Revising
Author notes
(I wrote this originally for an online newspaper, and apparently I wasn't supposed to post it until the next issue was published...so I'll put it back up with revisions around January.)
I really don't like this story. It is loosely based on truth, though, and did get me out of a major writer's block...even if it's the worst thing I've written all year.
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
-
Too light
Doesn't seem to be much to it. A very short story about not having a story because you wrote the story for someone else? -
-
um...there isn't a story right now. I wasn't supposed to post it until January (it's one of the rules of another site), so I edited it out.
-
-
If this is your worst story, I 'm curious to read the rest of them ... and honored that you gave me a rather favorable review on one of my stories :-). I love the details, especially that cuckoo clock without a battery to symbolize the broken family, the reference to the Dollar Store, the plastic Christmas tree with one decoration. I also love the subtlety with which you describe and contrast the Christmas atmospheres inside and outside the house.
I feel there 's someting wrong with the fifteenth paragraph, although I can 't really put my finger on what it is. It might just be too drawn out. My feeling is that one sentence about the whole divorce thing would really be enough. The essence is that there 's no money because he left. Anything else is overkill.
Paragraph 29 ("Carla was my grandmother"): You 're stating the obvious here. I think you could drop that sentence.
Paragraph 37: Somehow, that dialogue doesn 't sound real to me. It 's something for a bad Hollywood movie, not real life.
I do love the guilt that the character is struggling with, and I think that 's very real. I don 't know about the flip-flop from hating the Christmas carolers to wanting to join them, though. Both positions seem a little extreme to me. In paragraph 10, you write 'the real world is full of evil and pain.' And while I recognize that the character is probably thinking something very much along those lines, it comes across to me as a bit over the top. Especially since at the end, there suddenly seems to be no problem with that fantasy world that is nothing like the 'evil' real world.
Hope that helps.beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 4, ending: 3, dialog: 3, characters: 3.
-
-
Thanks for reading and taking the time to write such a long comment =). When I wrote the story, most of it felt fake to me, possibly because it was my first try writing in first person. Your comment was extremely detailed, and will definitely be helpful when I revise it.
-
-
I loved this write. It woke long dead memories of my childhood. You painted an excelent mental picture of the aparment, although I didn't know cuckoo clocks took bateries. This write plucked at my emotions and made me cry.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
Adding your comment:
1 - 5 of 5
