"Grab the damn umbrella it's raining hard stupid!"1
Emery ignored her sister's words and rushed out the door. She quickly started running, into the forest. Heavy drops slapped against her pale skin. She closed her eyes searching her mind for a world of her own. Her eyes opened again. The Rain blurred her vision.2
She stopped suddenly. A sharp pain shot up her legs. Her feet and legs ached. Her feet were muddy and blood stained. She had neglected to put on shoes. They slowed her down. She felt confined wearing bulking running shoes. She could get over the pain. 3
She ran more and more till her ended up at a small stream. The rain subsided and slowly came to a stop. She struggled to return her breathing to normal. The trees dripped water it's leaves had collected. The ground was coated with slippery brown mud. The stream loudly rushed through the forest. It's water was darkened from the soft blue color it once held. 4
Her breathing was now normal. She soon started home. Every so often she would slip and fall into the mud but she always got back up again. She finally came into the clearing. The tall house beckoned her, promising warmth and dry clothes. She stared at it long and hard. It's black roof was in ok conditions but the windows were very dirty. She wouldn't be cleaning them though. They'd stay that way till it's new owners decided to clean it. She signed and trudged toward the porch.5
The door swung open revealing a fuming girl, not much older then herself. The girl's long black hair was tied up into a messy bun. A few strands had got lose and were pushed behind her ear. the thick bags under her eyes told Emery that she was tired. Her eye's held much rage toward Emery.6
She looked Emery's muddy body up and down. She stared at her bloody feet. Emery looked away terrified of her sister's reaction. 7
"Get inside child.." she said in a dangerously low voice.8
Emery obediently entered the house. She rushed to the bathroom locking the door. She stripped herself of her muddy clothes and stepped into the shower. The cold water relaxed her tense muscles. 9
Once she was dressed and sure her sister had calmed she stepped into the kitchen where her sister was preparing dinner. She didn't move when Emery entered. 10
"What's cooking..?" she asked nervously.11
"Did you pack up your room yet?" 12
"no."13
"The movers will be here in a few days.. Go get packing..I'll call your for dinner."14
Emery slowly walked out of the kitchen and towards her room.
Author notes
I'm working on getting better. Criticism welcomed
A contest entry
- Prewrites (again) by potaytee.
150 points, ended December 27, 2007, 92 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
comment me or don't w/e
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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This is cool, it's not particlularly badly written, though there are a few minor errors in paragraphs 4, 5, 14. Other than that it seems like a great beginning. I like the way you've decribed her trepadition, and the image of the blood on her feet. Like I said cool.

beginning: 4, language: 4, ending: 5.
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this was flippin awesome...please continue it

oh and i would but three applaud thingys but im trying to add up more points

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Is this the beginning of a longer story? If so, some background for these characters would be good. Why are they who they are?
When the girl with the messy bun was introduced as well as this house among the trees, I got a distinct image of a witch. Was that intentional? It's cool either way
This is very good, especially for someone so young. Good build-up, good character establishment. Noice work <3
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really like ur othe stories and get better. keep it up
-steven -
Okay, are you going to expand on this? I wasn't ready for it to end. Good story

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wow....just wow..
i had a dream EAXCTLY like this. but instead, the girl was running AWAY fromt the house with thte dirty windows. weird.
i love it, i could never put it into words how amazing it was. =] great read.
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