“I love you, you know,” she said, stopping. The wetness on her face was not all from the slow, heavy raindrops. The man took a couple more steps before also stopping, and turning to look her in the eye.1
“Yes,” was all he said, “I suppose I do.” His face betrayed little emotion, and his voice held nothing but a weariness beyond his years. They stood there for a time just looking into each other’s eyes as the rain drenched their clothes.2
Finally, he closed the gap between them with slow, hesitant steps, put his arms around her, and pulled her close. “I’m sorry, Amber.” She hated herself a little right then, for allowing it, but lacked the strength to not welcome his touch. She swallowed a painful sob, and said, “It’s ok. I… guess I’m just a stupid, naive girl, thinking there was something there.”3
He stared past her head into the rain, trying to think of something to say, some way to make her feel better. At some point, as the seconds dragged on, it became too late to say anything, and all there was for him to do was to just stand there in the rain, holding her, just trying not to be a jerk.
Author notes
This is a story I once wrote as an excercise, to try and write something beginning with "I love you." I think it turned out pretty well.
The story was originally released on 365 Tales (www.365tales.com), a site for microfiction stories no longer than 365 words.
A contest entry
- December's New Member Contest by SW Greeters.
350 points, ended January 2, 2008, 13 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Emotion and Detail by RoseBlossom100.
275 points, ended December 29, 2007, 10 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Mini Short Stories by abba12.
700 points, ended March 6, 2008, 36 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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this has great imagry and description, its full of emotion and while you dont quite know whats going on you can get a sence. i dont like the last paragraph though, somehting seems arkward about it, maybe using the word jerk, it seems childish and worldly in a surreal emotional story
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I get it all apart from the "yes... I suppose I do" as you make out he doesn't, she knows he doesn't but he says this anyway? apart from that, this is gut wrenching, I feel for the girl so has obviously put herself well and truely out there and been smacked in the teeth in return, and to me the "trying not to be a jerk" by the guy didn't seem to ease it for me, I would of well walked off and told him forget it, seems self centred. This is a very good piece I enjoyed it. It stated and showed so much and alot of emotion in such a short piece, well done keep it up.
P.s I never mention spelling mistakes love, I am more for how the story flows and if it is good, and tend to not be so keen on people who point out mine either, I only ever mention it if it is so bad it gets in the way of actually enjoying the piece.
Either way brilliant story well done keep it up! -
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He says 'I suppose I do' as an answer to her '...you know?' not the loving. He isn't trying to be mean, he just picks a very wrong thing to say.
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AH!! right with it now, men and women always say that when they know that what is wanted to be said by them is not going to be meant and they don't want to say it. It was a very excellent piece well done!
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Oh god, this is so sad and sweet at the same time. Love can be complicated sometimes. One person may love someone as a friend or even a sibling, while the other might be loving back as a lover, assuming that the love the other feels is the same kind.
This story seems to do a good job of demonstrating how different kinds of love can manifest and cause conflict. Really excellent piece of writing.
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The Hostess Of The Contest Has Arrived
As I said I am giving an in-depth review. I do not mean to offend in any way.
Six Traits
Ideas and Content: The idea(s) is there but it isn't really focused. It is not very easy to pick out.
Organization: Well this aspect was fine but it was also very short so its not like there were many options in organizing.
Voice: I can sort of feel like an individual voice is there but once again with something this short it is hard to judge this. At this length it is sort of generic.
Word Choice: Not very rich, seems sort of lacking.
Sentence Fluency: Doesn't really have a flow to it. Seems a little choppy.
Conventions: This was all over. You had fragments left and right. There were miscapitalizations and missing commas.
Contest Qualifications
Detail: You had some, but once again: this was a short piece. Not as saturated in detail as I would have liked for this contest.
Emotion: Its too short to get really into it. It wasn't very impactful either. It was just there. Sorry.
Thank you for your entry. Good luck in the contest. -
I like this.
In the second paragraph, should it be, "I suppose (you) do."? This short, short story says a lot in a few words. It is very good, but I agree with slashinguk that it seems like a scene from a larger story. Are you going to expand on it at some time in the future?
I didn't find a problem with POV. It seemed clear to me.
Thanks for entering the new member contest.
Andy
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I don't think I'll ever really be expanding this. I've written several shorts like this with these same characters, but I don't really think I have it in me to produce a longer story of them.
The second paragraph is meant the way it is. -
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Yep.
I glanced over the story again, and the paragraph does read fine. I was just thinking something different.
Andy
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Whose story is it? His? or Hers?
Thought I'd take a look. I think a problem...a major problem here is the lack of a clear POV (point of view). A short story should have ONE major POV...One major character...in whom the one major CONFLICT resides. Not sure here who is the major character with the major conflict...and WHOSE is the ONE MAJOR POV!
Otherwise...nice writing. Some more?
GA -
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Ahh, rules... The thing is, this isn't about either of the characters. It's about them both equally. If the rules do not want to grant me that, well, then I suppose I'll just have to be a rebel and ignore the rules.
I'm sorry if you don't like it, but to bias the scene for either character would ruin it for me.
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Well written scene
This is a well-enough written scene, rather than a story as such. The characters are well written, the language is good and emotions are conveyed effectively. Well done.
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Welcome to StoryWrite
And thanks for entering the December New Member contest. This is a very potent short write. It paints a pretty vivid picture in a very short space. I really liked the ending.
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