The Trouble With Alzheimer's

My mom the alzheimer's patient1

Now before i start in, let me just say, yes i love my mom and no, i dont find alzheimer's funny, but the fact that she is demonstrates these symptoms without actually suffering from the disease allows me to laugh.  I have chosen not to fictionalize this in any way because, quite frankly, it doesn't need it.  So that said...2

Friday night i went out to South Amboy to see Lagwagon play live.  Now if you havent heard of lagwagon all you need to know for this story to work is that they are a punk band who i happen to obsessively like.  My mom was kind enough to furnish a ride, both there and back.  In order for her to pick me up though she needed to know what time the show was over.  So i asked a few people and no one knew, so i signaled to her i would call her when the show ended, and she agreed.  She then drove off, soon after which it began to rain very hard.  After a couple minutes standing in the rain, her car pulls back around, i expected her to ask if i wanted to wait in the car until the doors opened, but instead she said "I met the band. It's over at 11:30."  I laughed and she drove off again.  It wasnt until after the concert that i discovered the full gravity of what had happened.3

After she drove away she pulled into the back parking lot (which was ungated because equipment was still arriving) and parked.  And then, like an Alzheimer's patient wandered into the back stage area through the rear door.  There she saw someone who looked like he might know what he was doing.  Now based on the information i pried out of her and a picture i showed her on their website ive managed to establish that the band member she in fact met was Joey Cape, the lead singer.  Here's is how it actually went down (i swear to you this is true, i wouldnt make this up if i had too): 4

Mom: Excuse me5

(no answer)6

Mom: (with slightly more attitude this time, and snapping her fingers) Excuse Me7

Joey Cape: Yeah?8

Mom: Hi, im trying to find out when this thing is over9

Joey Cape: (probably not knowing himself, and a bit off put) do you know who i am?10

Mom: No should I11

*which is a fair enough response, it's not as though he's entirely that famous.  It would have remained a fair response had she not continued to say:12

Mom: Do you know who I am13

*yes she actually said that, now you can interpret this in one of two ways: 1. Her old timey sensibility told her to just ask the same question back or 2. (the far more likely option) she was actually asking 'do you know who i am, where do i live, where am i, are you my daughter?' in typical Alzheimer's fashion.14

Mom: I'm the mother of a boy who paid to see the show tonight15

*i guess she felt that gave her sway, ya know 'the customer is always right'16

Joey Cape: I'm in lagwagon17

Mom: Oh yeah, my son went to see Land Wagon tonight18

*yes, thats right, yet another symptom.  She said the wrong band name right to his face, and not only that, but he had just said it, all she needed do was repeat it back.  Clearly another sign that the Alzheimer's disease is progressing19

(at this point their agent came over)20

Agent: what are you doing here21

Mom: im just trying ---22

agent: you dont talk to them, you talk to me, im their agent.  What did you want23

Mom: I'm just trying to find out when this thing is over24

Agent: Hmm, good question (calls back to rodie) Bob when's this thing over25

Bob: 11:3026

Agent: (to mom again) 11:30, now you need to leave27

Mom: you know you're being very rude28

*(Sigh, alright ma, these people make there livings being rude)29

(she was then escorted out)30

*i for one am just glad to know she found her car safely.  Side note though: we did get hopelessly lost on the drive home, despite having directions, and having made it there just fine31

So if your not a fan of lagwagon, then i should tell you that at least one song on each of their last 3 albums was about how they felt to old for this music shit, and they were hurting from lack of success.  Their latest album proclaims "We will never be the rolling stones...maybe we'll pull it off for one more year".  And this woman-at-your-show-has-never-heard-of-your-band thing seems like just the perfect thing to push them over the edge.  So that's right, my mom may have inadvertently broken up one of my favorite bands in the world.  So what's my point (this is supposed to be pointless)?  Dont lose patients with your parents so easily, cuz my mom wanders away from cars stumbles through parking lots breaking up bands i love, but i still love her as much as i ever have.  I dont blame her, Alzheimer's is a sickness, not a choice.32