A Christmas Tale

Back in the mid 1970’s I had only just began primary school and still believed the propaganda that is pedalled to all children of a certain age. Namely that a fat, bearded, jolly type chappy, dressed in a red suit, would squeeze down the chimney in the dead of the night and deliver the goodies for Christmas morning. On the proviso that, I had of course, been a and I quote “Good boy!”1

Top marks to the parental school of smoke and mirrors for that one. My entire primary one school class aided and abetted by our own parents and the schools teaching staff were whipped up in to a complete frenzy waiting on the big day to roll around. For what seemed like weeks and weeks we spent each school day afternoon cobbling together all manner of festive tat. Which and again I quote directly from my first ever schoolteacher, the extremely strict Mrs. Simpson; we could “Take home and decorate our bedrooms with!” 2

Top marks to her in the “Here’s one I made earlier” department.3

Multi coloured crepe paper was folded and glued together to form a seemingly never-ending cascade of piss poor garlands. All manner of glitter encrusted dross was draped precariously from bedroom ceilings the length and breadth of the land. Even the do gooders who presented the television equivalent of Sunday school a.k.a. Blue Peter were at it. Openly encouraging all of its impressionable young viewer ship to make and hang a “ Christmas Star!”4

This so called “Christmas Star!” was basically two metal coat hangers, these were then bent together, covered in gold tinsel, prior to and I kid you not, a candle being placed at each of the stars points and then hung by a hook from the ceiling. There were five candles in all, which you were suppose to, according to messer’s Judd, Purves and Noakes who hosted the show “Light one for each day in the run up to Christmas!”5

These pyromaniacs clearly disliked their viewers immensely, as should anyone have been feeble minded enough to have actually done their bidding, I fear a small house fire, if not an actual towering inferno and trip to the local casualty department would have been the only gift they would have received that Christmas. 6

That year I had written a very polite letter to Mr. Clause a.k.a. Santa, to lay his mind at rest as to my conduct over the year, reassuring him that I had indeed held up my side of the bargain by being the aforementioned “Good boy!” So it now fell to him to deliver, on the due date, under the Christmas tree, one Liverpool Football Club home jersey, a pair of shin guards and wait for it, again I kid you not, a boomerang.7

We always spent Christmas at my Grandparents house, which was always fantastic as they spoiled me rotten. This being the 1970’s meant that people did not have televisions in their bedrooms. So my Grandad would move the T.V. from the front room, where all the family would be gathered, and set it up in their bedroom where I could watch all of the usual festive rubbish without disturbing the grownups. Their bedroom although usually televisionless did have, a real coal fire, which was always roaring to guard against the outside wintry chill. My Grandparents also used the extra wardrobe in their bedroom as an impromptu wine cellar, storing all of the alcohol for the entire festive period therein. 8

Scene set?9

Job done?10

Excellent.11

It was mid afternoon on Christmas day and I was sitting on the end of there bed, swinging my legs while admiring my new shin guards, modelling said Liverpool shirt, drinking blackcurrant cordial mixed with lemonade, eating masses of crisps and watching the arse end of the film Oliver Twist, when an idea sprang in to my young mind.12

I’m having a great time; I thought to myself, how could I make it better? I know I’ll try some of that wine malarkey my family are all tipping down as they all seem to be having an even better time than me.13

Before all of you do gooding, tree hugging, liberal types start wringing your hands in sheer disbelief at my lack of parental supervision or my seemingly scant regard for the jackboot that usually represents adult authority, let me put your minds at rest. My mother, despite my tender age, had already given me a very strict and authoritarian talking to about the consumption of alcohol; it’s effects on the human body and the perils therein.14

The trouble was that sat sitting there donning the shirt of my idols I was not about to kowtow, obey the rules or be conventional. I would not put up with this flagrant demonstration of parental nimbyism. One day I would be a top goal scorer and would therefore need to be able to handle the booze.15

I’d best get some practise in. No time like the present.16

Oh spoons!17

I leapt down from the bed and pulled open the wardrobe door, there before my eyes was, as I though at the time, every conceivable alcoholic beverage known to mankind. In retrospect there was a couple of cases of lager along with vast quantities of whisky and wine. The wine was not in bottles however, no, no, this being the seventies boxes of wine were very much en vogue, so I fetched an already opened one out.18

