Dangerous Discovery

I never knew what was happening to Hallie until she was 16 and I was 17. By then, it had been going on for nearly a year, and it was almost too late for me to do anything about it. Even when I found out, I was too scared, too stupid to do anything about it. I, Jenna Roswell, am known for being stupid.

I've always been close to Hallie, since we are so close in age. We fight all the time of course, but we could never stay mad at each other for more than 30 minutes. When we were little, she would follow me around, copying everything I did. Sure, it bugged me a lot, but sometimes,it pleased me, because she obviously thought I was cool.

Hallie could be a real brat sometimes, cutting sarcastic comments at me or being petty, but mostly, she was awesome. She was pretty, very pretty. It used to bug me that my little sister attracted more guys than I did. She got all A's in school and was vice president of the Beta Club. She had tons of friends, unlike me. I'm not a nerd or anything, but I couldn't be called popular like Hallie was. I was ordinary.

I hadn't a clue that Hallie was unhappy. Why should she have been? She had everything.

The night I first found out, I was taking a bath, and Hallie was in the bathroom with me, sitting on the toilet seat and painting her toenails. She knows I hate bare feet, but faking blissful obliviance, she wiggled her toes at me.

" Hallie, quit," I said, wrinkling my nose.

" Quit what?" she said innocently, pushing her foot closer. She was being her usual self, cheerful, bratty. Perfectly normal. As I remember this, I can't recall her acting different in any way than usual.

We used to do this sometimes, talking to each other while we bathed. It might sound weird to a lot of people, but it wasn't to us. We had done it from the time we were little, and I guess we never saw a reason to stop. Thinking about it now kind of makes me miss it.

I made a face at Hallie as she continued to keep her feet in my face. She didn't appear to notice. Yeah, right.

" Hey Jenna," she piped up, " when do you think you're getting out?"

" Why, are you in a rush to go somewhere or something?"

" Nope. Just sick of seeing you naked."

" Ha ha," I said sarcastically. " Why don't you leave then. Or at least get your feet out of my face."

I was kind of kidding, (well, not about the feet, but the leaving part anyway) but Hallie got up and left. I looked after her, a little surprised.

" Okayyyy," I muttered. " Miss Sensitive, aren't we?"

After my bath, I went to my room to get in my pajamas. Wrapping my hair in a towel, I began to work on my calculus homework. I can read your thoughts already: What a nerd. I know, I know. Call me nerd girl, I guess. But it takes me forever, so I can't do it the class period before like Genius Hallie.

After a few problems, I got up to brush my hair. Realizing I had left my brush in the bathroom, I went to get it. The door was unlocked, but I could hear water running. Hallie must be in the bathtub, I thought.

I knocked softly and called her name. She didn't answer, so I puished the door open. Hallie let out a shriek as I walked in.

" Hallie, chill. I'm just getting my brush," I said.

Hallie tried to close the curtain, but it was too late. As I stepped into teh room, I saw her. You couldn't help but see her.

" Oh my God!" I screamed. " Oh my God Hallie, what did you do?!?!"

I stared at my sister, in shock. I couldn't believe my eyes. What had happened to her?!1

Hallie had been taking a bath in water so hot that the steam was rising off her shoulders. Her whole body was bright red, as though she had been scalded. The room felt like a sauna. But although that was strange, that wasn't what had freaked me out so badly. No, it was the scars that I was gaping at, the ugly, puckered wounds covering Hallie's upper arms, thighs, and even her stomach. They looked terrible. I saw some of them were bleeding. 2

My first thought was, she's had an accident. Oh god, Hallie's had an accident. But almost immediately I knew that was a stupid, unreasonable explanation. There were so many of them, in places no one usually sees. And some of them looked old, as though they had been there for some time. It was when my gaze fell upon the razor in Hallie's hand that my denial shattered, and it all clicked in place in my mind. 3

"Hallie!" I screeched. " Hallie, oh my God! God, you're bleeding!"4

Hallie, struggling frantically with the shower curtain but only succeeding in pulling it halfway closed because our rod has a niche the rings get caught on all the time, finally gave up.5

" I told you not to come in!" she shrieked, her face twisted with fury. "Why didn't you listen to me!? Go away Jenna! Go away and leave me alone? Get the hell out of here!"6

Her screams snapped me out of my frozen stupor. I ran to the tub, turning the steaming water off. Grabbing the razor from Hallie, I flung it across the room. Hallie screamed curse words at me, but I ignored her, grabbing her arm and yanking her to her feet, out of the tub. I grabbed her robe draped over the sink and draped it around her. Hallie continued to scream at me, fighting me as I manipulated her arms into it. I grabbed her hands and held them.7

" Why did you do that, Hallie?" I shouted, so upset I was almost crying. " What is the matter with you? Why did you do that to yourself?"8

" Shut up, Jenna! Just shut up!" Hallie screeched. Suddenly, her face crumpled, and she was crying, her whole body shaking violently as she sobbed, turning her face away from me.9

I wanted to cry too, but I put my arms around her and held her, stroking her back through the robe. Her head falling weakly to my shoulder, Hallie wept as though her whole world had been shattered.10

As I hugged her tightly, I realized with a start she felt different. Bony, even through the robe. I had been so mesmerized by her scars that I was just now realizing she had also looked like she had lost a lot of weight. What was the matter with me? Was I blind, that I hadn't seen that my own sister was getting downright skinny? Why was I so selfish to see that my sister was not happy, that she was hurting herself?11

Hallie began to talk, in a fast, high-pitched voice. It was hard to understand her through her tears.12

" I feel so evil!" she wailed. " There's something bad inside me, and I have to squash it! I want to hurt it, I'll never be able to make it go away, to make it be right. Jenna, it's just always going to be there, and I'll never get rid of it, I'll never be good enough."13

I hugged her, trying to shut her up. I didn't want to hear how unhappy she was. I felt like it was a sign of my failure as her older sister that she was. Hallie kept crying and babbling against my shoulder.14

" You don't understand, Jenna, you don't know! I’m a terrible person. I know I am. I have to do this, I have to punish myself."15

" What?" I burst out with, unable to stop myself. " Jenna, what are you talking about? You sound crazy!"16

Almost immediately I knew that was the worst thing I could have possibly said to her.17


My thoughts were confirmed when Hallie began to cry. " Exactly, Jenna, exactly!" she sobbed. " I'm crazy, okay? I'm crazy! I am absolutely insane!"4

I could have kicked myself. I was such a great comforter. Mother Jenna, that was me, all right. I have SUCH a talent for saying the right thing. 5

" Hallie, I'm sorry," I told her. " I didn't mean that. I'm sorry." I put my arms around her again. Though she had been out of the shower for ten minutes now, her skin was still bright red. I hoped she hadn't burned herself. I didn't really want to touch her, it looked so painful.6

When Hallie's tears had finally slowed, I tried to come up with something to say to her. I ended up saying exactly what I was thinking. Which wasn't what she wanted to hear.7

" Hallie, we've got to tell Mom and Dad," I told her. " They'll know what to do. When they come home, you need to tell them. If you won't, I will." 8

" No!" Hallie yelled, her back stiffening, her eyes growing wild and panicky. She shoved my arms off of her, backing away from me. " No, don't Jenna, don't you dare! Please, don't! You can't, I won't let you!"9

" We have to, honey. I can't let you hurt yourself like this! I'd hate myself if... if..." I didn't want to finish my sentence. But Hallie wasn't really listening anyway.10

" You can't!" she whimpered, shaking her head desperately. " Please Jenna, please! They'll say I'm crazy. They'll take me away, they'll put me in some clinic! The whole school will know, the whole town! I don't want to go, I want to stay here!" 11

Hallie looked and sounded like a frightened child. I had no idea what to do. I had to tell Mom and Dad. We couldn't keep something like this a secret! I couldn't let Hallie go on cutting herself! But if I told on her, what if she DID have to go to some clinic? I'd feel like I was betraying her, forcing her to go live with a bunch of insane people. 12

" But Hallie..." was all I could come up with. Hallie cut me off.13

"Don't! Don't, Jenna, just let it be! Just pretend you never saw me! I won't do it again, okay? Anything, just if you be quiet."14

The terrified look on her face, the most miserable, pained look I had ever seen on my sister, more than anything else made me speak.15

