Zutto

“Breathe in for luck, breathe in so deep, this air is blessed, you share with me. This night is wild, so calm and dull, these hearts they race, from self control. Your legs are smooth, as they graze mine, we're doing fine, we're doing nothing at all. My hopes are so high, that your kiss might kill me. So won't you kill me, so I die happy. My heart is yours to fill or burst, to break or bury, or wear as jewelry, which ever you prefer. The words are hushed lets not get busted; just lay entwined here, undiscovered. Safe in here from all the stupid questions. "Hey did you get some?" Man, that is so dumb. Stay quiet, stay near, stay close they can't hear...so we can get some. My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me. So won't you kill me, so I die happy. My heart is yours to fill or burst, to break or bury, or wear as jewelry, which ever you prefer. Hands down this is the best day I can ever remember, I'll always remember the sound of the stereo, the dim of the soft lights, the scent of your hair that you twirled in your fingers and the time on the clock when we realized it's so late and this walk that we shared together. The streets were wet and the gate was locked so I jumped it, and I let you in. And you stood at your door with your hands on my waist and you kissed me like you meant it. And I knew that you meant it, that you meant it, that you meant it, and I knew, that you meant it, that you meant it.”1

~Dashboard Confessional2

He had always been there, since Kerli was twelve years old. He haunted the same places and people she did. It was this way for three years and they never knew. They breathed the same air for three years and they were clueless.3

He was there for karate. Kerli never saw him. She was always buried in a book or avoiding the other children in the church whom she hated. But he saw her.4

“I remember you. You were alone in a corner somewhere—your hair still pulled up the same way.”5

“I don’t remember you! That’s so weird!” she laughed.6

“You don’t remember anything!” he said—teasing, always teasing.7

The first time she saw him was, of course, at church. Kerli and her best friend, Catherine, had arrived late, as usual. There were several new people. He was just another face in the crowd. They were playing a game. They wrote down three facts about themselves so that no one else could guess whose card it was. His card read “Plays guitar, hates fruits and vegetables, and skateboards.” He played guitar before it became a fad—and he played well, too. There were times when he played for her on the phone and she mistook it for a CD playing. But it was Sorryn. And it was something that he had made up.8

As the two girls sat down, slightly away from the group, he looked at her. It was, what she deemed, a curious, “Hey,-who-are-you?-You’re-like-me” look. Interest. 9

And that was all.10

Right there, five feet away from each other, and they had no idea what they would share.11

It was the church’s annual summer camp trip. Sorryn was there. Kerli thought it was weird, him being so new and all. She stepped on the bus and right there, she knew he liked her. Later, on an AIM conversation, she got him to confess that he liked her, saying, “Please. I knew from the moment I walked on the bus. I was like, ‘Dude, what’s with the drool?!’ ”12

This time, they were going to Colorado. Thirty-four hour drive. Thankfully, Kerli had her bestfriend and a decent collection of CDs. Actually, it was pretty much the only decent set on the bus. No one else really brought any, as it was a Christian trip and they were discouraged from bringing secular music on board. Her CD case got circulated around the bus—including to Sorryn.13

He told her he liked a lot of the bands that she had and that he’d let her borrow his CD case when they got back.14

Later, she saw him sitting alone at Subway. She felt sorry for him and figured they could talk about music. But they talked about everything—even really personal stuff. It was easy to talk to him. Easier than anyone else since her bestfriend. When she got up to leave, she wondered what the heck she just did. She felt in a daze, like it hadn’t really happened. Why had she left her bestfriend to sit with a guy who she barely knew and really didn’t like?15

Very late at night or really early morning, he kept talking to her. She said something to make him laugh. He leaned his head down on the front of the seat, looking at her with a cute, white-toothed grin. She could see it in his eyes. That boy had it bad for her. She found it annoying. She put on headphones and turned away before he made even more an idiot of himself.16

The next day, Star Wars II was playing on the TVs. Sorryn was sitting all alone, looking really pissed. Kerli moved over and sat next to him. Again, she didn’t know why, didn’t realize what she was doing. She just saw him and moved. It was like she was no longer in control of anything when she was around him. 17

