Gone Crazy Be Back Soon, Part Six

Klonopin1

It was supposed to help me calm down
And be less anxious
I guess they noticed that I was kind of on edge
And nervous all the time
They just didn’t know why
So they decided I had an anxiety disorder
Thrown in with my depression and anorexia
So they would give me little round, white pills
Twice a day2

When the nurse came around with the med cart
They would hand me a cup of water
Then a little cup with my Paxil and Klonopin
I would stick my fingers in the cup and pull out the pills
Examine them
And then drop it in my mouth one by one
And take a swig of water before the bitterness
Started to dissolve in my mouth3

The only thing that didn’t dissolve
Was my anxiety4

Energy surges5

Began to bolt through my body
After I’d been locked in the children’s psychiatric unit
For about three weeks.6

I was a live wire of energy that never seemed to burn itself out
Sometimes the energy was just me being super hyperactive
I would run down a hall and then jump up onto my IV stand
That held the bag of Kindercal nutrition supplement
I would beg to be let into the quiet room to throw rubber balls
Against the wall,
Hear the loud bang it made
And wait for it to come back
And smash into me7

I could no longer sit still in therapy sessions
With my psychiatrist Dr. Blake8

Him: “How do you feel lately?”9

Me: bounce, bounce, fidget, squirm, kick legs back and forth, shrug over and over until it looked more like a tic then a shrug10

Him: “Are you still worried about your weight”11

Me: bounce, bounce, fidget, squirm, kick legs back and forth, shrug over and over until it looked more like a tic then a shrug12

Him: “Do you ever have thoughts of hurting yourself?”13

Me: bounce, bounce, fidget, squirm, kick legs back and forth, shrug over and over until it looked more like a tic then a shrug14

Finally
Dr. Blake gave up
We started having our sessions
While playing catch in the quiet room
He always asked the same questions
And I always gave the same noncommittal answers15

Him: “How do you feel lately?”16

Me: “Fine, I guess.”17

Him: “Are you still worried about your weight?18

Me: “A little.”
Him: “Do you ever have thoughts of hurting yourself?”19

Me: “No.”20

My last answer was a consistent lie
Born out of my desire to escape the
Mental hospital
Where I couldn’t sleep at night because of screaming kids
Who consistently wet their beds
And were scolded for it
(One night I even wet my bed because it seemed like the in thing to do
I can still smell the urine drenching my froggy pajamas
And the sheets and blankets
I never did it again)21

I missed my parents who I only got to see at night
During visiting hours
And I missed my own bed in my own room22

My secret escaped23

While we were in school
My narrator was being extra loud
“She pulls out her pencil as she gazes out the window
And wishes she were free”24

Fellingham cut in25

“She’ll never be free
you know that don’t you
your parents put you in here
because they couldn’t deal with you anymore
they know you’re not normal and they hate that
You better get comfortable here
Because you’re never getting out”26

That my friends,
Was how my first suicide attempt was born27

I remembered all the stories the older
Ten and eleven year old kids told in group therapy
All the different ways they’d attempted suicide28

Lauren had overdosed
Gary had put a plastic bag over his head and held it there
And Michael had tried to hang himself
He still had a faint ring around his neck
A battle scar he wore proudly29

I couldn’t overdose,
The only pills around were the ones the nurses gave out
They were kept locked in the med room
When it wasn’t time for the med cart to go around
I couldn’t stockpile them because the nurse’s checked my mouth
After I took the pills
To make sure I wasn’t going to “cheek” them
And just spit them back out30

I couldn’t put a plastic bag over my head
There were no plastic bags allowed on the unit31

I couldn’t hang myself
There was no rope hanging around the unit either32

A few days later I heard Lauren complaining
To Lindsay, one of the staff,
That she needed her shoelaces back
Because her shoes weren’t staying on well without them33

