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A scream sounded and the knife in his hand fell to the floor with a dull thud, sending drops of blood about. Thoughts raced through his mind at a furious pace as he stared down at the pierced man on the floor at his feet. Shallow breathing escaped from the man’s lips, huffed and short with bubbles of blood interfering with the gateway to the outside world through which he obtained his lifeline. It wasn’t supposed to end like this, he thought. I’m supposed to live! I have to live! How can I die, especially now? How...how can this really come to an end...? 2
He continued staring down at the man as the life slowly drained from his victim’s eyes and his breathing fell silent. I killed him? No, no, he couldn’t have. There was no way...but where had the knife come from? Why was this man lying dead on the floor, his eyes rolling back into his head as he slowly bled to death? How could this be? 3
Awareness crept into his mind and he shrank back in horror as the full impact of his actions took effect, grabbing his brain and throwing it out into the real world. He sat heavily upon the couch, no longer looking at the man, but staring at the floor, staring at his hands, through them, at them, through them, at them...through them... 4
He retreated from the spotlight of guilt in his mind and let himself fall into the hands of denial. Darkness descended upon his mind, and he couldn’t help but think just how cliché that was. Darkness? He was the Darkness’ child, the product of its scheming and planning throughout his whole life. He belonged to no one, but was that really true? Did he believe the obvious, truthful lies he was telling himself? 5
The police were on their way to his home, to confront him with his sins. Sins? What sins? I have committed no sins; only that which is right. I had no choice. 6
The door lay in twisted ruins on his living room floor, the glass shattered into untold numbers of pieces that glittered in the darkened moonlight shining through the windows like stars in the blackest of night skies. Furniture rested upon the floor at unnatural angles, all except the couch he now sat on. The blood of his victim stained his shirt like the stain that forever marked Pontius Pilate. It would never leave. He knew that for a fact. 7
And so he waited with fear, but confidence. He would make it through the other side of his black hole, and would resume his life. Yes, he knew, the nightmare would some day end.8
Author notes
I guess you could consider this a re-write of the original "Nightmare" that I wrote, or perhaps another side to it; which do you believe to be better? I hope you enjoy this, because I know I did when writing it. It's short, but then again, I didn't have much time to do it in; twenty minutes, at the most. Also, do me a favor and \really\ think about what apparently happened in this. Someone died, but how? Was it in self-defense? Was it a cold-blooded murder? Seriously, really think about this; you'd be surprised how little many people do.
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 28 of 28
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I like this one; one of my few stories that I still very much like
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Vague...mmm, but I get it. But not totally. Vague...
Ugh! Still not you, but you're getting there.
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Lol, to be honest, this is one of my favorites, if not the favorite story of mine, even more so than my Blade series. Still, I'm glad you liked this, and you certainly have a thing for the term "old chap," I've noticed.
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Yet again, a well written piece of literature here. You have a knack for pulling in your reader and getting them involved in some important way with the story. I like that in a writer, very nicely written! Reminds me of some thriller movies I've seen in the past, where the main character wakes up in the middle of a murder scene and we spend the rest of the movie watching the guy try to find out what really happened. For me though, your Blade series much surpasses this, while this story holds its own on a certain level. Well done old chap
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Well, like I told AngelsLethargy, that could very well be it, or maybe not; either way, I'm not gonna say. Maybe I will one day, but not right now. I'm glad you liked this; thank you for your comments.
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I haven't read the original, but you've made me think with this one. I believe that both men could have been at fault here, yet it could've been in self-defense. I'm not sure how I get my idea from it, but I feel that it may be what it is. Anyway, very nicely done even though it is short. You explain all of the emotion and detail so well in such few paragraphs. Nicely done.
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Lol, that could very well be it. Then again, maybe it's not, but either way, I'm not gonna say
. Anyways though, I appreciate your comment; it's good to see that people actually think about what they're reading, instead of letting it pass through their eyes and leaving a meaningless comment. Thanks for the applause; good luck in the contest if you enter.
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A description of death from an observers perspective. It gets attempted a number of times and usually ends up all soppy and frankly naff. The killer definitely seems to be schizophrenic and determined to figure it out at the start and then he resigns himself to some fantasy world which he's cooked up as a means of escape. That's my opinion at least.
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I tried keeping this as vague, if you will, as possible without making it so the reader has no idea what's going on. Most of what happens takes place in the main character's mind, and at the moment, he's not fully aware of what he's done; at least, not yet anyway. They say when one is under a great amount of duress, he or she, at some point, has a "moment of clarity," so to speak. I hadn't really meant for the reference to Pontius Pilate to be that moment of clarity, but in a sense, I suppose it could serve as one. You're probably right as far as it being a bit too blunt; I'll try to remember to go back and edit it so it's not so...well, so it's a bit more like the rest of the story. I'm glad you liked it overall though; this is one of my favorite stories that I've written, so it's good to know others such as yourself like it too. Good luck judging the contest.
