If I Die Now, What Will I Miss?

Having a secret can be the worst feeling in the world. It's like a time bomb, only a matter of time until it gets told to someone who then betrays someone else. The whole time its kept inside, it balloons, until it has to be let out. It's impossible to keep a secret. I figured mine would get out soon enough, but I didn't think it would be my mom who would let it out, nor so soon.1

I found out when I went to the pool, attempting to feel like a real person again, but before my body was completely submerged in water, the other inhabitants were swimming away. I watched them climb out of the pool, group by group. From the petty girls who dangled their feet daintily in the shallow end, to the dedicated athletes who had to be pulled out bodily when a storm blew in. 2

I knew they knew. So I climbed out too, and went home. Feeling like a normal person wasn't to be anymore. As I left, I heard a lifeguard needlessly call, "Everybody out!" Then, "The pool is closed for draining."3

It's funny how much people think they know about HIV, when really they don't know anything. They think that whoever has it must have it by sex or drugs, yet all the "moral" people who are forced to be in their presence might catch it by simply being in the vicinity of a carrier. 4

For instance, there's a ring of empty seats around my desk in school. The teacher, formerly a stickler for assigned seating, keeps her thin lips pressed shut. The same thing happens at church. People won't shake my hand, some can't even bring themselves to look at me, as if I'm an evil witch who can give them AIDS just by staring into their eyes. The gym teacher told me, in front of the entire girls' locker room, that it was unsanitary for me to use the school showers. "And frankly, unnecessary after what's happened," she added, not meeting my eye. Right. Another stigma; all AIDS stems from a lack of hygiene.5

As a result, I don't go out anymore.6

Mom doesn't understand, or tries not to. "You're a wonderful person," she'll say, "you just have to show that to people." But I've noticed that when people look at me, all they see is death.7

"You don't know how much time you have left," she'll remind me. "Make the most of it; a girl your age needs friends."8

She's right to say I need a friend. But she's wrong to say I don't know how much time I have left. I heard the doctor say I have a life expectancy of two years. As if I'm a puppy who got hit by a car and his owners want to know if it's worth it to keep him alive.9

Sometimes I wonder if it's worth keeping myself alive. It would be so easy to die, to leave this town and these people and all the stress of being a living time bomb. I could just give in to death, let it pull me away from this world.10

But if I die now, what will I miss?

Author notes

[Contest business:
Brutal honesty please (:

Inspiration/muse: hearing about this HIV positive kid getting kicked out of a pool by some dumb, uneducated people

Favorite animal: shark. They're dolphins except better cause they're dangerous (: ]

A contest entry

What do you think?

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    : Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have 0. (?) (Line numbers)
    Ratings:

Comments

1 - 42 of 42

  • Keirii
    March 13
    Edit | Reply
    I'm going to give you some extra points

  • Keirii
    March 13

    Edit | Reply
    Very nicely done!!!
    This storyline is very sad, but you wrote it in
    a way that made it more factual, yet still added
    the reality of it.

    I liked this piece very much. Great job!!!

    ~Keirii


  • Maggie Kay
    February 28

    Edit | Reply
    Great ending to a great story. that last line really makes me think
    well writen.
    its so sad to hear about how po\eople treat those with aid
    very interesting and kept my attention but didnt make me cry sorry haha.
    thanks for entering!
    good luck with the rest of your work


  • LoveGo13
    February 21
    Edit | Reply
    HIV/AIDS is an STD. You can't get HIV/AIDS from drugs. My mother is an expert on this stuff since she treats people with HIV/AIDS every day, so ask my anything about it. Anyway, this is a good story, but it only slightly fits in to my contest. Thank you for entering, though.


    • beezy92
      February 21
      Edit | Reply
      I didn't say it came from drugs, I didn't specify where, except it didn't come from sex. Look, my second cousin was a junkie and he died of AIDS, so don't tell me you can't get it from drugs. As an STD, it is transmitted through bloodstreams and when you share dirty needles, that enables the disease to be spread.

      I knew it wasn't exactly about bullying but I thought it was worth a try. (: Thanks for reading!


  • beerstorecowboy
    January 18

    Edit | Reply
    Not bad. I'm not gonna critique your grammar or anything. You were fairly alright on that front, anyway.

    How did this person contract HIV? She is so upset that other people are ignorant of the disease and how one contracts it, but fails to relate how she got it. You imply that it didn't come from sex or drugs, so I feel it is integeral to understanding this piece that the reader be privvy to this information.

