He told me they were devil worshipers, the embodiment of evil. Said that they’d turned their backs on God and all that was holy. I’d been with them once. And now I wish I hadn’t been. I was a danger to them: a danger to myself, a danger to society. 1
But it was hard. I had to fight for his love, you know. Every action – every word I spoke – was done to get his attention. He was my father, but he never acted like it. I was always this inconvenience – this hindrance – to his goals. 2
I never had to fight for their love.3
I was accepted almost immediately. Devil’s spawn? Perhaps. But if they were evil, then my father was the devil, for they were kind men. Good people who were just…different from everyone else. 4
So how is it that I ended up here?5
How could I have given in? 6
I don’t want to do this. But it’s too late now. If I don’t, he’ll send someone else. Someone who won’t be as merciful as I am. Someone who’ll torture them all before they die. 7
No, better that it is I who does the deed. 8
So I find myself at their doorway. On this mission. With knives. And they, unsuspecting, open the door wide, welcoming me. I can hardly bear it. 9
It will be quick. 10
It is a suicide mission. He knew that, and I see it now. He said I would redeem myself by doing this – that I will return as a hero.11
But there will be no return. He wants me to die in the attempt. Redemption? There will be none. 12
The floorboards creak softly as I enter the gathering chamber. Cold air rushes in through the open windows, causing the scarlet draperies to billow outwards, their pliant forms thrashing against the wind. I shiver and pull my cloak closer to my body. Thirteen candles line the walls, each carefully placed inside an ornate glass lantern. The entire room is lit solely by their light. 13
A marble altar stands at the head of the chamber, where a miniature statue of the Goddess overlooks it. I kneel on one of the prayer mats and bow my head like the twelve other people surrounding me. The whispered words of the first prayer – for safety and longevity – hang in the air. Tonight, I cannot bring myself to say them.14
I shift my position and stare at my clasped hands in silence. 15
It seems fitting to say a prayer for forgiveness, but the words seem to slide past my mind. 16
I do not deserve Her forgiveness.17
One of my hands inches toward a knife. My fingers grasp the hilt and begin to pull steadily upwards. 18
I cannot stop myself. 19
My other hand, unbidden, draws the second knife. 20
And I rise abruptly and plunge both blades into the man sitting next to me. Blood…warm, glistening blood flows freely from his body. His face is frozen in an expression of shock. 21
The others turn and stare; and for a moment, all is still.22
My hands and cloak are stained crimson.23
What have I done?24
Then, screams penetrate the stillness. Two men rush toward me. I wrench the knives from his body and slash at one, then the other. I feel the unforgiving steel cutting through their flesh. They fall to the ground, writhing in agony. 25
Not quite dead.26
I stab one of them in his chest. More blood gushes forward. I turn to the other one. 27
His eyes lock on mine: huge wells of fear and questioning. 28
I've betrayed them. My body shakes uncontrollably as I watch his life drain away.29
What have I done?30
I lower my arms. I can see the remaining men charging at me. I do not care.31
Pain lances up my leg. I look back and see a sword embedded in it. Someone strikes my hands. The knives fall from my grasp. He raises the sword to strike again. A slight pause; then, he thrusts it downwards, into my back. He hesitates again. Seizes the hilt with both hands. Twists. Jerks it out. 32
And then they’re gone. I can hear them dragging the bodies behind them. 33
I wish the blows had killed me.34
At least then, the end would have been quicker.35
But I deserve this, don’t I?36
I betrayed them.37
Author notes
I needed practice writing in first person, and was browsing through some unfinished stories I'd written a while ago, which set up the conflict in this.
the first few lines were easy to write, but it got harder toward the end...probably because I was typing it at midnight.
It needs more work and development, but I can't think right now.
A contest entry
- enter anything by Anonymous Shadow.
150 points, ended December 3, 2007, 23 entries
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Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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Beginning: You drew me into the story but sooner or later I would have liked to know more about the character. I can't put a face or gender which makes me feel as if this story was too one dimensional.
Ending: I think I must have missed something but who was he betraying exactly? His father, the devil worshippers, the people he was sent to kill? It didn't seem much of a suicide mission. It appeared pretty obvious your character was going to get away with it.
Character: Whether written in first or third person, your character seemed a little wooden and your description was more on the surface. I didn't feel anything for the person as I am sure I should have.
Plot: The pace was good as it started out strong and kept going, using the details to drive the story onwards. I understood the theme you were going for and the idea was a little fresher than some stories on this site. The demon idea isn't widely used when writing stories.
Your story had an easy read flow with no large paragraphs and dialogue that are clumped together like some writers like to leave them. You could actually read the story from beginning to end.
The dialogue in the story from your character seemed more in his head than in words through his/her lips, but it wasn't too difficult to understand. You still knew where your character was coming from and where he was headed.
Overall, it was a good story. Good luck in the contest.
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Thanks for the long and detailed comment. I was more focused on style and writing in first person for this story, since I lack practice in that area. I probably should've developed the character further, but it was more like a freewrite than an actual story.
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I kinda like the mystery of it all, not knowing whether the character was male or female, wonderful writing, you should continue this and do a prequel.
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Builds in strength throughout
The first four paragraphs suited your third person writing style better than the first person, and felt a little forced. The transition in paragraph 5 works well, bringing the reader to the present situation. From here, despite your own commentary, I think the story gains in strength: credibiliy, immediacy and interest, as well as the powerful foreboding are thrust upon the reader.
By the end I was completely captivated, and like your other works, didn't want it to end.
Alas.
I find the style and language of all of your writing to be absolutely wonderful.
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really? I thought the end was weak. Maybe I'll try rewriting it in third person to see what happens. Thanks =D
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I'll clarify. Stylistically, the piece gained in strength throughout (hence credibility, immediacy and interest), but the story itself was flat and linear, but then so are most stories. The telling is much more engaging than a simple story synopsis would ever tell.
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