What does sexuality have to do with it?

Dear Diary,1

It's raining again and it's coming down in what seems like sheets. I don't mind it though, all the rain and thunder is hiding any noise I'll make. It's hard to even write down these words. I can barely see what I'm doing. I don't remember crying so hard and I don't think I can bring myself to stop for some time. I haven't felt my chest clench so tight, and I feel like my air passages are closing in on me. I don't think I can live through the pain that is running through my veins. All I wanted was one thing Diary, and I won't get the chance. I never had a chance, but I had hoped for it and I had to let it all go. Am I wrong? Was it wrong to let someone you love so much, go and know that even if they are the happiest on this planet with that other person...you just know that you love them so much more.2

I guess, they'll never truly know how I feel. I just can't stand it, and I know that I did something right....atleast I hope so. I guess...I just have myself to blame for any of this pain that I'm feeling now. He and I never would of worked out, even if in my mind we were perfect for each other. There was things at work ripping us apart. One fact of the matter was, that he was gay. He could of had any emotional relationship he wanted, but he couldn't see much past a close friendship. I wanted more Diary, oh gawd did I want more.3

I thought that maybe it wouldn't matter that he was gay, if I loved him enough...even if it was a fruitless attempt that it would change his mind. I watched relationship after relationship shatter infront of him. I held him crying, and I cried too. I would laugh when he did, and when he was angry I was too. We soared on each other's dreams and we held onto what we had. But, it wasn't enough Diary. Everything we ever did wasn't enough, not for him and never for me. I wanted more and more and more. Now, here I am sitting here...wanting all this to go away.4

The reality of it is Diary, is that it won't go away and my scars may never heal. It's my own doing and I have no one to blame but myself.5