I made my last sale to a Corp.1
Balding, ratty briefcase, skin so green it'd look out of place on a frog--your typical stock man. It wasn't a bad deal, considering the crash. His contract had the usual haul: low floor inhab, two bedrooms, nice side of town: two-door cruiser, early model but suited to city driving. His bank account wasn't what you'd call Midas exactly, but in the Grace business, you take what you can get.2
"Got a ship?" I asked, folding the contract and tucking it into my duffle.3
He snapped the handle ofhis briefcase between two fingers. "If I had a ship, don't you think I'd be on it?"4
"There's some don't think they could get far enough."5
And yes, I'm one of them. Give me the choice between a big rock and a big ship, and my money's on the rock.6
My Corp shrugged. I sighed. We were standing in the middle of Central Park and it was hotter than hell. Let me tell you, Central's the worst place south of the Harlem to drive a deal; back in the day, the Cents'd raise holy hell if they found an Angel on their turf. I wouldn't have been there myself, but it's a bitch trying to lure a Corp to our side of town.7
The Grace business had a whole new clientele since the Collars started preaching the end of the world.8
"Alright," I said. "No ship. Got a goldfish?"9
His froggy eyes bulged in their sockets.10
"No? Shame. Gen-ens catch a Dutchman on the black market."11
"Please," he said. The briefcase handle snapped to attention. 12
"Everything's in the contract, for all the good it does you."13
What, frog-face, got somewhere to go? I bit my tongue. When your business is suicide, you don't disrespect your customers.14
I took a brown bottle from my duffle bag. The Corp made a move at it--greedy Wall Street bastard--but I stepped out of reach. The bottle was hot in my hand as I unscrewed the cap and shook out a single white capsule. Grace.15
"Bite, don't swallow," I said, tossing it to him. He caught it in one hand. "Brain death in three minutes; the heartbeat stops in five."16
That's how Grace works--at least, that's how this Angel's Grace works. You could say I perfected the formula, got rid of the nasty side effects. You could say that. I couldn't be sure, not until frog-face took the first dive.17
I shoved the bottle back into my bag and zipped it closed. "Anything else?"18
What the hell do you say after that?19
He paused with his hand halfway to his mouth. "What are you going to do?"20
I gave him a long, hard look. "There's things you learn selling Grace," I said. "What a man looks like when he's gonna die, for instance. And I tell you, this world don't look like it's gonna die. And if it does?" I shrugged. "I'm going out one damn rich Angel."
Author notes
This story was written for a flash fiction competition.
Did the plot (world ending, buying suicide pills, etc) come across clearly, or were you confused?
Did the slang "work," or did you have to guess at meanings? Which terms were particularily confusing?
How was the structure of the story (opening, closing, exposition)?
Thanks so much for your help! Let me know if I can return the favor!
A contest entry
- Write Me Something Original! by Rhubarb.
225 points, ended August 23, 2008, 13 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please answer the questions in the author's note.
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
-
This is a reat idea. I didn't know what business the main charcter was in before she said: 'When your business is suicide, you don't disrespect your customers'. I am 12, so that's probably why I didn't get it.
The slang was great, I understood everything. I really like the ending, it is really effective. I love the way you describe the man as a frog. The beginning line was brilliant. Really exciting writing.
Thanks for entering, well done! -
Fantastic!
I love things like this - I got it immediately. I think if you had made it any more obvious the audience might feel patronised. I think this is an idea that could be taken way, way further, I already like your Angel character and I personally have a thing for semi-religious imagery.
I would apprciate it if you could read one of the chapters of my novel - on my page it's the 'Underwood' list.
I'm really glad I got to read this!
Toxic Paradox xxx -
I lke the fact u kept it a secret you made the story to make the reader think I was confused at first but then I read between the lines and got the whole story.
-
a little thin
Unexplained jargon is a turn off because of the confusion factor. If it's revealed in a timely manner (connect the dots) then its ok. Since it was short, I stuck with it and certainly picked up that Grace = Suicide Pills. I'm assuming that Collars refers to the Clergy of some sort, but they've been predicting the end of the world from day one, so nothing new. The Crash (capitalize?) would explain the individual, but not necessarily the whole society. If he's got stuff like a house, car, and money, why kill himself? Seems like his motive should be more intense, but it could be personal and not explained in detail, just hinted at. Why call him a Corp? Is that short for "corpse", which would seem too simple. References to Cents'd, Gen-ens, Dutchman, and goldfish didn't mean much to me. I think I got the ship (to escape) and the rock (the planet). I'm assuming Angel is a euphemism, but what if (as an added twist, if I may) it was literal and the narrator is collecting souls (demon) versus money? Then the Corp's motivation could be to collect insurance to save his family and get them off planet. Overall, I'd say the flow and structure are good. Your point definitely comes home in spite of any unexplained jargon. It's just a little thin. -
I really liked this story; the plot came across clearly enough. I was a bit confused for the first few lines, but that was probably because it took me a while to get used to the language. The slang worked for me and set the atmosphere for the piece. I also thought it helped characterize the main character. The structure wasn't bad; the beginning gripped my attention, and the story builds well throughout the piece. I loved your final line.
-
I think this is a great premise, especially for a short story like you have laid out here. Very interesting, and definitely original. I liked your use of slang terms, mostly because they made the angel seem more human lol. The structure of the story was good, although there wasn't really a grand "aha!" moment at the end (or at least not for me). You dropped enough hints throughout the story that I had figured out what was going on before then, which wasn't all bad either. The intelligent reader will be able to read through the firstp art and collect the puzzle pieces, if you will, and then at the end they can see if they're right.
The one thing that remains confusing is the suicide pill, Grace. Is it different from other suicide pills somehow? When you say that it didn't have the side effects of normal suicide pills, does that mean you won't go to hell for committing suicide using Grace? lol. That was my guess, but it didn't come through clearly at all, if that's the truth. Also, you seemed to gloss over the point that the angel doesn't really know if it works or not...is he running an end-of-the-world scam? A crooked angel? lol. Anyways...hopefully you'll find something helpful in all of my rambling lol. Great story and good luck with the revision process! 
-
good!
the beggining was a little confusing for me, but that was me, i didnt get much of that, but it all made sense at the end, after i knew what it was about, the story went to fast to tell what the characters were like, but id give them a high score anyways, they seemed alright, apart from you.
the plot made sense towards the end and the language was good, some words i didnt know, but, thats what makes it better. keep up the good work!
beginning: 3, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 4.
Adding your comment:
1 - 7 of 7
