The Adventures of Water Woman II: The Attack Of The Unclean

The Adventures Of Water Woman II1

The Attack Of The Unclean2

By Talen King3

Act I: The Hectorville Rubbish Day4

I see you haven’t had enough of Water Woman’s wacky adventures. Well, I, the author, will entertain you once again with my super-typing ability, constant intermissions and charming but nonetheless hilarious humour. Now, shall we begin?5

Every second Tuesday is the Hectorville Rubbish Day. Every citizen living in Hectorville throws out their share of garbage and the collection mass is always recorded at a MINIMUM of three million tonnes! Amazingly, that’s not that much for Hectorville, since it’s such a big city. The rubbish that is collected is then bored into the ground using a powerful Picker Power Pile Driver (can be found in eBay).6

Now, if you didn’t read the previous book, I will introduce Wanda again. Wanda Wave is a smart, attractive blonde that lives in an apartment 50 stories above the ground, so that she can see the city of Hectorville as far as it went (and maybe for other reasons too). Her boyfriend, Dirk Borden, was locked away in jail on a 3 year charge (read book 1). Now, let’s get this book started.7

Intermission8

For your benefit, this author is bringing back the intermissions from the first book. Isn’t that delightful? The powerful Picker Power Pile Driver was first introduced in Hectorville around the late 70’s, when the rubbish dumps in the city were getting overloaded. The PPPPD can compact and burrow roughly one million tonnes of rubbish per day, and comes in handy every Hectorville Rubbish Day.9

Act II: The Power Plant Disaster10

Today is the Hectorville Rubbish Day. Some children from the local school are having a very fun field trip. The workers at the power plant are working overtime, and have to try and stop the kids from touching everything, and they don’t like it. In all the calamity, one worker bumps almost three barrels of the plant’s most hazardous toxic waste into the deposit chamber of the powerful Picker Power Pile Driver. The barrels are quickly compacted and burrowed into the ground before anyone notices (that was quick). This author doesn’t think that this is going to turn out well.11

Wanda notices a strange colouration in the soil around the power plant from her apartment window. But how can she see it, I hear you say. Well, unfortunately enough for Wanda’s nostrils, her apartment is right next to the plant.12

‘That colouration can’t be normal,’ Wanda says to herself, ‘I’d better go check it out.’13

Wanda goes over to the power plant and has a chat with the boss, Mr. Richardson.14

‘Mr. Dickson, I have been noticing a strange change in colouration around your plant from my apartment window,’ says Wanda.15

‘Yeah, what about it? And it’s Mr. Richardson to you,’ replies Mr Richardson, taking a sip out of his BE PUNCTUAL coffee cup.16

‘Well, aren’t you going to do anything about it, Mr. Dickson?’17

‘I might, I might not. What if you are one of those phoney health workers come to spy on my company? And it’s Richardson, rude one.’18

‘But Mr. Dickson –‘19

‘But nothing! I live up to the Workplace Health Organisation’s standards. Why should I improve my conditions? And it’s Richardson!’20

‘Well, for a start, Mr. Dickson –‘21

‘Richardson! Now get out of my office!’ Mr Dickson, uh, Richardson shouts. Wanda leaves the office.22

Intermission23

If you know your nicknames, you’ll know why Wanda kept calling him Mr. Dickson. Seems like the arrogant type, doesn’t he?24

Act III: Four Weeks Later…25

It is midnight when Wanda hears some awkward noises outside her window. Some strange cracking but otherwise muffled sounds. She gets out of bed, puts on her slippers and takes a look outside.26

Wanda can’t believe her eyes! The ground around the power plant is glowing out of weird cracks in the ground. The cracks continue to spread and soon a gigantic fissure surrounds the plant. Wanda changes into Water Woman and rushes down to the ground floor. Water Woman runs toward the power plant and looks inside the fissure. As if waiting for her, a grubby, filthy hand reaches out and grabs her face. Water Woman fights off the hand and steps back from the fissure. Dirty, disgusting things suddenly are pouring out, and pretty soon, Water Woman is surrounded. If this is getting too scary, you don’t have to keep reading, but I suggest you do. Water Woman is scared for the first time in her life. One, uh, thing creeps up to Water Woman.27

‘Hmm, she is clean,’ it says in a horrid voice.28

‘Uh, and you want to know why?’ she replies.29

‘We are the Unclean.’30

‘Yes, I can see that you’re dirty.’31

‘No, we are the Unclean, not we are unclean.’32

‘Oh, right, my mistake.’33

‘Some idiot must have bored toxic waste into the ground or something. I feel horrible!’34

‘I would imagine.’35

‘We shall get revenge on the ones who awakened us!’ the Unclean shout.36

‘Well, it’s midnight, can you wait until morning?’ Water Woman says, trying to persuade them to wait so that she can be ready.37

‘I suppose. We are filthy and disgusting and psychotic killers, but we still have our manners.’38

‘Nice to know. So, we have ourselves a deal?’39

‘Yes.’40

Intermission41

I wonder how old the Unclean are? I’m the author, I should know! Do you have any idea? Com on, give me a hint. Please? Three thousand, four thousand years old? Aar, forget it.42

Act IV: The First Assault43

It’s now dawn, 30 minutes before the Unclean attack. Water Woman rushes around the city, warning everyone of the danger to come. Unfortunately, no one believes her.44