“besides, I won’t try to do anything with them anyway”
she promised34

Lindsay said no35

I looked down at my sneakers
I still had my shoelaces
I wasn’t considered a suicide risk
So they hadn’t taken them
I smiled36

“Don’t worry,”
I whispered to Fellingham
“Soon I won’t be around to bother you anymore
we have an escape plan”37

A day later in therapy group
Fellingham whispered in my ear
One word38

“Now!”39

I knew exactly what he was talking about
And this time I didn’t try to ignore him
The therapist Samantha
Was busy talking to Jason
About different ways he could express his anger
I quietly
Without even looking at my shoe,
Began undoing my laces
And pulling out the string40

I tied the string around my neck and began to pull tight
I thought if I pulled tight enough
I would die
I pulled until my breaths were coming in making
Funny wheezing sounds
My lips tingled
And my fingers hurt from pulling so hard
Then I kept pulling
The world was starting to get a hazy cast to it41

Suddenly the room erupted in chaos42

“She’s choking herself!”43

“Oh my god her face is turning blue”44

“Somebody do something!”45

The group therapist, Samantha, walked over to me
And began fighting me
To get my hands off the shoelace46

The shoelace around my neck loosened
But I rolled around on the ground
Trying to keep a hold
Of my emergency exit strategy47

“Someone go and get more staff”48

Called Samantha49

I heard
Sound of running footsteps down the hall
Staff’s Voices
Telling me to let go
Fellingham’s voice
Telling me not to let go50

I felt
My hands being pried off the lace
Hands all over my body
Lifting me into the air
Half carrying
Half dragging
My live wire energy body
Down the hall
Towards the Quiet Room51

I saw
A blur of people
Staring kids
The walls of the quiet room
A door closing52

I tasted
Blood in my mouth
Where I had bitten in my tongue
In the struggle
Of trying to let go and die53

I smelled
Old urine
And stale sweat
Dried on the walls and floor of the quiet room54

I was locked in55

Trapped like a caged animal
I began crying and screaming
For them to let me out
I wished I were dead
I wished I had succeeded
This life thing
Wasn’t all it was cracked up to be
It was just a big mess
Of hurting and pain and confusion
I begged and pleaded in a hushed whisper
For Perra to come back
At least just one last time
And tell me what to do
But for once I was greeted with silence56

I started screaming louder
I ran into walls and bounced off them
After colliding with loud thuds
I smashed my head as hard as I could
Against the wall the floor,
Against any hard surface I could find57


I wanted the pain
The physical pain to bring Perra
Or at least dull the emotional ache58

The staff watched me through the Plexiglas window
In the locked door59

I barely noticed them
I barely noticed anything except
The fact that my body refused to stop moving
I felt like I was on fast forward60

The tape holding my tube in place
Was loosening it’s grip from the sweat on my face
Before I could think what I was doing
I pulled the whole tube out
And started violently sneezing a few times61


Staff came pouring in62

To the room
Almost immediately
I felt my legs being lifted off the floor
I fought them hard
Like a feral animal
They rushed me down to the treatment room63

Many hands held me down on an examination table
As the doctor on call was paged
Over the crackling intercom64

Soon the tube was sliding back into my nose
As I gagged and struggled against the hands
And tried not to throw up65

As soon as they finished putting the tube back in
I was airborne again
The plopped me down on my bed
And held me against the starchy white sheets66

Words were coming out of their mouths
But I couldn’t hear them
All I could hear was a pulsing of electric energy
In my head
And my narrator laughing a nasal giggle
Along with Fellingham’s spooky chortles67

Soon my whole body was covered with a net type material
That prevented me from getting back out of bed
Or moving anything at all
I thought I saw Jane, my social worker, crying
As she secured my body to the bed
But I couldn’t tell if that was just my imagination or not68

There was a sharp pinch in my upper arm
And that body turning heavy
Feeling came over me
My eyelids fought to close
Fellingham and my narrator stopped laughing
A thick blackness swallowed me whole