His phone was busy....and i panicked.....i had come sooooo damn far!11

And his freeekin phone was busy. Call waiting, god i love call waiting. Anyways, my mom, being the loverly woman she is, decided to go to the hotel on the other side of Rockford. i was so close to the finish line, i could see it, and then she had to go and trip me where i stood. I fell on my face, as you could say. So i basically had to go along and check into my room, get settled, then make a mad dash for Matt's house, tackle him to the ground and kiss him till my lips and his were numb. Yea, that was how it would go, sure thing.12

Finally as i held my cellphone to my ear with my hands shaking, i heard his beautiful voice. I had no clue where to go, so he directed me through Illinois. The funniest thing was how we arranged to meet up and then follow him to his house. We went past three streets, took a left,  ended up in a little park and pulled into the dirt road. I was too anxious to stay inside our little foreign death trap, thinking he would drive right past us on his motorcycle. So, i hopped out of the car and sat on the hood. I was hysterical to see, everyone who drove by stared. But i don't think I took much notice. Then i heard a noise, a motorcycle pulling around the corner, it was black with a boy in the seat, this was it, it was him.......i went berserk!!!!!13

i had to brace myself against our little Toyota because i suddenly felt all my limbs go numb. The feeling was actually something i know i will remember for quite a long time. Knowing how close we were at one point, and finally gazing my eyes upon him as he drove into he parking lot, i couldn't contain myself but managed to keep my composure.14

" hey could u help me, I'm looking for a Matt Englund, do you know where i can find him?", i responded to my mysteriously familiar rider.15

"Shut up, its me", he answered with that grin, i hadn't seen it before but i knew it was him just from that alone.16

And with that i hopped back into the car and he sped away to lead us through Rockford to his humble abode.17

To this day, whenever i pass through certain areas of Massachusetts and new Hampshire, the neighborhoods remind me of his, and they take me back to those mid august days.18

I noticed my mom going only 25 and we were loosing him, it took every last bit of energy i had not to yell and scream at her. She was and still is the worst driver. Picture someone in front of you going 20 mph in a 35 mph zone, simply watching the scenery and not the road. That's my mom. That's her to a tea.19

We pulled into his drive way at a dead end, and i didn't even wait till the car stopped. I bolted from my past onto the beautiful eyes of hopefully the beginning of something....wonderful. Silly me, i am always hopeful...sometimes too hopeful.20

I almost tripped right into his arms. God did it feel good just to stand there so simply in his presence. We, as humans, tend to forget the little things we take for granted that are overpowered by our emotions.21

"Woa there, calm down ren," he said.22

I laughed and suddenly remembered my mom was standing beside the car watching us like a blood-thisty hawk.23

Matt thus decided to take my mom and I to meet his parents. I remember walking to the front step and the feeling of gliding, loosing my balance, except this time he was there to hold me up. All i wanted was for him to be able to hold me and keep me from falling further. And I had it in my grasp. But after three days, i would leave it behind in a small rundown town and walk down the aisle of that same Delta plane. These toughts never left my mind.24

After the meet and greet my mom needed to go see some old neighbors in a town about a half an hour away called Batavia. So she said she'd be back at 7:30. I had five hours to myself with matt. Just me, myself, and matt.25

The most memorable visions that play in my head now are the ones where we walked down the streets, stopping form time to time to touch the other and make sure we weren't dreaming.26