These wine boxes weighed a ton, especially for a six year old, it took a double handed effort on my behalf, to wrangle the awkward bastard over and on to a small low table sitting next to the fireplace. I gulped down the last of my blackcurrant cordial concoction, placed my glass on the floor directly under the plastic tap, which dispensed the wine form the box and used both my small thumbs to depress the tap. I eventually managed to half fill my glass with finest Riesling.19

I took a first very tentative sip. Yeah gad this stuff tasted like what I imagined cat’s piss would have. Still I had to persevere, as how could I handle whisky if I could not handle a simple glass of white wine? Which incidentally my Grandad had taken the time and gone into in great depth to explain to me how this was a “Poofs drink!”20

Not being aware of the mechanics of what actually being a poof entailed I laughed along with my uncles as they all found this most amusing.21

Anyway back to the bar.22

I grasped the nettle and gulped the whole glass down. The room at that point started to go a bit fuzzy and I felt a very pleasant warm glow come over me. I refilled the glass and took another huge mouthful; this stuff isn’t half bad I thought, I would be on the whisky in no time.23

Just then the bedroom door swung open.24

Doom.25

There standing in the doorway was my mother who judging by the look upon her face was not best pleased with my festive wine quaffing antics.26

“Oh my god! He’s drunk!” she shouted as she removed the glass from my hand and scooped me up all in one motion. I was then taken to the kitchen where my mother administered the dreaded cup of warm salty water, which promptly made me projectile vomit thus cleansing the alcohol from my system.27

A brief lie down and then the sharpest of lectures by all of the senior members of the household. The booze surprise surprise had been moved to a cupboard where young short arms as yet could not reach.28

Following this debacle on writing the following years letter to Mr. Clause, I must confess I did have my doubts about the likelihood of him pitching up at all. However my fears were allayed upon the discovery of a 6ft pool table secreted below my mother’s bed a good seven days before the big day itself.29

Clause your a fucking charlatan.30

Author notes

Unfortunatley this is again all ashamidly true and only certain minor details have been changed to protect the guilty.

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 20 of 20

  • flowerbee1234
    January 17

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    This is funny. I like how it's at a Christmas party, and you're explaining to me what it's like. Great job, and good luck in the contest!


  • Lady Eventide Greeters member
    January 1

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    Oh, this was great! Rather humorous, though I don't think I've ever done such a thing. Yeah, right!

    Anyway, I really liked that I could imagine a drunk kid and his mother staring in at him. Classic! Good job and good luck.


  • Neolittlefish
    December 18, 2008

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    I laughed all the way through that seriously! I agree with Rorshach, it reminded me of Stewie from family guy. It was really interesting and I really liked your use of language. Well done and thanks for entering my contest.


  • Rorshach gold member
    November 28, 2008

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    v well written and funny

    Reminded me of Stewie in family guy. Good use of nostalgic imagery (Blue Peter, shinguards) all v evocative of the period


  • SigningOff.ImOnline
    November 27, 2008

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    Wow. I laughed so hard at this particularly piece. It's quite the interesting storyline. I think for the most part you did a good job, although I spotted a few spelling and grammatical errors here and there.


  • EmeraldDreams
    January 7, 2008

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    Oh wow, I have missed reading you stories. They always make me laugh so hard!!

    This is great, and not too disimillar to something I once did.

    I love how readinf your pieces is like hearing a story from a good friend. You have such a warm, humorous style. Great piece.


  • OkapiShomapi
    December 28, 2007

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    "only just began"
    'began' should be 'begun', shouldn't it?

    "been a and I quote “Good boy!”"
    I think you need commas for comprehension here: 'been a, and I quote, "Good boy!"'

    "Which and again I quote"
    'Which, and again' possibly?

    Paragraph three, haha.

    The story about the star and candles is very amusing, and well written.

    "and wait for it,"
    I request another comma: 'and, wait for it,'

    "Grandparents house,"
    oops, missed an apostrophe: Grandparents'

    "the end of there bed,"
    end of 'their' bed

    "Clause your a fucking charlatan."
    'Clause, you're a fucking charlatan.'

