Can’t you lot read?’ roared an elderly gentleman. His face was bunched, and his greying skin allowed the veins to show his anger. He shuffled towards me as my sympathetic smile encouraged him. ‘You’ve got computers!’ he continued, ‘and still you can’t get it right!’1
‘I’m sorry, Sir. What exactly is your problem?’ I asked, still smiling politely.2
‘I’ve not got my usual paper! And I received the Times,’ he hissed. ‘I can’t read that!’3
‘Well,’ I said, seeing the funny side of his predicament. His annoyance ebbed a little as I made light of the situation. ‘Machines make mistakes too.’4
‘What’s the point in having them then?’ he spat. 5
‘It’s having a bad electronics’ day,’ I said.6
That seemed to strike the epicentre of his anger, quelling it as though pouring water on a lighted match. ‘I’m sorry,’ I continued, ‘you’ve had disappointment – not mention the trouble you’ve gone to, but I can’t help you.’7
His expression changed: I had ignited his rage and his temperature rose. His face burned. ‘What!’ he cried. ‘I’ll take my business elsewhere!’8
‘That would an advantage, Sir,’ I steadily replied. ‘For this is a stationer’s shop. You need the newsagents next door.’9
A contest entry
- I laugh, you laugh, everybody laughs by deepak-maini.
175 points, ended December 12, 2007, 12 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Based on actual events...
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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Great Read!
Perfect!! Not too long, no big typos/errors, and gives great visual with a twist that ends with a laugh!
Perfect!
beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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LOL I loved this little story...it was cute and funny...I love reading things that make me smile...I have found it hard to ever be happy since my son was killed n a wrech at age 18 just 4 years ago...so I love it when I det some little something to smile about! thanks for sharing your work with me!
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For a short piece it was actually good. I could see the old man in my head, you could have expanded it at least a bit but thats no huge problem!
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Absolutely delightful!
So well done! Brilliantly crafted. Not an unnecessary word. Short, sweet and to the point. The characters were very well defined, the voices quite distinct. An excellent read throughout.
Lis
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Thank you, Lis, for your comment, an encouraging critique.
Dom
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Nice twist
A nice little twist at the end. I think you can lose the comma in the second sentence. I reckon you enliven this with some more graphic description of the man's changing emotional state - veins standing prominently, cheeks flushed red, teeth-bared in aggression, shoulders hunched as though prepared for a fight - I'm sure you know the sort of thing. -
Nicely done
I enjoyed it; though it could have been longer and better. You could flesh out the old man a little more, for instance. Add a little character to the young guy as well. Just a few thoughts.
Best of luck in the contest.
Deepak
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