It's my first day at a new job. I even have business cards, stating that I'm now Mister Deviant Goldman, assistant to Miss Hot Jinx Sweetness. I wish they hadn't put my whole name down though. Just Dev would have done fine.1
I only know Hot Jinx by reputation. She's a freelance agent, doing things that need to be done for people who need to avoid being caught doing them; And who are willing to pay her exorbitant fees, of course. I couldn't believe my luck when Trevor got me this job. I don't actually know how much the pay is going to be yet, but it's bound to be a lot more than I made running errands in the street.2
So now I have these new business cards, this new haircut, and this new outfit, all paid for by Hot Jinx so I'd be presentable. I even got a new cred chip with an expense account implanted in my hand. And I'm sitting in her car with her. We're going to a club called The Green that's in Moonwood mall, uptown. I'm definitely moving upward in life.3
It's three at night as we go through the security gate at Moonwood mall, and check in our guns. I feel a bit naked without my pistol, but Moonwood mall is a gun-free zone, run by some left-wing hippies.4
The mall is fairly empty at this time of night, with only a few people going about their business or just loitering here and there. The walk gives me time to take a good look at my new boss. She's wearing a crimson sleeveless shirt of crushed velvet, tied at the waist with a white sash, and knee-length loose pants of crimson raw silk tied tight at the knee with white scarves of some sort. On her feet she has a pair of simple brown suede moccasins. Her short, black hair is ruffled, and her skin is the colour of café au lait. She's beautiful... and apparently wearing no underwear.5
"Stay sharp, kid" she nearly hisses to me as we slip into the club past an impassive bouncer. The Green is faithful to its name, with a decor done completely in shades of green dimly lit by green lights. The air is hot, humid, and carries the scents of sweat, alcohol and something else, that I can't quite place. I feel more than hear the heavy, pervasive jungle beat. At this hour, the place is half full.6
I follow my boss, as she gracefully navigates her way through the crowd to the bar. In the green light, she appears to be dressed in black, with her sash and the scarves tying her pants appearing bright neon green. She leans over the counter to talk to the expressionless bartender, who mechanically responds by lining up two short glasses of something and two small round pills on a paper plate in front of us. They both look expectantly at me, so I flash my cred chip to the reader, which immediately causes the bartender to lose all interest in us.7
Hot Jinx takes one of the pills and a glass, so I take the other. I can't help feeling puzzled as we swallow the pills and chase them down with what proves to be water. Weren't we supposed to be working? She leans over to me.8
"So how do you like it?"9
The question takes me by surprise. How do I like what? The club? The pill, which hasn't even had time to take effect? Before I can come up with an answer, she continues.10
"My ass. You've been staring at it the whole time, kid. Now give it to me."11
Crap on a stick. It's true. The entire trip here I've been ogling my new bosses rear end, and she noticed. This isn't starting well. I open my mouth to apologize or make excuses, but can't get a word out.12
"The pill, you idiot. We're here on business, you weren't supposed to really take it!"13
Double crap. I should have realized it. I feel like a serious contender for the Dumbest Guy Alive-trophy, but she's not finished.14
"You know damn well you only got this chance because Lord put in a word for you. And now I'm starting to think he's mad at me for something, and you're his way of getting even. Now shut that big mouth of yours before you catch a fly in there, and come on!"15
I lose track of her on the dance floor. The drug is taking effect now. My mouth waters, there's a hot, sizzling feeling in my head, and I can hardly tell apart my pulse and the music. My cock is rock hard, and screaming for attention. I feel like King Kong. Fuck this job. I'm getting sacked anyway, so why fight it? I let myself go, and move with the music, bumping and grinding into the hot bodies of the other dancers. Time disappears.16
Reality makes a comeback as Hot Jinx gives me a sharp slap on the cheek. Grabbing me by the neck, she pulls my head down to her to talk in my ear.17
"Snap out of it, kid. The job's not over yet. Come on."18
Struggling to clear my head, I let her drag me off the dance floor and into a narrow corridor in the back of the club. There's a shirtless black guy with several piercings and roughly as many chins with us now. I can only suppose he's who we're here to meet.19
The contact leads us past a couple of small, dark rooms into a third one just like them. The tiny room is bare, aside from a low bed that fills most of the space, and the only light comes from the corridor. On the bed, an anorectic-looking couple is getting it on, missionary-style.20