They talked a little again. The scene was Padme and Anikin about to go into the arena for their deaths. Kerli had already seen it before and told him how she hated that part because it was sickeningly romantic. She briefly recalled watching Star Wars VI on the previous camp trip with her ex-boyfriend. But she didn’t think of the irony then, of course.18

After the confessions of undying love were over, she said, “Okay, it wasn’t as bad as I remember.”19

Sorryn didn’t say anything. Kerli soon snapped out of it, and moved back to sit with Catherine, who was having her own troubles with annoying middle schoolers.20

Over the rest of summer, she hung out with Sorryn at church and talked with him on the internet. They snuck on the computer until three in the morning talking. It was fun. She really liked talking to him. She could tell he really liked her. 21

He had only had two relationships, and the same for her.22

“The third times the charm,” he said.23

Well, she was going to say yes, but she was going to do it her way.24

It took her three days. She had his whole huge CD case with thirty slots in it. She cut up little pieces of paper and stuck one in each slot. On one side was something about her—like a question and the answer was on the back. They were stupid things like what was her favorite color, song, band, etcetera. But she also dropped little hints, too.25

“Every guy I’ve ever liked favorite color was red.”26

His favorite colors were red and black.27

“Every guy I’ve ever dated has only had sisters.”28

He had two older sisters and one younger. No brothers.29

The last two cards were the most important. The second to the last one said, 30

“Boys are so stupid. You have to have a flashing, neon sign above your head so they’ll know that you like them!”31

And the last one said on the front, “I think I need a flashing sign for you, Sorryn.” and on the back, “And the answer is yes.”32

The funniest and strangest thing about it was...they had barely talked for a month and he only got four questions wrong.33

***34

“Sanctuary”35

Every breath I inhale36

Is laced with your name37

So that every breath I exhale38

Calls out to you.39

I want to breathe in as you breathe out40

So that I can have your essence flowing through my lungs41

Because you are my oxygen.42

But you take my breath away,43

So kiss me quick before I pass out.44

Without you, there is no breath -45

There is no love -46

There is no life.47

I love you.48

And I want me to melt into you,49

So that all those times you make me melt,50

My love is not wasted51

And I have somewhere to flow into.52

Take me.53

Take all of me54

Take and give NOTHING back,55

For you are my reward and treasure.56

I cannot live without you57

And I'm not sure how I did before.58

I guess I was asleep -59

One hundred years60

Until my fairy-tale king woke me with a kiss.61

Now my life's a waking fairy-tale62

And you are my dream63

When I'm not sleeping64

And every stars' glow65

Turns into a twinkle66

For every wish I blow to them67

But they couldn't bring me you.68

I'll never wish on anything but you.69

I don't know how you found me,70

But you did71

And I'm riding on clouds of ecstasy.72

You are my hope -73

The one real thing74

In this world full of lies75

That I can see and touch and believe in.76

Forever I want to fall away into you77

And never return from the sanctuary of your arms.78

I LOVE YOU.79

***80

[[Two Years Later]]81

"So are you ever going to leave him?" Catherine asked Kerli, handing her a newly washed glass. "He treats you like crap!"82

Kerli, getting sick of this talk about her kinda-sorta boyfriend, just sighed and took the glass. "No, I'm not. And he doesn't treat me like crap." She shoved the hand-towel into the glass and twisted it to get all the water out of the bottom. "Just because he doesn't grovel at my feet, making ridiculous and undependable promises of our future together does not mean he treats me like crap, Cathy."83

Catherine just sniffed and handed her a plate. "Whatever. And Arwin doesn't grovel at my feet. And what's the point of a relationship if you don't go into it hoping that you've found the person you're going to be with forever?"84

"Um, how about having fun, for a start?" Kerli walked past her and put up the plate in a cabinet. That was the ultimate sign of friendship: when you washed dishes that weren't either of yours and then you knew where everything went. "I'll worry about the future when it's necessary. Which, right now, it isn't. And that whole getting your hopes up thing isn't up my alley. You, however, can do whatever you please in your relationships, heartbreak and all, and I'll do what I want in mine."85

