The cold winterly breeze hit my cheek as I walked in my dad's restaurant with three of my best friends. The restaurant was covered with Christmas decoration from top to bottom. I grasped my badge-colored coat and walked side by side with my friends to a vacant booth in the back.The place was warm and toasty and I could smell the delightful food the staff was preparing.1
"I bet you could'nt even scare me a bit Shaneka" Jordan Exclaimed.2
"hush, you know I can, don't hate!"3
Ashley and I stared as they played around in cafe wondering if they would come down.4
It was 8:00pm and it was getting cooler by the moment.5
"HEY" I yelled. "how about we play triple dare so you two would shut up?"6
Everyone paused for a second and then nodded looking uninnocent.7
"OK then, I'll pick the victim" She said laughing.8
Everyone placed there hands in the center of the table. before Ashley said anything she thought of the number 13 in her head.9
"OK, pick a number 1 through 20."10
I said 2, shaneka said 19, and Jordan said 12.11
"My number was 13, Jordan your it" Ashley burst-ed out laughing.I chuckled while shaneka smiled.We stopped laughing and then turned our heads to shaneka.12
"I dare you to Do Mary-Mary in the bathroom" said Shaneka smiling.13
I stood up as Ashley gasped. Soon all four of us stood up.
Jordan smoothed his hair out and acted as if he were brave and bold.
He took the lead as we all headed for the bathroom.14
15
"
Author notes
This is my first hooro story so take it easy.
Not done...
In a list
- Girls are NOT complicated lol group list • next in list
A contest entry
- To sick to care by Prodigious.Mirth.
360 points, ended January 5, 2008, 16 entries
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tell me what you think please
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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This is a really short story...
But I liked the plot,
and it was a nice attempt for a first one as well.
I must admit I've gotten to my ridiculous points where my stories aren't really good at all.
But you might need to work on grammar, punctuation, spelling, etc.
Also, you might want to organize how you want to write your story.
Keep trying and keep writing!
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1st 3 lines.
im going to be honost, i would have given up on this story after reading the 1st 3 lines. -
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Is that a good or bad thing?
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good for your first!!!!!!!! keep writing like this and you will do great!!! and make sure to check your spelling after
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Good
It's good for your first horror story; just keep adding to it. Watch your spelling & grammar too; you spelled burst as burst-ed and that's wrong. I did like it though.
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shirt but still a good read I think if you built on it , well you would have no torublw what so ever
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Well, since this is your first horror story, I'll a little easy on you.
Well, I like it, but it's waaaaay to short. Somethings you need to improve on:
Your capitialization. You need to work on it. Like in some sentences, in the beginning of it, the letter of that word is lowercased. Shouldn't be like that.
Also, you should put more detail. ALOT more detail.
Also, a mistake I noticed:
"how about we play triple dare so you two would shut up?"
First letter of the sentence is lowercased, and the word "would" should be turned into "can".
other than that, this story's good so far. keep it up.
Score: 4.8/10
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