Our guide whispers something to the man, interrupting the sex, and the two of them retreat to a corner, discussing in a low tone I can't make out. I check out the woman on the bed. She doesn't seem much disturbed by our presence, quite the opposite. She winks at me, rubbing her pussy that is shaven clean like her head. My body steps forward on it's own volition, but Hot Jinx stops me.21
"Down, boy" she says, sounding a bit amused. "You'll get yours in a sec."22
The pierced fatso returns to us, handing a small ampoule to Hot Jinx. She quickly produces a condom from under her sash, ripping the wrapper open with her teeth, and wraps the ampoule in the condom. Then she hands it to me.23
"Here. You know what to do."24
At first I don't understand what I'm supposed to do with the wrapped vial. The realization comes slowly. I'm supposed to hide it. So this is what she meant with me getting mine.25
We spend some more time on the dance floor before leaving the Green, and the dancing takes my mind off the payload I'm carrying. It's quarter past eight in the morning as we leave the mall. She hasn't said anything more about my screwup with the pill, or about the ogling. In fact, she's hardly spoken to me at all.26
We stop at the Blueberry Crescent park, where she tells me to extract the vial. I do so, feeling too numb for modesty, and barely remember to lose the soiled condom before handing the ampoulle to her. As I'm buttoning up my pants, she says:27
"We both know you screwed up. But Lord said you're a good kid, so I'm willing to give you a second chance. Next time, don't screw up. I'll call you."28
She gets in her car and drives off, leaving me to get home by whatever means I can. I don't know why, but I feel like crying.
In a list
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
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I think it was well written. Personally I think you could expand this story to include more of what Jinx's business actually does. Add more details involving that, if you choose to expand it. Other than my small suggestion. that's all I can think of
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Actually that's the sort of thing that's supposed to come up more in the sequels, but only half of the first one of those is ready yet... I have poor work ethics
But thanks for your interest!
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Well crafted!
Witty, sassy, in your face, no holds barredl very fast paced with nothing extraneous at all, excellent work!
Amicus...
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Aside from the first sentence, the firth paragraph is entirely useless. It doesn't matter what she looks like. Her looks play no integral role in the story.
In fact, you later describe her appearance again, and again in later paragraphs. Why does it matter if she's not wearing underwear? I mean, none of the fifth paragraph has any true relevancy to the story...
Aside from that, this is pretty good. -
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Ahh, but it's very relevant to my interests.
See, Hot Jinx Sweetness is my little in-head mannequin. How she looks and what she is wearing is an integral part of the fun I personally get from writing this stuff. So it's staying. If you don't like it, that's too bad.
In other news, describing her looks and clothing and lack of underwear also makes sense because she's a comely lass being viewed by the narrator, who is a heterosexual male, and does pay attention to stuff like that, because it's also relevant to his interests.
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Thoughts & Opinions
Well, after reading this good story, I did find a few and varied areas of grammatical errors in a few spots of your write.
In paragraph one, you need to remember that if you are going to address a man and/or woman, then you need to capitalize the greeting as such (Mister(Mr.), Miss) --otherwise 'Miss' would be taken as another meaning. Also delete the comma in the next to last sentence.
Paragraph two: For this paragraph, you need to use the past tense verbage of know (I only KNEW......), add either a semi-colon at the end of line two OR combine the entire second and third line together while adding a parenthesis onto "of course". Lastly, you can also combine lines three and four by simply using the word 'because'.
Paragraph three: At this point, since the reader knows that you are talking in first person point of view, you can stop saying "I". Instead you can drop that vowel in the first line, adding -ing to have; but another thing is while on that same exact line, you can say it like this:
So now having these new business cards, this new haircut, and this new outfit (all paid for by my new boss) just so I'd look presentable
While still in this paragraph, I don't know what you mean by 'cred' chip? Is this supposed to be credit chip?? But more importantly lines two through four of P3 can be combined in one as a whole using the comma.
I even got a new credit chip with an expense account implanted in my hand along with sitting her car with her, and finally we'll be going to a club called 'The Green' that's in Moonwood Mall- uptown. Yep, I'm definitely moving upward in life
Paragraph six: In the beginning of line two, you need to watch your form of homophones and form of possession. ITS is in reference with an unknown thing or name. IT'S is a contraction.
