I was watching the snow fall. 1
Even though I couldn't see it with my naked eye, I could feel each snowflake as it drifted from the sky. Each was a soul of infinite, delicate wonders. My heart broke when I thought of what waited for them when they landed on the hard ground below. Without thinking to put on a coat, hat, or gloves, I rushed out the door. 2
After a few dozen steps of hearing the snow crunching under my sneakers, cold horror filled my stomach, mixing oddly with the aching sadness burning in my chest. With each step I had crushed an unthinkable number of fragile bits of beauty. I fell to my knees, hearing more crunching, and simply couldn't hold the aching sobs in any more.3
As hot tears rolled down my cheeks and burned little tunnels into the snow at my feet, all I could manage to say was, "I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry."4
The snow smiled up at me, glittering in the morning sun like a million tiny diamonds. "Why are you sorry?"5
Something deep inside me said this couldn't be real. Something deeper said it was as real as it needed to be. I ignored both, wiped my cheeks with the back of a shaking hand, and simply answered, "I'm sorry your dance in the sky had to end. It was so beautiful."6
"If we never left the sky, we could not bring beauty to the earth."7
"But now that you're here, you'll be crushed by --" I wanted to say monsters, but I couldn't bring the word past my lips. "-- things like me."8
"The clouds told us about what would happen when we reach the ground. We will not lose our beauty. We will simply change."9
"You don't understand," I said, trying to keep the annoyance out of my voice. "You'll be crushed into the earth. When the sun comes out, all that will be left is big mud puddles."10
"The clouds told us about these things. We will bring our beauty there as well."11
My brain was feeling foggier as I sat shivering in the snow. The only meaningful thing I could think of to say was, "Huh?"12
"Have you ever actually looked at a mud puddle? have you ever touched the bottom of one that has settled and watched as clouds of silt billow and flow? When we become mud puddles, we will bring beauty there as well."13
I'm not sure how long I sat there when I finally realized the truth of what the snow had to say. I had gone numb with cold and barely felt the tug at my shoulder. As I was led back into the house, I couldn't stop smiling. I finally knew why snowflakes aren't afraid to fall from the sky.14
A contest entry
- December's New Member Contest by SW Greeters.
350 points, ended January 2, 2008, 13 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Any feedback at all about my first submission here would be greatly appreciated. :)
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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Beautiful
I remember reading this when you posted it elsewhere, and I still think it's an inspiring piece of writing... well done, indeed.beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Wow..That was so unique and origanal....It was beautiful! Wonderful and terrific....Get this published! I love it!
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Hmm?
Snowflakes aren't afraid to fall because they realize it is a part of the natural cycle? I found that this story is well written and unique. I would think it would be a good children's story.
Thanks for entering the new members contest.
Andy
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Beautiful!
This was an excellent piece. It was unique and beautifully written. I loved reading it from beginning to end.
It was one of those stories that gives a reader goosebumps, and leaves one with a warm feeling inside.
Thank you for posting this, i look forward to reading future works from you
Keep writing!
Yrs.
Azaradelle.
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C.U.T.E.!
Haha, I loved reading this. It was very well thought out. Beauty radiated from this right from the start. Great job!
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Thanks so much for the feedback, everyone! I've been wondering, what would make this story something that would work as a children's story?
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Heather,
this is only a few suggestions, okay? If you wish to write a story for children then take time to go back and re-live your own first memory of snow and the snowflakes, write from there. See the snow, feel the snow and the excitement, the tingle. How it invigorated you. The laughing, and making snow angels, then when you went back inside to a warm drink and being tucked up after a wonderful day. Lay it down at about five years old. See how it goes, then edit, edit and then edit again. Read it out loud, find the 'hiccups' and cut out the stuff that bogs the story down.
Most of all, have tremendous fun doing it! -
The protagonist seems to be a child, or at least that's how it looked to me. The whole thing is very innocent, and what really touches you is how something so small can be so profound.
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Very nice stuff; it's a relief to read someone whose work isn't rife with grammar and spelling errors. I agree this would be something great for kids to read; the idea that beauty comes in many forms is an important one for a society such as ours, that is placing far too much stress on how people look on the outside.
Welcome to StoryWrite, and I will leave you with the following words of wisdom:
"...perhaps if we built this large, wooden badger..."
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Welcome to StoryWrite
This one had me from the minute I read the title. Excellent little story with a wonderful point. I loved it. -
Quite beautiful,
You could work this into a tale for children. I like the simplicity of your story and the depth of feeling shown.
I hope you like it here, it's a pretty nice place to be.
It's a good story. Keep writing!
Lis.
beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
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