The young girl stood up. She had no idea where she was, no recollection of where she came from. She couldn't even remember who she was. Her hair was dark brown and long enough to reach her hips, and she was dressed in a white beautiful dress, though a little torn and stained with mud and dirt. Her hands, face and chest, the visible parts of her, were all extremely pale. The only color in her face was that of her faded red lipstick and the black mascara that followed her tears down her cheek. Apart from her dress, the only other things she wore was a silver necklace in the shape of a cross, and a ring of beautiful white flowers on her head.
Bloodstains were also visible on her dress, leading her to cry even more than she had when she fist awoke.1
She looked around, but she was in a dark room, cracks in the wall serving as her only source of light. Wanting to get out of the room, she stood up from the comfortable surface she had been lying on. But as she stepped barefoot onto the cold stone floor, she fell over. Her legs just wouldn't carry her. But she tried again, and again, and eventually she managed to stand up, barely. She walked towards one of the sources of light, hoping it was emerging from beyond a door. She felt the wall with her fingertips, but nothing in the wall felt remotely like a door.
She touched the crack from which the light emerged with her fingernails, and tried to pry it open. But alas, the only result was the painful breaking of several fingernails. Not willing to give up, she walked towards another of the sources of light, though again she found herself unable to find any opening resembling that of a door. But at her third try, at a much smaller source of light, she found that the massive stone wall moved slightly when she leaned to rest on it. She then started pushing with all her might, and the stone-door slowly succumbed to her efforts. But it was heavy, and it took the young girl several hours to get it open enough for her to squeeze through.2
The second she got outside, the light from the sun blinded her completely. Her eyes burned and her tears was the only thing that suppressed the pain. After slowly opening her eyes, she adapted to the light, and found that she was in an opening, surrounded by dark woods. In front of her stood several buildings equal to the one she had just escaped from, and hundreds of graves were spread across the place, surrounding the buildings on every side. At first, she just wanted to get out of there, to run out of the woods. But then she remembered how hard a time she had just had getting out of her stone-prison, and she saw that every other stone-building was closed. The thought of there being others trapped in them quickly crossed her mind, and she wanted to help them. She ran over to one of the buildings, and started pushing the door. It seemed to be alot easier from the outside, and it was done in a few minutes.3
She ran inside the stone-structure, and smiled as she thought about seeing someone else. As her memory was blank, she couldn't remember the last time she had talked to anyone, or even seen anyone else. She noticed that the only thing in the room, was a coffin. She hesitated, but eventually opened the coffin. She could see from the material in it, that it was in such a coffin she had rested herself, only hours ago. But the one resting in this coffin, was a skeleton. A skeleton with pieces of rotted skin hanging here and there, with materials of a decomposed gown lying beneath it. The girl screamed and ran out of the room, which she now recognized as a tomb. Tears ran down her face more rapidly than ever, and her screeching and broken voice filled the air.
As she screamed, dark birds emerged from the woods, and flew crying into the sky.
A contest entry
- My Awesome Contest! by Seria.
260 points, ended December 24, 2007, 12 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - The Calling of all Fantasy & Dark Writers by Dark Wanderer.
350 points, ended December 26, 2007, 7 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Oh My Goth!!! by asthray.heart.
324 points, ended January 4, 2008, 19 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Short Stories! by Peachy.
450 points, ended June 21, 2008, 25 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 22 of 22
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Awsome
I like your dicrptios and it's easy to imagen all of this in my head
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Now, I know read this before... but apparently forgot to leave a comment (which seems to rarely happen so that's weird)... anyways, I'm commenting now 
Your descriptions are well done. I could easily visualize the images throughout. It was creepy and you left a neverending mysteriousness through your words.
p1: fist=first
Otherwise, I didn't catch any other mistakes.
This was really good and I believe I'd be interested in seeing this fleshed out more... I'm fascinated to know what happened to the girl before she ended up there, and what happened to her after she got out.
I loved the closing line especially. A dark ending for a creepy story
excellent work.
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Ugh.
If that ever happens to me, I don't know, but I'll be severely creeped out.
Poor girl.
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wow. this sounds very vampire like. i loved this peice. you could make it longer by saying she finds her maker or say she runs into her family.maybe she regonizes them when she sees them. they freak out. then she could meet her maker and remember everything when she see him.ether way very good story
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wow i really liked it i think it had very good imadery though one thing to keep in mind it seemed weired the second stanza due to the and the or then but other then that it was an outstanding story keep up the good work
beginning: 2, language: 3, plot: 3, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
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wow this was really really creepy!! Its kinda confusing though. Is or was she dead, or something like that? Anyways this was very entertaining and totally awesome! GReat Job!