    I feel the girl's pain, but not enough to be convinced. It sounds almost more like whining than lamenting. It's like she cares more about what others think than the fact that she is afflicted with a terrible disease. I almost get the impression that if everyone was nice to her and understood, then she would feel just dandy about the whole situation. I think that issue should definitely come into play near the end when she contemplates suicide(?), because as it stands now, it sounds like high school is tougher than dealing with AIDS.

    Now I'm no STD expert, but I imagine that a girl in high school who contracts HIV would likely have a lot more time than two years before lapsing into full-blown AIDS and even longer til death. Please correct me if I'm wrong. I'm just a firm believer in fact checking.

    I love the moral of this story. I think you took it in the right direction and I especially like when a good title is also the closing sentence. You get points for that.
    Good work all around.

    • beezy92
      January 18
      Edit | Reply
      No, your comment makes sense and I appreciate the fact-checking. And also the whole whiny thing. I was just coming to that conclusion myself. I recently went through something that gave me a whole new window on the pain that a loss of life can cause and this piece seems sort of shallow and like a weak imitation now that I have. I just can't write about the current experience yet.

      I'm 16 myself, and I have a friend who passed from HIV, who was younger than me. Babies can die from AIDS. Everyone can. At any age. There's no guarantee. It's like cancer, you could go in months, you could live longer than most healthy people, you just really don't know.

      Thanks for the critique! I really appreciate the honest insight. (:

      • beerstorecowboy
        January 18
        Edit | Reply
        You're very welcome. I'm glad that I could help, even if just a little. Thanks for the info on AIDS. I always thought it was a much more longterm disease.

        • beezy92
          January 18
          Edit | Reply
          Sadly, it's not. ): No worries, though, it's one of those things like multiple sclerosis that you kind of have to have some kind of history with to know a whole lot about. (: And granted, I don't know too much about it, I do know that sometimes it can be a fast killer. ):

          You helped more than a little! (: Thanks again.


  • XxXDreamWeaverXxX
    January 17

    Edit | Reply
    This was great, it showed the pain, butmore importantly the moral. I completely agree, people with decisess are no less human, so they should'nt be treted like a montser!

    Well done!


    ~cat


  • Atticus Unanimous
    December 28, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Wonderful. I loved it. The emotions, the pain, the desire to be like everyone else, it's all there and portrayed in the most beautiful way. You've done an excellent job here.


    So how did she get it?

    • beezy92
      December 28, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      I hadn't really decided how she contracted it and then I decided it didn't really matter because the judgment is undeserved, either way. (: Thanks a lot for your comment, I really appreciate it! (:


  • Other Side
    December 26, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Wow that was a extremly (is that spelled right?) well writen. I think it was really good. I saw that disfuntional family frame.


  • On.Cue
    December 25, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    I didn't quite see any disfunctional family-esque things going on here...correct me if I'm wrong.

    • beezy92
      December 25, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      In the first paragraph it states that her mother let out the secret about her being HIV-positive, alienating her daughter from their small town. I consider that dysfunctional but I do admit it all depends on your frame of reference.


  • charmander13
    December 17, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Hey, your story touched me- there're just so many ignorant people out there... and they think they know everything, but the fact is, they don't. They're prejudiced and fearful of what they don't know... and I guess that's the most harmful thing of all- the fear.

    I'm really glad that you wrote this story, as it can show people that other perspective- the thoughts and feelings of the girl with HIV.

    Thank you so much, and congrats on all the awards you've won so far! (Recognition for your work )

  • beezy92
    December 7, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Oh no, you're right! I completle forgot, sorry. I was actually thinking number 4, but number 3 does make sense. Thanks for reading! (:


  • Cupcake14
    December 7, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Which option did you choose? Like, I would put a whole comment about how nicely you potrayed the stigma, how you made me feel unpleasant, how you made me want to whack everyone ignoring the poor girl on the head, how I felt so angry and sad on reading this, etc, etc, but I'm a contest-obsessed bitch. XD
    Great story, just tell me the option, and you'll have your shot at the gold. I guess it was option no 3, but that was about alchoholics, so i dunno.


  • beezy92
    December 6, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    IR2


  • Forgotten Anomaly
    November 30, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    People can be increadibly ignorent at times, so much so that it can seem overwhelming. I don't have AIDS nor know anyone who does but I am nearly blind and in elementry school there was a time when people thought they could 'catch' blindness. Sometimes I wanted to pound their heads in and other's just laugh until it hurt. People will often be mislead into thinking things are far different than they are. Even now I get people who act like they could catch my blindness its really rather pathetic and the best thing it seems to do is ignore it or try and explain things to them. I know this isn't true for you (your A/N) but it applies to so many things. A wonderful story, no errors, well writen, very touching. Thank you for entering and good luck.