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This was a very intriguing piece - just short enough to leave the reader wanting more. I would suggest lengthening it, except that the expectation for more that I felt afterwards lent much to my feeling for this story as a whole, and I wouldn't like to lose that. Now I do like to give some actual critique, but this is really very good and so I must become picky - I didn't like the comparison to Pontius Pilate at the end. Technically, there is absolutely nothing wrong with it, but it was so much more blunt than the rest of the story had been that it sort of woke me up from the zone your story put me in. However, this is a great story - thanks for entering it in the contest!
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To be honest, of all the short stories I've written, this is one of my favorites, but whatever. Good luck judging the contest.
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This was really good, I liked your other better though. Thanks for entering and goodluck.
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Thanks for the favorable review! The basic idea in trying to get the reader (in this case, you, obviously ) was to try and make them wonder if perhaps he was just defending himself or attacked and killed the person in a cold-blooded fashion. I knew proposing the two different ideas wouldn't work unless I described the place in which this occurred, which is why the setting itself is pretty trashed. One could say he was attacked and had to defend himself amidst a fierce struggle. Another idea could be that he attacked this person and killed him after said struggle, and still another idea is that he could've killed the person in cold blood (behind the person's back, for instance), and then trashed the place to make it seem like a struggle took place in order to say he defended himself. As to why any of this could've occurred, that's up to the reader to draw ideas on. Of course, I doubt anyone has bothered speculating on any of this, but that's alright; just knowing they liked the story itself is just fine with me. Thanks again for your praise, and good luck judging the contest when it's time to.
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this was a wonderful piece. I took your advice and *really* thought about it, and I must say you seem like a very talented writer! The flow was absolutely amazing, the word choice was delectable(sp?) and the description took my breath away! I loved it. Thank you so much for giving me the oppurtunity to read your work, and thank you for entering.
Love,
Katy
~*LiquidLullaby*~ -
Thanks; when I wrote it, I wanted to achieve a level of emotional degradation and intensity that, at that time, I had not yet been able to rise to. I feel very satisfied, even now, with this write, and I'm glad you liked it as well.
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This is very well written. Intense. It makes you want to read more. I did think about what could have happened. Maybe someone who is obsessed with religion and sin and kills because he believes he is an anti Christian leader? I don't know... just a strange thought. Good write, good luck in the contest!
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Thanks! To be honest, I prefer this over my original "Nightmare;" the latter is a bit more, shall we say, angsty, perhaps? You're the second person to point out that line lol, so I guess it's a good one. Anyways, thanks for your praise regarding this.
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He retreated from the spotlight of guilt in his mind and let himself fall into the hands of denial
LOVE IT!!!!!! GODDAMN THERE IS NO CRITIQUE. You right at th e beginning drew in with tension, and dyou stuck to it. it makes me curious about what you're afraid to right. It also makes me wonder why he killed this man, how he killed this man and what his intention was.
wondderful write
trish -
Lol, I doubt I'll win anything, considering the talent level that has been provided in this contest. I truly do wish you the best of luck.
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Oh no, I am up against you, Black Knight. *sigh* Well at least I'll lose to a great author.
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Again, thanks for your kind remarks. I enjoyed writing this story more than the original "Nightmare," and I hope I was able to show it when people have read it. As for keeping up the flow, well, that ain't too easy these days; it seems I've got a case of writer's cramp LOL. Oh well; thanks for your remarks.
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Again you have managed to pull into another one of your delightful plots and hold me captive. You have a huge gift for storywriting my friend. Don't ever stop the flow! Good luck!
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I'm glad you liked it. I wanted to write something else, another original piece, but when I went back and read the original "Nightmare," I thought to myself, "Wait a minute...there's a lot more to this that I could do." So I went ahead and came up with this. Anyways...I don't really know what else to say, so...good luck judging the contest lol.
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I'm glad you entered another piece. I saw this story more as a connected tangent to the first... perhaps not really a continuation, but maybe a different train of thought, a little more information. I think the strength in this story lies in the description, though. Each line was so originally phrased, and I felt so 'in tune' with the scenes that you described. I liked the play on words, the way you used the same words in different contexts to perhaps imply irony and such. I noticed that, anyways, with the words like 'world' and the references to 'hands.' This was very well written, and I enjoyed its brevity, also. I didn't really feel like this was 'too short' or anything. Thanks for your entry and good luck.
-Renae. -
Thank you. You say my style is "identical," as you put it, to yours, but you don't have any stories posted. Anyways, I'm glad you liked this; thanks for commenting on it.
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He retreated from the spotlight of guilt in his mind and let himself fall into the hands of denial
that's a hott line. you're an amazing writer. your writing style is identical to mine, but i enjoy reading your more lol* keep up the aweesome work, can't wait to read more
~.Sam -
Thank you. I wanted to make it so that the reader would have to speculate as to what really happened, and, judging from what you said, it seems I've just that. Thank you for commenting on this, and good luck to you as well in the contest.
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This was a very good write. I thought that the person who he killed may have been himself but I'm still unsure as to if thats what really happened. The picture you painted was so wonderful it was as though I was at the scene of the crime your were very descriptive. I enjoyed this one a lot. Good luck in the contest.
StillReal
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