    I really like this piece -- it's very amusing; I love the part where you get drunk. The punctuation, however, stopped my up at several points. Do you have an aversion to commas? Can I suggest going back and adding a few, especially before explanatory caluses? I think that would really help with reader comprehension.

    I really do like this piece, though -- a lot. It's creatively written and so perfectly classic Chrismas -- with a twist, of course.


    Thanks for the giggle!

    annye

  • werner1221
    December 26, 2007

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    haha.

    6 year old drunk! hahaha. lol.

    its been awhile since i've read any of your stories. i forget how good of a writer you were >.<

    lol. not sucking up.

    anyways goodjob. i cant write funny stories


  • Rune Morose
    December 22, 2007

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    This story has joined the ranks of the select few that have actually caused me to laugh out loud. I think it was the bit about the wine box being an "awkward bastard." Your diction is varied and colorful; the elaborate language certainly helped make the self-deprecating tone all the more amusing.

    This story needs work with comma use and placement. At some points there either weren't enough, or there were sentences that were too long and could have been broken down into smaller sentences and would have helped the pace of the story in general.

    Below is a little line-by-line I like to put together that just points out some simple mistakes that can be fixed up in a snap. Thanks for entering!

    Russell

    Paragraph 2: Be a little more liberal with the commas.

    P4: Last 2 sentences could be joined.

    P5: Opposite problem: Make some more sentences out of this paragraph.

    P8 Line 6: Revise comma placement.

    P12 Line 1: "there" should be "their"


  • Andy Stephenson gold member
    December 22, 2007

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    Good tale.

    A six year old drunk, lol. I didn't get into the alcohol until I was ten. I drank some whiskey straight and I could feel my face flush and I was worried that I'd be found out because of the way I looked. I felt really guilty, but grandmother did not catch on.

    Thanks for entering Holiday Horror Stories!!!

    Andy


  • Rosemary silver member
    December 20, 2007

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    I had a good laugh

    Nice memory I guess at least for a little while. I never knew salty water could do that. I can tell from your other stories that this little incident didn't deter you from drinking for very long.


  • RxxSpiritWolfxxJ
    December 20, 2007

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    Too Good

    Dude, this is one funny story. Cracked me up some, I can tell you.

    And the bit about the 6yr old quaffing wine, that was the kick!

    Keep it up!


  • Elisabeth gold member
    December 20, 2007

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    Very funny,

    reminds me of my son, but that's another story. You have a few typing mistakes which you can't fix now.
    Thanks for entering, and have fun!


  • alfateenage16
    December 19, 2007

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    Very amusing

    I love your style of writing. A great mix of sarcasm and description. One of the funniest stories I have read in ages. My favourite bit has to be the description of the blue peter 'star', though all of it was funny really


  • kaylaface
    December 19, 2007

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    A great story! Very funny, I can just imagine them coming in to find you drunk. That is so bad though, a six year old drinking XD.


  • LostSoulOfRage
    December 17, 2007

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    another one of your brillant stories! sorry it took me so long to read this. but wow this is freakin hilarous! i was laughing the entire time! sounds like a very good childhood. amazing story as always. great job and keep it up!

    -LostSoul


  • I Dare to Dream
    December 17, 2007

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    Wow. This explains so much. As hilarious as always, and how this earth survived through your childhood I will never know!

  • Jinxgirl
    December 16, 2007

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    lol... wow. six... you started young huh? santa should have given you coal. lol, i bet your mother WAS horrified. a boomerang... did you actually ask for that? amusing as always. poof is a really funny word,by the way


  • Krazy Scott
    December 16, 2007

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    What a waste of saltwater...

    ... since in hindsight, we all know that a good shaking would have done the same thing. *laughs*

    So THAT is what happened to you. It all seems so clear to me now...

    Again, I can only shake my head in wonder at the shenanigans of your childhood. Your parents must be complete wrecks after having survived you. Nice tale, Brother!


  • Violet Moodswing Greeters member
    December 16, 2007

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    LoL, another example of why so many labels now say, "If taken internally, do not induce vomiting" Seems that in the 70's that was the solution to most everything

    A nicely humorous story from the perspective of a childs memory inside the head of an adult

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 4.

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