As I wake up from the floor of my room in the middle of the night my bones frozen in fear I can hear a sound downstairs fearfully I get up and put on my nightgown then head downstairs
As I reached for the door of the kitchen a sound came from inside I was scared but curious so I walk inside only to see my little brother dead on the floor and a pair of red sneakers dashing out of the house beginning to cry I walk up to him "Robert" I cry reaching down and touching his cheek looking down I can see a knife in his chest figuring that's what killed him I start to pull it out1
"Sister" a voice called2
"who's there" I ask fearfully looking around3
"it's me Robert"4
"b...but your dead" I stammer as I looked at the almost invisible form of my brother 5
"yes,but only my body before I died I figured out a way to keep myself alive" he answered me6
"but how?" I ask again avoiding his eyes and looking at his dead body7
"well i'm not going to tell you but you will hear me a lot even though you can hardly see me I was planning to kill myself in fifteen years when I graduate high school,but then that jerk Andrew came in here tonight and stabbed me by the way you can take it out now my spirit is fully out of my body" he tells me
Shocked I pulled my boyfriend's knife out of my brother's body8
"okay why did my boyfriend kill you" I ask holding the blody knife9
"because he's a jerk that's why I called him a... well never mind what I called him but because of that he came in the middle of the night and stabbed me talk about a wimp"he told me10
still angry I held up the bloody knife looked around to what I thought was Robert and told him angerly "i'm going to kill him"11
"no sissy don't..."12
To be Continued.........
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A contest entry
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I just want you guys to give me some feedback it's my first story so just give me the truth
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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more please
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I really want to read the rest of this! It pulled me in and still hasn't let go!
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umm... punctuation would be good, as would a slightly less monotone tone. describe things, talk about the feeling as she walks down the stairs. but sorry, i cant read this without some punctuation in it.
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I can't read this without spaces between the lines.
Considering maybe changing? -
I really like the idea of the story. I think that it would be a lot clearer if you had more paragraph breaks, and more punctuation because right now it seems a little rushed, like it's all running together. I think if you just make a few adjustments hear and there then the story will flow better and be easier to read. Let me know if something I said doesn't make since. Keep at it...I really like where it's headed.
Lauren
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ok!! umm it could be a bit longer but it was good at the same time i will try to read the rest of the story!
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thanks how do i edit it?
never mind.. yeah i kind of figured that out -
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You go to...edit?
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This was a great storyline, but my only suggestion is that you go through and correct the gramatical errors like the i's need to be capitalized and there needs to be paragraph breaks.
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