" Okay..." I said, before I even knew I was going to say it. " I won't for now, Hallie. But if I ever catch you again... if I even suspect..."16

Hallie threw her arms around my neck, still crying, I think out of relief as well as pain. 17

" Thank you!" she sobbed. " Thank you, Jenna."18

I knew even then I was making the wrong decision. But I felt like I COULDN'T tell on her. I didn't want to make her more upset than she was. I know it was irrational, stupid. But it was how I felt.19

I tried to talk to her about it some more, but she refused to discuss it further. She wouldn't tell me why she had done it, how she had lost weight, what was upsetting her. She went up to her room and shut the door, telling me she was tired. Yeah, right.20

I gave up after a while and flopped down on my bed, upset. Why was she doing this?! She'd always seemed so happy! What was wrong with her? Was she crazy, like she'd said?21

What was wrong with ME, for that matter? How could I have been so blind? and how the hell could I have told her I'd keep her secret?22

I had trouble sleeping that night. I kept seeing Hallie's red, bony, scarred body, the anguish on her face as she cried. I kept hearing her screaming, " I'm crazy, Jenna!" 23


The next morning when I woke up, I felt even worse about Hallie. I didn't know what I was going to do. How could I look at her all day, knowing what she was hiding, and not burst into tears? I didn't know if I'd be able to function. What's more, how could I look my parents in the eye, knowing what I know and not telling them? They deserved to know. But I didn't feel like I could tell them without betraying Hallie!1

Trying to distract myself, I got dressed and went downstairs to eat breakfast. Dad was leaving for work when I entered the kitchen. I avoided looking at him, pretending to be looking for something to eat. 2

" Morning, Jen," he said. " Is Hallie up yet?"3

I shrugged. " I haven't seen her yet," I said, still looking carefully away. I felt my cheeks grow warm from discomfort.4

" Will you go see if she's up? She's going to be late."5

Glad to have an excuse to leave, I turned and went upstairs to her bedroom. Entering it, I saw she wasn't up yet. She was curled up in bed, her face in a fitful, unrested expression. She didn't look very relaxed, even in sleep.6

I sat on her bed, bouncing a little without meaning to. 7

" Hallie, wake up. You're going to be late," I said gently.8

Hallie didn't stir. She was probably exhausted from last night's occurrence. I didn't really want to wake her up, but if I didn't, Mom would want to know why she hadn't gone to school. And Hallie herself, the straight A student, would probably fuss at me for allowing her to oversleep and miss school.9

" Hallie." I shook her shoulder gently. " Are you going to go to school?"10

Hallie moaned, moved slightly.11

" Leave me alone, Jenna," she whined.12

" Come on, you don't want to have to walk to school," I said, sliding back her covers. Hallie slapped at me. 13

" Ow! Don't be violent!" I said. 14

Jeez, she was in a crabby mood. Maybe I should just leave her alone and let her sleep. It wouldn't hurt her.15

Just as I thought that, though, Hallie opened her eyes groggily and sat up.16

I looked at her seriously.17

" Are you- do you feel better today?" I asked her quietly. I didn't know if she would freak out if I talked about what had happened. But it was preying on my mind. I needed to talk about it, to assure myself she wouldn't do it again. But I also knew how unlikely this was. How long had she been hurting herself before I knew about it? Why would me knowing about it make her stop? But I held a blind hope that somehow, some way, it would, that I could stop her.18

Hallie glared at me.19

" I did until you came in here and woke me up."20

She sounded more like herself today. Temporarily relieved, I hugged her impulsively. Hallie looked startled and pushed at my arms. 21

" What IS it with you, Jenna?" she asked.22

" I love you," I told her. 23

Hallie shook her head. 24

" You're in such a weird mood," she muttered. 25

Standing up, I reached out and messed up her hair. Hallie ducked, squawking. 26

" Hey!" 27

" See you," I called, turning around and going out the door. I felt a little better now. Hallie wasn't acting sad today. She was acting like her normal bratty self, in fact. 28

Now that I think of that, though, isn’t that a little strange? Yesterday she was almost hysterical, cutting and scalding herself and crying in my arms. And today she was acting like it had never happened, like everything was like it always was. Like I had never seen it. Now, today, in the light of morning and after seeing Hallie today, it seemed like yesterday was a long time ago, and very hard to believe. But I knew it HAD happened. So why was she acting like it hadn't?29

By the time I finished breakfast, Hallie was clomping downstairs. When she saw me coming, she said, " I get the bathroom first," and ran in it, shutting the door. I ran to open it, but she already had it locked. De ja vu big time. Not only did I need in there, but what was she doing in there? Was she hurting herself? 30

" Hallie!" I pounded on the door. " I need in here too!"31

She giggled. " Use Mom's."32

" Yeah, right. Come on, open up."33

" La la la," Hallie sang. I heard water running in the sink. My panic increased.34

" Hallie!"35

She didn't answer. But I could still hear her singing. Gradually I relaxed. I didn't think she was cutting herself. If she was, why would she be singing? She was just being annoying. I never thought I'd see the day that my sister being bratty would make me happy.36

Hallie stayed in the bathroom until we had about ten minutes left until it was time for school. When she emerged, smiling innocently, I was ready to strangle her. 37

" It's all yours, Jen," she said. " Better hurry. We're going to be late."38

" Jerk," I muttered, stepping inside. I quickly scanned the room but saw no signs of razors or anything she could have hurt herself with, thank God.39

Five minutes later, she was in the car we both paid for and share, honking the horn. Repeatedly. Muttering some not so sweet things about her, I hurried outside. My shoes weren't even tied. I tripped as I clunked down the stairs. 40

" Get a move on," Hallie hollered, not bothering to hide her grin. I threw my stuff in the back seat and walked to the passenger's side. 41

" You're so slow," Hallie griped as I finally plopped down grouchily in the seat. 42

I glared daggers at her. " I'm so slow! You were the one who spent the whole morning in the bathroom!"43

" Yeah, sure, blame me," Hallie said.44

'' Did you eat breakfast? You couldn't have. You spent the whole morning looking in the mirror," I snapped.45

Hallie shrugged. " I'll eat later."46

" You need to eat now, Hallie. You're too skinny. Are you dieting?" I asked, my voice getting more serious. She'd lost a lot of weight for someone who definitely didn't need to.47

" No, Jenna, I'm not dieting," Hallie snapped. " Leave me alone, ok? I'm fine. What, are you jealous or something?" 48

That comment really shocked me. Hallie had taken that question way more angrily then she should have. And the thing about me being jealous - that was so unlike Hallie to say. 49

" That's not very nice," I said finally. I've never been great with comebacks. My all time most brilliant one is "Well, you're stupid."50

We drove the rest of the way in silence. 51


The rest of the school day passed with nothing major happening. I didn't even think about Hallie much except during lunch, when I wondered briefly if I should tell my best friend, Rebecca, about last night. I decided not to quickly. Although Hallie and Rebecca liked each other, I didn't think Hallie would appreciate Rebecca knowing, especially since she wouldn't even tell mom and dad. Instead, we talked about major, earth-shattering things like whether or not Rebecca should go out with a guy in her chem class rather than her current boyfriend. 1

" I just don't know, Jen. I mean, I like Nick and all, but Matt is so cute! And nice too. I think he was checking me out today," Becca mused. 2

Rebecca, unlike me, has no problem attracting guys. I seem to have sign on my forehead reading Loser in that area. Rebecca is gorgeous, and friendly too. But she's not one of those popular snob types. She's a lot3

like Hallie, actually. It surprises me she's friends with me instead of her. Not that I'm an outcast or anything. I'm just one of those people that blends in and doesn't stand out.4

I rolled my eyes. " Oh Becca, what a problem to have two hot guys drooling over you," I said sarcastically. 5

" I'm serious!" Rebecca insisted. " should I break up with Nick? He's a little boring."6

" Pass him down to me then," I joked. I've been single for a while now, so Baca’s boy "problems" annoy me.7

"You don't understand," Rebecca said. She was right. I didn't understand. I would never know what it was like to have guys fighting to date me. I've had a few dates, but at 17, I've never had a real boyfriend. I know that is truly pathetic. You don't have to tell me.8

When lunch was over, Becca made plans to come over after school. She wanted to discuss her love life some more, I think. 9