It is now 5 minutes before the attack. Water Woman prepares to fight off thousands, maybe millions, maybe even billions of these new enemies. Her battle suit was fitted to optimum performance, fitted with soap rifles, shampoo grenades, and various other things. She is determined not to lose this battle. Suddenly, they attack all at once. Water Woman barely has time to draw one of her weapons before the Unclean obliterate her with sheer power. Mud balls, filth and soap are suddenly flying everywhere. The battle begins.45

A group of Unclean are quickly destroyed by a grenade, but a larger group immediately take their place. Water Woman attempts to hold them back with suppressing soap fire, but every step she drives them back, they gain two steps forward. This is the end of Hectorville, Water Woman thinks, and it’s all because of Mr. Dickson and his slack standards. Just when Water Woman is overwhelmed, giant soap bars fall from the sky and land on large groups of Unclean. The Hectorville Assault Alpha Team has arrived.46

Intermission47

The Hectorville Assault Team (HAT) has served Hectorville since the police station was found lazy and intolerant. They specialise in varied situations and are always equipped with the right weapons and tactics for the situation. Squad Alpha consists of Commander Jerry Fielder, Lieutenant Matthias Rilph (Matt), Lieutenant Fenton Perall (Feral) and Staff Sergeant Tyson Jenkins (TJ).48

Act V: Retaliation49

‘Need a hand?’ Cmdr Jerry yells over the roar of the chopper.50

‘A couple of minutes earlier wouldn’t have been too bad either!’ replies Water Woman.51

Squad Alpha rushes out of the chopper and joins Water Woman in the battlefield. TJ is quickly subdued by Unclean and it takes Matt and Feral to save him. The battlefield is quickly joined by other HAT Squads and it quickly turns into an over-charactered book. Unclean corpses litter the floor as Water Woman and the HAT slowly overturn the battle. Suddenly, one of the Unclean steps forward.52

‘Enough!’ shouts the Unclean. ‘We will get nowhere by continuing to fight! We must organise a parley.’53

‘Is this another one of your tricks?’ asks Jerry.54

‘No, I speak the truth.’55

‘What sort of parley do you have in mind?’ asks Water Woman.56

‘If you lead us to the people who awakened us, we will return to the depths.’57

Water Woman quite liked this idea. A little revenge never hurt anyone. ‘You have yourselves a deal.’58

Intermission59

OK, now I’m confused. The Unclean are bloodthirsty killers, right. Then why the hell would they organise a parley? I’m the author and I’m confused!60

Act VI: Goodbye, Mr. Dickson61

The Unclean storm through Mr. Richardson’s bedroom door only 2 minutes after the parley was made. Mr. Richardson wakes up just as the Unclean start to drag him from his king-size bed and through the door.62

‘What is going on here? Are you guys phoney health workers?’63

‘No, we’re the -’64

‘Where are you taking me? To your secret headquarters so you can interrogate me?’65

‘Are you the one named Mr. Dickson?’66

‘It’s Richardson to you, and you still haven’t answered my question! I demand an answer!’67

‘Aar, shuddap, ya loony!’ yells Feral.68

‘Never! Do you know who I –‘69

‘We know! Now be quiet! There are people trying to sleep!’ Water Woman butts in.70

Outside the house (with Mr. Richardson gagged) Water Woman and the Unclean organise the second part of the deal.71

‘You will let us take him,’ the Unclean protests.72

‘Do whateva ya want to ‘im, ‘e’s a weirdo anyway,’ Feral replies.73

‘He’s still a citizen of Hectorville, and, sadly enough, we have sworn to protect all citizens of Hectorville,’ Matt points out.74

‘Matt’s right. I’m sorry, but you can’t take Mr. Dickson,’ Water Woman says.75

‘Rchrsn!’ Mr. Richardson muffles in the gag.76

‘If you will not sacrifice one of your kind, we will have to kill much more,’ the Unclean protest. With this being said, the Unclean close in on Water Woman and the HAT.77

‘Fine, but on one condition,’ Matt says, ‘make sure that he has a quick and painless death.’78

‘But that’s not fun!’ replies the Unclean.79

‘Fun or not, that’s the only way you’re going to go away with Mr. Dickson.’80

‘Rchrsn!’ For the sake of dramatic tension, this author will keep you waiting until the next chapter for the outcome. Teehee, I’m such a tease!81

Intermission82

Hmm, I’d really like the Unclean to become politicians. They make good debates, and they know what methods to use to get their way. I can picture it now: FILTHINGTON FOR PM.83

Act VII: Justice Prevails (again)84

The Unclean agree to the deal. In a matter of minutes the Unclean have crawled back into the fissure with Mr. Richardson. The fissure slowly closes and a few muffled screams can be heard from Mr. Richardson before the fissure shrinks. Water Woman and the HAT have a minute of silence, and then celebrate the end of that paranoid old coop. Wanda is appointed boss of the plant and introduces safe and environmentally friendly ways to dispose of the rubbish (and the moon doesn’t like it). Wanda is visited by several phoney health workers and realises why Mr. Richardson was the way he was. She quickly hands the job over to a cashier at Woolworths. The cashier at Woolworths quickly hands the job over to a hobo and so on.85

Wanda and Jerry start going out and Feral, Matt and TJ are awarded a medal for braveness in the field. A happy ending for everybody once again (except for Mr. Richardson). This author has enjoyed writing Water Woman books so much that he is thinking of making a third book. Keep an eye out!86

Concluding Intermission87

Will the Unclean attack again?88

THE END89