The Adventures Of Water Woman I: The Robbery Of Hectorville Bank

The Adventures Of Water Woman
The Robbery Of Hectorville Bank
By regaltheft
Act I: The First Act
The Thursday in Hectorville was the same as any other day. People trudging around, without a care in the world. Hectorville was that sort of place. Lazy, easy-going and, well, pretty much swarming with villains and monsters that always bring wacky adventures. But how can it have so many wacky adventures when it’s so lazy, I hear you say. It’s a weird place in comic books; you’ve got to expect anything. But now let’s get straight to the point; something terribly evil is plotting its robbery of Hectorville Bank, the richest bank in the world. This time, it happens to be a human.1

‘Hmm, this might work…nah, too many buttons,’ growls Dirt Boy, scrounging around eBay for something that he could use for his evil plan. ‘Mud Girl, is there anything in the sewer pipes?’
‘Would this be useful?’ asks Mud Girl as she emerges from the tunnel, holding a rather furry bundle.
‘That’s a rat, stupid.’
‘Can I still keep it?’
‘No, rats are filthy little things. I hate them.’
‘We’re filthy,’ Mud Girl points out.
‘Shut up and keep looking around!’ Dirt Boy exclaims.2

Meanwhile, on the other, cleaner side of Hectorville is a smart, attractive brunette by the name of Wanda Wave. She has an apartment 50 stories high, so that she can see the beautiful city as far as it went (and maybe for other reasons too). Her boyfriend, Dirk Borden, was always away on ’important business’, and she never really got a chance to see him.3

Intermission
Now, if you haven’t guessed already, every real name is linked to their super name. I should know, I wrote this. Well, back to the story!4

Act II: The Robbery Begins
Wow, up to the robbery already, you say. Well, it goes for a while so it’s starting now.5

Dirt Boy and Mud Girl fly to Hectorville Bank using their Super Hydraulic Instantaneous Transporter (teehee), while keeping a very suspicious item under a black cloak. Co-incidentally, Wanda is heading to the same place. Wanda is planning on a massive shopping spree at DFO, and plans to withdraw $3000, but she’s going to get more than just cash.6

Dirt Boy and Mud Girl enter the building. Mud Girl trips and falls onto the hard, stony marble floor, and knocks herself out (hey, you can’t blame me. Villain’s sidekicks are usually dim-witted). Dirt Boy splashes cold sewage water over her to wake her up.7

Dirt Boy grabs two bank workers and ties them up with lightning-fast super villain tying speed.
‘Give me all the money in this bank or these two are going to taste half-eaten chicken burgers until retirement!’ he shouts.8

Fortunately enough, this is when Wanda spies the scene through the window. She changes into Water Woman and interesting part of the book begins.9

Intermission
Sorry guys, I just like putting in my own comments after each act.
So…did anybody watch Home and Away the other night? Okay, okay, I’ll get on with it.10

Act III: Water Woman To The Rescue!
Dirt Boy sees Water Woman and panics. ’Quick Mud Girl, lock the door before Water Woman can enter and ruin our plans!’
Mud Girl seems confused. ‘Uh, which door?’ she replies.
Dirt Boy sighs. ‘The only door in the room, stupid.’ Mud Girl is still confused. ‘THAT ONE!’ he shouts, pointing towards the door.
‘Oh, right.’11

Mud Girl rushes towards the door, but just as she reaches it, Water Woman crashes through, knocking Mud Girl out (again). Dirt Boy growls in annoyance. This author doesn’t think he is very happy.
‘I have come to thwart your evil plans, Dirt Boy,’ says Water Woman, perfectly aware why she’s there in the first place.
‘Not this time Water Woman,’ answers Dirt Boy, ‘I have come prepared.’ You see, any other time, Dirt Boy usually rushes into each evil plan without putting much thought into it, and every time he does that, things seem to go badly (for him). This time, however, he has fought against his mighty thirst for instant domination and has been setting the plan out, piece by piece. Dirt Boy, with an evil grin on his unusual face, unveils the item under the curtain to reveal the most horrible and terrifying machine of death this author has ever seen!12

Intermission
Alright, here we go again, I hear you say. You can tell that this book is fictional because there is never only one door in the bank. How do you think Dirt Boy captured the workers? Squeezed through the transaction window?13

Act IV: The Horrible & Terrifying Machine of Death!
Water Woman screams at the sight of such a thing. It’s usually very hard to make her scream. It was big, it was tough, and it was gruesome. It was...
‘A Paper Shredding Machine Shredder!’ Dirt Boy says with a hideous laugh. ‘One more move and these two ladies can test it out!’ The two workers scream with extreme enthusiasm as they’re hoisted above the machine. Of course, Water Woman ignores the classic stay-back-or-they-die technique, and rushes to the rescue.14

Water Woman stops in her tracks. ‘Hang on, where did you even get a Paper Shredding Machine Shredder from?’ she asks in curiosity.
‘EBay! They sell everything there!’ Dirt Boy answers, ‘Except for mini talking donkeys. That’s a bummer.’15

Water Woman carefully plots her next move. In the next few seconds the workers could become mini talking donkey food. Just as Dirt Boy cuts the ropes hoisting the workers above the machine, Water Woman thinks up a very cunning statement. ‘Let them go!’ shouts Water Woman.16

Dirt Boy is startled at the sound of such a loud noise coming from her, but calmly replies, ‘And why should I do that, Water Woman?’
‘They will kill you by being sweet, since you are sour.’ Yes, this is the statement I’m talking about that was very cunning. I know it sounds ridiculous but it seems to have an effect on Dirt Boy. He sits down and thinks for a while.
‘Hmm, you’re right,’ Dirt Boy says, stroking his moustache. What, don’t you feel sorry for him? Come on, he hasn’t even got a beard to stroke, just a lowly moustache! Anyway, let’s continue with Dirt Boy’s statement. ‘Sweet never mixes with sour in any situation. Especially in that McDonalds sauce. Yuk.’ Okay, now that this stupid chapter is finished, it’s time for another…17