I was right. We analyzed every detail of her and Nick's relationship for an hour or two. After a while, Becca suddenly asked me how Hallie was doing. Out of nowhere. 10

" Fine," I lied, startled. " Why?"11

" I don't know... she seems quiet lately."12

Great, so even Becca had noticed something was wrong with Hallie. And I, her sister, hadn't. I was such a good sister.13

" Hallie? Quiet?" I forced a laugh. " You're definitely dreaming, Becca."14

Here was my chance to tell her about last night, if I was going to. But I didn't. Big mistake.15

" I haven't seen her since this morning," I commented. " I wonder where she is. Hold on."16

I wandered into the kitchen. Mom was in there, doing some bills.17

" Hey Mom, where's Hallie?" I asked.18

She looked up. " I don't know. Softball practice, I think."19

"Oh." I hoped she'd get home soon. I wanted to keep an eye on her.20

I went back to Rebecca. She stayed for a while longer, then went home. It was right after she left that Hallie came home.21

" Hey Hal," I said as she walked in. Ignoring me, she pushed past me and headed upstairs, looking at the ground. I looked after her, concerned. What was the matter with her? She looked sad.22

Hallie reached her doorway and went inside, slamming the door. I hesitated, then started up the stairs, after her. I knocked on her door. When she didn't answer, I just went in. Hallie was lying on her bed, her back to me.23

" Hallie, what's the matter?" I asked, concerned. She looked so small, miserable, the way she was lying there, curled in a ball. She had been so happy in the morning. Or at least seemed like it. What had happened to change that?24

" Go away, Jenna," she muttered.25

Ignoring her, I sat on her bed.26

" What happened?" I asked softly.27

"Jenna, go away!" she yelled, sitting up and glaring at me angrily. I saw her face was streaked with tears. I felt cold suddenly. The first thing that popped into my head was she had hurt herself again. 28

I touched her arm. Hallie yanked it away quickly, almost panickedly.29

" Hallie, come on. Tell me what's wrong."30


Hallie glared at me, tears shining in her hazel eyes.1

"If you have to know, Miss Nosy, I just got kicked off the softball team. Okay? Satisfied?" Tears rolled down her cheeks. She swiped at them angrily.2

I gaped at her, shocked. My sister, the all-star athlete, kicked off the team?! Hallie was nominated most athletic for the yearbook last year. And she would have won too, only she got voted best-all-around, and she could only accept one. Hallie always gave it her all, cheerfully obeying the coaches and having a good attitude. What could she have possibly done to get them to kick Susie Softball Star off the team?!3

" Hallie! What did you DO!?" I exclaimed.4

" I didn't DO ANYTHING, Jenna!" Hallie screamed, beating the bed with her fist.5

" Yeah, sure. You don't get kicked off the team for no reason, especially you," I said skeptically. I was still shocked over her announcement.6

" Oh yeah? We were running laps, right, and I was lagging behind. That new coach, Mr. Gilroy, told me I wasn't pushing myself and to run faster. But I was, Jenna, I was just tired! And I told him I was. Not rude or anything either. And he told me I was backtalking and to run four extra laps. But I was so tired, Jenna. I don't know why, but I was!7

I couldn't run anymore! I told him that and said I would in just a few minutes. He yelled at me, and he said I better stop talking smart or I'd have to run more. But I really couldn't run, Jen, I really really couldn't! I felt so sluggish and slow, like I was just too heavy to move. And my head was so lightheaded, I wanted to faint or throw up or something. So I sat down. And he screamed at me, right in my face. He said I was off the team, that I wasn't disciplined and he had no patientce for people who didn't try and were lazy!" Hallie's voice had grown progressively louder and higher pitched as she talked so that I could barely understand her. Tears poured down her cheeks, and she flopped over on the bed so that she wasn't facing me. Her shoulders shook with supressed sobs.8

Mr. Gilroy was new this year. He had never taught before. The coach Hallie had had last year, who had really known her, had retired this year. Mr. Gilroy was really mean and tough on everybody, and he didn't know Hallie very well. He didn't know how hard she tried to please everybody. If she had been at all capable of running, I was sure she would have been pushing herself to the brink of exhaustion. Which it sounded to me like she had been. Why hadn't she been able to run anyway? She was in good shape, she was used to running a lot. It sounded strange to me. 9

I couldn't believe she had gotten kicked off the team. Especially over something so dumb! 10

" Geez, that's not fair, Hallie!" I said supportively. 11

" You're telling me?" she snarled, still not looking at me. Okay, she could be a little nicer. I wasn't the bad guy after all.12

"Hal, get one of your teachers to talk to him. Or tell Mom and Dad. They'll get you back on," I reassured her.13

"They can't do anything," Hallie sobbed.14

"They might," I insisted. " They can try."15

"No they can't,Jenna. They'll be so disappointed in me," Hallie wept. She was coming close to hyperventilating. Scooting over, I put my arms around her. She stiffened, squirmed, trying to shrug me away. I tightened my arms, hurt, but not giving up. 16

" Hallie, relax. Just calm down," I said. After a few minutes, she stopped fighting me and just leaned against me. Gradually her crying slowed until she was better under control.17

" Don't tell Mom and Dad," she begged.18

I didn't like the sound of that. It seems I had already promised this to her less than a day ago.19

"They're going to find out eventually," I said uneasily. Hallie stiffened.20

" Jenna!" she said, her voice pleading. " Jenna, please! I'll tell them later. Don't you dare! They can't find out! They just can't!"21

Her eyes filled with tears, and suddenly she was crying again. She hung her head,hiding her face behind her hair. I felt so awkward. So bad. Everything I did lately seemed to increase my sister's misery. I hadn't seen her cry so much in the last six months. But maybe taht was the probelem. maybe if I had been with her when she cried, she wouldn't have cut herself so many times. I should have been with her. It was partly my fault.22

"Okay, Hallie," I found myself saying for the second time in less than a day. " I won't tell if you don't want me to. Not right now anyway."23

I didn't want to go along with her. But if it made her happy...24

"Thanks," Hallie said, sniffling. "I jsut can't deal with their disappointment right now."25

"They won't get you in trouble or anything," I reassured her. "They'd understand."26

"No they won't," she insisted. " They'd be so mad. So disappointed..."27

I knew Hallie as blowing it out of proportion,but I let it go. She obviously was too upset to think clearly.28

" It'll be fine," I repeated for about the millionth time, running my hand down her back. Her skinny, scrawny little back. Her backbone was sticking way out. it made me cringe to touch it. She was so skinny...29

" Hallie," I said slowly, " why couldn't you run the laps?"30


Hallie stiffened instantly. 1

"I told you, Jenna, I was tired," she said testily.2

" But why? You sleep all the time," I protested. Hallie had never been tired before this past two months or so. And now it seemed she slept all the time. So why was she so tired...3

"You're tired a lot now, Hallie. And you didn't eat breakfast. Did you eat lunch? You didn't, did you?" I asked, my suspicions confirmed by the dark, closed look that crossed her face.4

" Yes, I ate lunch," Hallie snapped, but her voice shook. She never was a good liar. I shook my head, dismayed. She hadn't eaten ALL DAY and she expected to have enough energy to place softball for two and a half hours?!5

" Hallie, no wonder you couldn't run! What do you weigh now, 90 pounds?6

Go get something to eat, right now!" I blurted out.7

Hallie pulled away from me quickly.8

" Jenna, stop it! It's none of your business!" she said shrilly. She stared at me through a face streaked with tears and mascara. " Why do you always have to go nosing around in my life? Just leave me alone! Go away!"9

I stood up, angry myself. How could she yell at me when I was just worried about her? She was hurting herself right before my eyes! I couldn't just stand aside and let her! 10

" Hallie, I'm worried about you! Don't you get it? I want you to be okay. I don't want you to hurt your body."11

" Go away!" Hallie screamed. " Don't talk to me! Leave me alone!"12

"Fine. But if I walk out of here, I'm walking downstairs and telling Mom exactly what you've been doing to yourself," I threatened. I walked to the door and put my hand on the knob. But I hadn't even turned it before Hallie had launched herself across the room at me and grabbed my arm.13


I walked to the door and put my hand on the knob. But I hadn't even turned it before Hallie had launched herself across the room at me and grabbed my arm.1

" Jenna!" she hissed, her teeth bared. But the look on her pale face wasn't angry. There was pure panic in her eyes. The hand on my arm was shaking.2

