It was the beginning of dusk, the evening that it happened. Princess Rose sat in front of her vanity mirror, smirking as she brushed her luminous blonde hair. She was so beautiful, and she knew it. Her eyes were the color of the soft gentle tides on the ocean beaches; her skin the color of sweet milk and honey. Selnair had never seen such a beauty in all of its time, and probably would not again, she knew. She hummed quietly to herself, the sound as soft as a bird singing the first song of springtime. Her lips were the shade of the loveliest cherry in bloom, naturally. Everything was perfect about her.1
That’s why she didn’t need anyone else.2
She didn’t need a prince to whisk her away and then make her bear children the rest of her life. No, that’s not what she wanted. She only wanted to be beautiful, forever, and live alone in her vanity. No suitor was good enough to be her lover; she was all she would ever need. She was beautiful, perfect, one might say, and one that was perfect would never need another… right? Right. Setting down her brush in triumph, she started her walk down to the throne room to speak with her father about her choice. He would not like it, but he had to understand that no one was good enough to be her lover! He had to understand, right?3
This was not so. Fathers, or even kings, who needed them?4
Stomping down the halls and grumbling about stupid men, she turned to go up the stairs. But wait, what was that noise? Knocking, it was. Pray for the sad soul to catch this princess at the door. Fuming, she snapped open the door. “WHAT?” she asked menacingly, glowering at the individual before her. He shrunk back. “Um, I-.” “WHAT?” she asked again, her voice laced with impatience. “I just need a place to stay, my stable; it was burned down to the ground…” “NO VACANCIES HERE!” With that, the door was slammed promptly in his face. She turned to the stairs again, taking three steps before-5
“WHAT DO YOU WANT NOW???”6
Uh oh. Magic sparkled about the man and he transformed into a lovely witch. Of course, she would never be as lovely as Princess Rose. But, moving on. Ah yes, the witch. She looked quite mad. Yeah. “Um…” Princess Rose mumbled sheepishly. “Wrong answer,” said the witch, glaring at the girl before her. “And, for that, I believe a curse is in order…” Rose gulped. Great. What a day. “Princess Rose, correct? Hmm… For one as lovely as one, you surely do not look like a real rose…” the witch looked behind herself into the sunset, then back to Rose. “When the sunset begins, until the sunrise starts, you shall remain human. Otherwise, my lovely flower, shall you be one!” …Nothing. Was she lying? Princess Rose was confused. To confuse her more, she supposed, the witch disappeared, a smirk on her coy face.7
“FAAAAAAATHEEEEEERRRRRR!!!” Princess Rose whined, running into the throne room once again. 8
“What is it, now?” the king demanded.9
“Therewasawitchandsheismeanandshepretendedtobeamanbutsheisawitch AND NOW I’M CURSED!!!”10
“… Excuse me? Cursed? My daughter is cursed? How did this come to happen?!”11
After telling him the story at a much slower rate, the king gave a distressed sigh. 12
“How can you get rid of it?” he asked calmly.13
“… She didn’t mention anything about that… Hey, isn’t it against their rules not to give curses a way out?!” A poof of smoke clouded the room for a moment.14
The witch was back? What now??15
“Sorry about that!” the witch exclaimed sheepishly. “Ahem. The only way that you may stop the curse is to fall in love with one other than yourself as much as you love yourself by your birthday.”16
Then she was gone. Oh, great.17
The king snorted. “Good luck with that…” The princess huffed and ran up to her room, fuming in her anger. Was everyone against her?
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Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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This is really interesting and so cute! I hope that you decide to finish it as I would love to read more
~Joann
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I really liked your Witch Rose character! LOL I enjoy how she sees the flaws of the Pricess right off the bat. It shows how shallow she actually is. I really liked the story, keep it up!
Melissa
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very cute...will you finish it///
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It's kind of a nice play on parody while creating a new fairy tale.
The cartoon antics and banter do bother me a bit though. That's mostly personal preference, and also likely me being older than the intended age group (ugh). That said, perhaps you could try this same scene portrayed in a couple different styles to see which one works the best before you commit to writing the rest of it.
Character-wise, I much prefer the vain, cold Rose presented in the beginning to the bratty harpy that comes out when things don't go her way later on. Please, can I see more of the first? She intrigued me and reminded me of the Taming of the Shrew.
As for the writing, it bothers me that you use ALL CAPS. Italicizing or boldening text still gets the point across without reducing readability.
Gah, it's new year's, isn't it. Have to go. Thanks for the applause earlier.
C. E. Welman
Not much sense in rating an incomplete intro, so I'll try to do so later if/when you update.
Ta.
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Thanks for the advice. You're a very good writer, you deserved it. I'll try to work out something different than the caps. See ya next year!
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Very cute...
That was very funny. I especially enjoyed the part where she was talking very quickly. Creative I would say. I also really liked the part where you said: "Of course, she would never be as lovely as Princess Rose. But, moving on." That was hilarious. All the grammatical and logical stuff that sri-ganesh is saying should be taken to consideration, but overall, I thought it was very cute. Well written my friend. Oh, and I had to comment while it was hot on my mind. -
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Thank you. I'm trying to make the narrator sound a bit humorously witty about her. =)
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Get your comments while I got 'em.
Overall, I think it's pretty good. I'd break the third paragraph into two separate ones so that the fourth paragraph was where she is "Setting down her brush ...".
The fifth paragraph doesn't work so well. She wouldn't answer the door and a stable owner wouldn't go knock on a castle door. Perhaps a better pretext for the guy to be knocking on the door would solve the problem. Also, the dialogue needs to be broken into separate paragraphs so that it's easier to follow. (Like you did later on after the 8th paragraph.)
At the end of the fifth paragraph she heads back up the steps and then shouts, but nothing prompted the shout. Easily fixed by having the door burst open with a loud clang, or something similar.
Break up the seventh paragraph into several because of the dialogue. I like the tenth paragraph with all the words running together. In the 16th paragraph change "exclaimed" to "apologized" because exclaiming is contrary to sheepish. When is her birthday? Maybe add a reference in the 17th paragraph about how long she had. Something like: "Oh great, in 10 days she'd permanently be a flower."
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