"What does this mean?" I stare at the thick manila envelope he's handed me.1
"It is what it is," he looks over at me lazily with a little smile. 2
He knows I hate meaningless, psychoanalytical phrases like that. I give him a dark look and the little smile disappears. I'm half-glad. If this letter means what I think it does, then this is a sad moment and annoying attempts at humor will only make it worse.3
"How long will you be there? In France?"4
"Leah. I'm going away for college. So a long time." He twirls a strand of my hair and shifts his long lean body so he's lounging languidly against the rickety bench-swing. We're in my ancient backyard, surrounded by rusted knick-knacks and gnarled azalea bushes. But I can tell he's already in beautiful, whimsical France, lying in the sun and studying music and sharing flambé with tall, attractive French women.5
"How long?" I pull my head away impatiently but he just moves his hand with it.6
"Four years at least. If I like France as much as I expect to, then I probably won't be coming back here for grad school." A smile blooms across his face at the thought. I watch it spread even to the deep, sad place in his eyes. I should be happy for him. But I can't.7
"So you want to leave."8
"Of course. This is all I've ever wanted. You know that, Leah, what's wrong with you?"9
I look at my hands. What is he thinking? Is France so perfect and wonderful that he's not even sad about leaving me?10
He nudges my knee. "Leah?"11
I make myself look at him.12
"This won't change anything."13
"It won't change anything," I state flatly. He nods seriously. "So you'll call and we'll email and I can visit?" I'm almost getting excited at the thought. It won't just be him and Europe. He'll share it with me.14
But he's shaking his head. "You're in high school, Leah."15
Like that has anything to do with anything. I frown and stand to leave but he grabs my hands and tugs me back to him.16
"And now you're acting like it," he says and the careless little smile makes its reappearance.17
I pull my hands away and stare at him coolly. "Excuse me?"18
He shakes his head, as unfazed by the Ice Queen bit as ever. "Don't be like that."19
"Don't leave," I reply, but it comes out so quietly that even I can barely hear it. I know, deep down, that I don't want to take this away from him. And even if I wanted to, I'm not sure he would let me.20
He still manages to hear me. "Come here." He stands and pulls me over to him, resting his chin on my head.21
A breeze curls over us. He's leaving.
Author notes
[Contest stuff:
Justice
Exploding Chickens
Option 3
Twilight
Option 2
The peanut butter with the big chocolate chunk in the middle, except I always give the chocolate to a friend because I happen to hate chocolate. I know, gasp. I'm 16.
grapevine
This is my little gem because it's one of the things I've written that I think has the most potential.
beezy92 magic
Beezy92
One of my many sleepless night are haunted]
A contest entry
- Giving all my points by k3nny.
772 points, ended January 8, 2008, 20 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Emo and love. by aloneallalong.
335 points, ended April 1, 2008, 30 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - ~Lovey Dovey~ by HopelesslyInLove.
150 points, ended March 31, 2008, 13 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Good Stories by Merry Christmas.
125 points, ended October 9, 2008, 10 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Odd Love by Darkhearted.
350 points, ended April 23, 65 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Delicious Sarcasm and Touching Tales by Midnight-Engaged.
425 points, ended January 21, 8 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Feel the love by Rose Hathaway.
160 points, ended January 27, 10 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Want to show off what you can really do? by VampireFriends.
330 points, ended February 21, 32 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Good writing... by Lois.Stone.
350 points, ended February 25, 70 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Write me an ending. No limitations. by AshleyAesthetic.
300 points, ended February 16, 16 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - STORIES, POEMS, ANYTHING! by Clary--Selene--Tayy.
350 points, ended February 13, 34 entries
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325 points, ended March 23, 13 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Can you make me cry? by Maggie Kay.
115 points, ended March 11, 51 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Three Prompts! by His.Golden.Eyes.
142 points, ended March 11, 36 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - 13th Friday Contest-13 Options!(Prewrites Allowed) by Cupcake14.
110 points, ended March 28, 14 entries
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1300 points, ended March 24, 60 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
What do you think?
Comments
1 - 42 of 42
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i've read this a couple of times, since i love the way its wrote, and really enjoyed it eavh time! Well done!
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This is interesting....a different idea!! It needs something else though!!! It is very well written!!!
Thank you so much for entering!!!
~Souls
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When you say it needs something else, do you mean it needs more? Like more of a back story? Or do you mean the story itself is lacking in spark? I've gotten both of those comments before, I'm just trying to figure out which one you mean. (: Thanks for the comment!!
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More of a back story maybe...
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Hello.
It's a good story, but can you tell me what option you chose? First breakup? I'm sorry I wanted a couple like, really breaking-up, but it was a totally cute romance. The age difference was unexpected.
for college-to college
Best of luck in the contest! You did a good job of making me jealous, LOL.
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Hmm. I didn't particularly care for him, to be honest; not sure whether or not the reader was meant to. I did feel somewhat for the narrator, though, and I enjoyed the description of her "ancient backyard." On the whole, this just didn't strike me as immensely original, but it was still a pleasant read =)
Thank you for entering, and good luck with the contest. -
To be honest it seems like he doesnt care much about leaving her although he says he'll write and visit.
I feel so sorry for the girl, wanting whats best for him but wanting to be happy herself. hard decision but life is full of hard decisions.
well written but not amazing im sad to say. it lacked the x fractor.
i did enjoy it tho.
Thanks for entering
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If you look closely, he doesn't even say he'll write and visit. What a boy.
Thanks for the comment, I appreciate your honesty.
♥
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awww, that's so sad! I like it. XD
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I was really heart-broken by the end of this. You had some great visualizations. Wonderful job.