"Jenna, no!" she said fearfully. " Don't do this to me!"3

I shook her off me, my heart wrenching at the look on her face. All my irritatioin left and was replace with my fear for her,my longing to make her happy. But I kept my hand on the knob. I had to tell Mom. I had kept this secret long enough. Even if it hurt Hallie for me to tell, I had to. It would hurt her more if I kept my mouth shut.4

" No, Hallie," I told her. " I can't. I'm sorry, but I can't. I have to. This is SERIOUS, Hallie. This isn't something I should hide. I have to tell. I don't want you to hurt yourself."5

" No!" Hallie sobbed. Backing away from me, a look of pain and betrayal contorting her face, she began to sob. I reached out to her, but she scrambled away, almost tripping in her haste.6

" NO! Jenna, please! Please! Please don't ! You can stay in here, really! I won't be mean anymore! I'll do anything you say! Please, just don't tell Mom! Just don't... please..." Hallie sank to her knees, hiding her face in her hands.7

I felt such pain watching her, broken before my feet. I wanted so much to make her feel better, to put my arms around her and tell her all right, I wouldn't tell, i'd guard her secret forever. I wanted to say anything that would make her happy again. But I knew I couldn't. Though I felt like such a traitor, I knew in the long run, it would be more evil of me not to tell.8

" No, Hallie," I said softly, my voice shaking. " I can't. I'm sorry."9

" I hate you, Jenna!" Hallie wept. " I hate you for doing this to me!"10

" I'm sorry," I repeated. Looking away from her, I opened the door and stepped outside the room. I walked down our hallway and then down the stairs, feeling like Brutus after he betrayed Julius Caesar. I knew I was doing the right thing. Why did it make me feel so awful then?11

Last time I had seen Mom she had been in the kitchen. I looked there first. Sure enough, there she was, vacuuming. The roar of the vacuum drowned out everything. 12

"mom!" I half yelled. " I need to talk to you!"13

She frowned and scrunched up her face. " What? I can't hear you!"14

" Mom! I need to talk to you!" I screamed.15

She didn't turn off the vacuum. " Can't it wait? I'm busy."16

" No Mom, I need to talk to you now!"17

She got an extremely exasperated look on her face at that.18

" Jenna, it can wait! Nothing is that important! I'm busy!"19

I rolled my eyes, frustrated. Actually, yes it WAS that important, and she could damn well listen to me.20

" Mom, turn the damn thing off!" I yelled.21

At that, her eyebrows shot up, and the look on her face was not a warm motherly one. She turned the vacuum off.22

" Jenna, did you just swear at me?" she demanded.23

I groaned. Her daughter was intent on harming herself and all she could focus on was I had said the d-word?24

" Sorry. Listen-"25

" You better be sorry, Jenna Roswell. I cannot believe your attitude. Who do you think you are, speaking to me like that? I ought to smack you."26

" Mom-" 27

" Jenna, get out of here. I don't want to see you right now."28

" Mom- I have to talk to you! It's about Hallie! " I shouted, frustrated.29

" You can save tattles on your sister until later. Right now I don't want to see you. So go away."30

This was not getting through to her.31

" Mom!"32

" Jenna, I said go away!" she snapped.33

I stomped away angrily. I had been told to go away so many times in the last two days when all I've ever tried to do was show concern for my sister. It's really starting to tick me off. It seems no one cares that I really don't need the extra stress of being yelled at right now. I needed to tell her right now. Didn't she know what it had taken for me to bring myself to tell her? And now I had to wait. Meanwhile, Hallie was up there alone, and that was something i needed to try to keep from ever happening.34

Hallie. I better go check on her. She had been so upset when I'd left her. I better see that she's okay.35

I went back upstairs to her room and knocked on the door.36
I could hear her crying from outside the room.1

" Hallie? It's Jenna. What are you doing?"2

"Leave me alone, Jenna!" she shouted. 3

I tried to open the door but it was locked. Dang. What was she doing in there?4

" Hallie, open up. Please. Please let me in."5

" No!" she shrieked, sobbing convulsively. " No, I hate you! Go away, I hate you!"6

Well, that was nice. It seems everyone hates me. I pounded on the door, ignoring her screams.7

" Open up!"8

Hallie ignored me. I was really starting to freak out now. I hoped she wasn't cutting herself. Who could tell if she was?9

Giving up, I hurried downstairs to the kitchen. I was going to MAKE mom listen to me. She was still in there, now washing dishes.10

" Jenna, I told you to go away for a while," she said tersely as I entered the room.11

" Mom, I have to talk to you. It's Hallie. I'm really worried about her. She needs help."12

There. I had started it, now I had to finish it. There was no turning back now, I would have to tell her everything I knew. Curiously, this gave me no sense of relief at all.13

She turned away from the sink.14

" What are you talking about?"15

" Mom, haven't you noticed how skinny Hallie is? She never eats. She's skin and bones. She-"16

" Hallie's always been skinny, Jenna," Mom interrupted. " Is this all you have to say because I really doubt being in shape is a problem."17

Grrr. Why won't she just shut up and hear waht I'm trying to say??!!!!18

" That's not my main point Mom, though it's one of them. I wasn't FINISHED yet. What i'm trying to say is she's been different lately. She's quiet, depressed. She's lost weight. She's-"19

" Jenna, don't you think you're being a little dramatic?" she interrupted again. " I haven't noticed any of this. She seems perfectly okay to me."20

I clinched my teeth. If she didn't shut up and let me speak, i was going to throttle her. I had the feeling my little confrontation was not going to go the way I wanted it to. Which was with Mom being concerned, running upstairs, and forcing Hallie to open the door and go to a therapist.21

" If Hallie isn't depressed, then why is she upstairs crying hysterically?" I spit out.. " She's been cutting herself, Mom, I caught her yesterday. She has scars all over her body. Haven't you wondered why she wears long sleeves? It's May. That's why mom, that's why."22

Mom stared at me, seemingly frozen in place.23

" I don't believe it," she said finally. " How could that be? Hallie wouldn't do that to herself. She's happy, she's one of the most popular girls in school. She has no reason to hurt herself. Why would you say a thing like that?"24

" Because it's true!" I screamed. " It's true! Hallie is your daughter, and she is depressed and she is hurting herself! You need to open your ears and listen to me so you can help her! I'm only seventeen, I can't do anything for her, but you can!"25

" Jenna Roswell, that is quite enough. Don't you scream at me, a;nd don't say terrible things like that either. If you have nothing true to say then get out of the kitchen," my mother ordered.26

I couldn't believe it. This was our MOTHER talking. She was supposed to protect Hallie, to help her. And she refused to even believe me, let alone do anything about it! I couldn't believe she was so stubborn that she'd rather bury her head in the sand than help Hallie.27

" If you don't believe me, I'll show you," I said. Grabbing her arm and a butter knife to open the door, I propelled her upstairs. She allowed me to drag her, still fussing.28

" If I go upstairs and find this is some sick joke, you're grounded for three weeks," she said fiercely. I didn't reply. She'd see soon enough. 29

Finally we reached Hallie's room. Standing at her door, I realized I didn't hear her crying any more. That scared me. Why wasn't she? Either she had calmed down or she was cutting herself. I didn't think she had calmed down so quickly.30

Damn. " Open up, I've told Mom . She's right here beside me, Hallie," I called.31

I heard nothing from behind the door. I tried to open it, knowing as I did that it was still locked. 32

" Jenna, this is ridiculous," my mother seethed. " Leave her alone. You're taking this too far."33

Ignoring her, I pounded on the door, then listened. I still didn't hear a sound. Hallie didn't scream at me. It was scaring me.34

" Hallie!"35

Nothing. I slid the knife in my hand to the crack between the wall and door and jimmied the lock. My mom stood behind me fussing the whole time, but I didn't hear her. I could only hear the pounding in my ears, the result of the panicky adrenaline rush pumping through my body.36

Finally the door opened, and as I stepped inside, I heard my mother's shriek. I too was horrified at what I saw.37