"You don't really want things like this, do you? You know you don't." Catherine turned and stared hard into Kerli's eyes, dead serious, searching.86

Kerli swallowed. True, sometimes it did make things a little complicated, awkward, and difficult to explain. And it did cause many annoying conversations such as this one to arise, but, really, when she looked at other girls and had to listen to their problems in their relationships, she would be so thankful hers wasn't as serious.87

"No, I don't. I really don't. Don't think that you know what I want. I'm fine. I'm happy with the way things are. Really. I am." And she meant it.88

"Alright, if you're really happy...I just don't like it." Catherine wiped her hands on her jeans and leaned back on the blue tiled counter.89

Kerli sighed. "Not every boy is the same. It's been this long and we've been together. He hasn't left yet, and I know it's not because he's expecting sex, because, obviously, we haven’t gone there yet."90

"Still....I don't trust him."91

Kerli shrugged. They flipped the kitchen television to the Oxygen channel, where some typical romance, girl-power, made-for-TV movie was on. 92

Actually, Kerli didn't know what he was expecting. What he wanted, or why he even talked to her. They had a rough relationship in the past and, even though they hadn't really said it, she knew this was like another trial run to see how they could do this time. So far it had been three months. A record. She'd asked him about it, but never really got a straight answer. He seemed to change his mind about how he felt about them every few weeks. Some days they would be just friends, sometimes he would love her, and sometimes, he wouldn't care about her at all. Or claim to. She was used to this, however, and took it in stride. It's just how Sorryn was. They were just kids, still in highschool. They didn't need to be playing the marriage game anyway. They had their own games, and they were complicated enough.93

As she watched the woman smiling, falling helplessly into the eyes of a handsome, dark-haired man, after some annoyingly cheesy line that only movie characters could get away with without being shot, she sighed and wished that all relationships could be that simple. Boy meets girl, boy and girl hit it off, have an amazing week or two, something bad happens and nearly ruins the relationship, and by the end, all is forgotten, and said couple rides off into the sunset.94

But this was real life and real life didn't work that way. Sometimes, she wished it did. 95

But then, sometimes, when Sorryn did something random and spontaneous, making her break all her rules about how she should act, she was glad that life was messy and random. Her friends didn't like it too much, but Kerli was more in love with him than any movie character could ever try to fake.96

That was the one thing she was sure of. 97

And the one thing she knew would never change.98

***99

“Infinity”100

And I'm scared for me, too101

Cuz you're still the only boy102

Who can make me cry103

No matter how many years go by,104

No matter how many times we repeat the same drama.105

I'll love you til the end of time,106

The end of the Great Moment.107

Our forever is Forever.108

***109

Kerli leaned against her car in the dark of the night. It was quiet and her stomach was eating itself alive with nerves. She was wearing her favorite pair of jeans and a cream and brown stripped, pregnant-style, sleeveless shirt. She was doused in their favorite perfume, Vanilla Fantasy. She felt weird, getting so “prepared” to meet Sorryn. They had been together for almost two years. She knew she didn’t have to impress him and that he honestly didn’t care, but, still, she tried whenever she got to see him—which wasn’t often—to look her best. 110

She was glad it was summer. The night was warm and the stars were bright. The crickets and cicadas sang loudly, in a strange harmony that Kerli found as comforting as any lullaby. She smiled there, alone in the darkness, joyful, nervous, and anticipating all at the same time. She slowly walked to the top of her long, gravel driveway, enjoying the night, savoring it, dreading the winter she knew would be upon her all too soon. 111

A red Suburban pulled up. She tried not to grin, but act casual, as if sneaking out of her house to meet her boyfriend was something she did every night, and hopped in.112