  • RxxSpiritWolfxxJ
    October 18, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Good on ya, this is an awesome story - moving, and contains a powerful message. I really hate those stigmas that surround issues like AIDS - people should really know better ...
    Well done you!


  • MoraKpon
    October 2, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    that's so moving...loved it, and agree with you that it's stupid that some kids are shunned for having HIV or AIDS. I heard about this kid once who was kicked out of school for having HIV but he didn't even know he had it until his teacher told him!...

    thanks for entering...

  • mysterydragon
    April 27, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    That was so great and kinda sad at the end. People can be so stupid at times.


  • Kevan gold member
    April 14, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Not one spelling mistake.
    Lol. That's the first thing I could think of writing.
    However, your story...
    .
    .
    WAS AWESOME.
    You explined the prejudice perfectly, along with the constant wondering of your last days, and when you'll die.
    I don't know what I'd do in that situation. Great job with the story though.
    It made me sad ):
    -Kevan


  • CorvusCornix
    April 2, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Excellent, this piece was very clever, the language was soft and let out a hidden sadness and emptiness. The idea is very original , it is brilliant to see someone who is inspired by real-life events and wishes to spread the message further. My only critique is the second line of the first paragraph; 'which' should perhaps be 'who'. Other than that, a very impressive piece of writing. Thank you for taking the time to show us a new depth to this upsetting issue.


  • Xtclozer-
    April 1, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Thats sad. Just because she has AIDS people wont even bother to look at her? thats cruel. I liked the point you gave on this, and the story flowed well.
    Thanks for entering, and good luck in my contest


  • foxxylady-21
    March 30, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Wow.

    I loved it. The worst part was the betrayl by her own mother in telling that she had HIV. In so few words you said a lot.


  • LostSoulOfRage
    March 20, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    tnx for entering. ive read this before and i loved reading it again. its a great story. great job. keep it up.

  • Thedamned77
    March 14, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Wow. I really enjoyed this piece. It was just so deep. I really like how you discussed how people feel towards you and how that makes you feel. In the story, there's a part that talks about how people think it was either sex or drugs, but that they can catch it by touching you. First off, that's stupid. But I think you brought up a very important issue about people's lack of knowledge and how that can sometimes hurt others. Secondly, there are some people born with it. Otherwise it'd die off eventually. I don't know if that's the case in this story, but if it is, it'd be important to include that. This story made me feel very sympathetic and also I felt kinda idiotic because I know I sometimes judge people that way. Thank you for entering. This is a wonderful piece.

  • LostSoulOfRage
    January 22, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    tnx for entering the contest.
    wow this is such a great story. i absoultly loved this. its a very touching story. the last line really sailed the whole story. it made the story way better. amazing job really. i loved this. great job and good luck. keep it up.

    -LostSoul


  • Aaez
    January 7, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    its so touching!! i lve it!!! awesome story...beezy!! i liked it alot!!


  • Hermanator1 silver member
    December 26, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    Welcome back

    I loved it the last time and still do. It artfully depicts hope within hopelessness and as one other reviewer stated: she already shared the story with others. Just what I had hoped would happen with the entrants.

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


  • SaintSeaShell
    December 22, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I loved reading this. It gives a clear view from another eye. I shared this story last night with my sisters. It made us all think.

    Kind Regards,
    Shell


  • happy go lucky13
    December 21, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    nice one ;-)


  • Araina
    December 20, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Superb

    This is beautifully written, and it gives me hope for the future of writing. Some of the stuff on this site is so awful, it's refreshing to come across something this good written by someone so young. Keep up the great writing. You have a wonderful gift for words, and I hope that it will take you to wherever you want to go in life.


  • forevermyangel14
    December 17, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    very nice. i love the part about the puppy. it's so true to, sad, but true

  • belowit
    December 16, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    hmm, so thoughtful. hmm.


  • Taylor Renee
    December 15, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    My goodness, Bee!

    This is absolutely extraordinary, and very, very sad.

    I couldn't take my eyes from the screen, though this plot is really sad. (I can't think of a synonym for sad right now XD) Anyway, I really just...wow. This is a really nice plot and you really wrote it well.

    I especially love the end!

    [Though I shouldn't LIKE this story! It's almost depressing!]

    Nice job, here, Bee. I wish you luck in the contest!

    xoxo
    -♥-
    Tay

  • Hermanator1 silver member
    December 15, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    WELL DONE

    Another of my finalists. It is a good theme and well written. The closing sentence imparts hope to those who suffer from testing positive both internally and externally.

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.

1 - 42 of 42