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hm...
thank-you for your entry i will be reviewing all of the finalists momentarily! -
Aw such a sad story, but definitly realistic. It makes me kill to read more, and that was exactly what I was looking for here. It was a great pleasure to read, thank you so much for entering =)
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Love it! You have every I like in a story: detail, emotion, good language and character I can to relate to!
Thank you
Loisxx -
This is extremely well written. I don't think I spotted any mistakes, which is just one of the reasons why I am adding this to the finalists!
I liked the way in which you didn't really reflect on the emotions of the chracters through actually telling the reader about them, but it was clear how they were both feeling. I could tell that Leah was resentful of her boyfriend, that she thinks he doesn't really care about her, and it comes across so cleanly.
Simple, not overworked, and better for it.
Great work, and good luck!
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This is so sad. Tear, tear, sniffle, tear. That guy is thick if he's leaving her. SHAME ON HIM! I loved this piece. I could really feel and connect to the emotions in it and for such a small amount of writing you have definitely done your job! Absoloutely FANTASTIC! Thankyou for entering my contest!
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very sad. men can be so stupid sometimes. The plot was very nice and the word choice was excellentthough that big word at the begining made me feel very stupid.
thanks for entering,
chey-bear -
Excellent, nice to read something a little more subtle
beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 3, ending: 3, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
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Loved It!
Short and sweet! The character's emotions were a beautiful touch of realism. Very nice. Thank You for the contest entry. And thank you for keeping it clean. Sorry I couldn't give a more detailed comment. I got an inhumane influx of entries! Good luck in your writing endevors.
God Bless,
Yeshua
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A great little good-bye story
Well penned...Best wishes in the contest!
Write on...
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One thought: Hate to be that girl.
This was sad but still short and quick, capturing that one moment.
I do, however, wish that you would have put a bit more emotion into this.
But to end with a good note: love your descriptions and attention to detail in your writing =) -
Oh, wow! This piece moves like a song! The last two lines were simply sensational! Well done indeed! Thanks for your entry!
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aww that was sad,but so cute at the same time i like it
Good Luck in The Contest! -
Wow. Honestly. This is amazing and could turn into something much bigger. I would love to see more added to this...
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You may like Irish ducttape but my duct tape is made in China.
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this was great i liked it well written and very sad it was perfect for the theme of the contest nice job sad how that happens a lot the boyfriend moves leaving the girl behind nice job and good luck
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Well, this was a very nice go at a tragic love story. Though, at the end it sounds a bit unfinished. Perhaps it's a section from chapter of a whole story or what not. But by itself it seems unfinished.
I'm excited, in my own way, to say that when I read this I pictured characters from "The Triplets Of Bellville." : )
Very nice and very well written... but it needs a better ending.
Sorry Love.
Good write though! -
tnx for entering the contest and srry for the late comment.
wow this is really sad! i loved it. the ending especially. great job and good luck. keep it up!
-LostSoul
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This is a very sweet story.
However, the contest requires it to be all dialogue. I'm sorry. -
A very well written story, I enjoyed it. Work on the conversations a bit, they were somewhat rough..but other than that good story.
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Oh god ... I just started crying reading this. This story, ever so gently, tore my heart out. The emotions and situation feel so real and believable. Thank you for sharing such a beautiful story.
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Oh, I'm glad you liked it so much!! Sorry about your heart I'm really glad you enjoyed it, so it's my pleasure. (= Thanks for the comment!
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This is very good. I just decided to lokk at one or two featured stories. I don't notice any mistakes on this. Bravo!!!
lol.
Keep on Writing!! -
Meh, France. Never understood what's supposed to be so great about it.
But to the topic, I like how you convey Leah's emotions without a mass of overblown drama. One sees so many descriptions of burning hearts and rainy soul miasma these days that a moderate, sort of realistic (bad choice of words maybe but it's how I think of it) description is refreshing.
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i liked the descriptions, not exactlly what i was looking for, but i still like it
thanks for entering -
Nice. I like the idea. I guess I don't have much to say about this story. Basically, I found it nice and practically without any error( I think)*lol i'm a bit manic about errors*. So that's good to hear.
I also like the way how you described the scene, the emotions, and situation. It sounds real. And I also like how you go about each phrase to the end. So, practically no fault here.
The only I'd say is... why didn't you write more? Probably this might destroy the story's charm... but anyway... lol... forget my complaining... lol.
So, thanks for entering and Good Luck!
P.S. I really hoped this was not a prewrite... lol
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! -
aww I feel so sorry for poor Leah! How awful it must be for her! You portray her sadness very well, and the way Jeremy doesn't really care about her feelings really help us to feel sympathy for Leah. Well done! Keep on writing! (By the way, Jeremy's right- France IS the best! - lol)
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Brilliant!
Oh my gosh! This is such a sad story! I can't help but feeling sorry for poor Leah!! "..he's not even sad about leaving me?" is such a sad line and I practically can see Leah looking down and and a bit depressed at the fact that her boyfriend's leaving for college in another country.
I also think you should leave it at that - like don't write more... only because you might ruin it... But it's a seriusly good story and I love it!
xx
Bella -
Nice start to a story
The plot has a good beginning. You might want to add a few more descriptions of what Jeremy and Leah look like. Keep writing.
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Good
This is very good. I agree with belowit, you should write where this all started out. You portrayed the characters well. No grammatical errors that I could see. Well done! Kais -
just had a thought: IF you want to continue this, you could make it like, goback in time to when they started dating or something. like this isn't the end, exactly, but do you get what i'm trying to communicate? i hope so.
~wit -
omg, where has this been hiding?! i LOVE it! this is sooo awesome! you create characters so effortlessly. with one glimpse, you can see so much, and know so much about who these people are! this was great.
you really are a great writer.
~wit
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