My sister was slumped weakly against her bed, her head thrown back, her eyes closed. Her shirt was lying in a heap on the floor; she was wearing only a bra and jeans. Her ribs stuck out even in her slumped position. But what froze us to our spots was not Hallie's terrible thinness. It was the huge, fresh slash marks covering her arms, her stomach and chest, and even her neck, all gushing steadily thick, bright red blood. Her body seemed stained with it. Still clutched loosely in one hand was not a razor, but a KNIFE. Hallie had been slashing herself with a KNIFE.1

Some of her cuts looked serious, deep. And there were so many of them. How much blood could she lose before it was too much? The smell of her blood, salty and sharp, filled my nostrils, making me want to vomit.2

Snapping out of my daze, I rushed to Hallie's side, gently taking her bloody wrist in my hand. I couldn't feel a pulse through all the blood. But I saw her chest rise and fall shallowly, so I knew she was alive.3

Behind me, my mother continued to scream.4

" Oh no! Oh god! Hallie what the-"5

This was not what Hallie needed to hear. My eyes scanning the room for something to press against her wounds, I finally grabbed the sheet off her bed. I pressed it against her deepest wounds, hard. At my pressure, Hallie's eyes twitched, and she moaned. 6

" Shh, Hallie, it's okay," I said, my voice trembling. "Don't talk. Don't move. Just sit here. I'm here now."7

" Jenna," she rasped,not opening her eyes. " Jenna, it hurts... it hurts..."8

There was a surprised note in her voice, as if she had thought she could do this to herself without pain. Pressing the sheet to her, I began to cry. I didn't take my hands off her to wipe my face.9

" You'll be all right, Hal. I swear you will."10

My mom was still standing in the doorway, a look between shock and disgust on her face. The whole time she had made no move to help her.11

" What are you standing there for!?" I screamed. " Call 911! Hurry!"12

She didn't move. Instead, she began to scream again, words this time.13

" Hallie, what is wrong with you?! You have no reason to do this, none! I can't believe this! How could you do this to me! Jenna, why didn't you tell me she was doing this!? She cut herself!" she shrieked.14

The whole time she was screaming instead of helping Hallie, Hallie was bleeding in my arms, maybe fatally! I couldn't believe she was just standing there!15

" Mom! Get it together!" I screamed, tears streaming down my face. " Hallie is dying. Call 911, now!"16

" What's going on in here?" came a voice from the doorway. Startled, I turned my head. My father, home from work, had just joined our happy party. When his eyes fell on Hallie, they bulged, and his mouth fell open. It may have looked comical, but it was very unfunny at the time. 17

" Hallie!" he croaked. '' What the hell happened to Hallie?"18

" What does it look like?" my mother screamed. " She's been cutting herself, look! Did you know about htis, Mark?"19

" What? Of course not, Nadine! YOU should be the one who knows about things like this! YOU spend all day with her, why didn't you know what she's up to?!"20

" Well maybe she wouldn't do things like this if you spent more time with her!''21

" Well I-"22

" Stop it!" I screamed. " Stop it, both of you! Do you think you're helping, fighting? Do you think it makes her feel better? YOU should be sitting here with her! She's your daughter. Help her! Call 911, NOW!"23

Both of them stared at me like I had grown two heads. Neither made a move toward either Hallie or the phone.24

" Don't you speak to us like that!" my father said.25

" Fine!" I yelled. " I'll do it! I'll do it all! I guess I'm the only one who cares about Hallie, that wants her to live! I'm the seventeen year old sister, but I guess I'll continue to be her parent for the moment for her!"26

Setting her down gently, I ran over to the phone on her desk. I could hear my parents screaming at each other as I dialled. Hallie groaned from where I had left her, lying alone and bleeding. she looked so small, so unloved. But I loved her, I loved her so much I felt like I was the one who was bleeding. And I was going to help her if I could.27

" 911, what is your emergency?" the soothing voice on the other end asked. At the sound of the voice, my barely held together sense of cool disintegrated. I began to cry again.28

" It's my sister," I sobbed. " She tried to kill herself. She's cut herself all over. She's hurt bad."29

" Where did she cut herself?" the voice asked in the same nice tone.30

" Her arms, her stomach, chest- everywhere."31

" All right, honey, we'll send an ambulance soon. What's your address?"32

I gave them my address, then my name.33

" What's your sister's name?" the lady asked.34

" Hallie, Hallie Roswell. She's only 16. Please, hurry!" I begged.35

I hung up the phone, hurrying back to Hallie. Now Mom and Dad were squatted near her, but neither were touching her. They were talking in awkward, stiff sentences, the revulsion plain on their faces. I could not BELIEVE they were reacting this way. Why weren't they hugging her, touchng her, telling her she'd be okay? No wonder she had hidden this from them. Maybe she had known how they'd react.36

Pushing,past them, I knelt beside her, wrapping one arm around her and keeping the other hand wrapped in the sheet, pressing her wounds. Her head drooped weakly. She seemed to be sapped of strength, perhaps from blood loss.37

" Hang on," I whispered. " You'll be ok."38

For the first time she opened her eyes and looked at me. They were feverish and glazed. They scared me.39

" What if I don't want to?" she whispered hoarsely. " What if I don't want to be okay?" 40


Her words were not flippant or sarcastic. I could tell both from her tone and the pain in her eyes that she really meant it. My sister, my little sister Hallie, wanted to die. She wanted to kill herself.1

I felt as though I had been struck. Of course I had known about Hallie's terrible depression, her self loathing. But until now it had never crossed my mind that Hallie actually wanted to die. How COULD she?! What had happened to her that was so bad it made her no longer want to live? What had happened to my once happy sister to make her in such despair?2

Then a chilling thought crossed my mind. What if Hallie had never been happy at all? What if all her good nature and cheer had been an act, and she had really been depressed all along? What if until now she had hidden it, and I had never really known Hallie at all?3

How could I live without Hallie? On the other hand, how could I live with her being like this?4

I said nothing, just hugged her fiercely and caressed her hair.5

" Don't say that," I choked. " You will be okay. You have to be. I won't let you not be."6

Hallie's lips twitched. I couldn't tell if she was trying to smile or if it was involuntary.7

" Can't control everything, Jenna," she said. " I learned that long ago."8

" Well I'm damn well going to try! Don't you dare give up on me, Hallie!" I said fiercely, tears running down my cheeks. About ten feet away, Mom stood by Dad,saying nothing, seeming numb. Once in a while she'd shake her head, and a tear would trickle down her cheek. A good distance away from her, Dad too was shaking his head and muttering. I knew they were probably in shock, but hey, so was I, and so was HALLIE, for that matter. She NEEDED them to reassure her. Their cold reactions was exactly waht she'd feared, and she'd been right. I'd thought she was being dramatic, but she was right. They were hurting her. It was really, REALLY ticking me off.9

" Jenna..." Hallie said. " Why do you care so much?"10

I stared at her, dismayed. Why would she even ask such a thing? How could I NOT care about her? She was my sister! And even if she wasn't, I stilll wouldn't want her to hurt herself. I wished I could read her mind, and follow her train of thought. It was so wrong. I wanted to be able to address her fears,her insecurites. But how could I if she didn't confide in me? How could I if she didn't trust me?11

Another unwelcome thought crept into my mind. How could I if she killed herself before she said anything?12

Stop it! I said to myself. She isn't going to die. She isn't!13

Finally I answered her question. I could see she needed me to answer, obviously. 14

" I care because you're my little sister," I said. " I care because you're hurting yourself more each day. I care because you're and awesome person and you don't see it. I care because I love you, Hallie!"15

Hallie's head drooped,and slow tears trickled down her cheeks. She began to shake. I tightened my arms around her. I was leery of touching her too tightly, though; I didn't want to hurt her. And to be honest,though I hate to admit it, I didn't like touching her cuts either.16

" you shouldn't," she whispered. '' I don't deserve it."17

" what? What do you mean?" I asked gently. " Why not?"18

But Hallie just shook her head. For the remainder of time until the ambulance came, she refused to speak. She just lay there, trembling, her eyes closed. I tried to talk to her, but she was silent. I couldn't tell if she was being stubborn or if she was just exhausted. It might have been both.19

The ambulance finally came, probably less than three minutes later,but it seemed to take them years. I didn't hear them come in until they were already at the door. I hadn't heard a siren. I supposed that was a good sign. Didn't they only use sirens for life or death situations?20

My dad, eager to leave the room, jumped up to get the door, showing them to Hallie's room. Mom stayed frozen in teh corner, her hands wringing in front of her. Her lips pinched thin and pale.21