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Macabre And quite damn creepy. I certainly would not like to wake up thinking i was alive then finding out i was really a rotten corpse! Love the description-really vivid and it flowed well too, pace was fine, but there are two things.
1-"she had when she fist awoke." fist=first
2-maybe you could some hint in as to why she's dead/what/who killed her.
Otherwise, it's really good.
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This was excellent!
Not really much more I can say except for what I've said already.
Screen name in AN please.
Good Luck!
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Guess who?
Haha, yeah, back after work.. well, just for abit anyway..
Mads, you know I almost always end up interpreting things so much differently from other people. And this one.. wow.. haha, I can quite imagine a person (who didn't want to die) DYING, and then "waking" up in her tomb, still thinking she is alive.
I wonder if all of us would have a similar fate, if we end up hanging on too much to the life that we really are meant to leave?
Anyway... Mads, great work.
It's not the happiest pieces to read at this time (night time, haha), and thankfull, I won't dream of a ghost later.
Take care and thanks for sharing the read with us.
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A dark piece ...
This was interesting. Does this mean that the girl was dead, and has come back to life. Or was she alive when she was put there. A lot of questions go through my mind after this piece. As it says in many comments below, the description is well done. Especially of the place she awoke in. I did sometimes find myself getting a bit confused, but then the next sentence usually fixed that. Good read
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This is very descriptive and the last line is beautifully written. I didn't quite understand and I thought it was a bit unfinished. I also understood she wasn't dead when buried but she woke later. I would like to know more history of the place she is in and why. I think this has a lot of potential and would love to read more of this story. I would like to get to know the character also. I love the way you end it though as though they understand her torment and are with her in it.
Thanks for entering!
WritingFree -
It's well-written and quite descriptive, I enjoyed reading it. I must say though, it's kind of confusing. The way I understood it, she wasn't actually dead when she was buried, she awoke after being put there. She manages to get out and then realizes she's in a graveyard and she's the only survivor. I don't know, in a way, it feels somewhat unfinished, but in a way, I like how the clue of the story is left to the reader.
Good job!
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AWESOME! Really cool! You had me reading this attentively..
Keep it up.
/Sara -
Wow that's so awesome. Great Wrirte. You gave such a great description i loved every bit of it. ^_^ Keep it up.^_^
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Great description! When she first got out of the tomb and looked around I realized that she 'was' dead. Right? Seeing as how you dont give the reader the idea that someone put her in there for any other reason. I like the idea of her waking up from eternal rest, her screaming at the end makes it such a sad and beautiful conclusion. I love it.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Thanks for entering the contest!
Hi, thanks for entering the contest.
When I first read this story, I found it a little confusing, but as it neared its end, I realized it for what it truly was. And when that realization hit me, I HAD to go and read it a second time. My verdict? This is a really well-written piece, for everything made perfect sense when I read it the second time around.
And yes, it reminded me of the time when I first read Dracula...I hadn't had the same feeling for a long time now. Kudos to you for this!
Good luck for the contest, and keep writing!
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This doesn't seem completed and is rather confusing, but I do like your descriptions. Good luck in the contest!
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somehow you've come up with yet another masterpiece. this is amazing, Mads! i like how your stories make me think, look past the beautiful words into some deeper meaning.
the only mistake i could find was "Her eyes burned and her tears was the only thing that suppressed the pain."
i think it should be "her tears WERE the only thingS"
keep writing!
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This was hmm...Moving is the word i think i want. Inspiration even. The ending was pretty depressing. This story makes me wonder why she was in the prison and why she was so dirty. If she was in a prison how come no one was watching her? shouldn't there be like guards? well this is really good so keep writing.
This is probably random but her dress reminds me of this girl in this band. In one of her videos she's wearing a dress like the one the girl was wearing. -
this is good, i really like it
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The ending is sort of obvious knowing the categorizations. And even without them, I'd say it becomes pretty clear around the word 'coffin' appearing for the first time.
All the description of the girl's supposed suffering are visual. This makes it, at least to me, somewhat detached, and hard to relate to. It reads like some kind of sadistic pornography. Pain is beautiful, and beautiful people in pain double so. If this was the intention, it works. -
Oh my goodness.
This is absolutely scary, but written, as always, extraordinarily.
I got absorbed into this immediately, and the plot is absolutely fabulous.
You ARE writing more, aren't you?
If you do, I'd love to read it.
This is just...wow. The ending was a huge surprise, how it was the coffin like the one she was in.
This is just absolutely wonderful. I know that all of your works are, but this especially.
The backround goes well with it, too, I think.
I very much enjoyed this, anyway.
I'm Taylor, by the way.
This was featured, and of course you wrote it, so I decided to give it a read. I'm glad I did.
xoxo
-♥-
Tay
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