***113

“The Color of Forever”114

I'm glad I don't hate the canvas of my life anymore.115

And on my canvas,116

You are the best117

and the brightest118

S-P-L-A-T-T-E-R-S of YOU-YOU-YOU119

are e v e r y w h e r e .120

You are my favorite color.121

I want to paint your color Forever.122

***123

The wind blew their hair wildly. The music was loud and they sang at the top of their lungs, as trees and stars whirled past. She felt like they were leaving it all behind. Nothing could catch up to them. They drove and drove, happy and feeling—for the first time in such a long time—that all was right with the world. They were together and had the whole night to kill.124

After driving around for an hour, they pulled in at Sorryn’s school parking lot, which doubled as a church. It was a private school that a lot of home-schooled kids attended. Sorryn’s parents were big Christians and could afford to send him there. Kerli couldn’t help but think that this was ironic. They grinned at each other, sharing a lover’s secret. 125

Sorryn took out his camera and randomly snapped pictures of Kerli and himself and them together. Kerli smiled. He was being cute. They talked a lot. It made her really happy, because she rarely got to really talk to him in person. This was the main reason they didn’t officially go out—they could never see each other. But it was all right. It was just one more difficulty that they would overcome. It made them appreciate the time they got to spend with each other. Kerli hated hearing other girls complain about how they never got to spend enough time with their boyfriend. 126

“God forbid you should see him less than every day at school,” she would mutter under her breath.127

She thought of this as they stood outside the Suburban, Sorryn smoking a cigarette, Kerli leaning against him, his arm curling over the small of her back, pulling her close. She listened to his heartbeat and the night and thought the moment perfect. The smoke floated lazily against the black, star-studded sky. He offered it to her and she inhaled. It was her first cigarette and was happy that it had touched his lips just seconds before. They shared the cigarette and Kerli clung to him as she became dizzy with the nicotine rush.128

“It’s always like that the first time,” he told her. “But don’t ever smoke more than three in a day when you first start out, or you’ll get sick.” That was Sorryn. He let her make her own decisions, her own mistakes, but he always made sure to take care of her. It was what she loved best about him. He let her live and didn’t preach at her. He was never hypocritical and always wore his heart on his sleeve. He was sincere. Kerli thanked her lucky stars that Fate kept them together. He meant more to her than he could comprehend.129

They searched the Suburban and the surrounding land for a good thirty minutes. Kerli came back to the car, her stomach clenched tight.130

“Stay positive,” he told her. She couldn’t find her house key. Kerli was near tears. She was locked out of her house. How could she sneak back in? She would be crucified. She would be grounded for life. She would never be able to talk to Sorryn again. “We’ll find it.”131

He took out all the seats to triple check the floor of the Suburban.132

“There! I found it!” he exclaimed, pulling it out of one of the slots where the seats locked in.133

Kerli exhaled, so relieved, yet still shaking.134

“See? You freaked for nothing!” he laughed. “I told you to stay positive!” He said it softly, though, smiling at her, amused and affectionate. When he looked at her like that, somehow, she always felt little around him. She didn’t know when this happened. She used to feel like they were on the same level. Now she felt like a child with a first crush, trying so hard to get his attention and impress him. She supposed it was after he changed so much. He grew up over the summer they broke up. He was still the same Sorryn, but at the same time, very different. He was confident, mellow, and laughed easier. One couldn’t help but feel comfortable around him and everybody loved him. It made her happy to see him happy like this. 135

“How have I changed?” she asked him, one night. 136

“You deal with stuff better. You don’t keep it all in and take it out on me and Catherine. You just take it and deal with it.”137

They had walked over to the bleachers of his football field. His head was in her lap as she played with his hair. He knew she loved to do that. She had missed it. She had missed him. They looked at the stars and talked about all the things that they sidestepped on the phone. They talked about the future, life, religion, their friends, anything, everything, and all in between. Kerli was more happy than she had been in her entire life. 138

“Look! Did you see it?” Sorryn said, pointing behind her head.139

“No, what was it?” Kerli asked, searching the sky behind her.140

“Aw, it was a shooting star.” He lay back down. 141

“Man, I’m never going to get to see one!” she complained.142

“I’ve seen three.”143

Kerli smiled and remembered the first note he had ever written her, back in October of tenth grade. 144