" She's right here," said Dad as the two paramedics entered, toating a stretcher. " I don't understand it. I don't know why she'd do such a thing. She wasn't that unhappy. I'd know if she was."22

" It's fairly common among teens, sir," the female paramedic said. Her face softened when she saw me and Hallie huddled against Hallie's bed, my arms protectively around Hallie, both of our faces red and swollen with tears. I saw her eyes scan Hallie's body, taking in her wounds. Her partner did likewise.I was grateful they didn't seem shocked or revolted. 23

" OKay honey,you'll be okay," the woman said softly to Hallie. " We're going to help you. Everything's all right now."24

Hallie didn't speak, or even open her eyes. The woman smiled at me sympathetically.25

" She'll be fine, sweetie," she said. " Can you let go of her, please, so we can help her?"26

Reluctantly I stood up, backing off. Suddenly Hallie's eyes flew open, and she came to life with a gasp.27

" No! No, Jenna, don't leave me!" she cried. " Don't let them take me away!" She reached toward me weakly, beginning to cry.28

I automatically stepped toward her, but the man put a hand on my shoulder.29

" It would help if you stayed back," he said quietly. " We need to be able to have free access to her. Let us take care of her. You did a great job."30

I obeyed, but not without resentment. Who was he to tell me not to comfort my sister when she needed me?! She was frightened, and he wanted me to stand there and watch? My parents had been doing enough of that, thank you. I knew my thoughts were irrational, but i couldn't help having them.31

And he was wrong. I hadn't done a good job taking care of Hallie. If I had, this wouldn't have happened.32


The paramedics laid out the stretcher, and the woman helped Hallie to her feet, easing her back onto it. I, along with my parents, watched helplessly as they took her pulse and carried her out of the house. Hallie lay there, trembling and ghostly pale, but her crying had slowed to only an occasional sob. Then, as I followed solemnly, they lifted her onto the back of the ambulance, still strapped to the stretcher. I asked if I could ride with her, but they said that wasn't a good idea. I guess they didn't want me to go into hysterics or something.1

As soon as they drove away, I went inside and got the keys to my car. 2

" Where are you going?" my mom asked dully as I headed to the door.3

" To the hospital. Where do you think?"4

" I'm coming too," my dad said, getting to his feet. Great. Wonderful. Just what I needed, being stuck in the waiting room with dear old dad. 5

" Me too," said Mom,her voice still shrill and grating. She remained frozen in place, however.6

" Well, drive your own car," I said shortly. " You're not riding with me."7

I went out the door and got in my car. I could just imagine the looks on their faces at that remark. After what they had seen, what they now knew about Hallie, how could they still continue to focus on little things like me being rude to them? But somehow they could. In fact, that was ALL they were focusing on.8

Dark thoughts raced through my mind as I drove. I barely could concentrate on the road. I turned on the radio, trying to drown out my worries, but it just made me feel like screaming. How could ANYONE be singing about true love when MY world not only had no true love but completely and totally sucked?9

When I arrived at the hospital, parking in the visitors lot, I saw that my parents had not arrived yet. Good. I hoped they took their time. I didn't want to sit int a public place with them and hear their selfish bickering.10

I went to the lady at the front desk. She was an older woman with grayish hair.11

" Yes? How may I help you?" she asked kindly.12

" I'm here to see about my sister. Her name is Hallie Roswell. Has she been checked in yet?"13

She typed in her name into a computer. After a moment she said, " Yes, Hallie Roswell is in room 316 on the third floor."14

" Okay," I said. " Can you show me which way that is?"15

" Well,honey, first off we usually only allow immediate family members to vist-"16

" I'm immediate family," I interrupted. " I'm her sister, Jenna."17

" Well, I'm sorry, dear, but right now she isn't allowed to have any visitors. Your sister is getting stitched up and treated for shock. She won't be up to having visitors."18

That only made me want to see her more. They were stitching her up; I wanted to be there to support her. I also wanted to convince myself that she was going to be okay. But I knew what hospitals were like; they mostly just wanted family out of the way.19

" How long will it be before they're finished?" I asked. " When CAN I visit her?"20

The lady looked at me sympathetically. She shook her head.21

" Well, your sister is in the psych ward right now. We don't allow them to have visitors for the first three days. It's usually best for their state of mind. Many need to get away from family influence, become strong enough to face them after their suicide attempt. Your sister probably doesn't want to see you right now, and the hospital policy is designed to protect her wishes."22

I stared at that woman, unbelieving. She had some kind of nerve! Who was she to say I couldn't see Hallie for three days! Anything could happen to her by then! She needed me right now, probably more than ever, and this woman was saying I couldn't be with her! What's more,she was insinuating Hallie didn't WANT to see me! She had no right to say that! She didn't know either of us!23

I was seething but fought for control.24

" I can assure you my sister will want to see me," I said tightly. " When will I be able to today?"25

" You can't today. Sorry. Maybe you can see her Thursday.Call us then and check."26

I was so furious now, not only with the lady,but with Mom, Dad, myself, and the world in general, that I knew if I said one word to her or stayed any longer I'd explode, right there in the hospital waiting room. IT wouldn't be a wise move. I really doubted they'd let me see Hallie then. Knowing this, I spun around quickly and almost ran to the exit, wanting to get to my own car as soon as I could. I wanted to roll up the windows, turn on the radio, and scream as loud as I could. Or cry; whichever came out when I opened my mouth. But I didn't make it. I had just reached the door when up walked my parents to enter. They looked at me questioningly.27

" Arent you staying Jenna?" asked my dad.28

" No," I spat. " No, we're not allowed to see Hallie today. Or tomorrow. They won't consider it until Thursday. It's some stupid hospital policy that makes stupid assumptions about families they don't even know!"29

The uptight looks that had been on their faces relaxed. I knew they were glad to hear they would not be obligated to visit their suicidal daughter. My anger threatened to boil over, spilling out of my mouth and burning all those around me.30

My mother actually sighed in relief. I wanted to dig my fingers into her arm until she screamed. 31

" Good," she said. " I think it's a wise policy. By then Hallie will have calmed down and gotten over all this- this dramatics, and we all can be calmer and in control."32

Obviously there was no end to the stupidity and selfishness of my parents. 33

" Mom, it is going to take longer than three days for her to get over her DRAMATICS. It might take her years and cost you thousands of dollars in therapy. But I'm sure you're willing to do whatever it takes to see she's happy, right?" I said sarcastically. 34

My mother's face paled. It gave me a vicious satisfaction to see I had wounded her. Without waiting for the reprimand I knew was coming, I spun around and ran to my car. Getting inside, I did exactly what I had daydreamed- turning on the radio and screaming. The only thing I accomplished was making my throat sore. The rest of the drive home, I did my second option of the daydream- I cried.35


When I got home, I headed straight to my room and locked my door. I knew my parents would be home soon and would probably try to barge in on me. Either that or they'd be so caught up in arguing they wouldn't try to start something with me. I hoped that was the case. I hoped they'd just spread misery among themselves and leave me alone with mine. As long as they were quiet and didn't bother me, let them rip each other to shreds. They deserved it.1

My brooding silence didn't last long. It ended when I heard our front door slam, and the shouting began.2

" How can you accuse me of not caring about her?" shrieked my mother. " I just tried to see her in the hospital, didn't I? It's not my fault they wouldn't let us!"3

" Well you sure seemed happy about it, Nadine! She's your daughter, why are you being so apathetic!" yelled my father.4

" I am NOT apathetic! I care about Hallie very much, I love her! I sacrificed my career to raise her and Jenna! Don't you dare say I don't love her!" my mother hollered.5

" Then why the hell didn't you know what she was doing?Why was she so unhappy? How could you not know what was going on with your own child?"6

" How could I know, Mark? She hid it! She seemed happy, she seemed happier than Jenna! It was JENNA I was worried about- she's such a loner, and she doesn't even date much. How was I supposed to know it was Hallie who had the problem?"7

" Well you should have!" shouted my father.8

I had had quite enough. They were selfish pigs, both of them. And it was ME my mother worried about? Nice. Real nice. Gritting my teeth, I turned on my radio, loud. It didn't drown out their voices, and they didn't get the hint and shut up either.9