Intermission
Let’s take some time out to introduce the Paper Shredding Machine Shredder. The Paper Shredding Machine Shredder (©) was originally manufactured by an office building that had too many paper shredding machines and couldn’t find a safe and environmentally friendly way to dispose of them all. So, they designed a machine. The PSMS has high-quality diamond-edged titanium blades designed to cut through the plastic and steel of normal paper shredding machines. The shredding machine is placed in the entry slot, roughly cut, separated, incinerated, packed, washed (to remove germs, of course) and remoulded, and comes out of the waste bucket as a nutritious, high-iron breakfast cereal (Warning: may cause heart failure).18

Act V: Truce…?
Finally (for your comic relief) this is when Mud Girl wakes up from her long slumber. ‘What’d I miss?’ asks Mud Girl.
‘Well, apart from Water Woman making a dramatic entrance, unveiling the Paper Shredding Machine Shredder, the hostages being tied above it, and a very persuasive speech from Water Woman that brought up something about McDonalds, not much,’ replies Dirt Boy.
‘Yeah, it was pretty cool,’ adds Water Woman.
‘So, you’re not going to kill each other now?’ asks Mud Girl.
‘Yeah,’ Dirt Boy and Water Woman reply.19

Don’t worry, the book doesn’t end here. There’s still plenty more, as you’ll soon see. So, where was I? Oh, yeah.20

In the time that you read that short paragraph, Mud Girl has plotted a scheme for Dirt Boy to carry on his evil plan (amazingly).
‘Um, Dirt Boy?’
‘Yes, Mud Girl?’
‘You know those teenagers who always used to steal your Halloween sweets when you were a kid?’
‘Yeah.’
‘It was them.’
Dirt Boy is instantly enraged at the thought of this. ‘You tricked me, Water Woman, but I will kill them now before your very eyes!’ he shouts.21

The hostages scream as Dirt Boy pushes the SHRED button. The blades swirl and slash. Luckily, in the adrenaline rush, Dirt Boy forgets to cut the rope separating the hostages from the machine. The blades just nip their high heels. Dirt Boy growls in annoyance and proceeds to cut the rope.22

Intermission
I bet you’re asking how Mud Girl thought up that plan without help from others. Well, I couldn’t just let the book end at just 5 acts, so I told her what to say. Hey, I’m an author; I can do whatever I want to my books.23

Act VI: The Delay
This act is so exciting this author almost wets his pants! Dirt Boy pulls a pair of super-snippy Snipper scissors (also from eBay) out of one of his many pockets, and gets ready to cut the rope. It looks like there’s a sad ending to this book, but hey, there wouldn’t be any sense in there, now, would there?24

Just as Dirt Boy cuts the tiniest bit of the rope, Mud Girl interrupts. ‘Can I kill them?’ she asks.
‘No, I’m the villain. I’m the one who kills people,’ Dirt Boy replies.
‘But they stole my sweets too!’
‘I don’t care!’
‘But-‘
‘If you keep pushing me you won’t get chocolate when we get home!’
‘Sorry.’
This is the part where the workers actually talk, but not much. ‘Please, no, we’ll do anything!’
‘It’s too late for that!’25

Dirt Boy laughs maniacally (is that even a word?) and in all the excitement he knocks Mud Girl into the Paper Shredding Machine Shredder! Mud Girl screams as she is roughly cut, separated, incinerated, packed, washed, remoulded and plopped out in the waste bucket as a not-very-nutritious, high-mud breakfast cereal. Dirt Boy is suddenly overwhelmed with grief and guilt, but not for very long. He proceeds once again to cut the rope.26


Intermission
Now, I know how sad you all are, but think about the positive results. Mud Girl will always remain in our hearts (more like our stomachs) for sequels to come.27

Act VII: Justice Prevails
Dirt Boy laughs maniacally (again, is that even a real word?) as he starts to cut the rope, but, Water Woman has other ideas. She leaps onto the machine and kicks the super-snippy Snipper scissors out of Dirt Boy’s dirty hands, James Bond style. They lose balance and fall with a crash off the machine onto the hard marble floor. Water Woman suffers mild limb injuries and Dirt Boy suffers from a severe head blow.28

Suddenly, Water Woman remembers the advice her grandmother told her when she was young:
‘Every item on eBay has a BREAKDOWN button.’ I know, it’s weird advice, but at least it comes in hand at a time like this. Water Woman struggles to regain her feet, then spots Dirt Boy stumbling around. I could take advantage of that head injury, she thinks.
‘Dirt Boy, where’s the BREAKDOWN button on the Paper Shredding Machine Shredder?’ Water Woman asks.
‘Uh, I think it’s next to the waste bucket,’ Dirt Boy slurs.
Wanda Woman searches. ‘Is this it?’
‘A bit to the left.’
‘This one?’
‘Yep.’29

Water Woman presses the BREAKDOWN button. The machine splutters and a few clanking and crashing noises can be heard. A note falls on the ground: ‘3 DAY WARRANTY’. Dirt Boy regains his state of mind just as Water Woman restrains him. Dirt Boy is rushed to jail on a 3 year charge and a $20 fine.30

Wanda ends up going to DFO after all, Dirk Borden isn’t seen for 3 years (I wonder why), and this author buys a new computer. A happy ending for everybody (except for Mud Girl).31

Concluding Intermission
Are the hostages still tied up?32

THE END
33