The Apparition Man - Part Eleven

Chapter Three- Part eleven #1

My large suitcase sat open on my bed. It was packing time again, the time I most dreaded, but also loved. It was vacation time, and this time I could not be any happier. One night remained until I was due to be shipped of to the pleasant house, room seventy four, back and reunited with my forgotten love. Our spirits to be combined again as one. 2

I had all my clothes ready and prepared, all folded the best way that they possible could be. My Mothers need to arrive there in complete perfection. She drove me insane sometimes, ironically of course, with her need to be spot on, and her want to me to be the perfect, normal child. One not riddled with pain and bitterness.3

I could not remember a time when I had felt grateful for my Mother, when it I had been grateful for her love and when I had actually appreciated her. I guessed it got washed away in the sea of greif and loss, not only for my lonely father, but for my now forgotten lover. I wished that for once my mother would accept me for me, then maybe in heaven we could have all made amends for our broken troubles, and yet she wanted to remain deep in desperation, never letting me hang onto whatever memories good or bad , that I had left of Kerry.4

His angelic face. The only thing that I really had bar a few items, was his photo that I had cut out from the funeral broacher. Broacher I hated that word, it made it sound like some kind of holiday or prize, that people could get all excited about, and my Kerry was nothing like that. My Kerry was a treasure, a priceless treasure, a love to cherish, a hopeless tragic loss.5

I picked up the photograph, holding to close to my heart, feeling his ghostly presence surround me. I knew that he was here with me, he would never leave me, that I knew. His deep captivating brown eyes stared back at me, as his dark side, swept fringe covered the left side of his face. How I ached to run my hands through his soft silky hair again, to taste those sweet lips of madness, for him to bite me in places he wasn't meant to bite, in the daylight.6

I let the photograph fall on top of the pile, letting it sink deep into the clothes. It was one thing they could never take away from me, along with his ashes that I kept hidden in a pocket of my suitcase. He would not be leaving me, he would never leave my side.7

My suitcase was well packed, it was all done and now I only had to wait until sunrise for us to depart. It was a long drive to The Mercy Clinic , it would take us practically half a day and sadly to my dismay that meant I would have spent half a day with My Mother. That was the kind of time I dreaded, I could foresee the interrogation already, not that i would face it anyway. 8

Not that she had spoken to me at all during the day, after my little prank. For this, I was glad, I could not face it all anymore, I could not face anymore of her questions, when after all she knew perfectly well how I felt. So she need not even try asking. She had just sat silent through out the whole dinner, and had not even come to check on me during the night. It was me alone, patiently and Finaly bathed in her silence, and that silence had never seemed so sweet. Though of course I could never be entirely alone, for I had Kerry by my side, and I always would have, no matter what the situation. I could not stress that fact enough, though if I could, I would be more down than I already was.9

I wondered how my dad felt up there in heaven, knowing that soon I would be joining him, and maybe we could have the chance to have a relationship that we never had when he was here on earth, something he could never give me as his child.10

I closed my eyes, resting on my bed, soaking up the comfortable feeling, keeping in mind how good my bed really felt. It was soon to be, back to the old cot like b of back aching pain and torture, in The Mercy Clinic, where every night felt like you were sleeping on a bed of needles. The regret of insomnia slowly sunk in and I knew I would have to soak up as much of this comfort up as I could, before it was to late.11

Rolling over I slid my hand under my pillow, pulling out a crinkled, folded up piece of paper. It was Kerry's suicide note, hes last words to me. I had forgotten until now that I still had it, or had I maybe just pretended it wasn't there because the reminder was sometimes to painful to bare, the reminder that everyone thought he was gone. It had been months since I had read his letter. I used to read it every night after he died, I would read it and read it until I cried myself to sleep, I read it for some sort of twisted reassurance, that maybe this was all part of the fiction everyone around me was making. Like a Reality show where all your family and friends were all on some big joke.12

Now It was time to read it again, it would be the last time, as I wouldn't even dream of taking it with me. I knew he wouldn't have wanted it to be a burden of my existence, though deep down it was a burden of my life.