Just A Bad Dream - Part 3

The sunlight streaked in through the dirty venetian blinds. Theo awoke to the silence of the empty flat. Her immediate instinct was to wake up Dylan, and pack him off to school – but a startled glance at the clock told her that she was two hours late. She rose steadily to her feet, the sight of empty glass bottles meeting her bloodshot eyes – her head deciphering what her heart could not. She’d been drinking herself into a stupor. She barely remembered a thing.1

The sound of the television that was filtering in through the paper-thin walls made Theo’s head throb like mad. She began to get agitated.2

“Turn the god damn TV down!” she yelled. There came no response, she began to get riled up, “I said turn it DOWN!”3

She stomped unsteadily into the next room, expecting to find her son. Instead she found a note pinned to the TV, it read:4

“Mom gone to school – taken banana for lunch.”5

This almost made Theo cry. She hadn’t been there for her son, for the first time in 6 years she wasn’t a responsible mother. What had she done with her life? She was only 32 and she’d never gone to college – her parent’s couldn’t afford it. But now, now that Theodora was out from under the invisible ties which bound her to her dysfunctional childhood, she hadn’t done anything even remotely grown up. Sure, she had become a parent – but only through accident. Theo had never once had the intention of becoming a mother, and then when the Dylan’s father had found out that she was pregnant he had run a mile. She scrutinised the reflection in the bathroom mirror. The wallpaper was peeling, and the carpet was damp from the leaking bathtub. The flat was a mess, the kitchen tiles were scorched and the roof was a dirty yellow colour. The living room almost mocked her every time she walked into it’s cold interior, it was the single most run down room of the flat. The carpet was wearing thin in places, and the walls and roof had damp patches. Her face. Her face was the only thing about her that Theo had ever liked – and even now the lines were beginning to appear. Her skin was sagging, and the rings around her eyes showed just how crazy her life had become.6

Her eyes studied the objects in the reflection, and they came to rest upon the knife block in the open-plan kitchen. Turning on her heels, she walked painfully slowly towards the open door. It was almost as if the weapons were mocking her, daring her to take her own life – and if there was one thing Theo hated, it was to be mocked.7

With calm and ease, she pulled out a knife – the metal shone in the premature light like a star. She dragged the blade softly across her throat, the coldness exciting her. Suddenly the phone rang, and the knife clattered to the floor – she hadn’t done any damage. Yet.8

Dylan’s laughter filled Theo’s heart as he told her of the day’s events. Little things made him happy, such as getting to look after the class stick insect, or reading in assembly – Theo only wished she could be that care free again, free of all the loads which were bearing down on her soul and sanity.9

“Mom I wanna see Gran tonight – can we please?” asked Dylan imploringly, his dark eyes piercing Theo like a needle, “not tonight son. I want to spend the night in with you.”10

As much as Dylan always begged, Theo somehow found an excuse not to visit her mother. She detested her mother and everything about her. 11

“But mom we’re always together! Please can we see grandma? Please?”12

Theo became impatient at his constant need to be in touch with the psychotic woman who called herself his Nana, “no Dylan and stop asking!”13

Dylan hung his head in obvious disappointment, and Theo couldn’t stand the guilt. 14

Almost like clockwork, the phone started to ring, and who should have been on the line but Nana.15

“Mother – you can’t see Dylan tonight. It’s just not a possibility.” Said Theo firmly.16

“No Theodora, I don’t take that as an acceptable reason. Just because you and I have our differences, does not mean we have to shower Dylan with them. I’m coming over.”17

And with a click, she hung up the phone. Theo knew that there was nothing she could do, Nana was going to come over whether she let her or not.18

As soon as the door slammed that night, Theo felt an overwhelming sense of fear, betrayal and unhappiness – unworthiness all at the same time. She had lost her son to that bitch, even if it was only for one night. She desperately tried to think of a way to escape the horrors of what had become her life, the shame, the vindictiveness, the sheer disgust for all happy things around her. She ran into the kitchenette, and without a second thought grabbed the knife which she had come close to ending her life with only the night before. She glided the blade across her wrists, which now glistened with thick dark blood. She collapsed to the floor, and felt all her emotions flood out of her with her life – only one thing remained in her heart, Dylan.19