" Why are you blaming me? It's just as much your fault, if not more! You barely even know Hallie. You're always away on " business trips" and " meetings" ," my mother said mockingly. " Why, your little girlfriends aren't much older than your daughter, and you spend twice as much time with them!"10

" Shut the hell up, Nadine!" my father yelled. " You're one to talk. Why didn't you try harder to get to speak to Hallie? If you'd pushed them they would have had to let us. You're just too damn selfish. You don't want to see what you drove your own daughter to do."11

" Shut up!" she screeched, beginning to cry. Great, more noise to ad to my growing headache. " I can't stand to see her like that! What is wrong with her that she'd do that? Is she crazy?"12

" I wouldn't blame her, having a mother like you," my father said cruelly.13

My parents continued to scream insults back and forth. Curling up in my bed, I put the pillow over my face, holding my ears. My blood pounded in my veins, making me feel violent. If anyone had come up then and spoken to me, I would have probably lunged at their throat and choked them.14

After a few minutes the phone rang. Once, twice, three times. I was not about to answer it; there was no telling what foul words would spew out of my mouth. Let my parents get it.15

After seven rings, one of my parents must have picked it up, because the shouting stopped and so did the ringing. Then I heard my father call me.16

" Jenna? Phone! It's Rebecca!"17

Great, just what I needed. Miss Perfect Rebecca with her perfect life and little boy " problems." I did NOT want to talk to her. I didn't want to tell her about Hallie, and i had nothing else to say. I certainly didn't want to listen to what she called problems.18

" Jenna!" Dad shouted. " Phone!"19

I still didn't reply. Maybe he'd get the hint and go away. But my dad is not waht you'd call the intuitive type. He marched upstairs and flung open my door.20

" There is a call for you," he said through clenched teeth. " Now ANSWER it."21

" I'm not here," I muttered angrily.22

" Jenna. Take the phone. I don't want anymore hassle, I am fed up!"23

Really? Well join the club. And guess what, Dad? If you don't want any hassle you should go ahead and die, because life is one big hassle.24

I snatched the receiver from his hand, growling.25

" Hellooo!" I said in a not very nice tone. I could just see Rebecca cringing at my tone.26

" Jenna?" she said, sounding confused. " It's Becca."27

" I know, Becca. I was sleeping. Or rather, trying to sleep. Certain people who shall remain nameless were kind of interfering with my efforts," I said dryly. Dad left the room, not wanting to hear what a bastard he is, I guess.28

" Sleeping? Jenna, it's 6:00. Man, is it really that boring over there?" Rebecca laughed. I wanted to scream out exactly how much excitement I had been exposed to in the last hour. But it wasn't any of her business. It was Hallie's, and I wasn't going to tell Rebecca anything she wouldn't want her to know. I knew what a gossip she was. If I lost my cool and told Becca how she had no idea what she was talking about, the whole school would know about Hallie by tomorrow. I didn't want Hallie to have the school whispering about her, avoiding her and acting strangely, like her own parents. If I told Becca, she wouldn't understand. She'd be just like my parents- helpless and speechless, inflicting more pain than comfort.29

" Not quite," I said dryly. She skipped ahead to her objective for calling- discussing herself.30

" Jenna, you'll never believe waht happened to me!" she said dramatically.31

" I bet I will," I said in a completely lifeless tone.32

" No, seriously. Matt asked me out! What should I do!? I'm still going out with Nick, but I don't want to discourage Matt in case we break up!"33

" I don't know, Becca," I said. " I'm not the one you should ask. Ask Heather."34

" But I'm asking you, Jen. What do you think, really? Tell me the truth," she pleaded.35

" The truth? The truth is I am really not up to discussing this right now. The truth is you really couldn't have called at a worse time. The truth is that I just want to go to sleep. Seriously, call Heather," I told her.36

I could just picture Becca's face at that. Her mouth would fall open. What had happened to her sweet friend Jenna?37

" What is the matter with you? Are you mad at me?" she sputtered.38

" No, I'm not," I lied. Right now I was mad at everyone. " I'm just tired. I'll talk to you tomorrow." Boy was I looking forward to THAT discussion.39

" Ok," said Rebecca, sounding injured. " I WILL call Heather than. Bye."40

" Bye." I hung up, sighing in relief. I knew I should feel bad for taking my mood out on her, but I didn't. I was just glad that everything was quiet now. My mom was probably in her room crying, and my dad was probably out drinking. I really didn't care, as long as they left me alone.41

I got back under my blankets, but it was a long time before I could sleep.42

I dreamed about Hallie. She was in the bathtub, and I walked in on her again. As I stepped closer I saw the cuts all over her body, mutilating her flesh. She was bathing not in water, but in blood; the tub was full of Hallie's blood. Her eyes were closed, and she gripped the sides of the tub so hard her knuckles were white. Tears fell down her cheeks, but they were tears of blood; Hallie's eyes were bleeding.1

As I stood, horrified, I tried to move to her, but I was paralyzed. Before my eyes, Hallie began to change. She grew thinner and thinner, her skin stretching tightly across her bones, so that I could see their outlines clearly. As her skin stretched, so did her scars, opening larger and uglier the thinner she grew. Her skin became transparent. Then suddenly it was gone, all of her skin just vanished. All that was left of Hallie was her skeleton sitting rigidly in a tub full of blood.2

In my dream, I began to scream. I woke up screaming, sitting up in bed. When I realized where I was, I stopped, shaking. The image would not leave my mind. I felt something wet on my cheeks, and touching it, realized I was crying. 3

I looked at the clock, hoping it was morning and I could get up. I knew if I slept, I would dream of Hallie again. But it was only 1:30.4

Getting out of bed, I dug out my CD player, and got back in bed listening to it. I don't remember falling asleep, but I must have, for the next time I looked at the clock it was 6:30. I hadn't dreamed of Hallie; that was something to be glad about, I guess.5

I could hear Dad downstairs, getting ready for work. It was Thursday, I was supposed to go to school, but I really did NOT want to. Especially since I knew Rebecca was waiting for an apology.6

I decided to skip. No one would ever know. I'm usually such a boring nontroublemaker that no one would suspect I'm playing hookie.7

I'd just go downstairs and act like I'm getting ready for school. But instead I'd drive to the hospital and make them let me see Hallie. Yesterday I hadn't been up to it, but today I was. Now I was in control of myself, and I wanted to see her badly. Was she in pain? How many stitches did she get? Was she still upset? I wasn't going to let them give me no for an answer. I wanted to see her, and they were going to have to let me.8

Dressing, I went downstairs and brushed my teeth, pulling my hair into a ponytail. It felt weird to have the bathroom to myself, without Hallie fighting me for it. I never thought I'd actually miss Hallie locking me out of the bathroom, but I did.9

Dad was heading out the door when I entered the kitchen. Good, maybe I wouldn't have to talk to him.10

I sat at the table, pouring myself some cereal. Dad didn't speak to me. He looked tired, with shadows under his eyes. He had probably slept on the couch after he and Mom fought. The only thing he said before leaving was " Bye Jenna."11

After he left, I finished eating my cereal and got into my car. Good thing Mom wasn't up yet, I didn't want to look at her. I was still angry with my parents, though not boiling anymore.12

The whole drive to the hospital I felt ridiculously self concious. Like anyone passing me would know I wasn't going to school. Like anyone would CARE. There are lots of kids doing worse things no one cares about. I was disgusted with my goody-two-shoesness.13

When I reached the hospital, I parked in the visitors lot and walked inside to the waiting room. Hardly anyone was there so early.14

There was a different woman at the desk this time, a younger one. She looked up and smiled as I approached.15

" Yes? How can I help you?"16

" I want to visit my sister, Hallie Roswell, in room 316," I said. " Which way is that?"17

" Hold on, let me sign you in," she said. She typed something into the computer.18

" Hallie Roswell can't have visitors yet," she replied. I had been prepared for this, but it still annoyed me.19

" Are the doctors finsihed stitching her up?" i asked.20

" Yes," the woman said after a moment.21

" Then why aren't I allowed to see her? I'm not getting in their way. I'm sure she'll want to see me," I said reasonably. 22

The woman frowned.23

" I'ts a hospital rule. Patients in the psych ward are not allowed visitors for their first three days. Most of them don't want them, and we're protecting their wishes."24

" How do you know Hallie's wishes? Did you ask her? Did you say, Hallie, do you want any visitors? Ask her! She'll want to see me."25

