Hope run dry, action matters-Demon Princess chapter 1

Susan Tiska, known as Claire the Demon Princess, was a frail looking girl of twelve. She had dull, blue eyes that hid a piercing gleam, flaming red hair and her dad's hated power. It looked like hands reaching at you from a fog and felt chilling, it was  ugly. Even if it could heal and charm spirits, the credit went to some outer-being and the blame to her. Everyone calls her ugly at the palace, her mom refuses to accept her again, her step-dad ignores her to be left out of this. Everyone was skin deep around her.1

She was at the lake and after crying for a while, she stared into the sky. She sang softly to the moon at the lake. 2

" -As I've walked along these roads and left alone,
no one picks me up
When I die drifting away to the unknown,
no one cries
Will I be saved? Who will come? Should I hope at all..." 3

Her life was as simple as this paragraph. At three, her mother took care of her and said kind words. At five, father died and she became a burden. At six, she was forced to work until people saw her heal. At seven, she was chased by a mob and left to drown when a mermaid threw her out of her pond she explained that my father wouldv'e haunted me. That's not true, she said. At nine, mom married a prince with three older daughters gone married and was forced to bring her. At ten, Claire's marriage plan fails and now she's a burden, demon, and waste-no one comes near her because of rumors alone. She liked it like that. No one to see her cry. At twelve, a war is declared and the people blame the royals, who blame her. She wants to run, run and never come back. And after a conversation of fate, she did.4

Her step-dad paced around. She leaned toward the screen door. "We can't keep it anymore. The hands were chilling and the angels saved me along with my wound." "Honey, She's my blood. God would hurt me if I leave her and the will..." "So? Your rich. You have me. God would forgive you to be rid of the monster. We can poison her if you want. Wait 'till bed-time darling." "...I love you. I will take care of it." She heard a kiss."Be well!" Footsteps followed. 5

Swallowing her gasp, Claire ran off through the empty paths and past sparkling fountains. She was out of the palace grounds and into the dark alleys of the city now. She didn't stop until she fainted to the ground in front of a horse. Her last thought was, Why mom? Why did fate make her give me the truth like this, anyone but mom... 6

The horse neighed and the rider came off, "It's a girl, no it's a princess. Young, red hair, from the palace...It's the Demon Princess! But she's so young and fragile!" The 34-year old woman of smooth, black hair let loose down her back picked up the pale girl and dusted her off. She already has worry lines near her eyes. Body is well and her hands are suited for crafts and writing. The lady wore face paint and skirts with breeches and hoop earrings. She was a dancer who lost her child at 23. The lady closed her eyes and hugged the lonely girl. "I will take care of you."7

The horse sniffed the young, battered girl and cried. She nudged the girl and tossed her head to her back. 8

The woman was grave, "You feel it too, huh Piki?" She put Susan on the saddle and came on after. 9

With that they rode for hours to the next country where the girl woke up and cried on the woman then reluctantly smiled. She was unsure of the woman and her reason, but this was a chance! She began her speech of work so the lady might hire her now that she's alive, "I hope I can be useful and I will work hard! Please don't leave me Miss!" She was blushing.10

The lady smiled and hugged her, "I'm not a miss, I'm Narari. Call me...sister. Yes, and I will call you my little angel." 11

"Angel..." I'm not a demon. It's so sudden and..."I like it sister, but can you call me an angelic demon?" She looked at the floor, blushing. She was requesting something for a name! Oh no, she was being a spoiled brat!12

Narari lifted Claire's face and did the peace sign smiling, "OK! Angelic demon, it is! Let's fight off those evil-doers! Ahahahahaha!" Narari punched her fist in the air. Claire laughed with her. 13

Thank you God, thank you father, thank you mother....I'm glad I fainted, what a dream come true!14

Unknowingly to her, the dark of her heart was fading and all that was left was her inevitable fate of a confrontation with mom. The haunting past. 15

A contest entry

Do you like it? What can I improve on?

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Comments

  • slashinguk
    December 18, 2007
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    Shifting perspectives

    There seem to be several shifts in perspective that make this difficult to follow. The most intrusive appear in the second last paragraph; who is speaking and who is "I". I think this whole story needs fleshing out to fill in some the background and character details too.


  • Violet Moodswing Greeters member
    December 16, 2007

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    Welcome to StoryWrite

    In para 1 next to the last sentence you slip into present tense while everything else is in past. Other than that one spot I didn't notice any other descepencies in tense.

    I really like where the story is going. It does not seem finished simply because it spurred my imagination and left me wanting to know what happens next.

    I really enjoyed it and I hope that you will continue to add to it and maybe even develope the current characters a little further with more detail leading up to the current events.

    Best of luck in the contest.


  • Andy Stephenson gold member
    December 8, 2007

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    Interesting tale

    I found this a little confusing. It seems like you could add a lot of detail to the story. It moves along too quickly. Thanks for entering the contest.

    Andy