Paragraph seven: Again, you need to watch your past/present/future participial phrasing. I FOLLOWED.... not I follow
Paragraph ten: Add your quotation marks whenever you are in a conversation-like way.
"How do I like what-- the club?"
Below, is the remaining parts of the story where the corrections now lie. Take careful hints/notations of them. However as a whole, you sorta subtracted most of the story away when you kept saying "I did this" or "I done that......" If you are going to write in a particular point of view, try to use other forms of verbage to counteract with the point of view language so it wouldn't sound somewhat 'modest'.beginning: 2, language: 1, plot: 2, ending: 3, dialog: 1, characters: 2.
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Thanks for the grammar and typofixes. English isn't my primary language, so I do need the help.
However, I disagree with many of your style suggestions. I know I could in many places combine several lines, but that results in monolithic, cumbersome sentences I do not like, and which are often hard to follow. Also some of the suggested combining would alter the meanings.
The know/knew in paragraph two. He has just met her, and hasn't yet gained any real information from that. So, knowing her from her reputation is still the current state.
The 'cred chip' mentioned is in fact a debit chip, but 'cred chip' is what the character thinks of it as. It's not my fault that people in the future will use misleading names for stuff.
What comes to follow vs followed in paragraph seven, you're just flat out wrong. The activity is not in the past tense. It's currently taking place. The entire story is in current tense.
Paragraph ten does not contain quotation marks, because nobody is saying anything. The internal monologue of Dev does not get quoted, because he is the narrator. The quotation would be recursive.
Thank you for reading, and your feedback. It's appreciated.
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Fantastic
This is an absolutely fantastic story. Human, real, yet fantasy too. Congratulations on the style, the content and the concept.
I am very impressed with your writing here, with the characters, the setting and the way you tease the best out of the simple story line. Great work.
Minor editorial comments. I think the first word of Paragraph 5 should be "Their" and in paragraph 15 you have a repetition of "to think" otherwise the language is really wonderful.
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Wonderfully written! I love the way you describe things. you should tell me if you add anything else to this story, because so far you have a great start.
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Oops, forgot to applaud...
Here is your much-deserved applaud...sorry I forgot about it. Curse my forgetfulness...
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Interesting
Hi, normally I read stuff about fantasy, not this. However, when I first read through this, I must say I was pretty surprised (in the pleasant way). I like the way you phrase your words and dialogues.
Also, your sense of humour has to be praised! Couldn't stop laughing when the guy took the pill, and realised he wasn't supposed to...hahaha, am still laughing now.
Keep writing more of this stuff, and soon you'll have a fan in me. Cheers!! -
wow... this is a pretty weird story... good description though!!!!!
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Good story
I liked the creative names. Your descriptions fit the theme of the story and you moved it along at a good tempo. The story left a lot of unanswered questions. I would like to read more.
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You are very creative, the activity is easy to follow, the dialogue rings true
Cyberpunk? Okay if you say so that’s a new classification for me, so don’t expect too much—grin.
Since this is a first encounter, I won’t ding you for small goofs, like: And apparently wearing no underwear. (An incomplete sentence and how does he know? She maybe floppy but even a tong is considered ‘undies’.)
You are very creative, the activity is easy to follow, the dialogue rings true and one can visualize the characters even the bartender.
A nice job of painting your location and placing the characters in the scenes. You seem to have taken us into a short leap into the future and it was a fun time.
Geri
beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 3, ending: 4, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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The "And apparently wearing no underwear. part... well, it was intentional. I know it's a sentence lacking a predicate, but my intention was to communicate the abrupt nature of the realization. It's a cheap gimmick, I know. Changed it a bit.
And how does he know? Because the loose-hanging fabric of her clothes would allow him to see the outline of even string underwear, and he's paying more attention than is appropriate.
Trust me on this, I have a highly vivid visual of it in my head.
Thanks for your feedback.
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Really enjoyed this. Its fast, snappy, wastes no time with getting right in there.
And the wording, you can imagine it being narrated-like something to a movie... Like Rules of Attraction kind of thing...
Loved the "I feel like King Kong" line-perfect!
Awesome piece!
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