Gone Crazy, Be Back Soon, Part four

The nurses1

Were gentle with me2

As they helped me up onto the examination table3

And wrapped a blood pressure cuff around 4

My thin and now stick like arm5

After the took my blood pressure they shook their heads6

And whispered to each other7

Perra said they thought I was crazy, 8

That they wanted to lock me up 9

And I should run away10

I tried to push myself off the table11

A wave of dizziness pinned me back down12

I wondered if being locked up would be so bad anyway.13

Maybe they could lock out Fellingham14

Maybe they could make sure that no one put poison 15

In my food so I could start eating again16

Maybe they could make things more quiet17

Maybe they could fix me18

I thought about telling one of the gentle nurses19

That I really was crazy20

But I didn’t21

I let them take care of me22

And put me on a white bed on wheels23

The bedding smelled like a mix24

Of laundry detergent25

And medicine26

And antiseptic27

I didn’t mind28

I thought it smelled clean29

And that was good30

The first three nurses went away and more nurses came31

They wanted me to take off my clothes and put on a sheet32

With holes for arms33

I didn’t like the way it made me feel34

All exposed35

And transparent36

And open all over 37

So that everyone could see into me38

And know what I was like inside.39

They put sticky pads on my chest 40

Perra said to take them off or they would suck41

The life straight out of me42

I ignored her43

I don’t really know why44

And I wish I hadn’t45

But I did46

After they put a sharp needle in my arm 47

That attached to a tube 48

That attached to a bag of clear fluid49

That hung on something that looked like a hat stand50

They left me51

It was just my dad and I52

In a small cubicle with curtains that separated us53

From the rest of the world54

“They’re finally there,” 55

I said56

Then I laughed and couldn’t stop57

Dad gave me a funny look 58

And I think he almost figured out 59

That it was something more then an eating disorder60

Going on inside me61

See sometimes I would say things62

That made perfect sense to me63

But sounded odd to others64

It was hard for me to use my mental filter65

Sometimes I would use it too much66

And be so scared to say the wrong thing67

That I wouldn’t say anything68

Other times69

I got tired of silencing myself 70

And would just let what ever words wanted to 71

Slip out72

Go free into the world73

“What are you talking about sweetie?” 74

Asked dad75

I just shook my head76

And whispered 77

“Nothing,”78

What I had been thinking 79

Was that I had always felt like I had curtains around me80

Separating me from the rest of the world81

So that I could see and hear everyone else82

But not clearly83

I always saw them through a curtain84

Hanging down in front of my eyes85

I couldn’t say all this to dad though86

Instead I let him brush my hair out of my face 87

Rhythmic circles88

Until I fell asleep to the background 89

Of scratchy requests for doctors over the intercom90

The beeping of my heart monitor 91

As it tracked my uneven and too slow heart rate92

The beeping of ten other heart monitors in nearby rooms93

And the squeak of feet against a rubber floor94

When I woke up95

Dad was still there96

Asleep97

I’d never seen him 98

The way I saw him then99

His head was tilted back100

And mouth slightly opened101

There were dark black and blues of exhaustion102

Under his eyes103

His face was pale104

And he looked thing and haggard105

I wanted to tell him that things would work out106

That they’d be all right107

But Fellingham was whispering the opposite108

And I didn’t’ really believe myself anyway109

Besides I was tethered down to the gurney 110

By all those wires and tubes111

They admitted me to the medical floor112

Mom stayed with me at nights113

And dad visited a lot during the day114

I struggled to stay present with them115

And not talk back to the voices when I was with them116

I had stopped hurting myself in order to talk to Perra117

Perra was starting to scare me118

I didn’t like her as much anymore119

The doctors still thought I was anorexic120

They told me if I didn’t start eating soon121

They would have to give me that tube they’d threatened me with before122

The one they would slide through my nose into my stomach123

I was more worried about them feeding me poison through the tube124

And less worried about the pain 125

A social worker came to see me a few times126

She asked me questions about why I wouldn’t eat127

I told her I wanted to lose weight128

Because that’s what they wanted me to say129

Maybe things would have been simpler if that were true130

The social worker told me about another place in the hospital131

She said it would help me stop feeling so sad 132

And scared about gaining weight133

She said it would help me learn how to eat again134

Then she said it was called the children’s psychiatric unit135

She said that’s where I was going 136

As soon as my body was medically stable137

I said I didn’t want to go to any psycho unit138

Even if it was a special one for children139

I said that because I thought I was supposed to140

Truthfully I was hoping that maybe this place141

Would be the answer 142

I’d been searching for the past five years143

Medical stabilization144

Is when they give me fluids145

Through that thin tube in my arm146

That’s called an IV147

It’s when they watch my heart rate going up and down 148

In wavy green lines of the screen above my bed149

It’s when they take blood every day150

And talk about electrolytes 151

It’s when they make me pee in more cups152

And talk about ketosis153

Its when they come in and stick a long thin tube in my nose154

And Perra tells me it might hit my brain 155

If I don’t whisper the word “wisdom”156

Over and over while they put it in157

They asked me what I was whispering 158

And I told them I was praying159

Because that’s what Perra said to say160

The tube feels like intense painful pressure 161

That’s going to pierce through my nasal cavity162

It makes it hard to swallow163

Every time I try164

I feel like I’m gagging on something165