The woman looked at me doubtfully. I wanted to scream in impatience. Were rules all that mattered here?26

" I'm not supposed to," she said heistantly.27

" Please. No one will know the difference, except Hallie and me, and we'll be thankful. Pretend she's been here three days. Why would another two make a difference? " I asked.28

" I'll call her on the intercom and ask her if she wants to see you," the woman said finally. " But if she says no, that's final."29

" She won't say no," I promised. I hoped she wouldn't anyway. Suddenly I doubted my own words. Hadn't Hallie been resisting my efforts all along? Hadn't she turned away when I'd reach out to her? How many times had she screamed at me when I'd tried to help her? I prayed she'd let me in to see her. I didn't know what i'd do if she told me to leave.30

" Hallie Roswell?" the woman called over the intercom. " You have a visitor. Jenna Roswell. Do you wish to see her?"31

There was a long pause. I held my breath. I was beginning to think I'd have to go home when Hallie replied in a tired, frail voice.32

" Yes."33

Switching the intercom off, the woman turned back to me.34

" Well... I guess you can then. Elevators are to your left."35

" Thank you."36

I found the elevator and rode to the third floor. Getting out, I was overwhelmed by the scent of cleaner. Yuck.37

I came to room 316, Hallie's room. Opening the door, I stepped inside, suddenly uncertain. What would I find inside?38


Hallie was lying in bed, propped up, a breakfast tray on the table beside her. It looked like she hadn't eaten a thing. Her eyes were red-rimmed and shadowed, as though she had not slept. She was wearing a hospital gown that showed too many of the slashes on her arms for my comfort. Several had stitches. I noticed with relief, however, that she was not attached to an IV. I have a phobia about those things.1

She looked up as I entered.2

" Hey," she said quietly. " Why aren't you in school?"3

Leave it to Hallie to zero in on that.4

" Because I'm here to see you," I said. Going over to her, I hugged her tightly. She was limp and placid in my arms, and she didn't hug back.5

" How are you, Hallie? Are you okay?" I asked, a lump in my throat.6

Hallie shrugged. " I guess so."7

" Do your stitches hurt?" I asked, releasing her.8

Hallie shook her head. 9

" But they hurt when they were stitching me."10

" They didn't want to let me in," I said, sitting on her bed, " I tried to come yesterday, but they wouldn't let me. I had to raise a fit to even have them page you."11

Hallie smiled slightly.12

" Yeah, they're very protective."13

Silence for a while. Then Hallie said, " I'm supposed to see a psychiatrist today. They're making me."14

" Do you want to?" I asked quietly.15

Hallie shrugged. " It doesn't matter. Everyone's going to know now anyway." Her voice shook. " I knew Mom and Dad would react like that."16

I put my arm around her.17

" I didn't. They're just jerks. Don't let them bother you. They were in shock and didn't know how to deal with it." 18

" I know," Hallie said softly. " I can't really blame them, you know. It is pretty disgusting."19

" Well I can blame them," I said heatedly. " You should have heard them fighting when we came home. It was revolting."20

" I revolted them," Hallie whispered. Tears stood in her eyes.21

" Hallie, don't. Don't do this to yourself," I whispered. I tightened my arms around her. Hallie remained rigid, refusing to let me give her comfort.22

" I DID," she insisted. " They didn't want to touch me. And if my own parents act like that, the kids at school will be worse. They'll talk about me and say how gross I am, how I'm such a faker, acting like I was happy. I AM a faker, Jenna, I know I am. But I had to be. I couldn't let anyone know, couldn't bear to see how they'd treat me afterward. I wanted to blend in, I wanted to seem happy. I didn't want to see them freak out and avoid me. Jenna, what if Mom and Dad never treat me normally again? What if they always look at me and see a freak?" Hallie whispered hoarsely. She looked close to tears. My heart wrenched.23

" They won't, Hallie. They'll get over themselves."24

Hallie refused to look at me. I felt strangely guilty. It was because of me they were being such jerks.25

" You're not mad at me for telling them, are you? I had to. I couldn't stand to see you doing that to yourself. I never dreamed they'd react like that," I told her.26

Hallie shook her head, blinking back tears.27

" No, I'm not. I was, but not now. How could I be? You've been nice to me, God knows why. You've tried to do what you thought was best for me. I don't understand why you'd keep being so sweet when I've been so awful to you." She began to cry as she spoke. " I've been horrible to you, because I was scared, Jenna. I'm still scared. I don't want you to be around me. I've messed up so many people's lives. Mine, yours, our parents'. I'm an awful person and I don't want my misery to become yours."28

I hugged her as she spoke. I was near tears myself. She had such a low opinion of herself. It was pitiful.29

" I don't want you to pretend your okay if you're not. I want you to trust me with your feelings. I want to know if you're in pain, Hallie. I want to help you with it," I said gently.30

Hallie shook her head. " I don't understand, Jenna. How can you even stand to touch me? Aren't you disgusted? Don't you think I'm weak, selfish? I AM selfish. I ruined your life, and our parents' too. It would have been better if I'd died." Her sobbing intensifed, and she couldn't speak. I couldn't get over waht she was saying to me. How could she think this shit? 31

" Don't you ever say that," I said fiercely. " Don't you dare, Hallie. You could never ruin my life by living. The ONLY way you could ruin my life is by killing yourself. If you ever killed yourself, I'd never get over it, Hallie. Do you hear me? NEVER. I love you to much to let you do that."32

" Why?" Hallie sobbed. The pain on her face was incredible. It contorted her usually pretty features into a mask of grief.33

" Why? Why do you love me? I don't understand. I never did anything to deserve it. You should hate me for all the pain I've caused you. Don't love me, Jenna. Don't ! I don't deserve it. All I'll ever bring you is grief!"34

Her words were lost in her sobbing. She slumped against me weakly, giving in to her pain.35

" You don't get a choice, Hal," I said tenderly, stroking her hair. " How can I not love you? You're my sister. Even if you weren't I'd still love you. You're Hallie Roswell. You're a great person, and I'm not going to stop loving you because you're not perfect. Remember that line in Heathers? " If you were happy every day, you'd be a game show host, not a person." It's true. You're a person, Hallie. You need to realize that."36

Hallie wrapped her arms around me and hugged me back for the first time since I'd arrived. She buried her face in my shoulder. Surprised, touched, I put my hand on her head.37

" Don't die, Hallie," I whispered. " I love you too much." I began to cry too, wiping my tears away quickly, but they kept coming. Eventually I gave up and just let them fall.38

" I love you too, " Hallie choked out.39

" Isn't that enough, then? Isn't it enough that I love you? If you love me, and you know I love you, why would you want to hurt me so much by dying? Why would you want to leave someone who loves you? I'm not mad at you, Hallie, or fussing at you. I just want to know. Why would you want to kill yourself and leave me when I love you?" I asked.40

" I'm sorry," Hallie sobbed. " I'm sorry. I'll try to remember that. But it's hard. You can't even imagine."41

" I know, Hallie. But that's why I'm here. So you can tell me about it and I can help you. And I CAN help you, even if all I do is listen and care."42

For the next half hour, I stayed with her, hugging her, talking to her. And crying. I did a lot of crying. I didn't ask her why she had wanted to die, or why she had started cutting herself. She'd tell me on her own. Besides, it didn't really matter. The only thing that mattered was it had happened, and it had continued, and no one had done anything about it until it was almost too late. I had failed Hallie, but I was not going to fail her now. I was going to be there for her.43

After a while, Hallie fell asleep, exhausted. Stepping away from her, I backed quietly out of the room and down the hallway. I would come back tomorrow, or maybe I could call her tonight. I knew one thing, I was going to have a long talk with my parents. They were going to act like they should from now on, like both Hallie and I needed them to. I would make them. I didn't care how I had to do it, somehow I would.44

As I reached my car and climbed inside, I felt a calming sense of peace for the first time in days. My sister isn't going to kill herself, somehow I know this. She knows I love her, even if she can't love herself.45

This time, I'm going to help her. I'm not going to ignore her silent screams for help she's been sending me for so long. This time I'm going to face her problems as well as my own instead of burying my head in the sand. Together we'll beat this. Together we'll be victorious. Just me and Hallie, together we'll fight and together we'll win. 46

I hope.47