“I just saw a shooting star! I made a wish and it came true! I’d tell you, but I don’t want to jinx it...” 145

When she read that, she knew that Sorryn was special.146

It was three in the morning and quiet. They stayed there, still and silent and watched the stars. She could hear Sorryn breathing softly as he began to fall asleep. Then she saw it. A streak of light flew across the sky.147

“Oh my, God!” she shouted. “I saw one, Sorryn! I saw a shooting star!”148

“Did you make a wish?” he asked.149

“No. I don’t usually wish...”150

“You should.”151

She did.152

“It was kind of vague,” she said. “It was pretty much the same thing I always wish for.”153

“What?” he asked, turning his head slightly to look up at her.154

“I can’t tell or it won’t come true...” 155

“Ah. Right.” She could tell he was disappointed.156

“Well, I guess it’s okay, since I wish for it so much anyways. I just wished that we’d both be happy. You know. Even if it’s individually. I always wish for that.”157

Sorryn didn’t say anything, just squeezed her in a little hug. She could feel his smile even though she couldn’t see it. 158

They watched clouds cover the sky, the stars blinking out one by one as the sun was rising. The darkness dissipated in waves, one moment in darkness, then, light. And so on until all the dark was gone and the sky was one solid light, soft blue.159

Blue Burns Orange, she thought, remembering the song by Hawthorne Heights, as she crawled into bed, after saying good-bye. She ran the entire night over in her head. 160

It had been a rough year since they broke up last May. They had been through hell and back, together and alone. But they always, no matter how they tried, came back to each other. It was like powers beyond their own choices were continuously forcing them to try again. She still thought back to the first days when she talked to him, the boy she couldn’t stand, the boy she didn’t know, and had no romantic interest in. How was she to know that that lonely boy she sat with at Subway was the love of her life? 161

A lot of things had changed, with each other and just with their lives in general. But she knew one thing would never change. She was going to love Sorryn until the day she died. And in some way or another, they would always be together. Forever.162

The song played on in her head.163

“Bleed these colors open wide,164

Burning blues from butterflies165

Tonight we, tonight we fly.166

Flying faster through the night167

Until the orange of morning light168

Dear black, good-bye. Dear black, good-bye.”169

***170

“Five Senses”171

It's such a warm summer night172

The kind where we'd open the car windows173

And lay naked in the backseat, or hold each other outside174

Laughing continually175

And your sweat smells so sweet and you taste so amazing176

I can't get enough of this night177

Don't let go of my hand178

You can lay in my lap forever and ever and ever179

Under the starry sky180

The cicadas keeping us company181

As the sky slowly gets lighter in blue waves182

The stars slowly fade and wispy clouds move into sight183

And we pray that rain will not come and ruin our peace184

But really, we didn't care, as long as we could keep that moment frozen forever185

And you can hold me in your arms forever and ever and ever186

Under the glowing sky187

A pack of cigarettes to keep us company188

In an empty parking lot and in empty football bleachers on an empty football field189

Under a wish-filled sky,190

Where we whispered our hearts out loud to fill the emptiness of the world around us,191

So that it was full of us together,192

As if we were the only ones who existed and had ever existed before and this was a time that would go on and on and on into infinity193

Let me hold your hand forever and ever and ever194

Under cloud-strafed sky195

And you can take as many pictures as you want,196

Cuz they won't make this moment any more precious to me than it already is,197

And it will always be here with me eternally in my memories,198

Even as the sun comes up and we're forced to come back down to the reality of this world and drag our feet back home, glowing and burning with passion and love and fullness of each other's presence,199

I have been tainted by you.200

Are you tainted by me?201

You are the sweetest sin I've ever committed, and you are more addictive than any drug ever known to mankind202

And I will never quit you.203

I will love you forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and on into eternity,204

To the demise of my soul and my ability to love you205

Under this summer sky of dreams.206

Kiss me goodbye.207

I will see you before long.208

***209