And I am166

I’m gagging on the stupid tube 167

That I can see in the back of my throat every time 168

I open my mouth while looking in the mirror169

They offer to give me lozenges to suck on170

But I refuse to take their poison171

I don’t want to be turned evil172

Instead I ask my mom to buy me a bottle of water 173

When the snack cart comes around174

The water doesn’t help much175

They hook up the tube 176

To a clear empty bag177

That’s fine with me178

What’s not fine with me179

Is when they pour a can 180

Of this stuff called Kindercal181

Into the bag182

And the Kindercal starts pouring into the tube183

And into me184

Panic ran through my body 185

And that heart they keep saying is beating too slow 186

Sure didn’t feel too slow anymore187

My lips got all dry and I could feel coldness188

Spreading through my body 189

As they poured the Kindercal in190

Who knows what’s in that stuff?191

I didn’t know192

But Perra said it’s poison 193

And Fellingham said soon I’m going 194

To join him and be evil195

I didn’t know what to believe196

So I just started to cry197

Maybe they were just making stuff up to scare me198

But maybe not199

The nurse tried to reassure 200

Me and tell me that it’s barely any calories in there201

Just enough so I won’t drop dead202

I keep crying because I could care less 203

About calories and I wish I could just tell204

Her why I’m really upset because I’m so sick205

Of 206

Secrets207

Lies208

And deception.209

Instead I pretended to be consoled210

But when I thought know was looking 211

I started to undo the tape holding the tube to my nose212

And started to pull out the tube213

Mom saw me214

And told me to stop215

Then she got a doctor and whispered to him216

What I did217

She thought I couldn’t hear her218

But I did,219

So mom was in on it too220

I thought she cared about me221

The doctor222

Walked over to me223

And stood in front of my bed with his hands224

On his hips225

And shook his head226

“We are trying to keep you alive”227

he told me228

like I was supposed to fall over in gratitude229

“If you pull that tube out230

we’ll just put it back in231

and have to tie your arms down to the bed232

until you decide to let us help you”233

I wanted to cry234

This place wasn’t the nice comforting 235

Place that I thought it was236

This wasn’t a place for me to get better237

Not if they were planning on tying me down to the bed238

And force feeding me poison239

That would turn me evil240

I couldn’t hold back my tears241

They poured out of me like a torrential downpour242

Perra and Fellingham and the narratot all starting talking 243

Really fast 244

All at once245

I could see people in the regular world trying to talk to me too246

But I couldn’t hear their words247

Once again it was like watching TV with the mute button on248

And a loud radio going on in the background249

I started screaming250

Crying251

And tried to push myself out of bed252

But there were people pushing me back into bed253

And I was too weak and dizzy 254

To fight back255

Someone gave me a silky blanket256

They placed it in my hand257

I didn’t know why258

So I threw it on the ground259

I kept screaming260

And crying261

And whimpering262

And yelling263

More people came in the room264

I kept screaming265

And crying 266

And whimpering267

And yelling268

Soon I couldn’t catch my breath269

My legs felt like I had pins and needles270

my hands too271

I couldn’t move my limbs272

I was breathing in and out so fast 273

That the room was spinning in circles274

I was wheezing275

Someone put a mask in front of my face276

It had funny smelling air in it277

And I was scared that it was some new kind of posion278

I tried to turn my face away from the mask279

But they were holding it to me firmly280

I felt a sharpness invade my shoulder281

Then I felt everything in my body slowing down282

My eyes were getting heavy283

I couldn’t keep them open any longer284

They closed285

I slept without dreaming286

When I woke up they explained287

That I’d had panic attack288

Looking back I think it had been more then that289

My first psychiatric hospitalization290

Was a nightmare291

When I first got there I felt like I’d been dropped 292

Into an alien environment floor293

It wasn’t anything like the medical floor294

They made me put real clothes on295

They made me walk instead of use a wheelchair296

They didn’t let me stay in bed all day297

They had a million rules298

And the staff yelled at all the kids299

Including myself300

All the time301

My first day was the worst302

They wouldn’t let mom stay with me303

And I was so scared with out her that I cried304

For three hours straight305

The whole time I cried 306

I was seeing dead animals all over the ground307

And blood was dripping down the walls again308

At one point I thought I saw my mom walking down the hall309

With her arms tied behind her back310

I went to go help her 311

But someone grabbed me from behind312

And yelled at me313

Telling me 314

“You’re in the boys hallway, 315

no girls allowed in the boys hallway”316

I tried to run from the loud scary person 317

That had yelled at me318

And they literally picked me up and carried me319

Back down to the girl’s hallway320

They sat me down on a little plastic chair321

Next to them322

And told me that the only way I was ever getting out323

Was if I started to behave better324

This confused me325

Because I though I was just there to learn how to eat again326

I was crying to hard to speak or ask questions though327

So I just cried harder328

Some noisy kids ran down the hallway and stopped and stared 329

At me330

“What’s wrong with her?” 331

Asked one of them332

I curled myself into a ball and cried harder333

I guess the staff got sick of me crying334

Because they finally told me they were going to give me some medicine335

I looked around for one of those little white cups336

With pills in them337

But before I could find one338

I felt a male nurse 339

Pull me into his lap340

Pull my pants down 341

And jab a syringe full of sedative342

Straight into my butt343

I slept the rest of my first day away344