[ My Story and Confessions 2007 1 ]

My Story and Confessions 2007 1

I like all of us in this world have a story to tell. My story isn’t a tragedy nor is it a fairytale. I have been through so much in past 17 years; some good, some bad; all a learning lesson in some way. The story I live is unfinished and will only grow as I do. The story I have to tell is like a flower; a flower starts as a small bud and opens and grows and eventually dies off to bloom again. 2

When I was born November 10 1990 I didn’t have a family celebrating my arrival, just a mother having a baby by accident. My birth mother claimed she wasn’t on drugs when she was pregnant, but with all my problems that would soon follow, I don’t believe that. 3

Even though she was probably on drugs she herself wouldn’t of given me up for adoption. My problems forced her to give me up when child services got involved because of my repeated trips to the hospital and excessive weight loss. Before I was even year old I was in the operating room, for a condition called failure to thrive, as the name says I was unable to grow, almost everything I ate was thrown back up; my body was unable to hold food down. 4

Once I was healthy enough to leave the hospital, I was sent to a foster home near Pendleton waiting to be adopted. Soon after I was put into foster care, I was introduced to an interested family. I don’t really know why they decided to adopt me, maybe because I was too cute to resist. I was officially part of the Shepherd clan at age 2 ½. The next 7 ½ years had some minor problems with my ears that resulted in the removal of my adenoids. The real problems started when I was 10 or so. These problems led us on a 7 year roller coaster that I believe is finally over (well at least the worst of it.)5

The problems started when my parents and my sister finally got fed up because my behavior and choices were ripping the family apart. The tensions in our house were very high. There were fights almost every night. Looking back still to this day I can’t believe the girl I was. My mom finally got fed up and took me into counseling. Soon after I was diagnosed with ADHD and depression and put me on meds to treat it. 6

Soon after I was put on meds I started lying more and more. In time lying became an automatic reaction to almost every situation I faced. I would never admit at the time but my lying had nothing to do with my disorder; I just didn’t know how to handle stress.7

I had no sense of right or wrong at the time. I was stealing just because I could. I thought other peoples stuff was mine. Still to this day I don’t know how I stopped; I guess something clicked in my brain. But this lying and stealing spree went on until 6 months ago.8

By the end of my 6th grade year I was failing in every aspect. I was failing in school. I was still very depressed. I hated myself. I thought I was ugly and fat. I started to question why God put me here. I kept this all hidden though. I swore people would never really understand how screwed up I really was. I finally told my counselor. My counselor decided to change my meds. The medication change worked for a little while; but eventually everything changed for the worse. I started to become more and more depressed; but I was the only one who knew that. When I was around people I slapped on a happy face to prove to people I was okay and that I didn’t need anyone’s help; that was all a lie. 9

The next year or so is a blur to me; all I remember is that this problem never did get fixed. At times we got my disorder under control, but it was only temporary. I’m not saying the problem was just my disorder; I my self was a problem. 10

I remember very clearly all of responsibility issues I had throughout all of junior high and most of my freshman and sophmore years. I was constantly losing things; from homework to keys to clothing, I couldn’t keep track of anything. I still have that issue today, but it’s not even close to the same degree that it was then. 11

I had many issues over the next couple years; I am sure everyone saw them, but to me it’s just a blur. The real turning point was in November 2006 when everything that was the matter with me reached a disastrous peak; a peak I am not proud of at all. I was stealing, lying, getting in fights and basically failing in school. The counselor and my family all knew something wasn’t right, I was on meds to treat ADHD and depression and I was still was failing in every aspect of my life. My grades in school were C’s, D’s and F’s. I refused to let anyone help me. I isolated myself from everything I once held close. I could go on with my issues at the time, but that list could go on for more then I think anyone wants to read. 12

It was soon after that peak that I started on a downward spiral that almost convinced me into making the worst mistake of my life. By mid January I had reached rock bottom in my depression and in my life. I felt like a worthless piece of junk. I did not see a reason for living any longer. I was suicidal and even ready to kill myself. It has taken me a while to realize that those feelings were far from true, I have family and friends who love and care about me very much, but I just ignored what they were trying to do. 13

In the beginning of February of 2007 I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Soon after my diagnosis on the night before Valentines Day I was admitted to the hospital in Portland for psychiatric treatment. I knew I needed help, so I went willing. In my opinion at the time what else did I have to lose. I was in the psych ward of the hospital for almost a week. My time in the hospital was only the beginning to a solution to my disorder. My time in the hospital came to a surprise to those who were not living with me. Most of my family had no clue how bad things had really gotten. I wasn’t aware of exactly how bad things had gotten either; I didn’t realize that until a few short months ago, when I could finally start looking back on the problems I faced. 14

The next few months were very hard on me and I assume my family as well. From February of 2007 to August of 2007 I changed medications dozens of times, trying to find the right combination. Those seven months were very hard and very frustrating for my family and me. I wanted more then anything for everything to be “normal” again. It was not till the summer of 2007 was over that things started becoming normal. The normal that has now developed in our household is a normal that I have never had before. 15

Now that I can look back on the past I really believe that the typhoon of a roller coaster has come to an end. Understand that I am not saying I will never have issues again, because that would be false. I will be dealing with my bipolar disorder for the rest of my life and I am okay with that. My saga of issues has made me a stronger women and the person I am today. 16

Though throughout my issues I never really appreciated my family and everything they have done, today I could not be more thankful. My family has been through a lot with me, especially my parents. My parents have been through hell and high water with me and for that I am grateful. I know for a fact if I had parents who didn’t give a damn about me I would not be here today. I may not be able to be in my parents shoes, but I can imagine how hard it has been to live with a bipolar teenager. My parents have seen my issues first hand and I am hopeful they never have to see my issues at such extremes ever again. 17

It amazes me that one small glitch in someone’s chemistry can cause what I, my family and my friends have gone through. I can not begin to thank my family and friends enough for sticking by me when things got tough. I know the past will never be erased completely, but hopefully I can prove to my family and the world: I am not the person I used to be nor will I be that person ever again! 18